Monday, December 22, 2008

Raw Emotions

I will start with a quick medical update. I have had appts almost everyday lately and I will continue to this week until Thursday. I am waiting to hear my date for the PET scan..we need to have that to follow up on the nodules on the lungs. These were found as a fluke with my scan for my neck. I will also be seeing the ID doctor and the Oncologist. My path was sent to the Mayo clinic for final exam for the stage..I did start with some testing to start treatment. I had to have a Hepatitis and TB and HIV test done..all just part of the process. These were all negative. I knew they would be..but then again..lately I have been shocked each test I have done.
All weekend I have have been a bundle of emotions. I seriously think I am going to go crazy trying to figure out how I am feeling. I can not figure out how I feel. It is now 1 am and I can not sleep. I decided to see if maybe I could pour out my heart and figure out through my written words how I am feeling and how to fix these feelings. Something has to be figured out, worked out, settled in my mind , head and heart.
Raw Emotions is me. I have a feeling many of you will say I am being too hard on myself...some may think I am a emotional mess and a few may think I am having a pity party or a melt down. Maybe all three are right. I have thought about HOW to explain how I am feeling so it COMES across in the right way...but then I remember a post where I said I would just be me. But lately I do not know who ME is. I do not know this person who is feeling out of control. I must admit that I have NEVER felt this way and I am not good at this.
I always have had a we can do this attitude or a we will just deal with it planner...a fixer and a doer . I am doing none of those things right now and it is starting to make me feel a tad out of control. Okay a confession...a lot out of control...but I am trying to ease into this post.
I am not a person who focuses on looks...but today my daughter was looking at some pictures and as she clicked on some..I saw a few of me that made me turn away. I looked like a person I am not right now. I miss that person. I looked put together and happy and vibrant. I am not that person now and I think that is wearing on me. I have bandages all over me...now also on my face. Drains and holes that need to be stitched and un stitched and restitched. Places that need to be scraped and cultured for MRSA. How the heck did all this happen. I know this may sound like I am worried about my looks....that is not it. I am just missing being able to wash my hair...and taking a bath...and well going to the bathroom without meds...I hate meds...I throw up daily and that is not pleasant with the neck all bandaged up. I now have the kids cold with a gosh awful cough...Tonight I am in bed with two different socks on with Vicks on my feet...Emily did it for me..cause last week I made her do it.
Okay let me try to explain this different. You know how you see people who are battling things and they look like they are in control..weather it is their emotions, the way they have put a little lip gloss on just to make them feel better...and even more important their faith is rock hard? I wanna be that person. Sorta like I would like to fake it while I make it. But there is no faking it right now. I think the bandages on the face ruined the fake it plan. LOL. Once again..this is not suppose to come across as it is about my looks. It is about the fact that I do not want to look sick so maybe I can trick my mind into not being sick...for a while anyways. Hummm in my mind that makes sense.
I am going to admit something that my family already knows. I am being plain awful. I am short and aggravated . It seems to take short of nothing to upset me...almost like a awful case of PMS gone real bad. And I can be fine one minute and just crying non stop the next. The wild ride of emotions wears me out and I know it is not fair or easy for my family. Guilt seems to be setting in by the minute.
Speaking of guilt....oh how I hate that this has happened at Christmas. I know Christmas is NOT about the gifts and lights and cookies and Santa trips. But I also know that as a child they look forward to those things. I also know I could have Jim do some of those things...but he is not a mom. I know he is dealing with a lot...more then he should have to. But he just does not seem to get how important these things are to me for the kids. And my goodness ..he is hurting too. But hey Jim if you are reading this...Please try to make a effort to make these next few days extra special for the kids....I will make it up to you when I am better..wink wink. ha..he may run from that offer...he has seen me in a bad way these past few weeks. Humm...
I wanna feel emotionally stronger. I have laid in bed and stared at the ceiling tonight and tried to pray. It just did not seem to be going right...just did not have it in me tonight...I finally said God you already know what I need from you even if I can not find the words...so please help me. Help me feel strong and healthy and ready. Ready to make sure I am okay and here a year from now with my family. A special friend momtoeli told me a few days ago that she is looking forward to next year when we can look back and say..wow last year was hard ..thank goodness we are where we are now.
Okay here comes the rest.....I try to not go here ...at least out loud. But I am trying hard to just put it out here...to let it out so maybe I can figure this out...
So back to the rest of my thoughts...
What if I am not here next year? Some may say ..do not that that way. Trust me I try not to...But... What of this Christmas if my last one ? I know if I had not had surgery and just found out about the cancer ..I would make this a Christmas to remember..Memories to last a lifetime. But as it stands now...I can not even sit up in bed. I have tried to make up for it with the younger two...I found Christmas Lights on Utube...and Cole and I watch tons of Christmas specials. Maybe that will just have to be enough.
Now before anyone thinks I am being negative thinking I will not be here next year..that is NOT the way I feel. I just can not help to have it in the back of my mind. Sometimes when it clicks with me that I have cancer I look at the kids and take a minute to REALLY look at them. To study their faces...I just love them so very much . My whole life I wanted to be a mom...and I am ...a mom to 4 wonderful children...I just worry I will end up not being here to watch them grow up. I worry what would happen with Philip..I have made it my life to protect him and make sure I MAKE SURE he is okay. I worry that Reed will be hurt really bad. He is my sensitive child who does not mention anything he is feeling. He just keeps it to himself. I need to be here to make sure he talks and shares his feelings through life. I so want to watch my daughter grow up and become a young lady. I want to see her be a mommy one day. Who would be here to help her be a mommy. And I know that Cole is 4 and would most likely not remember me. I love him so much and he has truly been the sweetest blessing to our whole family. Then there is Jim. How about I just leave it that I want nothing more then to grow old with him and watch our children make us grandparents. He has been my husband over half my life.
I know that I can beat this...but I do not KNOW that I can. These deep worries seem to make there way into my head and heart ...and then the fear and tears start. I know many many people survive cancer...I just am having the hardest time with the fact that I have cancer. It is shocking to me every time it hits me. How can I have cancer...
I also want to add that I am NOT going to ask Why..I am going to try my very best to say Why not. Life is not about the poor me...look at what I have been dealt...it is about making the best out of what we have been dealt.
I am going to deal with this....but tonight I am having a hard time.
When I thought of the name for my blog months ago...I never would of thought how TRUE the words are...Life is such a blessing.
I want to thank each of you for taking the time to pray for our family. I never thought my blog would be such a important part of my life. It was started just as a family fun blog...and now look at what a path it has taken. It is such a blessing to me to know that when my faith is a little tired and my prays are hard..each of you are doing it for me..and with me. What a true blessing each of you are. Thank you so much.

33 comments:

Andrea said...

Amy,
You are a beautiful mom, that is who you are . You are a child of God and that will never change. I am praying for you so please rest. Your children are resilent and will enjoy their Christmas without all the extras. You getting better and stronger is their only gift they want. Things will get better, pray to God to lift your fears and help you sleep. Hang in there. The sun will shine again.

angi_b72 said...

I am sure I would be feeling the same way you are, your feelings are normal! Just remember God never gives us more than we can handle! I am praying for you!

Davisix said...

Amy, what a powerfully honest post. I so wish I knew the right words to say. Words that would lift you up and make you feel better. I am a huggy - touchy person and you have NO idea how much I wish I could physically be there to help you. Since I'm not PLEASE know that I AM praying for you...throughout my day, every day. You amaze me with your strength...but just remember...you don't have to be strong all the time. You're beautiful Amy...inside and out. Love you, Ang

annie kelleher said...

oh, honey, my heart ached for you when i read this. you're scared and it is perfectly okay to be scared. life has dealt you some really awful nasty no good terrible cards and if i were you, i'd have a hard time staying positive. go on and wallow and feel bad and get mad - it will help you feel better to get it ALL out. no one reading this could possbily think badly of you in any way at all.. you are facing something bigger and harder than i know i have ever faced in my life, and mine hasn't been especially easy. your courage and your ability and willingness to express so much of yourself is amazing. i wish you peace and love and swift healing...

He And Me + 3 said...

Amy,

I am praying for you and Philip daily. I can't imagine the physical and emotional pain you are in, but we know the great physician that can heal and mend both. God is good. Emotions are tough right now, but you know where to find that peace. Praying that you are able to rest in it this Christmas Season.
Love,
Mimi

Charmaine said...

Amy, I am sure that the pain meds have a lot to do with your moods, I know for my dad they affect his moods greatly. I also think your thoughts are very normal, I KNOW I would go through all of them just as you are. You are a brave woman to look at them and accept them as they are, your bravery will be what makes you win this battle.

Sending prayers that you will feel God's loving and healing arms around you and your family.

DiPaola Momma said...

Did somebody tell you that you aren't entitled to a pity party now and then? No matter what this illness does to you, you are a WOMAN and we ALL worry about our looks. Nobody said you have to be strong everyday. Sometimes we need a breakdown to rebuild. I remember when my Aunt Paula was going through this and we all thought she was so strong, always the pulled together one. But for her the hardest thing was the change in her looks. And that didn't make her superficial or vain. Heck that was one thing she thought she could control with a little lip gloss. I think when she found that she couldn't do that anymore is when she really focused the hardest on the fight. I'm a mom of four too and you have EVERY right to worry about the why and what if.. that is your job, ill or not. Just know that your pain is felt and prayers are with you. Have you considered any counsiling for the family? Sometimes it just helps to have someone outside the fight to talk to. Have a good day (as best as you can with meds and all). And I will think about you and Philip all day.

Vickie said...

Amy..I wish I had the right words to tell you how much I care and how fervently I am praying for you. Please know that you are in my thoughts and in my prayers as you face this thing.

Dawn said...

Amy, I don't know you, except from reading your blog. And I am new to that. However, after reading it and especially this post, I know in my heart you are an awesome mother and wife. These times of trial for you are something I cannot even imagine. You are in God's hands. He tries only the strongest. He is always with you. Keep turning to Him. He will provide the strength you need when you cannot find it yourself. I am praying for you with my whole family. We will offer Christmas Mass for you and your family. I am also asking Our Blessed Mother to be at your side and your children's side. Blessings!

*Keli* said...

You are such an amazingly strong beautiful lady and mom! I wish I could help you, hug you and give you the right words of encouragement. Just know that I am praying for you and your family and I love you. Keli

Amy Fichtner said...

Amy, you have every right to express yourself anyway you want!! I will say this, you hand;e things a lot better than I would. You express yourself so well and here are many people who cannot do that.

lmerie said...

Amy - you are doing good! Your path has taken a very unexpected turn and you will have many nawing feelings. Glad you got them out. Have you ever read Tuesday's With Morrie? In one part he talks about feeling your feeling and then moving on. Have that pity party, get it out and then move to the next emotion. It is ok! Maybe feeling them each and not fighting them will help. I had another thought, how close to your thyroid were the masses? I had a nodule and para thyroid removed years ago. After the surgery, my emotions swung from one extreme to another in a blink of an eye sometimes. If it was close, on top of dealing with pain and fear, you could have some hormone imbalance as that part of your body heals. Just a thought. If I lived close by, we would come make those cookies and do those special Christmas fixes for you guys!
Hope you got the much needed rest and that today is brighter.

JANE said...

Hey Amy,
I think you hit the nail on the head with the PMS analogy! You know you really should be feeling what you are feeling right now. You're human and you're a mom. We worry for our kids and what would happen to them if we aren't there for them. We worry about making every day the best for them and especially Christmas and birthdays. It's ok, feel it. You can't help but wonder these things and be shocked at what has happened. It's human. And God understands that most of all. He knows your heart, you don't have to speak the words, it's already there for him. We promise to lift you and pray for you and with you. You just keep letting us know how we can help. And always, always be honest with us!
BIG Prayers and Hugs,
Jane

Sassy Cass said...

Amy, my heart hurts for you. I can't imagine feeling so out of control. Hang in there girl.

Ann said...

All of your feelings are real. You are still a strong, beautiful, wonderful wife, mother, person....

When I had cancer I felt similar emotions. It is important to express what you are feeling. It is important to get strength from others around you. Lean on us/them. It's a time in your life that stinks! The only thing some of us can do is pray and others can be the should you need. But, the most important thing for you is to know that we all are here and ready to help in what ever way we can.

I am so happy to have met you!!! THANKS SITS!!!! You have touched my heart.

Please consider letting us help for Christmas. What can we do?

Amy Fichtner said...

Hey Amy, I read your post again. You put things into perspective for me. I am a busy mom, So busy that sometimes I don't even stop enough to enjoy CHristmas with my kids. I am almost in tears now. DO you know howmuch my kids would love to sit down with me and watch christmas lights on youtube or a special on tv. I am so ashamed as I am writing this because I have to admit out loud that I should be enjoying some more one on one time with my kids.

On the bright side for you, you can enjoy this time with your kids instead of the hussle and bussle. They will look back and probably always remember the time they got to lay in bed with mommy....

Anonymous said...

Bless you Precious Lady! Thank you for being gut-honest so we can all know how to pray for you - even though we don't know you...we are Sisters in Jesus, and that's such a special gift He gives us.
Take good care of you - take one day at a time...your 'plate' is heaped really high, and it's awful to try to manage more than one day at a time. Try to look at it like you're in a tunnel, and not a cave. Jesus is the light at the end of the tunnel, and no matter what the future holds, He's in control and loves you more than you love your own precious children! Please know there are many who care about you and are so thankful for this blog where you can share and update. Hang in there and keep looking up. God is
Faithful and Worth of our trust. May God cover you with His peace today.

MrsMenopausal said...

{{{{{{{{Amy}}}}}}}}}
As always, you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Lisa said...

Amy -

Don't ever think that you aren't beautiful because you are beautiful inside and out and you should never think otherwise. I know how you are feeling with the bandages, the stiches, staples, and scars because I was feeling that after week 1 of my surgery. I thought to myself...how in the world does my husband still love me when I look so awful and feel awfl, but you know what?? That is satan talking to you. He wants you to feel bad about yourself and the way you look and feel, but you need to promise that he won't get the best of you. Just continue to stay strong and you will get through this. I wish I could give you hugs because I myself feels as though hugs always make me feel better (lol). Take Care!!

Love,
Lisa

AmberP said...

Oh dear sweet Amy... I really hope you were able to get some sleep last night after you got that all out. What an amazing post. A post of honesty and you said it RAW EMOTIONS! Like a previous commenter said - you are absolutely entitled to a pity party, you are entitled to pouring your heart out - even if it is just to make you feel better for a small moment in time.

I truly feel that this is NOT your last Christmas!!! You will grow old with your husband, you will meet those grandchildren your beautiful children will provide you ;) Prayers and love to you my friend... hang in there - you are doing an AMAZING job!

ixtapacheryl said...

Oh Amy ..... my heart bleeds for you. I wish I could be there for you and share what Jeff went through and still goes through. What you are blogging about are all thoughts he has had over the last 10 months. He has facial disfigurement and even said one morning that he doesn't want to look in the mirror any more. He said he looks "ugly". My heart goes out to him - because I don't think he looks that way.

I did have our Priest come over and he gave him "last rites" along with confession and communion. It was amazing - after Father Ron left - Jeff's spirits really lifted. Maybe it would help if you could call your religious leader to make a house call for conversation and prayer.

I know what you mean about being here next Christmas. Last night I suggested we go to the local Nature Park to view the Christmas lights and the manatees they are nursing back to health. He was enthusiastic so off we went. I realized walking around in the dark might be kind of dangerous for him because of his left eyelid being sewed shut - I pushed him in a wheelchair they had there. If you can just imagine - here I am pushing him along - listening to the beautiful music - looking over the water, etc. and I'm crying silently. How the heck do I even know if Jeff will be here next year at this time. All I'm saying is I'll bet Jim has had silent thoughts like this. I guess it's very natural to go through this. It hits you at the strangest times. Just know that all these ranges of emotions you are experiencing are soooo normal.

Just remember to "pray, hope and DON'T worry." (St. Padre Pio)....

Jennifer said...

I'll be praying for you. I am a new follower to yoru blog!! :))

bluesuede said...

Amy, any one of us would be going through the same emotions you are if we were in your shoes. It seems that things always seem worse during the night. You can call me any time.

Lisa said...

Amy,
I am praying for you everyday and when you pray to the Lord you don't have to say any words. He hears our cries and our moans and what our needs are through our cry for help. My parents are both ill and I have sat and just cried and never spoke a word but God knew I was praying, I knew I was praying and afterwards I had peace.
I would like to send you a book Healed of Cancer by Dodie Osteen, if you send me your address I will send it to you... my email is Porcalla@comcast.net Dodie was healed of terminal cancer of the liver, he book outlines all of the scriptures are healing and she would post them all over her house where she would see them all the time. she is still alive today and I believe God can heal you too.
there is also a few good chapters in Stormie Omartins book about praising God--The prayer that changes everything. God always delivers the praiser. In this bood she lists 15 critical times we must praise God- I could send you that too. My prayers are with you and Phillip. Love, Lisa

Grace said...

Nothing to say pretty lady (and YES, even today you were)... you know what I feel and would say. {{{{H}}}}

Gran to Angels said...

Amy....I know that my Jim was scared too....I'll pray for you just as I do for him!
The only thing I can say right now is that I love you and I'm praying for you every moment.

Davisix said...

Emily...I left you an award on my blog (yesterday's post). Hope you like it. :) Ang

Aimie said...

God bless your sweet soul.

Denise said...

Please do not apologize for your feelings and your grief. No one expects you to be chipper and happy and pretend that none of this is happening. It totally sucks that this happened at Christmas but perhaps it will make your children REALLY see what Christmas is about. Christmas is about love and family. As a Christian I believe that God loved us, ME, so much he sent his son to live among us knowing how it would all end. Your gift to your child this year is your presence and your love.

I am praying that you find some measure of peace.

Anonymous said...

amy, no words from one who always the rock in the family to annother one. sometimes i think i ran the linda show. then last year my sister almost died and i asked- asked for others to be strong- and they were there for me. in spades. that was a blessing i will always remember. sometimes we can be so giving, others just dont have a chance and thats the glue that ties a family together strongly in love. hard when you have so much and such a need to give. they say, its harder to give than to recieve. they werent talking about us girls, or most moms. take care and accept the love. linda

misty said...

Amy, you have every right to feel the way you do.You are going through so much right now. Just remember, you are a beautiful person, inside and out. Nothing is going to change that. You have a beautiful heart, thanks for sharing it with us! God bless

Mrs4444 said...

I'm perfectly healthy but have many times worried about not being around to raise my kids; how's that for crazy? I even started a journal for them BEFORE THEY WERE BORN! Silly, huh? They are teens now, and they love reading parts of the journal that I show them; funny memories, cute things they said, etc. IT has given me a lot of joy. Maybe you could do that? It would be a nice gift to your kids, regardless of what happens (but you are going to get well!) I'm praying for you...

Susie said...

Amy - I was just playing catch up on my reading. I want so much to be able to tell you that things will be better, that you will be here next year. Our future is planned by God, so we never know what tomorrow may bring. But, I am praying for you and your family.

I wish I could give you some advice without writing a book, but it is so hard. We are on the other side of the cancer journey. My husband's PET was clear in August, but the physical and emotional toll is ongoing and I don't expect it to disappear anytime soon, especially since we have an upcoming PET in March. The closer it gets the more the tension rises.

My husband is physically different than he was before. He lost so much weight with the treatments, I tell him a stiff wind will blow him away (this is probably true). He went from 165 pounds of muscle to 125 pounds of skin and bones. And is still trying to get some weight back (he is up to 128!)

Anyway, you are allowed to have pity parties. Invite us all, we can help. Just make sure that the pity parties have a time limit. This was some great advice I received from my sister-in-law (Ric's sister). She went through this when her husband had cancer. Sometimes, you have to have a surprise pity party, because it sneaks up on you, but don't let it last too long. We didn't have one after every bad appointment (because then it would have been daily for 7 weeks). We usually celebrated one more week of chemo and radiation down. We had a calendar that we marked the end date on and we crossed each day off. It was so good when we got down to the last couple of weeks, to see all those red x's. The latter part of the treatment was tougher so it was especially hard to have a week gone party and not fall into the pity party routine.

I have known my husband 9 years. We have been married for 2. I have never seen him cry until this past year. Now he cries at the drop of a hat. Okay, not that bad, but he cries a lot more. Mostly because he has realized what a release it can be.

And as for being fair for your family, you are right, it isn't fair, but cancer doesn't just stop at the patient. It affects the whole family, whether you want it to or not. One thing I have noticed is my family is much closer emotionally than they were last year at this time.

You don't need to post this, since I have spent so much time rambling, but please know, you have readers and friends out here who can help lift you up. We don't know what you looked like two years ago, we know what you look like now and you look great, bandages and all.