I will start with a quick medical update. I have had appts almost everyday lately and I will continue to this week until Thursday. I am waiting to hear my date for the PET scan..we need to have that to follow up on the nodules on the lungs. These were found as a fluke with my scan for my neck. I will also be seeing the ID doctor and the Oncologist. My path was sent to the Mayo clinic for final exam for the stage..I did start with some testing to start treatment. I had to have a Hepatitis and TB and HIV test done..all just part of the process. These were all negative. I knew they would be..but then again..lately I have been shocked each test I have done.
All weekend I have have been a bundle of emotions. I seriously think I am going to go crazy trying to figure out how I am feeling. I can not figure out how I feel. It is now 1 am and I can not sleep. I decided to see if maybe I could pour out my heart and figure out through my written words how I am feeling and how to fix these feelings. Something has to be figured out, worked out, settled in my mind , head and heart.
Raw Emotions is me. I have a feeling many of you will say I am being too hard on myself...some may think I am a emotional mess and a few may think I am having a pity party or a melt down. Maybe all three are right. I have thought about HOW to explain how I am feeling so it COMES across in the right way...but then I remember a post where I said I would just be me. But lately I do not know who ME is. I do not know this person who is feeling out of control. I must admit that I have NEVER felt this way and I am not good at this.
I always have had a we can do this attitude or a we will just deal with it planner...a fixer and a doer . I am doing none of those things right now and it is starting to make me feel a tad out of control. Okay a confession...a lot out of control...but I am trying to ease into this post.
I am not a person who focuses on looks...but today my daughter was looking at some pictures and as she clicked on some..I saw a few of me that made me turn away. I looked like a person I am not right now. I miss that person. I looked put together and happy and vibrant. I am not that person now and I think that is wearing on me. I have bandages all over me...now also on my face. Drains and holes that need to be stitched and un stitched and restitched. Places that need to be scraped and cultured for MRSA. How the heck did all this happen. I know this may sound like I am worried about my looks....that is not it. I am just missing being able to wash my hair...and taking a bath...and well going to the bathroom without meds...I hate meds...I throw up daily and that is not pleasant with the neck all bandaged up. I now have the kids cold with a gosh awful cough...Tonight I am in bed with two different socks on with Vicks on my feet...Emily did it for me..cause last week I made her do it.
Okay let me try to explain this different. You know how you see people who are battling things and they look like they are in control..weather it is their emotions, the way they have put a little lip gloss on just to make them feel better...and even more important their faith is rock hard? I wanna be that person. Sorta like I would like to fake it while I make it. But there is no faking it right now. I think the bandages on the face ruined the fake it plan. LOL. Once again..this is not suppose to come across as it is about my looks. It is about the fact that I do not want to look sick so maybe I can trick my mind into not being sick...for a while anyways. Hummm in my mind that makes sense.
I am going to admit something that my family already knows. I am being plain awful. I am short and aggravated . It seems to take short of nothing to upset me...almost like a awful case of PMS gone real bad. And I can be fine one minute and just crying non stop the next. The wild ride of emotions wears me out and I know it is not fair or easy for my family. Guilt seems to be setting in by the minute.
Speaking of guilt....oh how I hate that this has happened at Christmas. I know Christmas is NOT about the gifts and lights and cookies and Santa trips. But I also know that as a child they look forward to those things. I also know I could have Jim do some of those things...but he is not a mom. I know he is dealing with a lot...more then he should have to. But he just does not seem to get how important these things are to me for the kids. And my goodness ..he is hurting too. But hey Jim if you are reading this...Please try to make a effort to make these next few days extra special for the kids....I will make it up to you when I am better..wink wink. ha..he may run from that offer...he has seen me in a bad way these past few weeks. Humm...
I wanna feel emotionally stronger. I have laid in bed and stared at the ceiling tonight and tried to pray. It just did not seem to be going right...just did not have it in me tonight...I finally said God you already know what I need from you even if I can not find the words...so please help me. Help me feel strong and healthy and ready. Ready to make sure I am okay and here a year from now with my family. A special friend momtoeli told me a few days ago that she is looking forward to next year when we can look back and say..wow last year was hard ..thank goodness we are where we are now.
Okay here comes the rest.....I try to not go here ...at least out loud. But I am trying hard to just put it out here...to let it out so maybe I can figure this out...
So back to the rest of my thoughts...
What if I am not here next year? Some may say ..do not that that way. Trust me I try not to...But... What of this Christmas if my last one ? I know if I had not had surgery and just found out about the cancer ..I would make this a Christmas to remember..Memories to last a lifetime. But as it stands now...I can not even sit up in bed. I have tried to make up for it with the younger two...I found Christmas Lights on Utube...and Cole and I watch tons of Christmas specials. Maybe that will just have to be enough.
Now before anyone thinks I am being negative thinking I will not be here next year..that is NOT the way I feel. I just can not help to have it in the back of my mind. Sometimes when it clicks with me that I have cancer I look at the kids and take a minute to REALLY look at them. To study their faces...I just love them so very much . My whole life I wanted to be a mom...and I am ...a mom to 4 wonderful children...I just worry I will end up not being here to watch them grow up. I worry what would happen with Philip..I have made it my life to protect him and make sure I MAKE SURE he is okay. I worry that Reed will be hurt really bad. He is my sensitive child who does not mention anything he is feeling. He just keeps it to himself. I need to be here to make sure he talks and shares his feelings through life. I so want to watch my daughter grow up and become a young lady. I want to see her be a mommy one day. Who would be here to help her be a mommy. And I know that Cole is 4 and would most likely not remember me. I love him so much and he has truly been the sweetest blessing to our whole family. Then there is Jim. How about I just leave it that I want nothing more then to grow old with him and watch our children make us grandparents. He has been my husband over half my life.
I know that I can beat this...but I do not KNOW that I can. These deep worries seem to make there way into my head and heart ...and then the fear and tears start. I know many many people survive cancer...I just am having the hardest time with the fact that I have cancer. It is shocking to me every time it hits me. How can I have cancer...
I also want to add that I am NOT going to ask Why..I am going to try my very best to say Why not. Life is not about the poor me...look at what I have been dealt...it is about making the best out of what we have been dealt.
I am going to deal with this....but tonight I am having a hard time.
When I thought of the name for my blog months ago...I never would of thought how TRUE the words are...Life is such a blessing.
I want to thank each of you for taking the time to pray for our family. I never thought my blog would be such a important part of my life. It was started just as a family fun blog...and now look at what a path it has taken. It is such a blessing to me to know that when my faith is a little tired and my prays are hard..each of you are doing it for me..and with me. What a true blessing each of you are. Thank you so much.