Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Reality is setting in ....

So today Jim moved out.  Reality set in.  We will never live together again. So odd how many times I had been so upset or disappointed in him that I would of thought I could care less.  But today I care.  It was time for him to move out.  It was time to live this new life I have.  But a small part of me wonders...what about our old life? That small part of me is going to miss seeing him come in the front door everyday. You can not be married to someone 24 years and just not have some hard days when it is ending....

Today is okay and tomorrow will be better...

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

New Blog Layput

I really want to work on a new blog layout...I loved this look so much but every time I log in now and see it...it reminds me of the past .  I wondered if any of you know of any good ladies that do blogs that I can check out their site..

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Changes...

So here I am thinking I will try to start blogging again.  It is hard for me for a few reasons.  The truth is I am feeling like so many things have changed that I am not sure who I am any longer.  I am working on finding out who I am and what makes me who I am.  I have felt like I am living in a fog these past few years and as I am working my way out...I am scared because reality can be hard .
I have a habit of shoving my feelings way down  deep and the worrying non stop till it eats away at me. I feel empty some days except for the what ifs'.  I wish I was a pull the band aide off girl .
The truth is after 24 years of marriage I am getting a divorce.  It is not something I am happy or excited about.  In fact I lay awake at night and worry non stop  about what is going to happen to me and the kids.  But I KNOW that I am doing the right thing for me and the kids. Sometimes just because it is the right thing does not make it feel any better.
I guess the truth is..I know without a doubt this is what I need to do and it is the right thing...but I am not sure how I will handle the reality of being a single mom with 4 children.  I know I need to find a job...I have spent years taking care of Philip and did not work.  I guess I really did prepare myself for the idea of a future alone.
I know many of you wonder about the family and such.  I will blog more about that later ...but for now I wanted to let you know I am healthier and working myself back to the old me.  Philip is struggling and without a miracle he is not going to have much change. Cole Tre is much better on a daily basis.  We have to watch him very close with his lungs and such. But he is cute as can be. Emily just turned 15  yesterday and is spunky as can be.  And Reed is working on figuring out his plans after graduation next year...He is looking at Culinary school and /or the military.

One last thing...I would REALLY like to re do my blog...if anyone knows anyone who does it and is not very expensive...please let me know.  To be honest this blog make me sad..it screams WHEN things were back the way they were...Fresh start needed all the way around..

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Here I am...Will you be here ?

I click on my own blog and I do not even know the person I was ..or is it I do not know the person I am now? I really am going to start blogging again.  I am.  But I am scared...scared so many will not like the new me...or will not come back.  I am going through some hard times.  They are not easy or pretty .  They may not end up in a pretty little package and already some have judged how I should handled them.  The funny thing is.  They are not the ones dealing with them, I am.  So here I am.  Here to say.  Things are hard .  They are not pretty and I am making some very hard choices.  I could use some support .  You do not have to pat me on the back and say great job, but at the same time do not beat me down..Do we have a deal?

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Some Thoughts..

Lately it seems I am a bundle of thoughts but never sure if I should share them...I guess I have some worries that I will seems weak or half crazy.  To be honest I may be a little mixture of both....

One thing I KNOW I need to work on is accepting who I am and what I am feeling.  Let me explain...I so wanna be something or someone I just am not ..I wanna be this happy go lucky girl...I wanna be the perfect  mama and wife...I wanna have this pep that no matter how far I dig it just is NOT there...I sure do not feel sorry for myself.  In fact that is part of my issue..I hate to always talk or focus on the medical concerns and worries...and yet some days...most days they are very heavy on my heart.   The craziest thing is...Do you know why I started my blog?  Every time I think about it I just think "GOD LAUGHS WHEN MORTALS MAKE PLANS".  When I started my blog I talked about having a outlet that was not about medical and was just about everyday life...Then within weeks I had my surgery and found out about my cancer. I was so blessed to have my outlet here....I have never felt such support...talk about blessed. So I guess the truth is I feel like I should not complain.  Philip is having the worse time right now, he gets worse by the day and the truth is things are plain bad.  And yet I find myself not posting about him because what do I say? Things stink...he is getting worse and no better...I am hurt that my first born son is sick and in pain every minute of the day...I am so thankful that he is alive and I feel like we have been so blessed with a miracle..Now this is where I wanna say BUT...It is plain hard ...Just really hard.  The truth is I feel pretty hurt and alone as a mom right now.  Philip has been sick and in pain so long that I feel like I am just worn out...Every one has moved on  and here I am..

I think the truth is..I am on steroids right now and my treatment has kicked my butt this go around.. I really wanna run away...far far away..

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Jumping Back In.

I have been really fighting with myself lately about missing my blog.  I find myself really wanting to jump back in to blogging full steam ahead and then I get this " oh who really cares what you have to save " thought...So today I have decided that I am gonna ignore that voice and try to remember that my blog is for me and jump back in...soooooo here I am...


There has been a lot of things that have happen.  Some good, some not.  I think one reason I have not blogged is I have felt like there is so much to go back and explain...or talk about.  My feelings have been all over the place. To be honest I have some days where my anxiety has gotten a hold of me and it can make me feel less then sure of anything.  


I am going to jump in now and here and as I go along I am sure it will all come out in the wash...


It feels good and a little scary to be back.


I hope someone is still out here...

Friday, February 25, 2011

Just Some Stuff

I am here to reach out to all my amazing blogging friends.  I have been holding a lot in lately and to be honest it is not working so well.  I sorta feel like things are falling apart. I wonder why I have such a hard time sharing all this and the truth is I guess it his because I feel like a failure or a freak. I am sick .  Philip is struggling every single day and Cole is very sick.  If I let myself think too much about it I start to think "I must be doing something wrong" because everything seems to be falling apart. Deep down I know that I am not to blame for this but on the surface I get these feelings of anxiety .

I am going to post Cole's webpage here and if you would take a minute to go and read the story it will fill you in on what is going on.  

I have felt such support in the past from all of you . Thank you for allowing me a safe place to share.

Cole