Here I am...Will you be here ?

I click on my own blog and I do not even know the person I was ..or is it I do not know the person I am now? I really am going to start blogging again.  I am.  But I am scared...scared so many will not like the new me...or will not come back.  I am going through some hard times.  They are not easy or pretty .  They may not end up in a pretty little package and already some have judged how I should handled them.  The funny thing is.  They are not the ones dealing with them, I am.  So here I am.  Here to say.  Things are hard .  They are not pretty and I am making some very hard choices.  I could use some support .  You do not have to pat me on the back and say great job, but at the same time do not beat me down..Do we have a deal?

Some Thoughts..

Lately it seems I am a bundle of thoughts but never sure if I should share them...I guess I have some worries that I will seems weak or half crazy.  To be honest I may be a little mixture of both....

One thing I KNOW I need to work on is accepting who I am and what I am feeling.  Let me explain...I so wanna be something or someone I just am not ..I wanna be this happy go lucky girl...I wanna be the perfect  mama and wife...I wanna have this pep that no matter how far I dig it just is NOT there...I sure do not feel sorry for myself.  In fact that is part of my issue..I hate to always talk or focus on the medical concerns and worries...and yet some days...most days they are very heavy on my heart.   The craziest thing is...Do you know why I started my blog?  Every time I think about it I just think "GOD LAUGHS WHEN MORTALS MAKE PLANS".  When I started my blog I talked about having a outlet that was not about medical and was just about everyday life...Then within weeks I had my surgery and found out about my cancer. I was so blessed to have my outlet here....I have never felt such support...talk about blessed. So I guess the truth is I feel like I should not complain.  Philip is having the worse time right now, he gets worse by the day and the truth is things are plain bad.  And yet I find myself not posting about him because what do I say? Things stink...he is getting worse and no better...I am hurt that my first born son is sick and in pain every minute of the day...I am so thankful that he is alive and I feel like we have been so blessed with a miracle..Now this is where I wanna say BUT...It is plain hard ...Just really hard.  The truth is I feel pretty hurt and alone as a mom right now.  Philip has been sick and in pain so long that I feel like I am just worn out...Every one has moved on  and here I am..

I think the truth is..I am on steroids right now and my treatment has kicked my butt this go around.. I really wanna run away...far far away..

Jumping Back In.

I have been really fighting with myself lately about missing my blog.  I find myself really wanting to jump back in to blogging full steam ahead and then I get this " oh who really cares what you have to save " thought...So today I have decided that I am gonna ignore that voice and try to remember that my blog is for me and jump back in...soooooo here I am...


There has been a lot of things that have happen.  Some good, some not.  I think one reason I have not blogged is I have felt like there is so much to go back and explain...or talk about.  My feelings have been all over the place. To be honest I have some days where my anxiety has gotten a hold of me and it can make me feel less then sure of anything.  


I am going to jump in now and here and as I go along I am sure it will all come out in the wash...


It feels good and a little scary to be back.


I hope someone is still out here...

Just Some Stuff

I am here to reach out to all my amazing blogging friends.  I have been holding a lot in lately and to be honest it is not working so well.  I sorta feel like things are falling apart. I wonder why I have such a hard time sharing all this and the truth is I guess it his because I feel like a failure or a freak. I am sick .  Philip is struggling every single day and Cole is very sick.  If I let myself think too much about it I start to think "I must be doing something wrong" because everything seems to be falling apart. Deep down I know that I am not to blame for this but on the surface I get these feelings of anxiety .

I am going to post Cole's webpage here and if you would take a minute to go and read the story it will fill you in on what is going on.  

I have felt such support in the past from all of you . Thank you for allowing me a safe place to share.

Cole
 

In a Rut?

So with my new faking it till I make it attitude I have a few odd and ends I wanted to ask this week.  I think a good place to start with would be....what have you all been cooking for your family? Do you find yourself in a rut?  I do . I find myself cooking things over and over.  I think one of my main problems is...I am selfish.  I have to watch my sugars very closely.  Being on the medications I am on my sugars have taken a hit.  I have been told I am one bite away from insulin..Oh wow that makes it pretty clear.  So I find myself knowing if I cook these amazing meals filled with carbs I will end up eating them.  First of all I am a carb lover BUT also I am a comfort food eater.  I love nice thick cheesy , friend, yummy carb filled dishes.  I know there are TONS of amazing LC meals out there.  I guess I have become a tad lazy lately.  I know I sound awful, huh? 

So what is everyone feeding their families?  Any great recipes?

Is anyone here? Anyone?

I figured out something in the middle of the night.  I think the reason I have not been blogging is  cause I sorta do not like myself right now and really have nothing to offer or share. But being the selfish person I am I miss all of you .  I am going to work real hard at just doing what I do best.  Sharing.  The good, the bad and the ugly.  I have to remind myself that those who read , do it because the want to.  Even if I vent if should be okay cause no one is forced to read it.  Right?  RIGHT? 

Things have been rough.  If I were being honest I would share that things have been so rough that I have been struggling with just everyday life.  I go between trying to fake it , which wears me out and falling apart.  Ladies ...it is not pretty.

So many times I have a thought or see something I think I have to share this on my blog.  And then life gets in the way.  But I am here and I am reaching out.  I hope some of you are still out there and will let me know you are still around.

 

Check back tomorrow...I will be here.

How was your Christmas?

I would love to hear how your Christmas was.  Did you get to spend time with family and friends? Is it snowing where you are? Did you get a Oh My Goodness gift that you were surprised with?

I had wanted to go see my mom and sister in SC but it just was not in the cards.  I hate to be away from them during the holidays they are the only family I have.  It was just too much to travel there .  The worse things is it is snowing there.  I would love love love to be there and see the snow.  I know many of you may be hating the snow but for a Florida gal I wanna see the snow.

Today is a new meds day.  Steroids.  Need I say more? :(

The kids are so glad school is out.  I am glad it is also and I can slow down and not worry so much about this and that.  Nice to have some down time.

A special Friend of mine Grace  is having surgery on her shoulder today.  Maybe you could pop over and tell her I sent ya by to send some support.

I am going to post some pictures later today. :) They tell a much better story..huh?