It is 2:53 am and I just can not sleep. Today was a really off day with my recovery and it seems like it is going to be a long night. I just took some pain meds and was laying here thinking. I have done a lot of that lately. I decided to log on real quick to check in with all of you...my wonderful friends. But wanna know something...I just do not know what to say. I feel so much in my heart and yet I am numb when it comes to what words to say. Maybe it is because I THINK I am suppose to act a certain way or be super strong or not say this or that. I know no one expects anything from me...It is me. It is me trying to my find my way. It is me trying to grasp that I am sick and have a long path ahead. It is me feeling not too strong tonight. Heck maybe it is me just not feeling so great in the middle of the night.
As so many of you have seen I am blessed with a wonderful husband who has been very supportive and loving. I know he knows this...but I have loved him for 21 years and I hope we get at least 21 more. He has been really strong for me the past week. Tonight was a little hard for us as a couple. He is frustrated with how slow things are going, of how the path is being sent off to NY for some follow up testing, for the idea that we do not have a nice little package of treatment plans and info and when and what and why. And in truth..I guess him being frustrated made me feel like I was responsible somehow. I know I am not...but in all this it is too easy to feel alone or unable to connect. Tonight was one of those nights. So I hope we learn from that and can learn to both work through the frustrations. I think the idea that this was the first time of me feeling like he was distant was hard for me. I KNOW he is going through a lot...and I wanted his feelings to be all nice and wrapped in a package..funny how we both want the nice packages..huh? But Life is not about that....I learned that a long time ago with Philip.
Please know I am not complaining about things..I am just putting it out here..so one day I can look back and see how far Jim and I have grown from all of this...
I also want to let all of you know how much your support means to me. These words seem like just words. The emotion behind them is overwhelming to me. I have felt loved and supported like I have never felt before. That is what YOU have done for me. How will I ever thank you? I will just have to play it forward to someone else in need. You all are a great example to follow.
I need to try to go to sleep. It is hard to type on the computer with my neck. But I missed talking with all of you. I will end this with the disclaimer that I am on very strong pain meds..so if I rambled...just know there will be more of it over the next few weeks of healing.