I have been meaning to update this for two days now. But after my biopsy things seem to get harder with how I was feeling and my emotions.
It is a few hours from my surgery ...it seems like it has taken forever to get here ...and now here it is. I have been up all night.....
Yes I am scared. Some about the pain...but more so about the idea that I am out of control. I so have wants and needs to be a good mother and wife. For weeks now I feel like I have walked around with such a attitude of ...we will do what it takes....and now today...I can not find that attitude. Where is it? I feel vulnerable ...and that is not bad. But I feel a mess this morning.
I am disappointed that this has happened for the kids at Christmas. As a mom we all set up how the holidays are going to be...I just wanted things different. I know this is just my emotions talking. The holidays will be what they are...we will do it as a family.
It is all I can do to not call someone...Jim is sleeping and trust me he needs to sleep. The last thing I want is to have him see me like this...He needs to know that I know all will be okay. I bet some of you know what I mean.
I am going to give you some real quick medical info..and then post a blog about Philip. Please take time to read the post about Philip. I so need all of you to help me do what I can not do today...
I know that the radiologist report said I needed a PET scan ASAP for the nodules on my chest. The DR wanted to get it done right away but then it was decided that the anesthesiologist did not want me put to sleep having that done so soon before. It also was decided that the course of action would not make a difference...the masses have grown to a size that the Dr is very concern. She has made plans to have a pathologist in the OR with us. But she did warn me that because of the type of tissue we are looking at...we very well may not know till Monday when the test come back. She also explained that due to the size and location. WE may not get them all today.
The radiology report stated..
Two pathology size nodes seen in the mid line and left of the mid line. These could be lymphoma or metastatic disease.
Two upper lobe nodules were also noted. A full work up needs to be done including a PET scan and a full CT with and without contrast for a baseline.
Also noted a occult mass can not be excluded.
There is the medical info...
The Dr explained that her concern us to start with these. If these are not cancer ..the concern is that these are acting this way to help fight off what is in the chest or breast area.
She wanted to make sure Jim had someone with him today. Which leads me to my next post.
Ladies...please know I have felt your prayers in the past..and I am coming here today to ask you to pray for my family today. There seems to be so much going on..too much. I know God does not give us more then we can handle...but I am feeling pushed to my limit...
Anyone awake for a early morning call from a freaked out crying mess of a person?
Thank you all for every single comment, email, card and friendship. I find it so telling...I started my blog weeks before I found out I had these medical concerns. God knew I needed all of you. And as always he is GOOD.