Our Daily Blessing ...Life

New Blog Layput

2012-02-01T09:35:00.000-05:00

I really want to work on a new blog layout...I loved this look so much but every time I log in now and see it...it reminds me of the past . I wondered if any of you know of any good ladies that do blogs that I can check out their site..

Changes...

2012-01-31T10:30:00.000-05:00

So here I am thinking I will try to start blogging again. It is hard for me for a few reasons. The truth is I am feeling like so many things have changed that I am not sure who I am any longer. I am working on finding out who I am and what makes me who I am. I have felt like I am living in a fog these past few years and as I am working my way out...I am scared because reality can be hard .
I have a habit of shoving my feelings way down deep and the worrying non stop till it eats away at me. I feel empty some days except for the what ifs'. I wish I was a pull the band aide off girl .
The truth is after 24 years of marriage I am getting a divorce. It is not something I am happy or excited about. In fact I lay awake at night and worry non stop about what is going to happen to me and the kids. But I KNOW that I am doing the right thing for me and the kids. Sometimes just because it is the right thing does not make it feel any better.
I guess the truth is..I know without a doubt this is what I need to do and it is the right thing...but I am not sure how I will handle the reality of being a single mom with 4 children. I know I need to find a job...I have spent years taking care of Philip and did not work. I guess I really did prepare myself for the idea of a future alone.
I know many of you wonder about the family and such. I will blog more about that later ...but for now I wanted to let you know I am healthier and working myself back to the old me. Philip is struggling and without a miracle he is not going to have much change. Cole Tre is much better on a daily basis. We have to watch him very close with his lungs and such. But he is cute as can be. Emily just turned 15 yesterday and is spunky as can be. And Reed is working on figuring out his plans after graduation next year...He is looking at Culinary school and /or the military.

One last thing...I would REALLY like to re do my blog...if anyone knows anyone who does it and is not very expensive...please let me know. To be honest this blog make me sad..it screams WHEN things were back the way they were...Fresh start needed all the way around..

Here I am...Will you be here ?

2012-01-10T14:20:00.000-05:00

I click on my own blog and I do not even know the person I was ..or is it I do not know the person I am now? I really am going to start blogging again. I am. But I am scared...scared so many will not like the new me...or will not come back. I am going through some hard times. They are not easy or pretty . They may not end up in a pretty little package and already some have judged how I should handled them. The funny thing is. They are not the ones dealing with them, I am. So here I am. Here to say. Things are hard . They are not pretty and I am making some very hard choices. I could use some support . You do not have to pat me on the back and say great job, but at the same time do not beat me down..Do we have a deal?

Some Thoughts..

2011-08-07T16:16:00.000-04:00

Lately it seems I am a bundle of thoughts but never sure if I should share them...I guess I have some worries that I will seems weak or half crazy. To be honest I may be a little mixture of both....

One thing I KNOW I need to work on is accepting who I am and what I am feeling. Let me explain...I so wanna be something or someone I just am not ..I wanna be this happy go lucky girl...I wanna be the perfect mama and wife...I wanna have this pep that no matter how far I dig it just is NOT there...I sure do not feel sorry for myself. In fact that is part of my issue..I hate to always talk or focus on the medical concerns and worries...and yet some days...most days they are very heavy on my heart. The craziest thing is...Do you know why I started my blog? Every time I think about it I just think "GOD LAUGHS WHEN MORTALS MAKE PLANS". When I started my blog I talked about having a outlet that was not about medical and was just about everyday life...Then within weeks I had my surgery and found out about my cancer. I was so blessed to have my outlet here....I have never felt such support...talk about blessed. So I guess the truth is I feel like I should not complain. Philip is having the worse time right now, he gets worse by the day and the truth is things are plain bad. And yet I find myself not posting about him because what do I say? Things stink...he is getting worse and no better...I am hurt that my first born son is sick and in pain every minute of the day...I am so thankful that he is alive and I feel like we have been so blessed with a miracle..Now this is where I wanna say BUT...It is plain hard ...Just really hard. The truth is I feel pretty hurt and alone as a mom right now. Philip has been sick and in pain so long that I feel like I am just worn out...Every one has moved on and here I am..

I think the truth is..I am on steroids right now and my treatment has kicked my butt this go around.. I really wanna run away...far far away..

Jumping Back In.

2011-07-27T12:54:00.000-04:00

I have been really fighting with myself lately about missing my blog. I find myself really wanting to jump back in to blogging full steam ahead and then I get this " oh who really cares what you have to save " thought...So today I have decided that I am gonna ignore that voice and try to remember that my blog is for me and jump back in...soooooo here I am...

There has been a lot of things that have happen. Some good, some not. I think one reason I have not blogged is I have felt like there is so much to go back and explain...or talk about. My feelings have been all over the place. To be honest I have some days where my anxiety has gotten a hold of me and it can make me feel less then sure of anything.

I am going to jump in now and here and as I go along I am sure it will all come out in the wash...

It feels good and a little scary to be back.

I hope someone is still out here...

Just Some Stuff

2011-02-25T17:31:00.000-05:00

I am here to reach out to all my amazing blogging friends. I have been holding a lot in lately and to be honest it is not working so well. I sorta feel like things are falling apart. I wonder why I have such a hard time sharing all this and the truth is I guess it his because I feel like a failure or a freak. I am sick . Philip is struggling every single day and Cole is very sick. If I let myself think too much about it I start to think "I must be doing something wrong" because everything seems to be falling apart. Deep down I know that I am not to blame for this but on the surface I get these feelings of anxiety .

I am going to post Cole's webpage here and if you would take a minute to go and read the story it will fill you in on what is going on.

I have felt such support in the past from all of you . Thank you for allowing me a safe place to share.

Cole

In a Rut?

2011-02-17T14:07:00.000-05:00

So with my new faking it till I make it attitude I have a few odd and ends I wanted to ask this week. I think a good place to start with would be....what have you all been cooking for your family? Do you find yourself in a rut? I do . I find myself cooking things over and over. I think one of my main problems is...I am selfish. I have to watch my sugars very closely. Being on the medications I am on my sugars have taken a hit. I have been told I am one bite away from insulin..Oh wow that makes it pretty clear. So I find myself knowing if I cook these amazing meals filled with carbs I will end up eating them. First of all I am a carb lover BUT also I am a comfort food eater. I love nice thick cheesy , friend, yummy carb filled dishes. I know there are TONS of amazing LC meals out there. I guess I have become a tad lazy lately. I know I sound awful, huh?

So what is everyone feeding their families? Any great recipes?

Is anyone here? Anyone?

2011-02-16T15:03:00.000-05:00

I figured out something in the middle of the night.  I think the reason I have not been blogging is  cause I sorta do not like myself right now and really have nothing to offer or share. But being the selfish person I am I miss all of you .  I am going to work real hard at just doing what I do best.  Sharing.  The good, the bad and the ugly.  I have to remind myself that those who read , do it because the want to.  Even if I vent if should be okay cause no one is forced to read it.  Right?  RIGHT? 

Things have been rough.  If I were being honest I would share that things have been so rough that I have been struggling with just everyday life.  I go between trying to fake it , which wears me out and falling apart.  Ladies ...it is not pretty.

So many times I have a thought or see something I think I have to share this on my blog.  And then life gets in the way.  But I am here and I am reaching out.  I hope some of you are still out there and will let me know you are still around.

Check back tomorrow...I will be here.

How was your Christmas?

2010-12-27T10:46:00.000-05:00

I would love to hear how your Christmas was. Did you get to spend time with family and friends? Is it snowing where you are? Did you get a Oh My Goodness gift that you were surprised with?

I had wanted to go see my mom and sister in SC but it just was not in the cards. I hate to be away from them during the holidays they are the only family I have. It was just too much to travel there . The worse things is it is snowing there. I would love love love to be there and see the snow. I know many of you may be hating the snow but for a Florida gal I wanna see the snow.

Today is a new meds day. Steroids. Need I say more? :(

The kids are so glad school is out. I am glad it is also and I can slow down and not worry so much about this and that. Nice to have some down time.

A special Friend of mine Grace is having surgery on her shoulder today. Maybe you could pop over and tell her I sent ya by to send some support.

I am going to post some pictures later today. :) They tell a much better story..huh?

Something has been missing

2010-12-23T19:48:00.000-05:00

There is something missing lately. It is my blogging. I always and I mean always seem to just get quite and do not share when things are hard. I know without a doubt that no one expects me to be anything but myself but I just have a hard time "faking it and a harder time sharing my worries non stop". But I miss my blog and all of you sooooo here I am. Are any of you still here?

I will start with I have been in a bad place. I have had to dig deep and work everyday at thinking I will make it through this. I know that so many others have burdens, so so much harder then mine. I know I am blessed in so many ways. But the truth is I have been in a very bad place. Sad, crying and feeling hopeless. I have been worried about my future, my marriage and what type of childhood memories I am giving to my kids. Being a good mom was something I swore I would do from day one. Being a mom who made memories and took pictures and had a home and not a house was something I swore I would do from day one. And lately it seemed that I was failing on the simpler things of life. The truth is...I am tired. I am worn out physically and emotionally. Being what it is I have also not felt very strong spiritually. So each day I have been "white knuckling " each day. And hiding within myself.

So here I am peeking out. One thing I know for sure is..my way is not working. So my simple goal is to share some pics and some stories...and work on opening myself up and digging my way out of this place I am...

I hope you all have not given up on me. I sorta need you all more now then maybe ever before.

Hey there...

2010-11-20T20:33:00.000-05:00

So how long does one call it being in a "funk" vs their life had changed and they are not the same easy going happy person? I am thinking I like the in a funk because I am NOT going to stay in this "WAY". Just thought I would let you all know I am trying hard to dig real deep and get out of this ..."funk". So here I am ...to take the first step in doing just that..Blogging.

How about I share just a few odds and ends ...
I have been fighting with myself for weeks now about my iphone. You may want to sit down for this. I am going to sell my brand new iphone4 and give up my service. Wow that was hard to type. I just can not afford it anymore and in truth it brings me more guilt then joy. I am going to get a cheap month by month plan and buy a phone off ebay. I may need some medication to get me through this but I am sure I will be okay ...lol

I am still wanting to redo my blog. Any suggestions for a cheap amazing blog makeover?
I have had the same one since I started this blog. I think the hardest part is picking a new theme. Where do you all look for your blog themes?

So who here watches GLEE ? This is my first season watching. How come no one ever told me about GLEE? I just wanna share that IF they had teachers that looked like Mr. Schuester I would of joined GLEE.

Good Morning

2010-11-03T10:14:00.000-04:00

Hey My name is Amy :) I have been in a bad way lately. I promised myself I would not make my blog a poor me or my life is so complicated dumping ground. As the days went by I stayed away to keep my promise to myself. I know most of you say be yourself Amy. The hard thing is I am not liking myself lately. My heart seems to be in a hard place. I would try to fake it but I feel a tad worn out and not too good at faking it.

I have been dealing with some personal issues. It is hard to know when to give up or give in. Neither option sounds good to me. So for now I will just pray .

So do I still have any bloggy friends ? I so hope so..

I Love That ....

2010-10-14T09:59:00.000-04:00

I love that even when I do not post for days and days you guys always stop by. Wanna know a little secret? There have been a few harder days when I am sitting at some DR appt and I see a message pop up with a message from one of you on my blog...just a simple reminder I am not alone.I am very blessed by all of YOU. So Thank you ..

I would love to hear what everyone is up to? Anything wonderful and exciting? Are you all loving Fall is in the air?

I have been thinking about doing a blog make over. I have had this one for two years and never had a change. I do not know why I am so worried about actually doing it. I seem to have the hardest time picking out a new blog look. I think it also could be the money part.If I do a new blog and I do not like the look or theme I do not know how to fix it..

Do you all do your own blog makeovers?

I guess I need to go ..I have a DR appt this afternoon. Going to be addressing some areas of concerns that I am just not sure how we will handle. So pray that it goes smooth and when I leave I feel a sense of calm about what needs to be done..or not done. Calm is a good thing, huh?

At Odd With Myself

2010-10-03T11:31:00.000-04:00

You know the worse person to be at odds with? yourself. Cause either way you are in a bad way.
I am having a little lesson in this right now. The problem is I am not so sure why. Some days I wake up and think no matter what this is going to be a great day. And by the end of the day I am in a way. They say your heart is the most important thing to happiness. So I focus on my heart daily.
we have been so blessed this past month. Cole was very sick . He is home and doing well. He keeps us laughing daily. I felt sick with worry when he was so sick. I feel very thankful he is healing and doing so well.
Philip is at a standstill with his health. The only way to describe this is ...it breaks my heart . It hurts me to the core that my oldest son hurts daily . I find myself feeling that I need to accept he will get no better and pray he gets no worse. It makes me feel like I am giving up . But maybe I am protecting my heart. Maybe the hope I have felt followed by the hurt has just taught me to handle things this way. Maybe this is just a phase and tomorrow I will wake up expecting no less then a miracle for Philip.
I am now almost 20 months into treatment. That has taken a toll. I am very thankful to be alive.I prayed to be here for my children. I worried Cole would forget who I was if I did not win with this battle. I have been blessed. Yet I am frustrated with things.My first mapping of treatment has changed. Each test seemed to add a problem and a new "plan". What started out as one problem transformed into a more aggressive form. So we start again. I sorta have a love hate relationship with my meds. Blessed there are meds to help and yet Hate the meds that have changed me so much. And some days when I am thinking way too much I wonder if it the meds that have changed me vs the diagnosis vs the acceptance that I am walking around with some gosh awful illness. That is not the right words but do you get the message?
And with all this I just said I am not sad..or depressed..just frustrated. I love love love when people have the I will beat this, I will win, I am strong attitude ...I feel this also..just do not have the woo hoo behind it today.
I am going to work on being at peace today. Cause really that is the best medication of all.

Day 9 - a photo you took

2010-10-03T09:50:00.000-04:00

I am almost embarrassed to continue on with the 30 day blog journal but I am way to stubborn to give up. I Know you may be shocked to hear that I am stubborn.

Day 9 - a photo you took

What a beautiful beach picture. I love the colors in this picture. My husband Jimmy always says a pink, red sky reminds him of his sister Beth that passed away a few years ago. I think this one screams her name.

What is your favorite picture?

Cole Tre Update..

2010-09-27T21:21:00.000-04:00

Do you know how much knowing you were all praying for Cole helped ? These are not just words. I FELT peace knowing he was covered in prayers and good thoughts. Thank you ALL for always being here for me and our family. We are truly blessed.

After a few days Cole perked up and made his way home.

we are working with the Dr daily to come up with a preventive plan so we can try to control thsi should it happen again.

I just wanted you all to know I could feel all the support. What a awesome feeling to know morning noon or night I could post and someone would be here and pray. We are so very blessed.

Hard Day For My Sweet Boy

2010-09-20T19:02:00.000-04:00

Cole has cried alot today. Tonight has started off rough. The nurse and the Respiratory tech are very concerned with some stats and sound he sounds very restricted in his lungs. What concerns me is this is a ongoing change in the wrong direction from last night ...They said he is taking a turn in the wrong direction. I KNOW this is just something we need to deal with and look towards a better day tomorrow..But I would be lying if I did not say I am a mixture of sad and frustrated tonight.

We spent some time today trying to make him smile with my phone taking pictures. We were going to send one to his brothers and sister to say hello. This is about the best we got. I think this says it all..

Tomorrow is his birthday..This makes me sad...

Pray tomorrow is much better for my sweet boy.

Last Night...

2010-09-20T18:49:00.000-04:00

He must be getting better. True Cole form...Emily was being so sweet with cole..Cuddled with him...well she did not want to leave and I told her she had to go get ready for the new week..Cole whispered..Emily we are only fostering you...you have to go home..( we have fostered for the humane society and explained to him we can not keep them we are fostering them) Poor Emily is fostered..

Cole Says Goodnight

2010-09-19T21:33:00.000-04:00

Cole says Goodnight and Thank you for everyone praying for him. His numbers are looking better. But he did have a scan that showed Pneumonia so they added a new IV antibiotic with his steroids and treatments. He missed his birthday party today ...so that means when he gets better we will be having a awesome party......I think he may even get some extra goodies. Thank you all who have lifted us up in prayers and offered such wonderful support.

This Morning

2010-09-19T10:42:00.000-04:00

Thank yo all so much for the support after reading my update last night about Cole
I laid down last night and felt so blessed to know that there are sweet Mama's and a few dads who were thinking of Cole.
Keep praying...His stats are some better. His sats are low 90's BUT his heart rate is a little lower. That is good. They explained the fact he was working so hard to breathe and sucking in or grunting so much causes it to rise . But also some of the meds. So this morning it is nice to see the numbers lower. Good Job Cole Tre.
This morning I was feeling anxious. The blinds are closed tight so I peeked outside. It was pouring rain. I swear I just felt calmer. Crazy huh? It looks all Grey out and it makes me feel better. I feel calm. Maybe it just matches my heart a little. Grey.
The thing that is so scary and confusing to me is we have NO idea Cole had asthma. He had the illness in January and it was a respiratory based illness but he had the fever and test results of being a virus. Then three weeks ago he did get really sick but we thought it was a Going to school catch everything type thing. What happened on Friday scares me in a lot of ways. But what is scary is he was fine one minute. Playing happy joking around. And wham he was so sick. I know we will learn what to watch for but I swear I saw nothing.
I know we will be very educated on Asthma. I also know the Dr have spoke to us about prevented medications to help. I know nothing about Asthma. I guess to me it is odd..I can handle 19 brain operations with Philip, stroke recovery and shunts and pain pumps...But the idea of having Cole with such a quick onset of severe Asthma has me feeling overwhelmed. I also think seeing him so sick struggling has made it clear it can be a serious issue. I never new Asthma could get like that..
How did we not know he had it? Everyone here says they can develop it and you not know until they have it..But he is 5 years old..
Maybe I will just concetrate on the 5 years we did not know he had it and put my effort into making sure he gets healthy now.
Do any of you have children with Asthma? I would love to hear your thoughts ...
So today is Grey and glummy. And that seems to make me happy.
They are here from Respitory so I will go..
Keep praying ...tonight I will let you know how good today has been for Cole...

Shaken but so thankful. tonight

2010-09-18T23:16:00.000-04:00

I am not sure where to be begin. I am exhausted so this will be quick. Please keep my sweet Cole in your prayers. He is very sick. To be honest I am not too sure how we got to this point but we have and we need prayers for a full recovery.
Back In January Cole got sick with a respiratory virus and was in the hospital for a week. At the time we thought it was just a kid thing and felt very relived he got well and came home ...He jumped back into being our amazing little Cole.Three weeks ago Cole got sick. He got really sick really fast. It was his second week of Kindergarten . He missed a week of school. We ended up with him getting steroids and a treatments around the clock. He also went on IV meds. It was scary . He got well and went back to school and all was great.
Yesterday I picked him up from school. Everything was fine and we had a nice afternoon. He went to my inlaws for a little while and when he came home he said he needed to lay down he was tired. I thought wow this is really off for him but I will take advantage of some serious cuddle time. He feel to sleep and I noticed he was a little breathing sorta fast . A few minutes later Jim came in and we were both really concerned that he was getting sick again. Little did we know. I decided to go ahead and take him to the ER so we could get him seen and well so we could enjoy the weekend.
Emily decided to go with me. So as we are driving there he starts acting off he was wheezing very loud and short of breathe. I got sacred and did not know if I should pull over and call 911 or keep driving I was almost there. I drove fast and ran the red lights ..
We got to the Er and they took him back and called the team to work on him. After a few hrs in the ER , test, chest XRAYS ( clear), No fever..teams of Dr working on him, they got him stable and sent us to the floor. As we were going to the floor his stats dropped into the 80's and all heck broke loose.They ran us into the room. They called staff from everywhere. And they started hooking him up to things I have never seen. They called our DR who was out of town and talked to the Dr covering. He showed up and a team of Dr worked on him. He was sucking air and blue. I was frozen with fear. They started tearing off his clothes to get better lines. They ended up doing a cut down to get a better vein for more lines. Respiratory was here ...It was all so fast but so slow. They ended up bringing in someone to do some arterial sticks for blood gases. That was when we knew how bad it was. They got him hooked up to BiPap Or was it Cpap.I am not sure now. But we moved to ICU . As we were moving out the room I saw the crash cart. I will never forget the fear. I kept telling them..I am so scared..we have to help him. The whole staff was amazing.
Finally at 6 am I just laid down. The nurses promised me they were watching the moniters and for me to rest. A few hours later my Dr walked in. He came in to make sure we were okay. He said the on call Dr called him at 3 am to talk with him. When I saw my DR walked in..I felt so much better. Then the on call Dr came in. Made me realize how blessed we are to have such a great team. They explained to me that what he has is...

acute respiratory failure.In this condition the bronchial tubes are completely blocked. The lungs in this condition are devoid of life sustaining oxygen and they also cannot get rid of the toxic carbon dioxide. It seems that he had a severe asthma attack. The Dr have spoke to me about what we need to do to help this not happen again. Cole has a long road to recovery. But he is alive and we feel so blessed tonight. Shaky but blessed. This could of ended so different. I just can not shake this scared feeling I have.
Please pray for Cole. He is the sweetest little boy. I just need him to be healthy and happy soon.

Day 8 - a photo that makes you angry/sad

2010-09-11T23:55:00.000-04:00

Like I said it will take me a year to get through this 30 day blog challenge..

Day 8 - a photo that makes you angry/sad. I really have had a hard time with this. I can not explain to you the mixture of feelings I have with this picture. Such happiness and such sadness. All mixed into one. Is there a name for that? Yep...grief. It is a harsh painful feeling. Odd how in grief...death...you can not wish, beg, borrow or steal it away. It is awful and hard and harsh. I would like to try to remember if I did not love Jackson so much it might now hurt so much. And I would not give anything for loving my beautiful gift from God...Jackson.
I swear I will be 90 one day rocking in a wheel chair missing my sweet beautiful nephew.

Day 7 - a photo that makes you happy

2010-09-09T12:53:00.000-04:00

Like a year later I am still working on my 30 day blog challenge. I ave to say I think I am failing. But I am not giving up. So here we go.
Day 7 - a photo that makes you happy...
I LOVE this picture so much. I miss this more then I can even explain. My sweet boys..What a blessing
Jumper 18 and Rasta 13

Day 6 - 20 of my favorite things

2010-09-02T21:26:00.000-04:00

I am going to take 6 months to complete the 30 day blog journal.

So today is 20 of my favorite things..
1. Victoria Secret Pink Bath Products.
2. I love BAMA Football.
3. I LOVE LOVE LOVE 440z Sonics Diet cherry coke. I only found out about them a few months ago and I am hooked.
4. I love my greyhounds..On some of my hardest days Jumper and Rasta were here for me.
5. I LOVE Tyler High Maintenance candle. It is my all time favorite.
6. I have a perfume Sephora Pink Sugar Perfume I LOVE and only use once in a while so it will last longer. It smells so so good.
7. I love to get pedicures . It is a easy gift for family to give me . I love to go with a diet coke and sit there and just do nothing.
8. I have a new love of books on cd. I borrow them from the library and once in a while rent one form cracker barrel. I listen to them while I am in my clinic appt or treatment days. It takes my mind off of things and makes the time go by faster.
9. I love the smell of Sephora Burberry perfume. I sample it every time I see it. It smells amazing.
10. Along side with my children my favorite thing is being blessed to be Jackson's Aunt.It is so bitter sweet and I miss him so much every single day.
11. I love Troll beads. I only get one when it is for a gift. I LOVE to go and look. I have a mismatch bracelet of Troll and Pandora.
12. I love the smell of coconut. The smell of suntan lotion coconut. Just calms me and makes me feel happy. I use to have some amazing scents for the house and lotions and such that reminded me of the beach with the smell. I need to find some more.
13. I love my heating pad. On my worse days with my meds or treatment hangover my heating pad helps me.
14. I love my fan because I use my heating pad. I am not sure I can sleep without a fan.
15. I love the color chocolate brown and black. I am not sure why because really they are depressing when compared to bright colors. But I love them and always pick them in clothes and such.
16. I love silver jewelry. I am not a gold jewelry wearer.
17. I Love quotes. I always seem to find one that says just what I am trying to say. I may try to start keeping a book of them. I always forget them after I see them .
18. I love being a mom. It means everything in the world o me. I am not sure what I ever did to be trusted with my sweet children. I cherish having them.
19. I love fostering animals. We have been fostering for our local humane society and it is such a amazing feeling to know a animal is going to be put to sleep and we can take care of it and help find it a new home. Right now we have a mama cat and her 5 kittens. They were minutes away from being put to sleep . I happen to be there bringing back a mama cat we fostered that lost her kittens and was ready for adoption. They asked and I said sure. Her kittens are now opening their eyes and doing great. What a lesson for our children. One person can make a difference.
20. I love gardenias and the smell of them.

Day 5 - your favorite quote

2010-08-17T22:25:00.000-04:00

30 day challenge ..Day 5 what is your favorite quote?
I LOVE this quote...

When the world says, "Give up,"
Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."
~Author Unknown

What is your favorite quotes ?

I updated Philip's page ..

2010-08-13T10:25:00.000-04:00

Friday, August 13, 2010 9:22 AM, EDT

I am sorry I did not come back and update. To be honest we were so with the way the appt went. I TRY very hard to be patient. I know we are not the only patient they have BUT I think I came the closest I have come to exploding . It was not pretty and I still find myself really upset about it.

We went to the Appt. I had changed all my medical for that day. And we took Cole with us . We sat and waited for two hrs and 13 minutes. ( yes I know the minutes..lol) they take us back and we sit even more.

Philip is nervous and anxious. Philip was really nervous and trying hard to be strong and hold onto the faith that this would work for him. He so needed this appt to go well for him.

About 30 minutes later a lady from the office comes on and says "oh I am sorry" we did not get the authorization from the insurance company yet. She said this is a very expensive consult and we can NOT see you until we get it.

I swear I saw stars. I was shocked. Not that the insurance did not send in their paperwork yet. But they had us sit there for almost 3 hrs KNOWING we were checked in and done filling in our paperwork. Why did they not come and tell us. She said "it is a new staff and we are still learning".

I walked out and went to talk to the office staff. As I was talking and they were acting like "oh well we are sorry" I said I have a feeling Dr...would not like how this was handled. He walked out and said I am not and will deal with it. He said that until they get the authorization we can not move forward. It is a very expensive medication and procedure.

I asked the staff to call the insurance company while I was there. Of course you would of thought I asked him to give birth..( sorry ) He said he would call that day. The Dr said call and get it done TODAY. Umm that was over a week ago.

So last night I check my voice mail and see that a company that handles compound and specialty medications has called . Of course they were closed when I called back. I wondered and worried what they wanted. I called back this morning and spoke to a very nice lady. She went over my benefits with the insurance company and also the coverage for the medication. OUCH.

For one unit of the medication needed for Philip it is $1700. He could need up to 7 vivals.

I have had such mixed thoughts this morning. I feel anxious and just blah. I wish , want and need something to help Philip. I read stories of people who have medical issues. My heart hurts for them. And my heart just ACHES for Philip. I know I keep saying this ...but he is my son.

How did this happen? I dare not ask WHY. Just do not go there. But when I have days like this I just think...how in the world did this happen. I will work through my hurt and thoughts today and get back to the I can do it and we will do whatever ..I call that my RE-GROUPING .

Some of you have asked how to help. I have been blessed with so many prayers and good thoughts for Philip. And the prayers are the best medication for all of us.

I am going to try to work on helping fund this new medication and procedure. Our percentage is pretty expensive.

I am going to have a online party for Philip. I started a business a while ago and with my illness I got lazy with promoting it. This has kicked me in the butt.

Here is my webpage. If you would like to help Philip and spoil yourself...make a small order. I promise you..It is a amazing product. Not your normal candle . Take a minute and look at the webpage. If you know anyone who may be interested please share this with them. Each order placed is a step in the right direction to help ...

https://dippin4divas.com/
or you can always email me
amyb1569@cfl.rr.com

I just know we have to do what so many of us do...pick ourselves up and move forward. That is what parents of sick children do..whatever it takes.

Feel free to add this information with website where ever you think it will help.

Also if anyone would like to host a online party..email me. It is simple. You host a party and earn free product.

I hope everyone has a blessed day.
Amy

Day 4 - your favorite book

2010-08-13T08:58:00.000-04:00

So today is day 4 of the 30 day blog challenge.
Today is day 4..my favorite book.

I have not always enjoyed books the way I do now. Since my diagnosis I spend a lot of time at DR appt and treatment.I now check out books on CD and listen to them while there. The nice thing is ...it keeps me company. Anything to make the time go by faster. There is a book that says was wonderful to listen to. The fact that the author read the book himself moved me so much. And his message was amazing. If you have not read his book I highly recommended it.

Then there are some easy listen to books that I loved. Talk about making the time go by faster. LOL. Oh and if anyone asked they were Emily's. I mean I think I "needed" to read them so I could make sure they were "ok" for her...right?

So what is your favorite books?

Day 3 - your favorite television program

2010-08-11T18:40:00.000-04:00

This 30 day Blog challenge is harder for me then I ever thought. I guess this means I am IFFY or Fickle. I can not pick one..Can you?

I LOVE Prison Break. It is the plot. Not the cute brothers. Whoever wrote the plot was amazing. LOL

I also LOVE Lost. I have to admit I do not understand it sometimes.I blame it on my chemo brain. In fact I think someone was on crack when they wrote the storyline. But I really Love it . As soon as the last season comes out of DVD I will crawl up in bed and enjoy my LOST.

Last but but least. I am hooked on GLEE. I missed it on TV and had to rent the DVD's. I really wish they would hurry up and release the whole season for ME.

Oh and where were the cute as heck teachers like Mr. Schuester? I would of joined the GLEE club..ha

Day 2 - your favorite movie

2010-08-10T18:28:00.001-04:00

This may surprise some of you. The truth is it surprises me. There are tons of movies I really like. Sixteen candles, Pretty in Pink, Forest Gump..the list goes on and on.
But one movie that stands out if " There is something about Mary". One day when Philip was extremely sick. I just had cried all day. I had been at the hospital non stop and really felt pushed to my limit. I came home and laid down. For some reason "There is something about Mary " was on TV and I was too tired to get up and turn it. I started watching it and laughed till I cried. Happy tears. Jimmy came in to make sure I was okay ...I think that stupid movie was the best medicine for me ..No drama ...just good stupid funny.
What is your favorite movie and why?

Tomorrow

2010-08-09T00:08:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow is a BIG day for Philip. He has a appt in the morning about getting ready for a BIG procedure. I so want this to work for him. And he NEEDS it to work. So often it seems we spend so much time figuring out what , how, when to try something new. Then we spend time praying and preparing our hearts for the procedures. Then it does not work. And most times it has made things worse. But what worries me most of my son's heart. He needs something to work physically and maybe even more important mentally.

I guess I am scared . Scared in many ways. I keep praying. I want to turn it over to God. I really do. I am trying. I think he understands my controlling ways. Hey..maybe that is why he keeps testing me..LOL

Please keep Philip in your prayers and good thoughts tomorrow. I just know with all my heart that there is a answer out there. I just am frustrated with myself as a mom that I can not FIX this for him.
I love him, he is my son.

Day one

2010-08-07T00:47:00.000-04:00

I posted a few days ago about starting a 30 day blog challenge. I am late starting , what is new, huh? LOL

Day one..My favorite song.

Day one and it is already hard for me. There are so many songs I like but a few really talk to my heart.

I love a song that Bette Midler sings ...In my Life. It is a Beatles song but I really love her version.

I LOVE some Red Hot Chili Peppers music. I have seen them in concert a few times and loved every minute of it. Their By The Way album has some great songs on it.

I guess if I HAD to pick one song it would be I can only imagine ...by Mercy Me. This song has ministered to me on some of my hardest days. I LOVE the words and the imagine in my mind when I hear the song. The truth is...for me Heaven is the place I want to be. For a long time now I have been scared of dying. I am not sure why but it has always been something that has really scared me. Having cancer has made me think more about Heaven. But Since my beautiful nephew passed away I think about heaven a lot more. I hope it is as beautiful and special as I think it is. I like to think the angels are singing to Jackson every night.

I know I could of answered this question in one sentence..I guess I got carried away.

Maybe some of you will share your favorite song with me.

Wordless Wednesday..

2010-08-04T00:07:00.000-04:00

Our Little Foster Puppy...Can you guess what breed she is?

Better Late Then Never..

2010-08-03T23:38:00.000-04:00

I am going to jump into a 30 day blog journal. I hope I can stick to this and not bore everyone ...lol

I will start tomorrow after my wordless Wednesday. Anyone else doing this already?

Day 1 - your favorite song

Day 2 - your favorite movie

Day 3 - your favorite television program

Day 4 - your favorite book

Day 5 - your favorite quote

Day 6 - 20 of my favorite things

Day 7 - a photo that makes you happy

Day 8 - a photo that makes you angry/sad

Day 9 - a photo you took

Day 10 - a photo taken over 10 years ago of you

Day 11 - a photo of you recently

Day 12 - something you are OCD about

Day 13 - a fictional book

Day 14 - a non-fictional book

Day 15 - your dream house

Day 16 - a song that makes you cry (or nearly)

Day 17 - an art piece (drawing, sculpture, painting, etc)

Day 18 - my wedding/future wedding/past wedding

Day 19 - a talent of yours

Day 20 - a hobby of yours

Day 21 - a recipe

Day 22 - a website

Day 23 - a youtube video

Day 24 - where I live

Day 25 - your day, in great detail

Day 26 - your week, in great detail

Day 27 - my worst habit

Day 28 - whats in my handbag/purse

Day 29 - hopes,dreams and plans for the next 365 days

Day 30 - a dream for the future

I'll start tomorrow since after all, it is Wordless Wednesday!

Wordless Wednesday..

2010-07-21T22:03:00.000-04:00

Just some random stuff..

2010-07-21T20:18:00.000-04:00

I have been listening to books on tape lately. I check them out at the library and once in a while I rent one from Cracker Barrel. The books on tape have been great . They keep me company while I am in treatment or clinic appts. I also can listen to them in the car on the way to appts.
So my latest book was "Dear John". Oh my goodness. I sorta fell in love with John. I got upset with Savannah. I cried . I laughed. And I hated when it was over. I heard the movie had a different ending? I hope they end up together and a house filled with babies. Should I rent it ?

I have been thinking about redoing my blog. I have had this same design from the first day of my blog. I know this will seem crazy but I find myself scared to change it. Not sure why. I guess I need to go look and find a design I like. Anyone have any suggestions of site for designs and a person who re makes blogs?

Tomorrow is a busy medical day. Emily has a post op appt. She had surgery on Monday. I will blog about it with some cute as heck pics this week. Talk about cute..
Philip has a medical procedure in the early afternoon. Always makes me a little worried whenever they have anything planed with him.
I have clinic in the afternoon. I am sorta tired just thinking about it. I am thinking I will need starbucks in the morning and a sonics drink in the afternnon.
I have never had sonics until a few weeks ago. Oh my goodness...why did you all not tell me about Sonics? I swear I have a addiction to the diet cherry drinks. Happy Hour at soncis is my favorite time of the day. LOL
There are some important medical decisions happening in a few weeks. Please keep everyone involved in your prayers and good thoughts. Wish I just knew what and when and how . Then again , maybe it is best that I do not know.
What does everyone have going on? Anything planned for the weekend?

This past weekend...

2010-07-14T11:38:00.002-04:00

Sunday, July 11, 2010 6:01 PM, EDT

Today is such a hard emotional day for me . Tears have flowed all afternoon and I actually feel sick .
Days like this are not so often but when they happen they are awful. I feel like my heart is just breaking.
I wonder what makes days like today happen. And the hardest thing is I do not see it coming . So it hits hard.
Philip just upped a second sezuire medication and added another medication. He ended up waking me up last night . He was sick all night long. He said I am sorry I woke you up. Talk about heart strings.
So I layed back down and never went back to a good sleep. I woke up and made sure he was okay.
It is now 6:20 PM and he is still asleep. I look into his room and I see my son laying in a hospital bed .A hopsital bed. How did things get to this point. I have to sometimes take a double . How can that be my son...Philip. The little baby I brought home from the hopsital. The baby that I trusted the DR when they said everything would be okay. That is PHILIP. My son. And I feel like in days like today my heart wants to go into protective mode .
I watched him sleeping a while ago and he was smiling in his sleep. I really wondered what he was smiling about. What was making him happy as he slept...and praying I could find a way to make him smile like that.
I fight with myself. I KNOW we are so very blessed. It is a true miracle to have a child survive 19 brain operations and a stroke. Is it selfish of me to want more? Most days I wake up and am so thankful for what we have. But days like today I just hurt. My son...my baby boy is hurting. He is down. He is medicated. He has pain pumps, shunts. And yet he is here and in the next room. I feel guilty for even thinking like this..but I can not help it. I know there are so many moms out there who would do anything to have their babies in the next room. And while I am more thankful then I can even explain. My heart hurts today. Tears have fallen all day. I feel defeated. I am digging deep today for some peace.
I love you Philip. I am so very proud of you. I feel so very blessed to be your mom. If I could I would take this from you. If there is a way for us to make this better. I will. We will not stop till we KNOW we have done all we can.

Can I just pretend?

2010-07-08T18:22:00.000-04:00

Can I just pretend it has not been such a long time since I posted and jump back in? I mean I could give you a list of why's....but most of you already know...when things get a hard for me. I tend to run and hide. Not sure why..because I get so much support from my blog. I guess my not posting during harder times is my attempt to not have a "drama blog".

So let's just get back on track. I will start with a Hey..how are all of you doing? Anybody have any awesome news? Anyone wanna share some prayer request? Anyone wanna share a secret with me? Something juicy .. LOL

There are some things going on with Philip that I will post about soon. If you would keep him in your prayers ...

I just wanna scream ...I have missed all of you. Please never give up on me..I am trying hard to find my way between happy and scared. There is a balance...right?

Would You Like To Help?

2010-06-24T17:15:00.000-04:00

Philip will be having a very important Dr appt next week. We have been waiting for 4 months to see this specialist for a consult.
Philip has been on the waiting list for a trail procedure to see if it can help him. It will be a ongoing medication along with procedures.
We found out today that it will not be covered under insurance. After weighing our options we know we have to try this ..we have tried so many options. Some have worked a little then we had a major setback. Some have done nothing or made things even harder.
Would you considering helping? It is simple. Please consider shopping at
https://dippin4divas.com/https://dippin4divas.com/ and all sales will go to pay for his procedure.
So you win both ways. You are helping Philip and you are getting to try a awesome new product.
Would anyone be willing to post this on their web page? Everyone who knows about it helps increase the chances of us earning enough money towards this medical procedure.
If you have any questions or ideas..please email me..
And I hope it goes without saying..Prayers are what we need most. Your support means so much to our family.

Wordless Wednesday..No words needed

2010-06-23T13:13:00.000-04:00

Hard Coversations

2010-06-20T23:36:00.000-04:00

Hard night for miss Emily. I have not been feeling well all weekend.She decided to wash my hair for me . She spoils me rotten.

My hair is coming out in clumps and she freaked out.Poor thing she made it very clear she hates cancer .

She said the sweetest and saddest thing. She asked me if I thought cancer was going to kill me..then she said cause I need you here when I have my babies.

Cancer Sucks and it kills me to see Emily so sad tonight.

BTW I am not even about to give in to cancer. I just let it think it kicked my butt all weekend.

Random Thoughts..Again

2010-06-15T07:57:00.000-04:00

I am sure most of you know by now . When I stay away , things are rough. I have a bad habit of just running to a closet and hiding. Not really but it could be a idea..huh?

I am going to post a medical update later. I would just like to not think about it all right now. Just going to look forward and expect good things for today. Deal?

Oh I lied. I am going to talk medical for a sec. I hate hate hate steroids. I think the devil should have the nickname of Steroids. Yes I hate the way I feel on them.

Our home is filled with some crazy conversations. Reed told me he is up to his neck in girls. Philip asked him where they are. LOL

Emily is a mess. She asked me if I would ever work at hooters. I glanced down at my boobs and she said as serious as can be...I mean if you had bigger boobs and were thinner. OMG if I had not been laughing so hard I would of smacked her..Nah..

Philip is working on some emotional changes for himself. He is taking baby steps. I so want him to be happy and healthy.

Cole...where do I start. He came in my room the other night and said mama come here. I tried to talk him into telling me what he needed while I was resting. He whispered LOUDLY come here mama. He told me to go see what Reed was doing. When I came back in he said see him with the controller. He can not make it work...he then said with the cutest face....Mama I took the batteries out. Don't tell him... Gosh I love that 5 yr old kid.

Will you come here and tell me what you have been up to. What your summer plans are...Keep me company with some summer comment reading.

Wordless Wednesday..

2010-06-09T08:00:00.001-04:00

I love this picture. This was the day before Philips first brain operation. We wanted to have him baptized . If you look around the chapel it was filled with nurses and his Doctors.
I have such a mixture of emotions when I saw this picture this morning . Still in my maternity clothes. Wrapped in a hospital blanket. A local Paster from a church close by. We were so far from home and the reality of what was about to happen. But we were doing what was so important . So sweet and yet in truth it is sad for me. That was our last day as NOT KNOWING. Thank Goodness God knew.
I love to think how blessed we are that we started this long journey with the first step in a small church chapel.

One Year Ago Tonight...

2010-05-28T00:08:00.000-04:00

My baby sister made me a Aunt. Jackson was born and a dream of being his Aunt was finally here. I just can not explain to you how much I looked forward to being HIS Aunt. When I found out my sister was going to have it brought on many emotions. My family is my mom, my sister and myself. We were having a baby. God is good.

I had just found out I had cancer .I would lay awake late at night and pray to be with my children and to be here to see Jackson born.

How I love being Jackson's aunt..Along with my own children he is my biggest blessing.

When he was three days old I surprised my sister and went t stay with her a week...Talk about heaven..

On my hardest days..I would say Jackson was my natural Xanax...

During my healing time from some operations I would work hard to get a chance to go visit Jackson.

On Sept 30th I posted how much I was missing Jackson and needed to get well to come see him ..soon.

A mere 6 days later our world would change forever. My heart would break with heartbreak for my sister and for myself. I have not been the same since that phone call.

The reality of Jackson dying has changed our family forever. How does anyone ever get over that hurt? The hurt of seeing your sister tell her only baby goodbye. Haunts me..I am so very proud of her.

Happy 1st birthday Jackson. Not a day goes by
that I do not think about you. I waited a whole lifetime to be your
Aunt. I love your more then I thought possible. I can not help but
wonder what you are doing today..and everyday. I like to think the
angels rock you every night. I love you Jackson....always..

Hi My name is Amy..

2010-05-26T12:39:00.000-04:00

You may want to grab some coffee...or a diet coke. You may want to potty. And if you have children you may want to restart that DVD. This is going to be long. LOL

I have had a little trouble blogging lately. I think in my mind I have a idea of how I "want" my blog to be. But the problem is...my heart is not following what I want. I want to be a care free...preppy...cute...amazing 40 something old blogger. I am so far from that right now. So I backed away until I can be those things. But ummm it is taking a very long time...so I gave up and came back. So hello...miss me?

So let's start over.

Hi my name is Amy. I am a mom to 4 amazing kids. And I am struggling with some hard days dealing with my cancer treatments. I am also living the blessing of having a amazing son who has just had his 19th brain operation and a stroke.

I am working on finding my way...baby steps..but I will do it. Right?

Guess What...

2010-05-14T12:25:00.000-04:00

My website store is now open..would you like to be the first to help Philip and spoil youself? Please take a quick look and let me know what you think..

We are on our way to a Surgical appt for Philip. If you could please keep Philip and the medical staff in your thoughts today for a clear path of treatment.

Some Wed Thoughts

2010-05-12T13:53:00.000-04:00

I have been at a little lost for words. Not sure what to say or blog about. Yet I find myself missing my blog. So here I am.

I have been thinking alot about the purpose of my blog. I always get such support and tons of prayers. But the one thing I never wanted was a pity blog. The odd thing is, when I started my blog I did it to make it about everyday life vs a medical blog. Then I got sick ..well not sick...I hate the words I am sick..How about I found out I had cancer. Well you know what I mean. Anyways..back to my thoughts..I just never want my blog to be a pity poor Amy and her awful life.

Because in truth..I am so very blessed. My goodness...who can say their son has had 19 brain operations and a stroke and he is still here with us? I am also so very blessed that I found my lump and they found the other nodules during testing. And I am still here.

With that being said..I do feel frustrated every single day. I am not sure how I am suppose to deal with it. For example..am I trying to hard to fight the issues? Would it be easier to just give in to the OMG this stinks thoughts?

I want to be happy. I want to be content. I want I want I want...is that bad?

I guess I just feel like there is something wrong with ME when I have to try so hard to get through the days.I guess I just feel like maybe I am stuck...

Okay enough of this.

There are some GREAT things happening in our home. Tons of happiness. Smiles from our kids. Tons of laughter. Yet the hurt full things are the ones that are hurting me. I just need to say this..I worry every single minute of the day about Philip. I trust God. I pray daily. And I know I am suppose to hand it over to God. I try...I am...and yet I struggle with that also..

Tuesday Tid Bits

2010-05-04T21:56:00.000-04:00

I have to admit..this week things would pop in my mind and I would think....I can use that for my Random Thoughts post. Then I would forget what they were. Maybe that is a good thing. Ha

Today I had a conversation with myself. And yes I do this pretty often . Today my conversation was about If I AM Crazy. I am dead serious when I share this with you. I spent a while today wondering if I am going crazy. The reason I THINK or THOUGHT I might be crazy is how I am feeling lately.

I have been feeling pretty darn discouraged about many things in my life. And yet the simplest things lately have been making me smile.

Yesterday I felt like nothing was going right and no matter how hard I tried I could not fix this or that. Then I took Cole outside to check on something and Cole looks up at me and I melted. He had some sunglasses on and looked so darn cute. I thought to myself..How very blessed I am.

I guess the truth is I have been pretty depressed. Then it turned into overwhelmed..then to anxiety. Some days I seem to have a mixture of all three. So I have been trying very hard to dig deep and just really count my blessings.

The truth is...I THINK it would be easier to just feel the "down" feelings . I think it would be easier to give into them . Because some days I get worn out reminding myself to count my blessings. Some days I think Things Are So Bad..Then I think They Could Be worse. Then I think..well they are bad enough. See why I think I might be crazy..It is a lot of going back and forth in my brain.

So I guess as you can see this is a Random Thought post. I guess I am saying that I am digging deep . If you look around there are blessings everywhere..I just gotta look for them and appreciate them.

Philip has a very important appt tomorrow at 10:00. I so hope that it goes well and there is some positive news from it. Please keep him in your thoughts tomorrow.

Random Thoughts

2010-04-29T21:54:00.000-04:00

Skinny Dip? Help Philip and Spoil yourself...http://ourdailyblessinglife-amyb.blogspot.com/2010/04/why-skinny-dip.html

Lately I seem to have a lot of RANDOM thoughts pop in my mind. Sometimes they pop in as fast and they are gone. other time they make me lay awake at night and think about them....and sometimes they make me wanna start drinking. Ha

A few things that I thought about this week.

I have been trying to figure out what I am suppose to be doing. I really have no idea. Some days I feel like I am doing okay or even pretty good. And then in a flash I feel like things are falling apart. I never thought things would be so complicated and UNSETTLED in our lives. But that thought makes me feel a few things. Guilty because I KNOW how very blessed we are in so many ways. There are so many parents who would give anything to have their babies home with them like we do Philip. And yet I hurt over how things have turned out. I had so many dreams and hopes for Philip. I think back to the first time I saw his little heart beating..It was a dream come true. When he was born I feel in love . I am so very happy we did not know he was sick for the first 2 weeks. And I guess I am glad we did not know when this all started that he would still be so sick and hurting this many years later. Somehow when you are just thrown into the situation time after time...you just do it. But if we had known..we would of dreaded it and never had the hope that we did. Then again..when you have hope and it is crushed time and time again..that hurts. Maybe it is like a band aide. You know it needs to come off...does it hurt more to do a little at a time or one big rip it off...See these are some of my random thoughts..The truth is..does it matter anymore? It is what it is. And thank goodness God makes those decisions..cause I can not seem to pick out what shirt to wear most days.

It just seems like the little things sting the most. Simple things. Today my neighbor mention graduation in a few weeks. She said how sad she was that his high school days were over. All I could think is...I am so sad that Philip is not getting a education right now.

Please know I so NOT always dwell on the what we are not doing or how hard things are...Just my random thoughts of the day.

I just so need to feel like I am doing something right with Philip. Something to help him. That we are moving forward. Maybe if he would let me rock him ..I am joking...sorta..No I am..but I bet many of you mommies know what I am feeling.

So how about this Random thought stuff..could be sorta good. Like free therapy .

Thank everyone who still comes and reads my blog..even when it is a downer. I feel your support and some days..It is what keeps me going. That and praying.

Small Philip Update

2010-04-22T15:58:00.000-04:00

Would you like to help Philip while spoiling yourself? Skinny Dip...

I found this picture of me and Philip at the hospital.I have to admit I miss being able to feel like I could help him..Heck I want to rock him still..LOL

I wanted to thank each of you for the amazing support this week. As always I felt very loved and supported while I waited for the Dr to complete his surgery. What a wonderful feeling.

Philip has two more surgeries in the next few weeks. This is a very hard time for him.

We finally and took the step of getting him a hospital bed. He has been failing pretty often and with the bed he can prop up better and is more comfortable. So while I hate the idea of the hospital bed...We are very thankful that he has it.

I would love to see what everyone has planned for the weekend. Anything special?

I will have a quite weekend. My treatment has just kicked my butt. I am so glad tomorrow is Jim's Friday off.

I am so blessed by each of you who come here and read daily,it means more then you know.

Wordless Wednesday..

2010-04-21T13:18:00.000-04:00

Wanna Help Philip and spoil yourself?...Skinny Dip

Some first year pictures...brings back a flood of happy and sad memories...We never forget just how blessed we are DAILY...

Surgery Day

2010-04-20T09:54:00.001-04:00

Want to help support Philip and Spoil Yourself?

Philip is back in surgery. If you would pray for all who are involved with his care.

I am doing what I seem to do a lot...Wait and Pray and Hold on to faith ALWAYS.

This is part one of three operations in a short amount of time.

If you would ask your readers to keep Philip in their good thoughts...It would mean a lot.

So Very Blessed

2010-04-19T18:04:00.000-04:00

Happy Birthday Philip. You have no idea how much I love you . I am so very proud to be your mother.

I would have chosen you

If before you were born, I could have gone to Heaven and saw all the beautiful souls, I still would have chosen you.

If God had told me, "this soul will one day need extra care and needs", I still would have chosen you...

If He had told me, "that one day this soul may make my heart bleed", I still would have chosen you...

If He had told me, "this soul would make me question the depth of my faith", I still would have chosen you...

If He had told me, "this soul would make tears flow from my eyes that would overflow a river", I still would have chosen you...

If He had told me, "our time spent together here on earth could be short", I still would have chosen you...

If He had told me, "this soul may one day make me witness overbearing suffering", I still would have chosen you...

If He had told me, "all that you know to be normal would drastically change", I still would have chosen you...

Of course, even though I would have chosen you, I know it was God who chose me for you...

Author Unknown

Wordless Wednesday

2010-04-14T14:33:00.000-04:00

Wordless Wednesday...

May 27-Oct 7, 2009
My beautiful nephew Jackson. Aunt Amy misses and thinks about you everyday.

Why Skinny Dip?

2010-04-13T16:00:00.003-04:00

Why Skinny Dip? Well Why Not? Not only is it a amazing product but for each item sold...I can help pay a medical bill for Philip

Amyb1569@cfl.rr.com

CUSTOMS LABELS CAN BE MADE..SKINNY DIP FOR........

I am a SAHM of 4 wonderful children. While fight cancer myself and trying to find a medical cure for my son Philip who just had his 19th brain operation and a stroke...I knew I needed to find a way to help.
So here it is Skinny Dip...

I am working on my web page but jumped at the chance to be apart of the SITS giveaway. So here is the basic info..feel free to contact me if you are interested before my site is up and running.

Skinny Dip is not you Normal candle. It is amazing .

$13 each plus shipping ..Info on bottom of page

Skinny Dip Candles are easy and fun to use. And rest assured, they will not burn you! Because of the ingredients in Skinny Dip Candles, they have a very low melt point. When fully melted they're just 102 degrees -- not even as warm as a hot tub.

Ingredients include: cosmetic-grade soy, avocado oil, coconut oil, shea butter, beeswax, sunflower oil, cocoa butter, vitamin E, and scented oils for aroma. The ingredients are not only natural, but they are extremely rich and moisturizing. A little bit will go a very long way, so please use sparingly. When you use the right amount, the melted oils will soak into your skin completely within just a few minutes.

To use your Skinny Dip Candle, simply light it and let a melt pool form.  Extinguish the flame! (As you know, the flame itself is always hot so please blow it out before using.) You can dip your fingers directly into the melted oils, or you can use the little scoop that is included inside of each tin to dip a small amount out to use. 

Use the warmed lotion on your cuticles, elbows, heels, or other dry skin areas on the body.  You can also pour the melted oils out of the tin and use the Skinny Dip Candle for massage. 

Skinny Dip Candles were formulated with the input from professional massage therapists and are used in professional practices across the U.S. Skinny Dip Candles are a fabulous alternative to traditional massage oils.

 Regardless  of how and       where you choose to use the Skinny Dip Candle, only use       the amount you need.  Any unused ingredients       will set up again in candle form, ready for       your next use.        For best  results,       always trim the wick to 1/4" prior to each       use. 

 If any  ingredients       are not melted when you use the candle, you will start to       see a well form down the middle of the candle. You can       push this unmelted portion back in toward the wick so it       will melt the next time you use the       candle.

 You can  also use the       Skinny Dip Candle without melting it. When "set" like a       candle, use the scoop or the back of a fingernail to       remove some unmelted mixture. Then simply use it as you       would a body balm. It will melt very easily as you begin       to massage it into your skin. This is a very quick and       convenient way to experience skin moisturizing benefits       when lighting the candle simply isn't possible or       practical.

 Pamper Packs $20 plus shipping info on bottom of page

Full-size Skinny Dip Candle, single bath size
Skinny Dip Bath Salts, & full-size lip balm.
All packaged in an organza bag.

Shipping info...

Flat Fee U. S. Shipping

I generally ship my orders by U.S. Postal Service Priority Mail. Because this saves time and expense when shipping multiple products in the same order, I pass those savings on to you. Shipping is definitely most cost effective on a per unit basis when multiple candles are ordered at the same time. Following are fees for shipping within the United States based on the total dollar amount of an order.

Up to $49.99 $8.00
$50.00 - $99.99 $14.00
  $99.99 - $189.99 $17.00
  $100.00 - $314.99 $23.00
  $315.00 + $29.00

Scents I have in stock and ready to mail Today..

Sex on the beach..5

So sexy for him..3

Eucalyptus Mint...2

Redwood Cedar...On back order

Cranberry Citruis...On back order

Feeling Flirty ..6

Seduction...6

Pink Sugar...5

Spring Lilac...6

Lavender...6

Cucumber Melon...7

Black Raspberry Vanilla...6

Honey Almond...3

Coconut Lime...3

Angel Food Cake..3

Ambrosia 4

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Pamper Packs...

Cucumber melon/melon..6

ambrosia/..6

lavender./mint.3

Sex on the beach/melon..3

Coconut/ coconut..6

Philip update ..Monday

2010-04-12T19:36:00.001-04:00

I have a call put into the specialist. Today things have just hit a place that makes me want to do something..anything. I am tired today...in many ways. I so need something to change with how Philip is doing right now.

He is in tears all the time...and it is getting worse instead of better.

I think the hardest thing for me is...learning to separate the emotional and the what we need to do emotions. I wonder if some of you moms and dads out there get what that means. I feel like I am torn in half some days..many days. I need to be here emotionally..and yet I need to do the medical stuff...It is hard to find a balance. I am going to need to work on that because I feel hurt and disappointed ...and yet so very blessed.

I guess I just wish someone could fix this or tell me how to fix it. I mean I feel like I need to scream to the top of my lungs He is my son..help him...but instead I just pray and talk to God...all day everyday.

I know there is a reason. I trust in that. But I am one very tired and worn out women tonight...and well..I wish things were different.
Philip is due to have scans soon. We need to check the size of the brain mass. Also my sweet friend who lost her DH to cancer last year asked me where the mass is..Here is the info and a pic . Also his CB page button with full story is on side bar..The mass is in the deepest area of the brain. It is embedded in the main vessels that run to the brain stem. This is what makes it so hard to get to AGAIN. He had his stroke when they went the first time and the second had to pull back ...it was what the DR called a miracle procedure and the risk was too dangerous that day..Hope this info helped explain ..I know it is complicated..It is for me also.
I guess my question is..if this is a test...what do we need to do to pass it. What is the lesson..and why my beautiful son?

I will update when we hear from the DR about what we are going to do...Please pray we get some answers ..Philip needs some help.

Also Philip's birthday is in a few days...please pray we can make it a special day..

Philip medical update..

2010-04-08T21:52:00.000-04:00

(This pic is a MRI scan of Philip's brain. The dark area on the scan is the mass..The white stick looking object is a piece of old shunt tube that they can not get out due to massive blood vessels..The last time they went in..he had the stroke..)

Philip's surgery has been set for April 20th. The day after his birthday. I am glad he will have his birthday first. It seems that for years and years..Philip has either been in the hospital or had surgery for every holiday and his birthday. I have family pics from holidays and he is in some type of cast or drain or tubes. So we are thinking this is a sign from above..better things to come..yes?

Medically things are NOT stable. They seem to be getting worse. And to be blunt every time we try to take a step forward we seem to take a giant leap backwards. I did express this to the DR last week. He was very kind but honest...we are not curing anything right now..we are trying to put a band aide on a problem..until something better comes along. We did have a long talk about some future stem cell studies. On the way home from the appt I asked Philip what he thought about that idea...and he said..he feels it is easier to not expect it and that way he is not disappointed. I so wanted to argue the point with him...but I did not. He is entitled to feel how he wants to feel.

Philip's right hand has no use..and his left hand and left leg is losing the strength and is always in severe burning nerve pain. I think this is why he has been dropping things and also falling more..They have increased the pump meds twice in 10 days..sigh..

I have been thinking about his future and looking into some options. We had been looking at a bamboo board..does anyone have any info about these or how they worked for you or your child...One thing I know is important is his ability to go online and listen to music and such. The Dr mentioned that if we can not get control of this issue he may need to move to some touch screen items. I had thought of trying to surprise him with a Ipad for his birthday. It would make a great gift..and well he could use it ...with his medical issues..and not feel like he was "uncool". We will be holding off on the ipad now that he is having the trio of operations..but who knows..maybe one day..

Speaking of the surgies...The first one will be difficult. It involves his spine . and the nerves...and that in itslef makes me uneasy. We then will move on to the next stage..but going to focus on one thing at a time..

One problem that has clearly shown up is..Philip has a serious problem with his hip..This is due to the leg length problem and it has taken a toll. The fix to that would be painful and complicated..It also is not something that is a one time fix. The Dr are spending some time in consult about this..because due to the machines Philip has in his body..he is at a big risk for infection and rejection. We are holding onto faith that the Dr will know what is the best choice.

The seizures and the sleeping and headaches are coming from the mass in the brain..damn mass..It has cause us more problems then I can even explain..That was what started the whole brain operations and stroke..and to think here we are working towards brain operation 20 and it came back..My goodness..yep I hate it...and I hate that some days I feel like it has stolen my son's quality of life and happiness. It seems to control everything..

If anyone has any great and wonderful Birthday ideas...pass them on. I will be having a hard treatment right before..so we will not be going anywhere as a family. But we WILL be together as a family..Thank you God.

Jumper...

2010-04-01T21:59:00.001-04:00

I wanted to share a wonderful story of Love. And as we all know where there is Love there is Heartbreak. Our family has had a very hard week.

Almost 11 years ago I talked Jimmy into going to "just see" some Greyhounds. We were NOT going to get one. And one day when we did I wanted it to be a Blondie..Girl ...and no older then two years old.

As we visited the Greyhounds there was a Boy...Black..six year old male. He stood next to Emily who was just a baby and she grabbed at him and petted him...and well they fell in love.

A week later Jumper joined our family and filled our hearts with love. Jumper had been rescued from the track and then was returned from a abusive home. When we took Jumper in he just seem to smile. In fact sometimes you would love at him and you would swear he was smiling. He was amazing with Philip. For those of you who do not know Philip has had 19 brain operations and a stroke. Jumper was a wonderful friend while Philip was recovering from each of his operations. The biggest issue we had with Jumper was him wanting to lick Philips boo boo's away.

Year after year we were amazed that we still had Jumper. We then decided we would just go "look" again when they had greyhound day..that is where we found our brindle greyhound..name Rasta.

Every morning I would say..how ya feeling old man? And I would get a smile. A few years ago Jumper broke his tail. We have no idea how. But a amazing vet who works with the Greyhounds at the track said..let me try to save it. Jumper had two major operations and a short little tail. He was one tough old man..lol

As most of you know..things have been rough for the past year...everyday Jumper was here. Every time I would be away dealing with Medical..Jim would laugh because I would always ask about the kids and how is Jumper.

Tuesday Morning Jumper had a stroke. He was trying to get up and I was helping him..He went limp in my arms. I laid him down to rest and stayed up all night laying with him . I talked and he listened. He licked peanut butter and I whispered important things in his ear.

Wednesday I called the track manger and through my tears I told him what had happened and that even with time Jumper was getting worse. Dennis offered to come help Jim with a stretcher to get Jumper to the Vet. I told Dennis how scared of the van Jumper was...and he said the track vet was there. He suggested we see if Dr. George could come to the house. Next thing I know ...The track vet was on his way to see Jumper at our house. The same very who taken care of Jumper on the track as he ran for victory. the same vet who never gave up on him even when his tail did not heal and had to go back into surgery. Dr. George...gave Jumper is freedom. Yesterday the kids told their best buddy goodbye...we sent Rasta outside . Jimmy and I held Jumper..I whispered for him to be happy and never forget how much we loved him. Our hearts are broken..and our house is so quite without our sweet friend.
Jimmy and I drove an hour late last night to take Jumper to a lady who does cremations. And tonight we drove back and have him home.
We promised Jumper the day we adopted him we would take good care of him and never leave him..and we have till the end.

I can not begin to tell you how much it meant to me that the same man who gave us Jumper so many years ago was willing to help Jumper in the end. I told Dennis ..it was as if it was his last gift to helping Jumper. Dennis told me that he and Dr George talked and they both said they had never known a Boy Grey to live 18 years...

When we got home last night after leaving Jumper..I had the sweetest email waiting..

Hi Amy,

I had an opportunity to talk to Dr George today and he said that he was heading to your house. I am so sorry to hear about Jumper but feel you should have no regrets. He had a wonderfully long life and it may be a blessing that he went down hill fast so there was not a lingering aliment!

He is in a better place now and I feel that we will see them all again in the next life and that will surely be "Heaven".

Our thoughts and prayers are with you and Jumper!

Dennis

So tonight we have our friend back home. The tears have been non stop. I feel like I have lost my best friend..somehow he always seemed to care how we were..what we were doing and hopeful we would drop some food.

Please keep the kids in your prayers...there is a lot of hurt in our house right now with Philips medical. And they are just heartbroken.

Just For Today..

2010-03-30T09:35:00.000-04:00

Not a lot of time..we are in middle of a big medical day for Philip..

After having a very hard night of him throwing up , falling, sezuires...and lot's of tears...

I figured out I have two choices..To fall apart...or

No matter how hard today is..God blessed me with it..so I dry my tears and embrace it. That is my goal..for today.

Sigh...

2010-03-29T16:08:00.000-04:00

Today is just a hard day. I really could use some prayers and a dose of patience.

I am going to admit something ...I am just at my wits end. I feel like I could crawl in a corner and not ever come out. I am not strong or brave. I just do what I need to do..and not very well. I do not make the best of each day..I just make it through the days.. Maybe this is just a pity party...maybe I really feel this way..today I am not sure of much...

As you know tomorrow is a busy day for Philip..I posted about it last night. I also am having a aggressive treatment at the end of the week. I spent all morning thinking of how to make this a good week for the kids..especially Cole. Funny how excited I was earlier to know they made Atari plug in games ..simple things can make a mom happy..huh?

Well today has turned really rough for Philip. He fell earlier today. Thank goodness someone was here to help him. We make sure someone is here at all times since he has been falling alot lately.

And a hour later he had a bad seizure.

One part of me just wants to sit and cry..the other part of me wants to yell to the top of my lungs..

I swear..I know God is in charge. I know he has a plan. I know he will be here for us. But today I feel very alone.

Yet I am not alone...I have a house filled with amazing kids..and no matter how much I want them to let me just BE ....it is not going to happen. I might run away...

I bet some of you are just shaking your head thinking how awful I sound in this post. Cause I feel pretty guilty that I feel this way.

Please pray for Philip. He is my son. He deserves to be healthy and happy. And as his mom..I have to figure out how to help him achieve these things..

Sunday Chit And Chat

2010-03-28T18:20:00.000-04:00

Just curious how everyone is doing this blessed Sunday?

Did anyone do any wonderful this weekend?

Got anything planned for this week?

I will be doing a treatment late this week and they tell me it will be hard on me. Since this is the first one of the new aggressive protocol I am not sure what to expect . Time will tell..huh?

Last week was a very hard week for Philip...He will be having some test done this week and a procedure. If you could keep him in your prayers . His shunt and pump will need to be turned off for these testing..with the shunt being off it means the fluid builds really fast and he will have a few rougher days even after his shunt is reset. I always dread when it is test time and the machines in him need to be messed with. But then again we need to know so we can get him some help. So Tuesday will be a hard day and we would so love to feel your prayers that day.

I also wanted to mention that Philip's birthday is in a few weeks...I have a feeling it will be a hard one for him for a number of reasons. I am trying to think of some ideas to remind him just how special he is . What a blessing from God the day he was born. I get goose bumps when I think of just how wonderful it was to finally be a mommy..and God sure did bless us with the most amazing baby and young man.

I am going to log off..we are having awful weather ...the lights have gone out three times..and gosh forbid my computer gets fried...always protect the computer..huh?

Time To Pick A Name..

2010-03-24T15:02:00.000-04:00

It is time to pick the name for the web page for my new bussiness...so as most of you know ..it will be a way for me to take every penny I make and put towrds medical bills...what a blessing that will be.

The product is called Skinny Dip...

And I want something trendy and hip..lol

So here are some ideas...ready..let me know your favorite or if you have a better one..

Skinny Dip? We Got Ya Covered..

Fragrant Blessings

Amy's Aromas

diva delights...skinny dip candles

SKINNY DIVA

Skinny by Design

Philip Update.

2010-03-24T14:52:00.000-04:00

First and more important...Philip could really use some prayers. Things just are not going good for him right now. He has been falling more often. Dropping things with his left hand and has no use of his right arm and hand.
The specialist who would be helping us with this is out on a medical leave. The Dr covering seems as confused and over whelmed as I am..and well..I just feel like I could scream..

As I am typing this I got a call back...from the director. Philip will have a procedure tomorrow out of town to see if we can do something to help with his pain.. He can not contuine to sleep non stop and cry when he is awake.

He is due for a surgery in begiing of April..so we will need to discuss that with them and see what is the best option.

I am really nervous about tomorrow for him..but so relieved that I spoke with someone who knew what to say and do to atleast get us going in the right direction..

God Is Good..He knew I was at my end..I came here to reach out.and the phone rang..

Please continue to pray for Philip and for safe travels tomorrow...

Help Me? Yes You..

2010-03-23T12:26:00.000-04:00

I am getting ready to start my web page to sell my Skinny Dip Candles..
I need a catchy name..PLEASE HELP.

Wanna know why I need help...Here is Jim's suggestion..

Smells Like Amy...( it would be my luck tons of you sat next to a Amy that smelled Bad)

A friend said..Cure you stink..( ummm...thanks but no thanks)

Come on..you guys are hip..cool...and I am begging..So post me your ideas...

And guess what...There could be a gift involved ...yes that was a bribe..

Just a Real Hard Night..

2010-03-20T01:21:00.001-04:00

I just do not know what to do...I swear my heart is going to break. I love my son more then I could ever explain. I have always tried to do my very very best to do the right thing by him. I have prayed so hard ...over and over...I have tried my best to turn everything over to God. I have worked on my faith. I have even found myself sitting on the floor of a ICU begging for God to help us...I just feel broken tonight as a mom...
I heard Philip crying in the bathroom tonight. He came out and my heart just broke. His lip was shaking and he was in so much pain he could not control himself. I sat down and talked with him. He is just broken. Physically and emotionally . Listening to my son tonight made my heart break. He is so discouraged with his life.
The hardest thing was trying to find a balance tonight with...It is going to be okay..when I am not sure it will be. To I know how hard things are...to we have to be thankful for what we have. Wanna know something...I wanted to just put my hands over my head and scream and cry. I do not know what to say..I do not know what to do..and I feel like a failure as a mom.
The truth is...NO matter how much I pray..and depend on God..this hurts..deep hurt. He is hurt. I am hurt. Our whole family is hurting. And I know just because we have faith in God does not mean it makes it any easier...it just means we are not alone. Yet tonight I feel alone.
I want my sweet son to be well. I want to go back in time and try to make some change to something that happened to make this better. I want to see a light in his eyes...I want I want I want so much more for my son.
I just can not believe that things have gotten so out of control for Philip. It seems that we went from a simple brain operation to another to 17 more .strokes on one side..weakness on the other....How did this all happen? No shunts to one to two shunts to three..and then pain pumps ...my goodness..I never would of thought this would happen to my son. I never let myself really think about the fact..this all started with the mass in the brain stem that we went in and removed..and here we are with it back..and in a place that last time they attempted to get there he had a stroke. The following time the Dr could not even get to it. I feel like we are waiting on a ticking time bomb. That mass is in a place that the Dr said is the most dangerous part of his brain..so many blood vessels ...he would bleed out. I think his words were damned if we do and damned if we don't.
I know it could be worse..but tonight it feels pretty awful.
So I listened..I told him I was here..I told him I cared...and I told him that I know it is so hard but to please try to focus on the fact he is blessed..and then I gave him a very strong pain pill..that will work with his pain pump and night meds..and I so hope he sleeps.
And now it is 1 am and I feel like my heart is broken..It just seems that everything hut pretty darn hard tonight.
Somehow I have to try to make this better for Philip and our family. I keep praying and I know God is listening. I just have this incredible scared feeling.

I adore my swap partner..

2010-03-19T17:27:00.000-04:00

I have to say that I was so spoiled by my swap buddy. I swear it was as if she knew just what I needed.

I love the package ...see how cute she did the mailing tags...they are made from the button from the blog..I went ahead and took off our mailing address...just in case a bad person wanted to come get us..lol

She picked out the perfect gifts for me..I LOVED the blanket. It is the softest blanket that has ever been made..and thanks to Gwen it is mine..and as I tell my kids..ALL MINE. It is perfect for when I am not feeling well after treatment. I love it.
She also sent the cutest Grill apron and magazine. It is getting to be the perfect weather for that...I love it. She sent me a good book to read..and I plan to take it with me while at my many DR appts. She sent me a wonderful book to help with my spirtuial needs..Thank you so much . I also got a super cute veggies tray with a coupun for some dip...I am going to fill that up with fresh veggies and fruit. Yummy.
Another thing she got me was some Bath and Body hand soap. The funny thing is..I LOVE it. I guess I am cheap I have never bought it for myself and now I am hooked.
The one thing I love most about my swap gift is the hand written notes from Gwen. I just could FEEL the support and kindness in her words. As much as I love the whole gift box..I appericate her words and support most. I kept the note cards and will read them on the harder days..
Thank you for the box and thank you for the awesome swap.

Just A Little Chit Chat

2010-03-18T23:06:00.000-04:00

I have to admit I do not have a lot to say...I am just feeling a little lonely tonight and thought I would come here and say hello. It is almost funny that I say I feel lonely because our house is filled with beautiful children and my best friend and husband Jimmy. Yet...I am feeling lonely in a different way.I think it has just been a long day...heck hasn't it been a long week? Thank goodness tomorrow is Friday .

So I have been feeling a little bad for my family lately. My husband leaves in the morning and I am laying in bed and he comes home and for day after day I am in the same place and I will admit in the same clothes. How the heck did everything become so hard..the simple act of taking a bath...so today I swore by the end of the say I would not be in the same clothes...I took a bath and washed my hair...and you may want to sit down...I even changed into some sweats and a t shirt..The family did not say anything...I think they were in shock..haha. I guess when the DR said we needed to go aggressive..they meant it..because it is kicking my butt..But guess what...I am going to win..I may not do it pretty..but I will get it done..

Philip has been having some medical issues . sleeping up to 20 hrs the last few days .he has been falling alot. He fell today again. I am not sure what is going on..but of course if I let myself go crazy..I could think of a million things..none of them good. I did want to let you all know I updated is Caringbride page..the link is on the side bar..just click the pic..if you would like to visit his webpage.

I have to tell you ...the best medicine I have are my kids. They are crazy and keep me laughing. Cole has a list of words he is not allowed to say. So the other day he said Freakin...weenie..I said Cole you are NOT allowed to say those words..He said I did NOT say them..Myself did. He said Myself is 7 and he can say them. So we had a long talk about fibbing..and he looked at me and said..Mama I will talk to Myself about fibbing..Oh my goodness..haha.

Tomorrow I am going to post the pic of my amazing swap package I got...I love every single thing I got..Thank you so much Gwen.

Wordless Wednesday,,Almost

2010-03-16T23:34:00.000-04:00

Can ya tell he lives in the house with a 13 year old sister? He came out of the bathroom and said...I look like Edward...so cute...if you leave out the fact Edward is a vampire and well...that says enough..

He does look cute as can be..huh? Love the messy hair..what ya think?

Speaking of Edward...anyone buying a certain movie that is being released the 20th? I bet you know the one..lol

Spring Swap...

2010-03-13T11:53:00.001-05:00

Spring is in the air...can you feel it ? What better way to celebrate then join in on a Spring Swap. Hurry because they fill up fast...

What Ya Doing This Weekend?

2010-03-12T15:50:00.000-05:00

Just curious what you all were doing this weekend? Anything really exciting...fun...dangerous..lol.

Have all of you heard of Sunny Florida? I sure do miss it. It has rained non stop...we might need a row boat to get to my Dr appt. Cole's first TBALL game was canceled due to the field being under water. And the poor spring breakers are walking around looking really pissy because this is NOT their idea of Sunny Spring Break.

I am dealing with the news of my medical update from last week. Actually I should say WE ...as in the family are working on dealing with the idea that things may take a little longer or be a little harder or not as clear as would like. But we are very blessed that we found the masses to begin with . We said in the beginning we would do whatever it took to make sure I was healthy and here with my family....and that is what we are doing.

I am so proud that Emily is doing Relay For Life...if anyone is intrested in donating..please email me..and I will make sure it goes towrads Emily's team. amyb1569@cfl.rr.com

Philip has had some rough days. He is due for a procedure with his pump in two weeks. It is always a rough time for him. I swear he is the strongest person I know. I would fall apart with one brain operation and a stroke..and he is till trying to move forward after brain surgery number 19 and a stroke. I wish I could bottle a little of his courage and strength.

Wondering if any of you are on Twiiter...if so let me know..I am amyb11569 on twitter.

I wondered if anyone would be interested in a AWESOME SPRING GIVEAWAY? Would YOU? If so comment and let me know, cause I have a idea. It make me some of you happy..

Gotta Love Little Brothers...

2010-03-09T21:35:00.000-05:00

Cole has decided he LOVES to spy on Emily. Today he climbed in the tree to watch her come home from the bus stop...it was so cute..he has never been in the tree and she was so suprised to see him sitting there..Gotta love little brothers..

Dragonfly..

2010-03-06T10:01:00.000-05:00

Dragonfly...I found this online and just really liked it..I wanted to share with each of you..

In the bottom of the pond lived some grubs who could not understand why none of their groups ever came back after crawling up the stems of the lilies to the top of the water. They promised each other that the next one who was called to make the upward climb would return and tell what happened to him. Soon, one of them felt an urgent impulse to seek the surface; he rested himself on the top of the lily pad and went through a glorious transformation which made him a dragonfly with beautiful wings. In vain he tried to keep his promise. Flying back and forth over the pond, he peered down at his friends below. Then he realized that even if they could see him they would not recognize such a radiant creature as one of their number. The fact that we cannot see our loved ones or communicate with them after the transformation, which we call death, is no proof that they cease to exist. Walter Dudley Cavert

Quick Update..

2010-03-05T20:47:00.001-05:00

Many of you know I am recovering from surgery that I had on Tuesday. Ouch. Not that I am complaining but Cole has managed to bump my stomach more times this week then ever before. And he has also spent a lot of time cuddling with me..He gives the best cuddles.

I have been taking some time to reflect and mental figure out some news I got earlier this week. A year ago I had surgery was given the diagnosis of Cancer. The recovery has been long and in many ways and multiple operations..I am still recovering. During the testing some "surprises " were found. When I was given my original treatment plan ..it was based on the pathology and was considered the best plan at the time.

Since my amazing daughter reads my blog...yes you Emily...I am going to just put the basic info in my update.
Without going into great detail and stats and odds ...I will just say that my original diagnosis was what they call a precursor to a more complicated aggressive form of my original cancer. As testing has been done and more "places" were found we knew that it was not as simple as we had hoped.

This week we have been figuring out what the best plan of action is..and now have what I call my map...my mapping of treatment.

I will be starting a new protocol that will consist of Five drugs. Four will be given thru the vein and one by mouth. This protocol has a time span of 5 to 8 months months depending on how the body reacts and rebound between treatments.

A radiologic imaging test (PET/CT) is recommended, either six to eight weeks after finishing chemotherapy or twelve weeks after finishing radiation therapy.It will be considered a good response when..

They say I am well,,I so look forward to that happening one day soon.
They find no evidence of disease or disease-related symptoms on history and physical examination.
My spleen and liver cannot be felt during the physical examination.
All post-treatment residual masses are negative on PET scan.This includes the nodules on my chest wall.
My bone marrow biopsy is negative.

I have to admit I am discouraged that things have gotten worse instead of better.I hate words like aggressive..and I feel like we are starting over again..BUT...it is what it is..yes?

So while things have gotten a little more aggressive..I am glad we are going to be aggressive. I mean what choice do we have?

Thank you all so much for your support..it has been a rough week ..worrying about all of this..

Do You Troll Or Pandora?

2010-03-05T08:53:00.002-05:00

Wanted to add that Troll has a special right now..If you buy a clasp you get the bracelet for free..sooo...go buy a clasp..ha

I got a Pandora bracelet for Mothers day last year. I LOVE it. I get a troll bead for each holiday.Much better then the stand by nick knack..lol I have a mix and match bracelet. There is a small shop that sells the Troll beads and I have to admit..If I win the lottery..after the medical and all that stuff..I would buy me some serious Troll beads..
Okay sorry..back to the story..I found out last week that Troll is doing a pretty cool thing. They are releasing some new beads today..and for every $25 bead $20 goes to the Haiti rebuild fund. How cool is that..and the beads look beautiful..

So do you have a Troll or Pandora bracelet?

Empowerment Bead Collection Press Release – Trollbeads Canada

March 2nd, 2010 by admin No comments » “VAUGHAN, ON – February 26, 2010 – The Trendy Group and Trollbeads are pleased to
announce the release of the Haiti Empowerment bead collection, Beads of Hope. This
exclusive line of beads underscores Trollbeads’ commitment to charitable causes.
The initial offering of colourful, glass Haiti Empowerment beads will be released in early
March 2010. The Trendy Group, in partnership with Trollbeads Denmark, our retailers
and sales representatives, will donate $20 from every Haiti Empowerment bead purchase
to Habitat for Humanity Canada to support their Haiti relief efforts. Habitat for Humanity
Canada’s goal is to provide housing solutions to 50,000 low-income Haitian families over
the next five years.
In order to include all consumers in this worthy cause, Trollbeads has designed and
manufactured Empowerment beads to fit Trollbeads bracelets as well as similar beaded
bracelets. It is our hope that the beads’ message of love and support will strengthen all
those affected by this disaster.”
“Habitat for Humanity Canada is a national, non-profit organization working for a world
where everyone has a safe and decent place to live. The mission of the organization is to
mobilize volunteers and community partners in building affordable housing and
promoting homeownership as a means to breaking the cycle of poverty. Habitat for
Humanity Canada was founded in 1985, consists of over 50,000 volunteers and 73
affiliate organizations from coast to coast, and is a member of Habitat for Humanity
International which spans 93 countries, has built over 300,000 homes, and is now
building a new home every 10 minutes. For more information about Habitat for
Humanity Canada, visit www.habitat.ca”

Thirsty Thursday

2010-03-04T21:38:00.001-05:00

This is my first time doing Thirsty Thursday..I found the idea from a wonderful new blog I am reading...Hop over and read a few Thirsty Thursday post..

For what seemed like forever I did a Low Carb diet. I started over weighing 233 and met my goal of 136. It was so hard giving up sugar...I had to learn a way around it to stay on plan and not get bored. Low Carb is not always easy but it can be done. For example...my StarBucks LC drink...

I would do 5 pumps Sugar Free Hazelnut syrup
Half and Half
3 espresso shots...ice and blended. Some days I would add a little whip cream...and guess what...It was awesome and I never felt deprived.

Hope you enjoyed my LC drink post...

Need A Little Help

2010-03-04T09:56:00.001-05:00

Update... Thank you all for taking time to read this..I found a wonderful friend who is going to help me..and I am excited to get working on it...and show you all the web page when it is done...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As most of you know who read my blog..our lives have changed so much in the past year. Along with Philip's medical bills we now have some major medical bills stacking up from my operations and treatments..and testing.

While I may not be able to go out and find a job right now..I can and so mentally need to help our family stay as solid as possible...Plus I would like to just feel like I am helping in some small way..

Can you help me. I am looking for someone to help me set up a simple webpage to sell my skinny dip candles and pamper packs.

I want a simple page..where I can have a drop down list of what I have availaible..there is a set price for each along with shipping.

I would need to accept paypal and have that on my blog..

Anyone looking for a little work..a simple webpage? Yes..good..please let me know

amyb1569@cfl.rr.com

Oh and if you want some skinny dip products ..let me know..I have a great deal going on..while I wait to get the page up and going..

Looky What I Did For You Guys...

2010-03-01T09:44:00.000-05:00

Now If I did not have Cancer I would not be losing goobs of my hair. Which means most likely we would not be needing to have some type of plumbing stuff done in our shower very often.

If my DH had been able to fix the never ending clog from the roof and the drain and his uteering bad words...then we would not of needed to make the call..

The call to the plumber to come and fix my drain.

And I would NOT be able to share this amazing picture with you.

Okay ..go ahead and ask..ask me..

Yes I was shaking as I took the picture. I saw it..well him...and I walked out and said Amy do NOT do it. Do NOT take your iphone in there and take that picture. I even shook my head and said NO AMY. I even said said my bloogy friends would be laughing at me right now..but would say..snap the picture. So I did.

I came in very quite and snapped that picture and why? For all of you..

Yes..that is how brave and how much I love each of you. I risked my life to snap a crack picture of the plumber.

Go ahead...thank me...you know you want to..ha

Here We Go Again..

2010-02-24T20:52:00.000-05:00

I come in the room to Emily sobbing. I look at her and say what in the world is wrong...Then I see IT. Yep she is reading Dear John. She cried for a hour.

I love that she is emotional and sweet. But we gotta pick her some Happy Go Lucky Books.

My sweet girl with a big heart...

I went there..

2010-02-21T22:33:00.001-05:00

So today something happened...I went there...

I let my mind go to the place I try to not let it go...

Let me explain..sometimes it hits me...I have cancer. I am sick. My whole life has changed . I get scared. I get tired . And I am overwhelmed. When these thoughts pop in my head I never let myself dwell on it for long..because it gets me no place good...

Today my thoughts went there and have been there all day. What if's...How the heck did this happen. What are we going to do ? And how can we take care of Philip's medical and mine also?

Today has been a little bit of a lesson..Do not go there.

I am praying..I am taking it one appt at a time..everyday.

Speaking of test...Last week I had three and tomorrow I have a big one. Please pray for good clear results. I hate waiting and not knowing. I know they will be what they are..but I want to know..oh and I want them to be GREAT results. I hope I can post that news sometime this week..

I know this is not a mistake. God does not make mistakes. But I just can not figure out the what, how and when of this thing we call LIFE.

I know we are blessed. I am here. Philip is here. And I have reminded myself that it could be so much worse. But maybe it is okay for me to allow myself tonight to admit..it is hard..and it is okay to feel how I felt today. Just can not dwell on it.

So tonight as I get ready for bed. I am thankful for today and praying for tomorrow.

Some thoughts outloud

2010-02-20T12:56:00.000-05:00

Have you ever just seen something or someone and can not get it off your mind?

I had a Dr appt today...yes on a Sat...I swear I am 100% convienced Cancer could care less about the idea of weekends or holidays.

I went to the pharmacy so I would be done for the day and could come home to rest.

As I am standing there..I see a young girl. She did not look too much older then Emily. She looked nervous and scared. I looked at her and saw she had a box of pregnancy test. I am not sure why...but it has really upset me. I think the look in her young eyes was...pure fear. and I am a grown adult mother feeling fearful for her.

There was just something about her that has made me sad today. I found myself thinking about her alot today. I so hope her test is negative. Yet unless she makes some serious life changes...it will only be a matter of time until it is positive.

I guess I find myself worrying everyday if I am doing or giving my kids the best I can...I want more for this young girl and certainly would not want her to be responible for raising and molding a baby.

I know it happens..everyday. But for some odd reason I can not stop thinking of this young girl. So pretty...so sad looking and so scared.

I am going to pray for this young girl...will you?

Wanna join? Hurry...

2010-02-20T12:37:00.000-05:00

Hurry to join this awesome swap

I'm so excited to get to Participate in Dandelion Wishes Favorite Things Swap again this year! Wanna join me! Make sure you hurry ...it fills up fast. I can't wait to see who my partner is!Maybe it will be YOU.

The Question Is....

2010-02-14T15:26:00.000-05:00

The Question is...Did The Cold Keep Cupid Away?

I hope not...

Wanna share with me about your Valentine's day ? What you did...What you ate...What you gave each other...

I woke up to a nice little bag with a pretty bead for my bracelet...I love it. It has been on my wish list...and now it will be on my bracelet...yah...

Mom...Who Do I Look Like?

2010-02-12T11:23:00.000-05:00

I swear Cole can me laugh on my hardest days...

Last night he came out of the bathroom and said...

Hey mom who do I look like?

I said..well my precious boy..

He said duh mom...but who else?

I said..I am not sure..

He said Edward..

You know Edward...????? Bella's Edward..

Yep he knows Edward...Emily is 13 and his sister..lol

Notice the smile too...

So darn cute..

Face Says It All...

2010-02-10T22:27:00.001-05:00

Yes....she is such a tender heated soul...

Last night Emily came out of her room crying so hard I could not understand what she was saying...

Finally she said...I just finished My Sister's Keeper...

She cried for hours....even though she had already seen it at the movies..
Love my tenderhearted girl...

Who Needs Some Sun?

2010-02-09T13:50:00.000-05:00

Okay I know not all of you live in Florida where the sun shines all the time..Okay most of the time.

I would like to give a reader a little bit of SUN with a giveaway ....ready?

Have you ever heard of these bags? They change colors when you go out in the sun lite. They are really cool bags.

I would LOVE to give a reader one of these awesome bags.

Here is what you do to enter..

Simple...

Post to me about why you NEED this bag...are you snowed in? Miss the sun?

Go check out there web site so you can see the bags and how cool the are.

Tweet and/or blog about the giveaway and you are all set ...post and let me know..

Stay warm and good luck.

LOVE FAITH HOPE...GIVEAWAY

2010-02-05T14:17:00.000-05:00

Some of my long time readers will remember this shirt. I have had a few giveaways of this shirt.

I also have sent a few of these shirts to some very special bloggers who were going through rough times..or just showed some awesome LOVE FAITH HOPE.

I think I need a dose of that right now...so will you join in on my giveaway for a LOVE FAITH HOPE shirt. I have a few in different colors and sizes..all with the same awesome message...

So who wants one?

Simple..post a comment ..share a simple message of LOVE FAITH HOPE. A story...a verse..a book..a song..be creative..

Post this on your blog for a second entry..

Post this on Twitter for a third entry...

Is anyone excited about maybe getting one of these?

Just sharing...From The Heart

2010-02-03T15:03:00.000-05:00

Wanna know a little secret? When I post a bunch with pictures and little cute updates I "think" it is because I am having a hard time. I bet a few of you are saying..DUH ...we knew that...

I hate the idea that my blog depresses people...actually I hate that my life depresses people. I mean ...it is life..And in so many ways...our story is not depressing it is amazing..let me explain.

How many children do you know who have had 19 brain operations , a stroke...20 plus painful secondary operations and are still here to bless his family daily? I dare say there are many families who would call this a blessing...We do.

As for my cancer. I remind myself every single day that it was by the grace of God I felt the mass in my neck. It is by the Grace of God that I happen to have some routine blood work done that showed some abnormal labs. It is also such a blessing that when they did the scan on my neck they happen to see the nodules on my lungs...If the two masses has been in my stomach or someplace else..I would not of found them..and well..it could be a different outcome. So once again..a blessing.

Cole getting sick..yes that was scary and hard. It is something that happens. We are so very blessed he is doing so well. In fact he is just too cute for his own good..

And while these are blessings...and I am thankful. I have to say I feel like things are falling apart. I have been doing some thinking..

I have severe anxiety. I worry about things that make no difference. I believe in prayer. I trust God to take care of us. And yet I worry non stop. What does that mean? Does it mean I do not trust him enough? Does it mean I am crazy?

I feel overwhelmed with the littlest things...the act of making dinner seems like running a marathon. And while I know I have a "reason" it is still a issue. I want to feel in control. I make a plan to get in control..and then I am too worn down to follow through. In many ways the guilt of the changes here at home..are harder then being sick. I guess I feel like my life has so changed..and yet my role as a mom..and a wife...have not. Is there a balance?

I think Jim may lose his job. Everyday I find myself holding my breathe when I drive up from a appt worried his van will be here. And I mean really holding my breathe. I keep praying...and yet I keep worrying..Once again I have to ask..does that mean my faith is weak? I thought about not putting that on here..because in the past certain things I put here have gotten back to family. The funny thing about that is the very people reporting those things..are the same people who have not once picked up the phone or said I am sorry you are sick. I guess it is a tad funny to so pretend to be so caring and yet read here to get the details. ( okay that felt good..bad I know but true)

I thought about Fly Lady..to help me with the house. It makes sense...and I think it would help. Baby steps.

I am going to dive into the world of coupons to help with the money issues.

I am going to push selling my skinny dip products to help with the medical bills..

I am going to keep praying to help my heart..and my fears..

I am going to keep reminding myself we are blessed...and as long as we have each other...we will be okay..I hope my head and heart will listen..

My Mommy Is Older..

2010-02-02T13:16:00.000-05:00

He is so darn cute..

Today he had his follow up with the pediatric endocrinologist for the diabetics concern.

He went in and sat down with his monitor in hand to show the DR his numbers.. He HATES his monitor..

Look close at his expression in the second picture..He is saying to the nurse..My mommy is older then you and she will tell you to not poke my finger. She explained how they needed to check his numbers and it would be over fast. He said as serious as can be..God gave me my blood and it is mine.

Unfortunately lost the battle but not without a good fight..

Some labs are still pending and he has a big test at the end of this week ...they should help clear up some of the concerns with his ongoing high sugar numbers..

I LOVE his Dr. He is so nice and so easy to talk to. He even let me ask things like..well what does your gut say? Do you think this is a issue...

And the funny thing is..when he told us we may need to go to GATORLAND for a trail study down the road. I explained to him ..about my deep deep VERY DEEP dislike for Orange and Blue ..and he said.."learn to love them"...Yuck. LOL

Thank you all who have been visiting and leaving messages.. I have to admit lately I have felt overwhelmed and a pretty down. It just makes my day when I see who have visited..

As always....God is Good to us every single day..we are so very blessed ..

Lesson Learned..Really..

2010-02-01T19:52:00.000-05:00

Soooo.....I will admit something. You may or may not be shocked by this...if you have read for a while...you will not be shocked. LOL

So a few weeks ago I had a procedure scheduled. I am running late and get almost there and realize..I have no panties on. Okay..I know..no underwear .how tacky. Would it help if I said I was saving on having more laundry to do...yep that is my story.

So I start to think...what am I going to do. I look around my van ..like I think I may find some extra ones there. Ha. I then think..well maybe I can tell them I am NOT going to take my pants off...but then I think I have a metal button and they will make me.

Think Amy...Think..

I see a CVS....and I have a plan.

I go in and I am looking everywhere..and can not find any underwear .and I have no time to play the up and down each isle.. So I ask this handsome young man. who is m son's friend...do you sell socks. Yes I wimped out and said socks..I can not say hey ..ya sell underwear.. He tells me where the "socks" are and I go walking fast to get me a pack.

I stand there and look at the underwear. I decide to get a smaller size cause I mean who wants to get a BIG size when the young handsome man checking you out is your son's friend...

I get up there and put them down. He says as serious as can be...wow these are strange looking socks.

So just to recap. I asked for socks but bought underwear way too small for me ...because the young handsome man knows my son...and....well I do not know...come to think of it..it makes no sense..

I swear I am going to wear underwear every single day...I am..really...

Where In The World Is Cole Tre????

2010-01-29T08:42:00.001-05:00

Cole says Thank you all who prayed for me...My mommy told me who came by and left blog messages..

Cole decided if they can not find him..they can not touch him..

Cole wanted me to tell you he is home...and he is resting. He has to go over to the out of town children hospital for some sugar testing follow up. But for this morning he is home and happy..( okay not so happy but home..LOL)

Snack Time...

2010-01-28T16:26:00.000-05:00

I know he is mine..but he is so darn cute...yes?

Snack Time ...

Check back later for some GREAT NEWS FROM COLE...

Wordless Wednesday

2010-01-27T21:28:00.000-05:00

Notice anything "special" about this picture? The Dr and Nurses get a laugh each time they come in the room and see his cute toes.

It gave me a little shock when I saw them in the ER...

I guess Emily played some secret dress up..hummm

Someone Seems To Like His Nurses..

2010-01-26T20:04:00.001-05:00

Cole seems to like getting his back beat on by his favorite Respiratory tech. He also loves to have his tummy rubbed by his day nurse. And then there is the one who rubs head during his treatment..I would say he is all boy...huh?

He is so darn sweet ...and we are so very blessed with all his care.

My sweet boy is working hard to get better.

Thank you all so much for the prayers. The comments and emails mean so much...you bless our family with your support.

Thoughts from Cole

2010-01-25T15:21:00.000-05:00

Mommy...why does everyone dress like a space person?

They like to dress up here Cole..funny looking huh?

what I thought is..
there are two lil notes on your door that would scare anyone too death to come in here without being covered ..head to toe...

Cole...Oh..I must be dressed up as ET..

Gosh I love my sweet boy..

Cole Update...Sunday..

2010-01-24T16:16:00.000-05:00

I love this picture. One of the techs came in today to check on Cole. He told me he went home and had been really worried about Cole. He asked me if it would offend me if he prayed over Cole. Offend me...never. What a blessing that Cole has such amazing people taking care of him...that they work as hard as they can to help him get stronger and also pray for him and with him. God is Good.

Cole's blood sugars remain elevated. This is a concern to the specialist. He did order some pancreas testing and a antibody test. These will take a few days to come back. Maybe they will give us a more clear answer. Until then he is being treated with insulin and also having gis sugars tested every 3 hrs.

The Dr did add a new medication today. He also said he has some concerns with the deep breathing Cole and the sounds of his left lung. He has respiratory coming in every 2 hrs and now they added a vest that shakes him to break the fluid up better.

Cole did mouth the words to me early this morning that he needed to go home. That was enough to break my heart...I assured him soon we would be home ...

He is so sweet and so brave. I am so thankful we have such wonderful people taking care of him.

Thank you all for the great messages of support. It means more to me then you know.

Our Little Guy Is Sick

2010-01-23T19:13:00.000-05:00

Cole has been sick all week. After two days of seeing the Dr and tons of meds and breathing treatments....he took a bad turn for the worse.
Thursday he started throwing up along with a 104 temp and coughing non stop. Jim and I decided to take him to the ER.
We were taken straight back and had a wonderful Dr and nurse.
As the hours went on with us in the ER his temp got to 105.3 and he got even sicker. They decided to admit him and run a ton of test.
We went upstairs at 5:38 am...I can honestly say I think I have never been so tired.
Cole is still in the hospital. As the nurse said he is the sickest child on the floor right now. That makes me so sad and worried about him.
His test came back showing he has RSV and Mycoplasma pneumonia.
He is on a IV, oxygen and a special antibiotic . Respiratory works with him every 3 hours. They also have added insulin due to his blood sugars being very off. When they tested his chemistry in the ER his blood sugars were 323. Which is extremely high. He is now being tested every 4 hrs and they continue to be elevated. They have sent in a specialist to talk with me about his numbers and a follow up plan.
Cole's temp is now staying around 103 and he is sleeping around the clock.
He is in double isolation . I am glad he is sleeping so much..I think he would be scared too death if he saw how everyone has to dress to come in the room.
I can honestly say...I feel so blessed to know that he is getting wonderful care. The nurses have been so kind and caring. And the two new specialist seem to really be on top of the new issues with Cole.
I am so very thankful that we came in and did not wait till the morning to have him seen again. That could of been a very dangerous outcome for Cole. We had no idea his blood sugars were so off. And if it had not been for a very aggressive ER Dr we may not of found out .
As each Dr has told us..each of theses can be hard to get over..and then you have him having both and high blood sugars...he is very sick and will have a hard few days ahead of him.
He is so sweet and so brave. I am just looking forward to seeing him smile again and get back home.

Checking in ..

2010-01-19T08:50:00.000-05:00

I want to thank all of you who have emailed me and asked me if we are doing okay. It means so much to me that each of you took the time to not only think about us but to reach out and ask...

I have to admit I am in a way....a funk....a sorta hard place....

Why?

I am not so sure how to explain it. Lately I have just felt a lot of dread, I worry non stop. So I pray hard...real hard ...real often for a more peaceful heart. I seem to worry about everything and anything...and of it were not for a ton of DR appts this week..I would crawl up in my bed and not ever get out. Of course that could be a problem with the family..so maybe being forced to get up and go through the act of a day are a blessing...yes?

My medical test are being done...this week is a very busy hard week with some of them. So if you have a few extra prayers I could use them.

Today is a harder day for Philip. He has been up for hours and has a important appt today and procedure. Please keep him in your prayers today...the procedure is painful and scary for him.

I just pray and pray that there is some clear path to know what and where we need to go next. For a while it seemed like we were at a stand still and now it seems like we keep taking steps backwards.
Not giving up...and not giving in...just want to make sure we are doing everything we can to make a difference for Philip's medical issues and help him live the best life he can. Sounds sorta simple when I put it like that.

So once again thank you so much for the emails. I have been getting some for a few days now and each time they come through my email box..I am reminded that we are never alone..and there are so many who do care enough to stop and think about us...and ask how we are doing. That is a amazing gift to us.

I guess I need to get ready for Philip's check in today for his procedure..

Stop by and let me know how you are..what you have been doing...or just that you were here. I love all your comments and yes that means the lurkers..also.. LOL

Wordless Wednesday

2010-01-06T23:23:00.000-05:00

Oh I can not tell you the major fit the boys had when they came in and saw Cole dressed like this and all made up ..with his sister teaching him cheers.

What I find so funny is..in the sec picture he is looking at his Spider man tattoos on his arms.

oh and if you look close at the first pic..peeking out of the top is a bra..but please do not tell that to the boys..They can not take anymore..

Somehing very special...

2010-01-06T22:18:00.000-05:00

If you do not know Tabitha..you are missing out on one of the most amazing ladies I have ever had the honor of knowing. Tabitha does not talk very often about the things she has overcome...but let me tell you...she makes me strive to be a better person. Please take a minute to read about her on her blog.

Many of you know my beautiful nephew Jackson passed away very unexpected a few months ago at the age of 4 months . He had been a healthy big happy little boy who had a runny nose one day and was gone the next. He will always be our angel...

A month ago I got a email from Tabitha asking me if it would be okay for her group to honor Jackson when they did their annual drive for the children in the hospital at Valentine day.

I just could not believe it. How could one little boy of touched so many lives in his short time here? And here was the chance to keep his memory alive to 600 children that are fighting for their life. I can not help but think Jackson would love this.

Our family would like to thank Tabitha for allowing our family to be apart of this wonderful act of kindness.

Tabitha has some current raffles going on to help cover the cost of the gifts to the children. A simple donation of $5 gives you a chance to win some gifts cards and a few other great prizes from Live life
solid.

If you would like to help some sweet children fighting hard...take a minute to go visit Tabitha...you will be blessed. Tell her Amy sent you..

Here is the letter she sent ...
One of our favorite times of the year is near and we are excited about what's to come! Valentine's Day is all about LOVE. Love of family, friends, strangers and love of self. We love spreading love throughout the year, but we especially love doing it for Valentine's! This year Valentine's Day will be extra special for us, because we are honoring a very special child.

Although we have never met Jackson we were very affected by his passing. I adore his aunt Amy who’s a very dear friend. The days after Jackson’s passing Amy’s love and grief engulfed me. I went to my family and told them that I wished to honor Jackson. We decided that when our goody bags are donated this Valentine’s Day each bag would be given in honor of Jackson. We are including cards within each bag to state just that.

This year four hospitals will be gifted with gift bags for their patients:

Methodist Hospital in San Antonio, Texas will receive 200 goody bags.

Children’s Hospital in New Orleans, La will receive 200 goody bags.

Shriners Hospital For Children in Shreveport, La will receive 45 goody bags. (They only have 45 beds)

Shriners Hospital For Children in Philadelphia will receive 75 goody bags. (They only have 75 beds)

Through the past two years we have built beautiful relationships with 130 beautiful kids who we send uplifting mail & small goodies to twice a month. These children will also receive a Valentine’s Day gift bag in honor of Jackson as well.

Great Deal for both of us..

2010-01-04T00:11:00.000-05:00

I know many of you know I am trying to earn extra money for medical expenses with Skinny Dip .
I have the following candles that I am selling this week buy 3 get one free...They will then go back to full price. This is a awesome deal...and by buying them at this price you are getting a deal and I am helping with some medical bills.

I also have pamper packs...you tell me what scents and I can ship them asap.

Feel free to email me..
amyb1569@cfl.rr.com

Lavender..1

Redwood cedar...2

Feeling flirty ....7

ambrosia 2

cucumber melon 4

mango papaya 2

so sexy for him 3

cranberry citrus 3

redwood cedar 2

frankincense and myrrh 1

blackberry vanilla 1

spring lilac 1

pink sugar 1

Some harsh thoughts..

2009-12-31T20:10:00.000-05:00

I have not posted much lately because to be honest...I have been in a bad way. Not your normal bad few days but a period of sorta freaking out.

I have tried to talk myself out of it...I have tried to count my blessings...I have tried to shame myself into getting over this...and yet here I am ...a day of crying and just pure anxiety. Why? I am not sure I even know...

I guess one thing was..Last year I just KNEW that I would make 2009 Christmas wonderful, magical and everything it was not last year. And I can honestly say I have never felt so set up for failure..and know what..It worked..I failed. I can look back and say with my head..you did the best you could...but my heart feels like I did not meet my expectations. And the funny thing is..my expectations were not reasonable.. Christmas is about baby Jesus..not magical memories. I know that...I do..I just need to remind myself of that...

I guess what I wanted was...no cancer..no worries..Philip to wake up happy and cured...and well...me 125 pounds..( okay..lol)

We were so blessed at Christmas. Some very special friends ( you know who you are...) blessed Philip with a kindle. He is so excited and has been looking at the amazon website all week. When he does start some school classes he can download the help books on Kindle.

Spirit Jump so blessed Philip...They won a small notebook and gifted it to Philip. Meaghan is such a wonderful friend and a amazing lady.

So that leads me to tonight...Is it a set up? Cause I have been a mess. I just can not seem to forget just what hard year this has been. And the poor pitiful me can not seem to think tomorrow I am waking up in the same FUNK we have been in this past year. Philip is no better..in fact he is worse...I am still doing treatment and in fact have so many test these next two weeks it is not even funny...and this new year will be without my beautiful nephew. Is it me..or has this been one heck of a hard year?

I think Cole saying to me..you are always at the DR appt instead of with me..Kind of summed up my feelings. I feel like I am not 100% in any area of my life...and in so many areas I am half doing everything.

So I came to you with all of this because I need something...can you please pray for me to work myself out of this awful cycle of depression and anxiety. I sorta feel like I am going crazy. I know that sounds funny but it is sad.

I have been reminding myself non stop that I am blessed..I am alive and I am here ..I have four wonderful children. Philip is alive and here ...I am blessed. and yet I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders..and It could all fall apart in a matter of seconds.

I am praying hard...I am asking god to help calm my worries and fears..

I think that when this new year stuff is over..maybe I will feel better. All this focus on the past year and looking at a new year has got me all ...sad, stressed, mad, hurt , worried and the list goes on. And yet I tell myself I am setting myself up to what or how things SHOULD be...

I want to be thankful and happy and positive for the new year...and yet my heart is hurting and worried. I think I have really just hit a very hard place and am trying to find my way out of it. And it seems that there is more pressure to do that because in a few hours it is a new year...

Is anyone else feeling this way...

Our Daily Blessing ...Life

New Blog Layput

Changes...

Here I am...Will you be here ?

Some Thoughts..

Jumping Back In.

Just Some Stuff

In a Rut?

Is anyone here? Anyone?

How was your Christmas?

Something has been missing

Hey there...

Good Morning

I Love That ....

At Odd With Myself

Day 9 - a photo you took

Cole Tre Update..

Hard Day For My Sweet Boy

Last Night...

Cole Says Goodnight

This Morning

Shaken but so thankful. tonight

Day 8 - a photo that makes you angry/sad

Day 7 - a photo that makes you happy

Day 6 - 20 of my favorite things

Day 5 - your favorite quote

I updated Philip's page ..

Day 4 - your favorite book

Day 3 - your favorite television program

Day 2 - your favorite movie

Tomorrow

Day one

Wordless Wednesday..

Better Late Then Never..

Wordless Wednesday..

Just some random stuff..

This past weekend...

Can I just pretend?

Would You Like To Help?

Wordless Wednesday..No words needed

Hard Coversations

Hard night for miss Emily. I have not been feeling well all weekend.She decided to wash my hair for me . She spoils me rotten.

My hair is coming out in clumps and she freaked out.Poor thing she made it very clear she hates cancer .

She said the sweetest and saddest thing. She asked me if I thought cancer was going to kill me..then she said cause I need you here when I have my babies.

Cancer Sucks and it kills me to see Emily so sad tonight.

BTW I am not even about to give in to cancer. I just let it think it kicked my butt all weekend.

Random Thoughts..Again

Wordless Wednesday..

One Year Ago Tonight...

Hi My name is Amy..

Guess What...

Some Wed Thoughts

Tuesday Tid Bits

Random Thoughts

Small Philip Update

Wordless Wednesday..

Surgery Day

So Very Blessed

Wordless Wednesday

Why Skinny Dip?

Full-size Skinny Dip Candle, single bath sizeSkinny Dip Bath Salts, & full-size lip balm.All packaged in an organza bag.

Scents I have in stock and ready to mail Today..

Philip update ..Monday

Philip medical update..

Jumper...

Just For Today..

Sigh...

Sunday Chit And Chat

Time To Pick A Name..

Philip Update.

Help Me? Yes You..

Just a Real Hard Night..

I adore my swap partner..

Just A Little Chit Chat

Wordless Wednesday,,Almost

Spring Swap...

What Ya Doing This Weekend?

Gotta Love Little Brothers...

Cole has decided he LOVES to spy on Emily. Today he climbed in the tree to watch her come home from the bus stop...it was so cute..he has never been in the tree and she was so suprised to see him sitting there..Gotta love little brothers..

Dragonfly..

Full-size Skinny Dip Candle, single bath size
Skinny Dip Bath Salts, & full-size lip balm.
All packaged in an organza bag.