Sunday, August 7, 2011

Some Thoughts..

Lately it seems I am a bundle of thoughts but never sure if I should share them...I guess I have some worries that I will seems weak or half crazy.  To be honest I may be a little mixture of both....

One thing I KNOW I need to work on is accepting who I am and what I am feeling.  Let me explain...I so wanna be something or someone I just am not ..I wanna be this happy go lucky girl...I wanna be the perfect  mama and wife...I wanna have this pep that no matter how far I dig it just is NOT there...I sure do not feel sorry for myself.  In fact that is part of my issue..I hate to always talk or focus on the medical concerns and worries...and yet some days...most days they are very heavy on my heart.   The craziest thing is...Do you know why I started my blog?  Every time I think about it I just think "GOD LAUGHS WHEN MORTALS MAKE PLANS".  When I started my blog I talked about having a outlet that was not about medical and was just about everyday life...Then within weeks I had my surgery and found out about my cancer. I was so blessed to have my outlet here....I have never felt such support...talk about blessed. So I guess the truth is I feel like I should not complain.  Philip is having the worse time right now, he gets worse by the day and the truth is things are plain bad.  And yet I find myself not posting about him because what do I say? Things stink...he is getting worse and no better...I am hurt that my first born son is sick and in pain every minute of the day...I am so thankful that he is alive and I feel like we have been so blessed with a miracle..Now this is where I wanna say BUT...It is plain hard ...Just really hard.  The truth is I feel pretty hurt and alone as a mom right now.  Philip has been sick and in pain so long that I feel like I am just worn out...Every one has moved on  and here I am..

I think the truth is..I am on steroids right now and my treatment has kicked my butt this go around.. I really wanna run away...far far away..

9 comments:

Kelli said...

Minus what you are going through with your precious children, I can relate to your feelings 100%. My blog was meant to talk about every day life and certainly not to look for sympathy. Well, life really sucks right now and I'm still blogging...it is my outlet and I don't apologize for it. People can choose not to read. Those who care about me and want to know what's going on check in, and I receive nearly 100% positive feedback for sharing my life on my blog and on Facebook...the good, bad, and oh so ugly.

I'm willing to bet that the majority are not here judging you for sharing your feelings, and I hope you will not worry about what people think. They can choose not to read. If they look down upon you in any way, it is due to their own ignorance and apathy and you don't need people like that in your life anyway. Whatever the case, it's their loss. You keep on doing whatever you feel like doing, and know that there are many out there who feel less alone because you do.

Hugs and blessings to your family.

Anonymous said...

Although my difficulites are different than yours, the last 20 years have been filled with one heatache after another. I go from having great peace one day to the feeling of utter depair the next. But so did David and he was "a man after God's own heart". We know that someday....and this life is "but a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes"...we will be with Jesus where all former things will have passed and we will live with no sadness and no tears. Until that day I pray that you find "the peace that passes understanding" here and that God eases the suffering that you and Philip and Cole are experiencing now. I think you are an awesome and stong mom and your family is blessed to have you.

Shellie said...

Oh Amy, you complain as much as you want! If people don't want to read it, they don't have to come. I am still here for her even when I am bad about saying anything.

School starts the 15th and I hope to be more active again after that. Love you and your family so much girl, hang in there.

lanie said...

Praying for you, friend! One word that comes to mind when thinking of you is authentic. I love your heart.

ps. i believe someone owes me a PM :p

lanie said...

Praying for you, friend! One word that comes to mind when thinking of you is authentic. I love your heart.

ps. i believe someone owes me a PM, i won't mention any names :p

LeslieinGA said...

I understand. I frequently want to run away, but instead I take a nap and hide under the covers for a while. Take care of yourself. Praying for you and (((hugs))).

stephanee chilcote said...

amy this is steph from atkins i have been trying to find u forever! add me on fb stephanee chilcote, i cant find u, miss u

jo said...

Hi, Amy,
This is your MN prayer partner-just checking to see if you are there and sure enough, you are back! I never figured out how to use this and today I clicked on comments and got on...now to see if this will post.
You are not forgotten, and neither is Philip or the rest of your family. How is Cole? Hope he was enjoying the summer. So sorry to hear of Philip's constant pain and your struggle with treatments. I don't have anything exciting to tell you except you are held up in prayer and I pray for the peace that passes all understanding for all of you. Jo

MN Mom said...

I have been keeping you and your family in my prayers for a long time. Somehow, I don't feel that the "no news" is good news. Please know that there are people who don't know you who are thinking about you. May God be with you.