Wordless Wednesday..

Just some random stuff..

I have been listening to books on tape lately.  I check them out at the library and once in a while I rent one from Cracker Barrel. The books on tape have been great .  They keep me company while I am in treatment or clinic appts.  I also can listen to them in the car on the way to appts.
So my latest book was "Dear John".  Oh my goodness.  I sorta fell in love with John.  I got upset with Savannah.  I cried .  I laughed.  And I hated when it was over. I heard the movie had a different ending?  I hope they end up together and a house filled with babies. Should I rent it ?

I have been thinking about redoing my blog. I have had this same design from the first day of my blog.  I know this will seem crazy but I find myself scared to change it.  Not sure why.  I guess I need to go look and find a design I like.  Anyone have any suggestions of site for designs and a person who re makes blogs? 

Tomorrow is a busy medical day.  Emily has a post op appt.  She had surgery on Monday.  I will blog about it with some cute as heck pics this week.  Talk about cute..
Philip has a medical procedure in the early afternoon. Always makes me a little worried whenever they have anything planed with him.
I have clinic in the afternoon.  I am sorta tired just thinking about it. I am thinking I will need starbucks in the morning and a sonics drink in the afternnon.
I have never had sonics until a few weeks ago.  Oh my goodness...why did you all not tell me about Sonics? I swear I have a addiction to the diet cherry drinks.  Happy Hour at soncis is my favorite time of the day. LOL
There are some important medical decisions happening in a few weeks. Please keep everyone involved in your prayers and good thoughts. Wish I just knew what and when and how .  Then again , maybe it is best that I do not know. 
What does everyone have going on?  Anything planned for the weekend?

This past weekend...

Sunday, July 11, 2010 6:01 PM, EDT

Today is such a hard emotional day for me .  Tears have flowed all afternoon and I actually feel sick .
Days like this are not so often but when they happen they are awful. I feel like my heart is just breaking.
I wonder what makes days like today happen. And the hardest thing is I do not see it coming .  So it hits hard.
Philip just upped a second sezuire medication and added another medication.  He ended up waking me up last night .  He was sick all night long.  He said I am sorry I woke you up.  Talk about heart strings.
So I layed back down and never went back to a good sleep.  I woke up and made sure he was okay.
It is now 6:20 PM and he is still asleep. I look into his room and I see my son laying in a hospital bed .A hopsital bed.  How did things get to this point.   I have to sometimes take a double .  How can that be my son...Philip.  The little baby I brought home from the hopsital.  The baby that I trusted the DR when they said everything would be okay.  That is PHILIP.  My son.  And I feel like in days like today my heart wants to go into protective mode .
I watched him sleeping a while ago and he was smiling in his sleep.  I really wondered what he was smiling about.  What was making him happy as he slept...and praying I could find a way to make him smile like that.
I fight with myself.  I KNOW we are so very blessed.  It is a true miracle to have a child survive 19 brain operations and a stroke.  Is it selfish of me to want more?  Most days I wake up and am so thankful for what we have.  But days like today I just hurt.  My son...my baby boy is hurting.  He is down.  He is medicated. He has pain pumps, shunts. And yet he is here and in the next room. I feel guilty for even thinking like this..but I can not help it.  I know there are so many moms out there who would do anything to have their babies in the next room.  And while I am more thankful then I can even explain.  My heart hurts today.  Tears have fallen all day.  I feel defeated.  I am digging deep today for some peace. 
I love you Philip.  I am so very proud of you.  I feel so very blessed to be your mom.  If I could I would take this from you.  If there is a way for us to make this better.  I will.  We will not stop till we KNOW we have done all we can.

Can I just pretend?

Can I just pretend it has not been such a long time since I posted and jump back in?   I mean I could give you a list of why's....but most of you already know...when things get a hard for me.  I tend to run and hide.  Not sure why..because I get so much support from my blog.  I guess my not posting during harder times is my attempt to not have a "drama blog".

So let's just get back on track.  I will start with a Hey..how are all of you doing?  Anybody have any awesome news?  Anyone wanna share some prayer request?  Anyone wanna share a secret with me? Something juicy .. LOL

There are some things going on with Philip that I will post about soon.  If you would keep him in your prayers ...

I just wanna scream ...I have missed all of you.  Please never give up on me..I am trying hard to find my way between happy and scared.  There is a balance...right?