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My baby sister made me a Aunt. Jackson was born and a dream of being his Aunt was finally here. I just can not explain to you how much I looked forward to being HIS Aunt. When I found out my sister was going to have it brought on many emotions. My family is my mom, my sister and myself. We were having a baby. God is good.
I had just found out I had cancer .I would lay awake late at night and pray to be with my children and to be here to see Jackson born.
How I love being Jackson's aunt..Along with my own children he is my biggest blessing.
When he was three days old I surprised my sister and went t stay with her a week...Talk about heaven..
On my hardest days..I would say Jackson was my natural Xanax...
During my healing time from some operations I would work hard to get a chance to go visit Jackson.
On Sept 30th I posted how much I was missing Jackson and needed to get well to come see him ..soon.
A mere 6 days later our world would change forever. My heart would break with heartbreak for my sister and for myself. I have not been the same since that phone call.
The reality of Jackson dying has changed our family forever. How does anyone ever get over that hurt? The hurt of seeing your sister tell her only baby goodbye. Haunts me..I am so very proud of her.
Happy 1st birthday Jackson. Not a day goes by
that I do not think about you. I waited a whole lifetime to be your
Aunt. I love your more then I thought possible. I can not help but
wonder what you are doing today..and everyday. I like to think the
angels rock you every night. I love you Jackson....always..
You may want to grab some coffee...or a diet coke. You may want to potty. And if you have children you may want to restart that DVD. This is going to be long. LOL
I have had a little trouble blogging lately. I think in my mind I have a idea of how I "want" my blog to be. But the problem is...my heart is not following what I want. I want to be a care free...preppy...cute...amazing 40 something old blogger. I am so far from that right now. So I backed away until I can be those things. But ummm it is taking a very long time...so I gave up and came back. So hello...miss me?
So let's start over.
Hi my name is Amy. I am a mom to 4 amazing kids. And I am struggling with some hard days dealing with my cancer treatments. I am also living the blessing of having a amazing son who has just had his 19th brain operation and a stroke.
I am working on finding my way...baby steps..but I will do it. Right?
My website store is now open..would you like to be the first to help Philip and spoil youself? Please take a quick look and let me know what you think..
We are on our way to a Surgical appt for Philip. If you could please keep Philip and the medical staff in your thoughts today for a clear path of treatment.
I have been at a little lost for words. Not sure what to say or blog about. Yet I find myself missing my blog. So here I am.
I have been thinking alot about the purpose of my blog. I always get such support and tons of prayers. But the one thing I never wanted was a pity blog. The odd thing is, when I started my blog I did it to make it about everyday life vs a medical blog. Then I got sick ..well not sick...I hate the words I am sick..How about I found out I had cancer. Well you know what I mean. Anyways..back to my thoughts..I just never want my blog to be a pity poor Amy and her awful life.
Because in truth..I am so very blessed. My goodness...who can say their son has had 19 brain operations and a stroke and he is still here with us? I am also so very blessed that I found my lump and they found the other nodules during testing. And I am still here.
With that being said..I do feel frustrated every single day. I am not sure how I am suppose to deal with it. For example..am I trying to hard to fight the issues? Would it be easier to just give in to the OMG this stinks thoughts?
I want to be happy. I want to be content. I want I want I want...is that bad?
I guess I just feel like there is something wrong with ME when I have to try so hard to get through the days.I guess I just feel like maybe I am stuck...
Okay enough of this.
There are some GREAT things happening in our home. Tons of happiness. Smiles from our kids. Tons of laughter. Yet the hurt full things are the ones that are hurting me. I just need to say this..I worry every single minute of the day about Philip. I trust God. I pray daily. And I know I am suppose to hand it over to God. I try...I am...and yet I struggle with that also..
I have to admit..this week things would pop in my mind and I would think....I can use that for my Random Thoughts post. Then I would forget what they were. Maybe that is a good thing. Ha
Today I had a conversation with myself. And yes I do this pretty often . Today my conversation was about If I AM Crazy. I am dead serious when I share this with you. I spent a while today wondering if I am going crazy. The reason I THINK or THOUGHT I might be crazy is how I am feeling lately.
I have been feeling pretty darn discouraged about many things in my life. And yet the simplest things lately have been making me smile.
Yesterday I felt like nothing was going right and no matter how hard I tried I could not fix this or that. Then I took Cole outside to check on something and Cole looks up at me and I melted. He had some sunglasses on and looked so darn cute. I thought to myself..How very blessed I am.
I guess the truth is I have been pretty depressed. Then it turned into overwhelmed..then to anxiety. Some days I seem to have a mixture of all three. So I have been trying very hard to dig deep and just really count my blessings.
The truth is...I THINK it would be easier to just feel the "down" feelings . I think it would be easier to give into them . Because some days I get worn out reminding myself to count my blessings. Some days I think Things Are So Bad..Then I think They Could Be worse. Then I think..well they are bad enough. See why I think I might be crazy..It is a lot of going back and forth in my brain.
So I guess as you can see this is a Random Thought post. I guess I am saying that I am digging deep . If you look around there are blessings everywhere..I just gotta look for them and appreciate them.
Philip has a very important appt tomorrow at 10:00. I so hope that it goes well and there is some positive news from it. Please keep him in your thoughts tomorrow.
