You know the worse person to be at odds with? yourself. Cause either way you are in a bad way.
I am having a little lesson in this right now. The problem is I am not so sure why. Some days I wake up and think no matter what this is going to be a great day. And by the end of the day I am in a way. They say your heart is the most important thing to happiness. So I focus on my heart daily.
we have been so blessed this past month. Cole was very sick . He is home and doing well. He keeps us laughing daily. I felt sick with worry when he was so sick. I feel very thankful he is healing and doing so well.
Philip is at a standstill with his health. The only way to describe this is ...it breaks my heart . It hurts me to the core that my oldest son hurts daily . I find myself feeling that I need to accept he will get no better and pray he gets no worse. It makes me feel like I am giving up . But maybe I am protecting my heart. Maybe the hope I have felt followed by the hurt has just taught me to handle things this way. Maybe this is just a phase and tomorrow I will wake up expecting no less then a miracle for Philip.
I am now almost 20 months into treatment. That has taken a toll. I am very thankful to be alive.I prayed to be here for my children. I worried Cole would forget who I was if I did not win with this battle. I have been blessed. Yet I am frustrated with things.My first mapping of treatment has changed. Each test seemed to add a problem and a new "plan". What started out as one problem transformed into a more aggressive form. So we start again. I sorta have a love hate relationship with my meds. Blessed there are meds to help and yet Hate the meds that have changed me so much. And some days when I am thinking way too much I wonder if it the meds that have changed me vs the diagnosis vs the acceptance that I am walking around with some gosh awful illness. That is not the right words but do you get the message?
And with all this I just said I am not sad..or depressed..just frustrated. I love love love when people have the I will beat this, I will win, I am strong attitude ...I feel this also..just do not have the woo hoo behind it today.
I am going to work on being at peace today. Cause really that is the best medication of all.
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9 comments:
I am so sorry sweetie :(
I am praying that God will send you a Peace that only He can give!! I pray for health & blessings and for you just to feel his loving hand.
Much Love,
Daphne
Amy, all of your feelings are so normal and I am sure that any one of us who have or are going through what you are going through would think and feel much the same things. You are fighting a very long and hard battle and it would and does wear down even the strongest of warriors. You have had your baby very sick and I know you were so worried you would lose him and now he is better and gives you such joy. It wasn't long ago that Emily was so sick and you had that worry to endure. Then your first born is in pain and there is nothing you can do about it...you can not bear it for him, nor can you take it away...you say you feel frustrated...well if I was in your shoes I would be angry, mad and much more. You have traveled this rocky road full of ruts with such dignity and grace, you have leaned on the lord and you have offered up prayers continually and I know if it was me, I too would be at odds with myself.
I wish I had magic words to make you feel better, to give you the hope and belief that you need to make it through each day...All I know is this, "If God brings you to this, his grace can get you through this". God is the great healer, God knows all,he has counted every hair on our head and you are his blessed daughter...lean on him, read his word, read the Psalms and find strength is the praises of those who have gone before us, read Job learn from him and let God lead you to where he wants you to be.
Love you!
This is where God works - the times when we feel like we don't understand and we trust Him with our fragile hearts.
And HE is the one who gives peace - so that is is exactly what I am praying for you! Praying for the peace that supasses all understanding to be in your heart.
xo
Amy ..... my heart goes out to you in a big way. I remember Jeff saying to me "I'm putting my armor on and I'm going to fight this". He never said he was giving up. I would find him deep in thought at times and when I would ask him what he was thinking he'd just say "oh nothing". I truly think he put up a brave front for my sake but then again maybe he was just really at peace. I will never know for sure.
You have every right to have these mixed feelings and I truly think it is so normal. You have so much on your plate - Cole, Philip, yourself --- trying to keep a home, act normal, etc. You get the picture. I KNOW I would not be as strong as you --- keeping it all together.
Prayers continue and just put that suit of armor on. You can and will do this.
Hugs - Cheryl
I don't really know is the right thing to say, but will continue to keep you in my prayers. We know that "God works for the good of those who love Him" and I'm sure He will continue to show His love to you and your family.
Many blessings,
E x
Amy...my heart is with you. You are going through a hell of a lot. More than any one should ever have to go through.All you are dealing with, at the same time..I can't imagine.And through it all, you show grace and always see your blessings.Keep holding onto your strong faith. I pray for you and yours each day.Hugs
Lovely lady who does sooo very much to support others I have one thing to say to you...You are allowed to have a love/hate relationship with the meds, with the diagnosis, with the treatment, hell even with the doctors! Between your own pain and the pain of seeing your babies sick and in pain will take its toll on you. I think realistically with Phillip you are right in being glad he isn't getting worse, and just keeping the faith that he won't. That way when God does preform that miracle, you won't be expecting it! I think he likes surprising us when we aren't looking for it the most. Not to say that praying for a miracle isn't right. Man, I don't know what I am saying now. I got all tongue tied (or brain died out or something). But the point is, you have so many pulling for you, Phillip, and the whole family, and we will be there as long as you need us. Even at 2 in the morning. LOL
I cannot imagine what you must feel on a daily basis. Your plate is so full. I am praying for your family. *hugs*
I am so hoping that you are doing better and will post soon!! I am your swap partner and would love a little "these are a few of my favorite things" post-email. Praying for peace and strength for you today! {and i wish you had been the one on the hill with us yesterday... did it again today without my Daph... UGH!!}
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