Skinny Dip? Help Philip and Spoil yourself...http://ourdailyblessinglife-amyb.blogspot.com/2010/04/why-skinny-dip.html
Lately I seem to have a lot of RANDOM thoughts pop in my mind. Sometimes they pop in as fast and they are gone. other time they make me lay awake at night and think about them....and sometimes they make me wanna start drinking. Ha
A few things that I thought about this week.
I have been trying to figure out what I am suppose to be doing. I really have no idea. Some days I feel like I am doing okay or even pretty good. And then in a flash I feel like things are falling apart. I never thought things would be so complicated and UNSETTLED in our lives. But that thought makes me feel a few things. Guilty because I KNOW how very blessed we are in so many ways. There are so many parents who would give anything to have their babies home with them like we do Philip. And yet I hurt over how things have turned out. I had so many dreams and hopes for Philip. I think back to the first time I saw his little heart beating..It was a dream come true. When he was born I feel in love . I am so very happy we did not know he was sick for the first 2 weeks. And I guess I am glad we did not know when this all started that he would still be so sick and hurting this many years later. Somehow when you are just thrown into the situation time after time...you just do it. But if we had known..we would of dreaded it and never had the hope that we did. Then again..when you have hope and it is crushed time and time again..that hurts. Maybe it is like a band aide. You know it needs to come off...does it hurt more to do a little at a time or one big rip it off...See these are some of my random thoughts..The truth is..does it matter anymore? It is what it is. And thank goodness God makes those decisions..cause I can not seem to pick out what shirt to wear most days.
It just seems like the little things sting the most. Simple things. Today my neighbor mention graduation in a few weeks. She said how sad she was that his high school days were over. All I could think is...I am so sad that Philip is not getting a education right now.
Please know I so NOT always dwell on the what we are not doing or how hard things are...Just my random thoughts of the day.
I just so need to feel like I am doing something right with Philip. Something to help him. That we are moving forward. Maybe if he would let me rock him ..I am joking...sorta..No I am..but I bet many of you mommies know what I am feeling.
So how about this Random thought stuff..could be sorta good. Like free therapy .
Thank everyone who still comes and reads my blog..even when it is a downer. I feel your support and some days..It is what keeps me going. That and praying.
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9 comments:
I do read everything. I am so sorry for everything that you have had to go through, you and the family are in my prayers... Big hugs.. Heather
I have random thoughts all the time and I do not have any of the things going on in my life like you do. I think you are totally normal to think these things..I would think you would think "what ifs" and "maybe we should of" or "I wonder if I would have" We all have those thoughts about things that happen in our life I say it is normal.
I just want you to know that you are doing everything you can for Philip and that he knows that too. You are a wonderful mommy and I would want to rock him too, if I was you.
The love you give him everyday is more than some people get in a lifetime....you are doing something very-very big!
Blog therapy is the best!
Love you, Amy. Hope things get better for you and for Philip.
When Jeff was going through radiation they had a shrink there to counsel the patient and/or family members. I remember making an appointment with the guy one day and pretty much told him how I was feeling (very very similar to your post). He said it's called "anticipatory grief". It's the hardest grief to handle.
I almost felt like I'd accomplish one thing in Jeff's treatment/life (putting a bandage on) and then a long would come an event that would rip that bandage off as well as the scab that was healing and it would be an open wound again.
It's hard to put in words but I get what you are talking about. I truly think it's God's work putting these "random thoughts" into your brain.
Now I look back and remember what I was thinking about during that year and how I didn't go insane is beyond me. One day up - one day down - one day the scab is healing - one day it is ripped off.
Hugs - Cheryl
Amy~
I know TV shows are an unrealistic portrayal of real life, but I had know idea to what extent until the other night. I couldn't sleep, so was up watching a Cosby Show marathon....which lead me to think of Family Ties, Growing Pains, etc. Those are what I grew up on and even if I knew people said life was not like that, I still thought I would have some degree of that life.
You have been living in this altered world for far longer than I, but I find it interesting that WE have to watch our children suffer, suffer, suffer and keep going day in and day out. I do however think that we live in a secret society. At least I feel I am in one. From the outside looking in, people may be thinking to themselves, "that sucks" or "I'm glad I am not them." but one the inside, I feel so much more appreciative and wiser beyond anything I ever imagined. Would I trade all this "wisdom" for Aviana to be better, in a heartbeat, any day of the week, but that is not an option! So, I will take my crazy appreciation and run with it!
You are doing an amazing job, you are doing everything right. The love you have for Philip spills all over the page with every blog post. If you can do that here, I cannot even imagine what you do in his presence.
I often look at Aviana and think this is a terrible life for her. No walking, talking, eating, etc. (yet) Part of me thinks though, there are so many people out there who can walk, talk, eat and have had terrible upbringings, surrounded in yelling, screaming, abuse, etc. Philip and Avi are not lucky by any means in the hand they have been dealt. But, boy are they loved and prayed for until everyone is blue in the face! That is so amazing in itself. They are such inspirations!
I know I am not telling you anything new and I know that sometimes I just want to thrown my hands up and beat the keyboard in frustration. I am just wanting you to know I am always thinking of you and your family. Always praying for you all.
Please, please, please don't ever apologize for being a downer or dwelling. These are your true feelings and you are entitled to EVERY one of them. As often as you want!!!!!!
Blogs that paint a beautiful picture make me want to gauge my eyeballs out with forks. Those blogs are not helping anyone!! There is an awesome MLK Jr. quote I am going to use on my blog....I am a little hesitant b/c what he was saying it for was so much more weighty, but it applies to people and everyday life.
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter."
Thank you so much for thinking of me! I went out to the mail this morning and discovered my candle (s) You are tooooooo sweet to send them both to me! Thank you so much! The raspberry one brought back so many memories when I smelled it. It reminded me of my "Strawberry Shortcake" set when I was a kid. I think Huckleberry Fin smelled like that, maybe it was another one. Was there a Raspberry Tart? I didn't have that one, but I can't imagine a boy smelling like that....who knows :o)
I have it burning right as I type!
Thank you so very much. You are such a sweet person!
Take care of yourself!
Love,
Jen
Amy~
I forgot to tell you, I get blindsided by all of the little things too! I don't know what it is about them, but they always seem to knock me to my knees.
Is it because we prepare ourselves for the big land mines and the small things are unexpected little daggers? I don't know.
Did I tell you, I think you are amazing :o)
Jen
I just poured some candle on my hands and Kama can't stop following me and nudging my hands toward her nose!!!! Kama gives it the two paw approval :o)
Hi Amy! I had to be anonymous since I always have a hard time logging into blogs.
I have lots of random thoughts too...I think it goes with the mommy job.
I think Philip should let you rock him...and you can tell him I said that! The crazy CA lady gets crazier!! LOL!!!
As always....you both are in my thoughts and prayers...always!!
Nanci
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