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Just a Real Hard Night..
I heard Philip crying in the bathroom tonight. He came out and my heart just broke. His lip was shaking and he was in so much pain he could not control himself. I sat down and talked with him. He is just broken. Physically and emotionally . Listening to my son tonight made my heart break. He is so discouraged with his life.
The hardest thing was trying to find a balance tonight with...It is going to be okay..when I am not sure it will be. To I know how hard things are...to we have to be thankful for what we have. Wanna know something...I wanted to just put my hands over my head and scream and cry. I do not know what to say..I do not know what to do..and I feel like a failure as a mom.
The truth is...NO matter how much I pray..and depend on God..this hurts..deep hurt. He is hurt. I am hurt. Our whole family is hurting. And I know just because we have faith in God does not mean it makes it any easier...it just means we are not alone. Yet tonight I feel alone.
I want my sweet son to be well. I want to go back in time and try to make some change to something that happened to make this better. I want to see a light in his eyes...I want I want I want so much more for my son.
I just can not believe that things have gotten so out of control for Philip. It seems that we went from a simple brain operation to another to 17 more .strokes on one side..weakness on the other....How did this all happen? No shunts to one to two shunts to three..and then pain pumps ...my goodness..I never would of thought this would happen to my son. I never let myself really think about the fact..this all started with the mass in the brain stem that we went in and removed..and here we are with it back..and in a place that last time they attempted to get there he had a stroke. The following time the Dr could not even get to it. I feel like we are waiting on a ticking time bomb. That mass is in a place that the Dr said is the most dangerous part of his brain..so many blood vessels ...he would bleed out. I think his words were damned if we do and damned if we don't.
I know it could be worse..but tonight it feels pretty awful.
So I listened..I told him I was here..I told him I cared...and I told him that I know it is so hard but to please try to focus on the fact he is blessed..and then I gave him a very strong pain pill..that will work with his pain pump and night meds..and I so hope he sleeps.
And now it is 1 am and I feel like my heart is broken..It just seems that everything hut pretty darn hard tonight.
Somehow I have to try to make this better for Philip and our family. I keep praying and I know God is listening. I just have this incredible scared feeling.
23 comments:
"Hold your head high, stick your chest out. You can make it.
It gets dark sometimes, but morning comes.
Keep hope alive."
-Jesse Jackson
My prayers, hope, thoughts and love are with you and Philip and the entire family.
Huge hugs,
Krissy
God Bless you!
I am so sorry. Please know that I care and that I am praying for you. ((HUGS))
Oh dear sweet Amy I cannot even imagine...I really got a check when you put this in that scenario. I ache when my kids are sick when just a simple tummy bug or cold bug! Poor Philip, I have prayed for him and you and I will continue to.
And please know that you are a GREAT mom!! You did not cause this and you are what helps him when he's scared!
{{{HUGS & PRAYERS}}}
My dear Amy:
All I can say is in reading your recent post - the memories of what Jeff (and I) endured in 2008/2009 came rushing back - flooding my brain. The circumstances were different but the symptoms, brain mass, pain, pleading/praying with God, crying, feeling hopeless/helpless are identical.
Please please do not think you failed as a Mom - that would be like me saying I failed as a wife and I don't believe that for one moment.
I remember Jeff saying to me "cheryl this is so tragic it's hard for me not to cry".
My prayers continue for you all .... try to get some rest and know you are not alone.
Cheryl
I'm not going to pretend I know what you are going through. My heart is breaking right along with yours. I am so sorry you are feeling this way and I am sorry Philip is so sick. I wish God could hear your prayers and create a miracle for your family. I know He hears you. I just wish He would do something now until waiting for the right time. I wish I could hug you and tell you things were going to be fine. I will pray for you and your family like I always do.
Thinking of you always.
Kami
I don't know why either, but this situation is so flippen' hard to understand! I wish I could make things better for you, I really really do. I'll pray a little harder. You're not alone!!
Amy, I'm so sorry. I hate that you are watching your son struggle and suffer. I'm praying.
*hugs*
{{Amy}} I can not imagine being in your place. But the truth of the matter is "you" can not do anything for Philip..."you" can not fix him, "you" can not make God heal him, "you" are not in control of this. What you did last night, listen, hold and love is what "you" can do. Letting go and letting God take care of things is coming the realization that "you" are not in control and "you" are never going to be in control. I watch you beat yourself up over and over and what has happened and what is happening to Philip is not "your" fault. You have loved Philip unconditionally and that is what a good mother does and you have been so much more than a good mother. Honey you have to let this go, I know that sounds horrible and mean, but you are sick too, you have to take care of yourself also, this really is in God's hands, he is the one in control, he always has been in control and sometimes he does not answer our prayers in the way we want, and sometimes he just wants us to surrender to him. I am so sorry you and Philip are having such a hard time, I know we all wish there is something more we could do to help you and your family. My prayers for you and your family never cease, but God keeps telling me "Let Go and Let God" Praying for peace for both you and Philip.
My heart hurts for you, as i have a son who is almost 15, daughter 12 & another daughter 7. As they grow older you realize how time flys-your little boy who use to run to you after preschool or watch Arthur with you, would rather be with his friends,or playing a video game. But I try to remind myself each day counts, You just never know what Gods plan is, So make each day special,& create happy memories. I'll Pray for you & him, Miracles happen daily, God doesn't give you what you can't handle (as i have been told) So you must be a Strong,Loving Woman- I wish you & your family All The Best..
Im sure your blog Diary- helps so many in your same situation,so you never know how your honesty,words,pic's will help someone out there..
Karryann (Gracefully Vintage)
Amy - I am so sorry for what you are all going through. It's not fair - I admire your strength.
Praying for you friend...I also posted about this on my blog in the hopes that MANY others will pray for you and Philip too :)
Hang in there!
Amy I am so sorry that Phillip is hurting so bad. Being in pain ourselves isnt nearly as bad as watching our children in pain. I think you are doing everything you can. You are leaning on the Lord. Thats all you can do....and never EVER forget that HE is with all of you. I hope that Phillip finds some relief in the meds and that you find some comfort from the Lord. God Bless all of you!
I am thinking about you guys! I have no words just lots of warm thoughts!
Shelly
I do not know you, but in finding your blog through Lianna's, I just wanted to let you know I was praying for you and your heartache and especially for your sweet son.
I have a completely different situation, yet the same words you wrote, I also wrote--I want. Oh, how I want.
This morning we talked about the 23rd Psalm and how because the Lord is our Shepard, we shall not want.
But we do. And that's confusing and painful.
I'm so, so, sorry for you and pray for peace for you.
Came over from Liana's blog...oh how I can't imagine what you are going through. May God Himself wrap His arms around you and hold your family tight.
I am so sorry tat this is your trial in life. I wish you could kiss your son better like you do when they are little and scrape their knees. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
I just wanted to stop by and let you know that I'm your swap partner for the spring swap.
I will pray for your son. I just came past your blog from another site and my heart breaks for you. Miracles do happen, keep believing. You're an amazing and strong person as is your son. I admire the both of you for your strength and courage.
http://three-seventeen.blogspot.com/2010/03/can-we-just-go-to-sleep-and-restart-day.html
*tears*
Hang in there. I don't know what your future holds and I can't evewn imagine the pain you and your family are experiencing. Just know that I think you are incredible and that you are NEVER ALONE! You're in my thoughts and prayers.
I can not even begin to imagine your pain. I will keep your family in prayer. I admire your strength, I can't imagine, as a mother, what you go through. Love and prayers to you and your family.
It's not easy my dear friend, is it? My heart breaks for you all too. Praying non-stop for Philip and his heart. Praying non-stop for his fantastic mom -- I know you hurt and you have scared feelings. I pray that while you know you aren't alone, you FEEL you aren't alone during this time. Hugs, Prayers and Believing... always.
I don't blame you for having every one of those feelings...I can't imagine the helplessness that you experience. I'm so sorry that he continues to suffer and I wish so much that there was a solution. I don't understand things sometimes...I don't understand what the purpose is. I just know that God is able to turn things around and I pray that he will do so for Phillip, you, and your whole family. We are all at His mercy. Hugs and prayers for you all.
Come on over to my blog tomorrow morning and enter to win something. I don't expect a lot of entries so the chances are pretty good. :)
<3
Kelli
I think of you often thoughts and prayers and hugs
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