Wanna know a little secret? When I post a bunch with pictures and little cute updates I "think" it is because I am having a hard time. I bet a few of you are saying..DUH ...we knew that...
I hate the idea that my blog depresses people...actually I hate that my life depresses people. I mean ...it is life..And in so many ways...our story is not depressing it is amazing..let me explain.
How many children do you know who have had 19 brain operations , a stroke...20 plus painful secondary operations and are still here to bless his family daily? I dare say there are many families who would call this a blessing...We do.
As for my cancer. I remind myself every single day that it was by the grace of God I felt the mass in my neck. It is by the Grace of God that I happen to have some routine blood work done that showed some abnormal labs. It is also such a blessing that when they did the scan on my neck they happen to see the nodules on my lungs...If the two masses has been in my stomach or someplace else..I would not of found them..and well..it could be a different outcome. So once again..a blessing.
Cole getting sick..yes that was scary and hard. It is something that happens. We are so very blessed he is doing so well. In fact he is just too cute for his own good..
And while these are blessings...and I am thankful. I have to say I feel like things are falling apart. I have been doing some thinking..
I have severe anxiety. I worry about things that make no difference. I believe in prayer. I trust God to take care of us. And yet I worry non stop. What does that mean? Does it mean I do not trust him enough? Does it mean I am crazy?
I feel overwhelmed with the littlest things...the act of making dinner seems like running a marathon. And while I know I have a "reason" it is still a issue. I want to feel in control. I make a plan to get in control..and then I am too worn down to follow through. In many ways the guilt of the changes here at home..are harder then being sick. I guess I feel like my life has so changed..and yet my role as a mom..and a wife...have not. Is there a balance?
I think Jim may lose his job. Everyday I find myself holding my breathe when I drive up from a appt worried his van will be here. And I mean really holding my breathe. I keep praying...and yet I keep worrying..Once again I have to ask..does that mean my faith is weak? I thought about not putting that on here..because in the past certain things I put here have gotten back to family. The funny thing about that is the very people reporting those things..are the same people who have not once picked up the phone or said I am sorry you are sick. I guess it is a tad funny to so pretend to be so caring and yet read here to get the details. ( okay that felt good..bad I know but true)
I thought about Fly Lady..to help me with the house. It makes sense...and I think it would help. Baby steps.
I am going to dive into the world of coupons to help with the money issues.
I am going to push selling my skinny dip products to help with the medical bills..
I am going to keep praying to help my heart..and my fears..
I am going to keep reminding myself we are blessed...and as long as we have each other...we will be okay..I hope my head and heart will listen..
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13 comments:
You're in the palm of His hand, the very best place for you to be. He has you, so let Him keep you. I'm praying for you!
Love ya,
Lisa
There's a difference beween having "head knowledge" and "heart knowledge".
I'm sorry you are having a hard time. But don't hid from us! We would rather you be honest with how you are doing and feeling than being fake happy on your blog. =) Hang in there.
Can I just say, even though I don't normally like reading constant sad things, I feel drawned to your blog because I really and honestly admire you. I admire you for being so thankful for those blessings and God more than likely gave you the hard things so you could appreciate the good things more. And the more I read about people like that, the more I wish I didn't take things for granted, the more I wish I didn't get angry with people who are clearly a blessing.
And of course I am still praying for some better times for you folks this year... maybe it won't be obvious or anything, but I just know God does love you and will bless you.
Finally don't forget that one day, if you all trust in Him, your family will be together with Him with no more pain or suffering. Live for now though, even though it's hard.
I've rambled on long enough I think- praying for you all as much as I can,
love Emma
I dont have any words of wisdom BUT I do want you to know you and your BEAUTIFUL family are in my thoughts and prayers daily! Keep your chin up pretty lady!!!
{{{Big Hug}}} I think it is completely normal to pray about things but still worry about them...how could/can you not? I think it has nothing at to do with loving God enough or trusting him enough it is just human nature. Of course you want to be in control, I think it is because there is so much of your life that you do not have control of....but being aware of it, is a very healthy thing and I know you will find a way to get back the control you need to feel better about everything.
I have to say that I don't find you depressing at all. There is so much more to you and your family than illness and hurt. I so admire how your family weathers each storm. It is so evident in the way that you talk about your children, husband, sister, everyone - that you are amazing and strong. I so admire you - and your strength and faith.
Love you Lady!!
You know I was told a very similar thing by a friend who's son was severely injured by a horse over a year ago and had his skull shattered, then her husband was in a lawn mower explosion and burned very badly very life threatening, then about the time he was released from the hospital she was diagnosed with Breast Cancer....I was so sad for her and she told me "I feel very blessed because even with all of this we have all lived and that is a blessing in itself"!! WOW talk about amazement!
The worry is so natural, for some worse than others...I too suffer the same feelings, but I don't think it's a lack of faith it's an overly strong human nature...I have just started reading a book my Max Lucado called "Fearless", I was told it is awesome! Have you read it?! Maybe I will send it to you when I'm done if your interested??
Prayers for you friend...
Sweetheart, you can only do what you can do. You can only be what God wants you to be.
Do not be concerned with what others feel about what they read on your blog. This is your space to verbalize what you feel, what you're thinking, what you need to share. If they don't like it then they can move on. I love hearing about what is going on. That's what friends are for. We are here no matter what is going on, good or bad.
I love what you write, I love hearing about your blessings, I love being here when you need to get it all off your chest. Don't change who you are or what you write about.
Love ya!!! ♥
I come here because I believe in you. You are real! I know that everyone needs to vent. YOU are one of the strongest people I know. If someone doesn't like it...tell them to stop reading. :D
Amy,
I wish I could help you. I think a lot of your issues happen to a lot of women because of hormones. I know that a lot of the feelings you are having, I have had myself at times. Add to that, all the health issues, job worries, etc. and it just magnifies everything.
Now, a little information about the Fly Lady. I graduated with her. Email me. I've got the scoop.
Ok Amy dear here it is! You are not needy I swear we go thru this every so many months lol.......Now you are a good mom, wife, and person! As far as being lucky yes you are in so many ways!!! Don't ever secound guess things speciall that surrounds God. I sometimes carry a huge bundle on my shoulders, so I do know what you are feeling. Yesterday we had 2' yes that is 2 foot of snow and the last time we had that Ryan was 3 and it was Travis first snowfall. It was a bit of a struggle with emotions yesterday but I think of you and so many others that are so strong. I held my head high and put on one of their winter hats and off I went. It just puts a weight on the heart strings for alittle. I don't know why I just shared that unless I wanted to show that we struggle all differently and you will do alright. I still hold you and your family in prayer!!! Now you take care and enjoy life!!!
Love ya girl and sure do miss our chats!
Hugs,
Tracy
Sweet Amy...I love that you share your heart..remember that deal we made,about the true and honest answers not the sugar coated standard I'm fine stuff? Well, I do.Don't ever change..I love that you keep it real.Friends are there for each other, no matter what's going on.You and your family are amazing.I find such inspiration in you. I have learned so much in the time I've gotten to know you, about seeing blessings through the obstacles,and being thankful for each day. You are dealing with lots of very tough issues in your life..try not to be so hard on yourself..you are doing the best you can, and God is with you. Hang onto that strong faith and hope..I will keep praying for you all, God Bless
Your faith is not weak, my friend.
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