Some harsh thoughts..

I have not posted much lately because to be honest...I have been in a bad way. Not your normal bad few days but a period of sorta freaking out.

I have tried to talk myself out of it...I have tried to count my blessings...I have tried to shame myself into getting over this...and yet here I am ...a day of crying and just pure anxiety. Why? I am not sure I even know...

I guess one thing was..Last year I just KNEW that I would make 2009 Christmas wonderful, magical and everything it was not last year. And I can honestly say I have never felt so set up for failure..and know what..It worked..I failed. I can look back and say with my head..you did the best you could...but my heart feels like I did not meet my expectations. And the funny thing is..my expectations were not reasonable.. Christmas is about baby Jesus..not magical memories. I know that...I do..I just need to remind myself of that...

I guess what I wanted was...no cancer..no worries..Philip to wake up happy and cured...and well...me 125 pounds..( okay..lol)

We were so blessed at Christmas. Some very special friends ( you know who you are...) blessed Philip with a kindle. He is so excited and has been looking at the amazon website all week. When he does start some school classes he can download the help books on Kindle.

Spirit Jump so blessed Philip...They won a small notebook and gifted it to Philip. Meaghan is such a wonderful friend and a amazing lady.

So that leads me to tonight...Is it a set up? Cause I have been a mess. I just can not seem to forget just what hard year this has been. And the poor pitiful me can not seem to think tomorrow I am waking up in the same FUNK we have been in this past year. Philip is no better..in fact he is worse...I am still doing treatment and in fact have so many test these next two weeks it is not even funny...and this new year will be without my beautiful nephew. Is it me..or has this been one heck of a hard year?

I think Cole saying to me..you are always at the DR appt instead of with me..Kind of summed up my feelings. I feel like I am not 100% in any area of my life...and in so many areas I am half doing everything.

So I came to you with all of this because I need something...can you please pray for me to work myself out of this awful cycle of depression and anxiety. I sorta feel like I am going crazy. I know that sounds funny but it is sad.

I have been reminding myself non stop that I am blessed..I am alive and I am here ..I have four wonderful children. Philip is alive and here ...I am blessed. and yet I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders..and It could all fall apart in a matter of seconds.

I am praying hard...I am asking god to help calm my worries and fears..

I think that when this new year stuff is over..maybe I will feel better. All this focus on the past year and looking at a new year has got me all ...sad, stressed, mad, hurt , worried and the list goes on. And yet I tell myself I am setting myself up to what or how things SHOULD be...

I want to be thankful and happy and positive for the new year...and yet my heart is hurting and worried. I think I have really just hit a very hard place and am trying to find my way out of it. And it seems that there is more pressure to do that because in a few hours it is a new year...


Is anyone else feeling this way...

Watch and Then Surpise Your Lil One...

http://portablenorthpole.tv/watch/efe339f8fe86463bd6281c8136c7c6f2

The Sweet Santa Pic and Story..

Okay first I just have to say..Oh my goodness..isn't he so darn cute.

And I love him way too much....

He is such a blessing...

I wish you all could of been there to hear the conversation..

Santa..Hello young man..what would you like for Christmas?

Cole..Hey Santa...who is she and why is she here..

Me...Cole that is Mrs. Claus..she is here to see all the children.

Cole..Oh ok.

Santa ..so Cole what do you want Santa to bring you..

Cole...well Santa what I want is at Toys R us on isle three on the top shelf...


Santa...Thank you Cole..you made that very easy for me.


Cole...your welcome Santa. I saw it on TV and it said it was ONLY at Toys R Us ..which means your elves will not be able to make it.


Santa..Hahaha


Cole...I really like your belt...I wish I had one like it..



Santa..I like your shirt...


Cole then shows Santa how long the sleeves are if you stretch them.

The end.

Have I got a deal for you..

I really need to sell some of my skinny dip stock.. I will mail these two day priority and if you want to send as gifts I can send with a gift card..

email me..amyb1569@cfl.rr.com

I have one candy cane pamper pack left ...

Buy two get one free..

Buy three get two free...

Mix and Match..candles

Candy Cane.- Delicious sweet peppermint from natural essential oils.
Cranberry Citrus..The sumptuous scent of cranberry blended with tangy citrus
Frankincense and Myrrh..Earthy, exotic, and exquisite. The scents brought by the Wise Men as gifts for Baby Jesus.

Redwood Cedar.. A smooth earthy scent that exquisitely blends two popular woods

Spiced Pumpkin..Back by popular demand. A delectable spa inspired pumpkin scent that's perfect for fall!

Such A Sweet Suprise...

A few weeks ago I got Don twitter. I did not recognize the name...and figured it was SPAM. I could not of been any more wrong.

If I ever thought that people I do not know care...and care alot about myself and my family..The DM taught me a lesson.

As I sat in a very stressful DR appt waiting to be seen..I opened up the DM and read the sweet words...

Shellie said she was a reader and had done something special in honor of Jackson. She sent me the links and while I thought they were sweet and cute..I had no idea until they showed up. She hand stitched the bib...and it looks just like his bib..wow.

Shellie...made one with a cute bear outfit on..and the other he has the bib I gave him...in the same colors with the exact words..I Love My Aunt..

When I found out about the detail she put into making it all just right...It brought me to tears...I called her and told her...she just blessed my heart with these sweet bears. She made then by hand and took so much time to do the extra special touches. Poor Shelli..I cried the whole conversation..and she just listened.

So I get the package and was just so surprised..the bears are just so sweet. She sent two DVD"s for Cole and inside there was a gift card for Walamrt. I was blown away..

The idea that she took the time to make these...and send them and the sweet surprises...well it touched me in a way..I can not explain.

You know this year has been rough...really rough..If you had told me a few months ago that we would be having Christmas with out of precious Jackson..I would not of believed it...and yet here we are...missing him so much...it breaks our hearts.

So many have rallied around our family this year. We are blessed beyond belief..God is good and each of you have shown us so much love. Thank you so much.

Shellie..I cherish the gift... But even more..I just want you to know..you blessed me with a new friendship..Thank you so much. Each year when we take them out I will remember your kindness...

Hurry..Great Deal

I am ready to ship no later then Saturday ..two day mail...

If you would like me to mail to someone as a gift..I send a gift card ..

Now is the time..Skinny Dip Candles...

Pamper packs $29.00 ( full candle, lip balm and bath salts)
Candy Cane
Cucumber Melon
Feeling Flirty

Skinny Dip Candles $13 each plus $8 shipping as many as you order...

Feeling Flirty
Mango Papaya
Seduction
Cucumber Melon..THESE have SJ label also.
so sexy for him
Feeling Flirty


Candles..Scents Below
Buy three..get one free..$49
Buy five...get two free..$75

Pamper packs $29.00 ( full candle, lip balm and bath salts)
Candy Cane
Cucumber Melon
Feeling Flirty


Mix and Match..candles

Candy Cane.- Delicious sweet peppermint from natural essential oils.
Cranberry Citrus..The sumptuous scent of cranberry blended with tangy citrus
Frankincense and Myrrh..Earthy, exotic, and exquisite. The scents brought by the Wise Men as gifts for Baby Jesus.

Redwood Cedar.. A smooth earthy scent that exquisitely blends two popular woods

Spiced Pumpkin..Back by popular demand. A delectable spa inspired pumpkin scent that's perfect for fall!

Christmas Special Giveaway...

I had a very special friend give me one of these last year. I love it and it is a very special part of our Christmas and Decorating our tree..

I want to offer this as a giveaway to one of my readers. It is simple..
Certain to become a tree-trimming tradition, this 8" steel nail with red ribbon hanger serves as a moving reminder that the first Christ-tree was a cross. Includes the story of the Christmas nail. Gift boxed.

Each year it is the first item to hang on the tree - before any other ornament. It hangs close to the center of the tree where no one else can see it. It is a reminder to each of us as a family member that we celebrate not only the birth of Christ, but also remember that He lived a perfect life and died on a cross made from a tree to pay the price for our sins. Therefore, we can also celebrate the fact that He was resurrected and lives! Because it hangs close to the center, it also reminds us that Jesus is to be the center of our lives as well.

Following is the story of the Christmas Nail:

This is the Christmas Nail. It is to be hung on a sturdy branch, a branch near the trunk, a branch that will hold such a spike without being noticed by well-wishers dropping by to admire one's tinseled tree. The nail is know only to the home that hangs it. Understood only by the heart that knows its significance. It is hung with the thought:

The Christmas tree but foreshadows the Christ tree which only He could decorate for us, with nails such as this.

I will pick the winner this week and have it mailed out..two day delivery..To win just..

One..Just blog about this giveaway.
Two..Just tweet about this giveaway
Three..Tell me a story or event that your faith has gotten your through this past year. If you do not want to share it about yourself..share about someone you know...

Quick Post and Contest..

Here is a picture from Scan Day last week.
I posted this picture on Twitter with some cute message. I got quite a few funny comments.

Name the comment you think I got most..and whoever wins first..Gets a free Skinny Dip Candle..

Heck I may even through in a second Prize...

A Year Ago....And A Suprise..

Please take a minute to read these post from the past. They are from a year ago. So many of you are new over the lat year to my blog..These post will help you see where we were and how we got here.

Just getting started..
Medical news
Just the start of learning to balance between Philip and Myself ..with medical
First
Sec
Third

A year ago today I had no idea how much my life would change. I went into surgery very naive and not at all prepared.

Wanna hear something..I am still not prepared. I think I had this feeling IF there was something wrong..I would handle it with Grace and Strength and I would SHOW cancer who was in charge. I do believe Cancer has shown me..I never would of thought a year ago I would be sitting here home from my treatment thinking about my scans due this month.

Has Cancer Won? Heck no. I will fight as long and as hard as it takes to put this behind me and our family. But I will never forget the message this past year has taught me...

Trust, Faith, Hope and I would like to think some Grace.

Today my DH remembered that today was a year ago that he found out I had cancer. He remembered that our lives forever changed a year ago today. I did not know he even remembered that today was THE day...and yet he did.

I opened up the door and the man handed me these flowers...His sweet card says it all...

A year ago changed our lives forever. I want you to know that we will fight this together and I will always be there for you. You are the love of my life and I never want to lose you. I love you....Forever and a day...

Thank each of you for being here by my side for the last year. I never could imagine this battle without all of you. I am so very blessed .

Thank you Jim for remembering today. It means more to me then you know.

I would love for you all to comment and yes that means you who lurk...lol

Can you Help..Important.

Gosh he was so perfect. I woke up this morning with Jackson on my heart and mind. To say I miss him ..does not begin to cover it.

Lately the tears just flow at the oddest times...out of the blue. To be honest the pain I feel in my heart...is awful. I am looking forward to it being joy again when I think of our sweet Jackson.

I look at this picture I took and think..I wish I had held you a little longer and a little tighter..But then I think..I held him for five days..even when he slept..( my sister told me not to he would get spoiled...we just ignored her)...Jackson and I were good at doing our own thing..In fact Jackson and I were just GOOD together period.

This morning it hit me...and I need your help..

I would like to do something in honor of Jackson for the holidays. I am a little lost as to how to do it. So I wanted to ask you guys your thoughts...

I THINK I would like to find a family who is having some trouble with making Christmas good for their little boy and maybe give them a few gifts..Or maybe who has medical issues going on and needs to be uplifted.

Where I need your help is this...How would I find a family? I mean the items i have to donate I have already. It is nothing big or expensive.. Just a few things that were left over from Cole last year and we will not be using this year.

So do you know of a little boy..maybe in the hospital or a child who may not be getting a lot this year.

Or...

Are you a reader who would like to be blessed by my Jackson Joy offering..
I would love to offer this to someone I know who reads..( yes even if you are a lurker I "know" you..lol)

If you also have a lil girl I have a few cute things I can put in there..

Please email me..
amyb1569@cfl.rr.com

Also ...would you like to offer a child a gift in honor of Jackson...if you do..please let me know..I would LOVE to give my sister a card with the names of anyone who joins in.

Can someone help?

Awesome Giveaway

Please do NOT go and enter this great giveaway...

I mean who needs a touchscreen computer...

I DO..WE DO...ME ME ME ME..

Okay let me calm down...deep breathe...

Now let me say this more calm...

I WANT to win this giveaway. Got that?

Just some Wednesday stuff..

Philip had a really right day yesterday. He woke up not feeling well...and things went downhill fast. I am waiting on our plan of action and will let you all know what the Dr are thinking. I so hope they are thinking...we have a miracle for Philip. Maybe one day..maybe

I would like to ask for prayers today. It is test time...I knew it was coming. Saw the Dr last week and we went over everything that was due. Yet when they started calling with dates and times and preps...I sorta freaked. Jim came home and I was sitting on the bed just crying..He said what is wrong..and I said it is test time and they keep calling. If I were him I would of said..Okay..and.... But he didn't he listened. He heard that I was scared and tired . I swear the minute they started calling..my stomach felt like I had swallowed battery acid. Okay I have never really swallowed it..but I bet if I did it would make my stomach feel like it has been. Make sense?

So today I start with the cat scan of the chest. If you recall they found nodules on the left ( 2) and on the right(1) by accident when they scanned the mass in my neck before My operation. So that was a tad of a shock..They have been stubborn each scan still being on the scan ..not shrinking or going away..but not growing either.

I have a little confession. I decided that I just did not think today as the right day. So I called first thing to cancel. They put me on hold for 36 minutes and I got another call..so when I clicked back..I was disconnected. So I stomped my feet and threw my arms up in the air and said ..whatever I will go. I will fast and I will be medicated and I will GO. So I am going.

I wanted to share with you a few things. As a mom who has watched her child fight every single day since he was 6 weeks old and had his first brain operation. You sometimes have to distance yourself from all the bad and awful things that do and can happen. It just hurts too bad sometimes. Yet a few weeks ago I reached out to a mom who's child was in the hospital . Her child had some issues similar to Philip's with damage to the brain stem and it could not be controlled. Evey day I would open my mail and take a deep breathe when I read the update. She passed away yesterday. As her mom said..she is now in the arms of Jesus. This mother showed so much grace and love sharing her sweet daughter with all of us. Please pray for them . Their hearts are broken but their faith is strong.

Thank each and every one of you for being here with us this past year. There are days where I feel like your support and prayers were the best medicine ...

We are so very blessed...By each of you.

If I only have so many words..

I always joke with my husband that if we only have a certain amount of words to say in this world before we die my days are numbered....This is because I do is seem to talk and no one listen or repeat myself to him or the kids..

Jim has gotten so cute lately..or well annoying...If I am going on and on..he will say as serious as can ge..Just want to tell you know...you are borrowing from tomorrow words..LOL..he is bad..

So last night I was trying to explain something to him as he was falling asleep..he was not getting it..because he was not listening..he just acted like he was..Ha. I bet you ladies know what I am talking about..huh?

So this morning I email him the details and this is the emails back...I think he is trying to be cute..Ya think?

So he emails me about my appt time and what time we should get there. And he says ..now that he sees the info in his email that what we were talking about last night "makes sense"

So I emailed him back and said..Jimmy you were not listening to me last night and were being short..you were falling asleep when I was talking to you.

Here is his response..He has such a way about him..makes me laugh..

Maybe you should work on that too. You were not the only one getting "short" last night. You were explaining that stuff to me late And was falling asleep. It is ok, I forgive you. See how keeping our feelings open is so much better. You are not always wrong but I noticed that when you are running out of words for the day you sometimes get short. I know it is hard having that limit but it will improve your health tremendously. Not having the stress of counting words as all.
I love you very much see you in a little while. Use all the words you want this morning.

Is It Really Monday?

Can someone come here and tell me it is not really Monday. Where the heck did the weekend go?


Okay can we talk some football? I mean this was a awesome great football weekend..

I need to fess up to some awful behavior on my part..I happen to mention that I had one wish for Santa...and that was Tebow had a cast on his throwing arm and it was crimson colored. Now ...I know...I know...I really know..that is awful . Did I want him hurt? NO...I just wanted him in a awesome colored cast...Ummm...okay that will not work..So for a split sec I got carried away..and said that I wanted him hurt. Tim Tebow..I am sorry...I am glad we beat you..( oops..that was not meant to come out..) I am sorry I said such a awful thing..

I felt bad when he was crying..My DH looked like he won the lottery with Tebow in tears...I just wanted to hold Tim Tebow close and tell him..Yes I know..Bama wooped your butt..but it will be okay...( oops there it happen again..my thoughts are being posted)

Nah...as much as I dislike the Gators..Tim Tebow is a class act . He is a wonderful role model and a nice handsome Christian young man. I would love for him to play for the Miami Dolphins one day.

I really do feel bad that I said that. And not that I can excuse my rude behavior..but I live in Gator Hell and I hear about it daily.. Rude ...smack talkers....Oh except for some reason Sunday when I had my shirt on...and when we went to pick up my meds...Not one rude comment on my shirt or car tag or cell cover...Life is good in Gator Land..

Now I just want to tell all my Texas friends..we are on our way...watch out..

Roll Tide Baby...


Please know no gators were hurt in this post..just put in their place..

Wordless Wednesday

I love you Jackson...Always my beautiful nephew.
Aunt Amy