Philip Update

Warning..This post has some pictures that may disturb some of you. I do not want to make anyone uncomfortable or let them get grossed out ( as Emily would say). This is how they added the meds to Philip to get it to his spine and brain. This is the incision area that is still healing from his recent operation. Needless to say things are just hard right now for Philip.

I guess the best way to start this is to just be blunt and say...I am not sure what to say. So I will just share what I can , the best I can. Things are just rough. In truth rough does not even begin to cover it. Things are sad and scary and hitting rock bottom. Now what do we do with that?

The answer to that is..I am not sure..and I do not know if anyone knows the answer. But if you all know me the way some of you I WILL do my best to find the answers. And I am not going to give up until I do. I think that is what we call Mother's Love.

Earlier this week I got a urgent call telling me Philip was very sick and in a lot of pain. The DR said the PA would meet us in the ER. Philip was in so much pain it was scary. I have never seen him so upset . Hard to see your first born son so desperate and in pain. Knwoing you can do nothing to fix this.

The PA was very caring and very attentive. He listened to the details of the nuero appt we had out of town with the new DR. He aggreed with what the DR suggested. He also spoke to me about some places for follow up care that Philip will be needing soon. As I mentioned before Sloan is at the top of the list .

So while we are waiting for some follow up care and plans..we had to make some changes to help him NOW. Philip can not live like he has been.

The Dr needed to add some new meds . The machine is in his stomach. So he had to have a procedure to add the meds. His morphine has already been raised by 10% and then 15%. This week it was raised by 50%. The new medication he had started two weeks ago was doubled by mouth.

There will be some conferences to decided what to do next. At the levels he is on by mouth it is very damaging to his liver and kidneys. The kidneys are a real concern because he has nuerogenic bladder and a history of emergecy opertauions to deal with this.

So now that I have said all that..I bet you may be asking...so what does this mean...Cause I sure am asking what now...

The plan is...the Dr will conference this week. They will decide what to do next and how the best way to deal with the medicine issue is. They want to change the meds in his pump. But that is a big issue with the insurance company. They only allow med changes every 90 days. Philip is at day 16. I was shocked to know how much the med change and meds cost. We may be able to have the meds changed at day 31 with us paying a large co payment to help with the cost. And we can send in a appeal. At this point whatever it takes.

So for now Philip is on a massive dose of his morphine going directly in his spine and brain. He is on Oxycontin and the double doses ( 8 pills of the muscle and pain meds). The goal is to give this plan 7 days and give DR a chance to conference and come up with a plan. And as of now the goal is day 31 to pay for the new med change.

I am now working on a plan to meet with the director of a research hopsital to see if they can offer any help. Details of that to follow this weekend. It is something BIG.

I hope some of this makes sense. It was hard for me to even understand it and I was there listening to every word they said.

I am asking for prayers for Philip. His pain level is very high and his spirits are very low. I love him so much and I just do not know what to do for him ...I hope he knows that I would do anything if I could...

We are blessed...

Do you have any idea how blessed our family is by all of you? Yesterday I woke up feeling some deep dread and very anxious. I had mentioned it on twitter and within a few literally seconds I had comments back some with prayers and verses some with sweet message of support.

A few hours later I got a frantic phone call that Philip was in severe pain and sick. After calls to the Dr office it was decided that the PA would meet us at the ER. I tweeted this information and once again within seconds I had messages of hope and encouragement. I had text messages and DM's. Amazing.

I am truly blessed by all of you. You always seem to know what to say and when. Yesterday I felt the support. I knew I was not alone . And it was so appreciated. I felt stronger knowing each of you were praying and thinking of us.


So Thank You for being on our team. Philip is so truly blessed in so many ways.

I am working on a medical post about Philip ..so please check back.

Online Party Next Week..

Next week.....Things are going to heat up here ...

There will be giveaways...I have some wonderful things to give away...I hope you all win.

There will be a online party....to benefit upcoming Philip medical cost.

There will be a online garage sale. My DH wants me to get rid of anything in the house that is not nailed down. Sooo.....I thought some of my goodies may be just what a few of you want or need...

So can I get a RSVP for you to come by next week to help support this online party? Yes that means all of my awesome lurkers..

Not Me Monday

My Daughter did NOT ask me to help her with a debate paper. She did NOT say to me...Mom is there really illegal aliens? When I said yes there is...she did NOT say where did they come from Mars or the Moon? Wow...it could be a LONG school year..huh?

Cole Tre cuddled up to me and said Mommy you smell so good. I said thank you sweetie. Then he did NOT say Mommy why does Reed smell like a butt. Well Cole..Reed is 16 and a boy and well they smell some days..yes like a butt..

Jimmy did NOT look in his closet and say did you do the laundry or pay someone to do it..Wow that was rude Jimmy. I did NOT tell him I did not pay someone to do it..someone helped me for free. Ha..

Speaking of my DH. Yesterday I started telling him something and as I got a few words into it he said yea yea yea...I said what are you doing. I am not done telling you the story. He did NOT as serious as can be say I was just trying to save you some words. Ummm....why? He did NOT say I just know you use a lot of words in a day...I am going to show him some words..smart butt.

The minute my daughter made Jr high cheerleading I did NOT think woo hoo I am a cheer mom and I need to buy some tuck in the butt jeans. Yes they make those..lol.

Blog News

I am sorry I have not been around lately. I have been dealing with some hard medical appts and some harder side effects from my meds and treatments. Philip has also been really struggling daily with so many issues. I will do a separate post with the details ....

I want to share some BLOG news. I am excited to share a few things with you.

I am going to be jumping back in with some wonderful new ideas...

First...I am going to be doing some awesome giveaway...I am excited about this. I think you all will enjoy what gifts I will be offering for my giveaways...Check back. These will be starting soon..Maybe even tonight..

Next...I have been offered the chance to do a great fundraiser for Philip's medical issues again. I am excited about this. It will be a online party. I will wait to share the details until I know about them...But I can not believe how blessed we are. Philip's medical bills and upcoming surgery and travel cost are far above what we can afford. This is a wonderful way to help our family and also enjoy a wonderful online party. I will let you know the details when I get them.

Also...I will be having a online garage sale...yes..you read that right...I have some things I am going to get rid of..and thought some of you might want them. The only thing I will require is you pay the shipping..and then you can have them or offer a price..simple. It will be a mixture of things..such as some cute as heck clothes size 6 and 8..some jewelry..some wii stuff..some ..well STUFF...lol....

Last and maybe most important. I will be doing a Thursday Prayer and Praises. Please Please Please..send me your list. amyb1569@cfl.rr.com

Let me know how each of you are doing...anyone miss me? Notice I was gone? Excited about the giveaway, party, garage sale? What is everyone doing this week?

Thankful Thursday..

Welcome to Thankful Thursday.

Thoughts about this picture

Prayers...

Krissy needs our prayers. She writes.

I just got confirmation today that I have a Staph infection. It's spreading fast. This is scary news especially as I had one around a year and a half ago that lasted for 13 months. I was really sick and was hospitalized twice. It looks like I now may have to be hospitalized around Tuesday unless somehow I miraculously get a bit better before then. I also start school a week from Monday and cannot afford to miss any days. I've been sick for too long and missed too many days and really wanted to start this year out right.
Please...pray that I get better fast...

Vickie needs our prayers. She write..

I have been praying for you and your family for a long time. I would like for you to pray for my husband he has been laid off since March but God has blessed and we have wanted for nothing. My prayers are with you always.

Readers brother needs our prayers..She writes.

I'm requesting you pray for my brother, Chris. He is recently unemployed. He has battled depression and drug problems in the past and has been leading a clean healthy life. He loved nothing more than to go to work and put in a 12 or 14 hour day. He has recently been laid off due to the economy and I am so worried about him. He needs to work to stay busy. Please pray for him to find a job quickly.

Keli..needs our prayers..She writes

Oh, I get to go first!!! It may seem silly and low on the list BUT I would like prayer for my son, Jacob. Pray for direction in what he wants to do with his life.

Please visit and pray for this auction for a wonderful family.

Please pray for Mel..

.she is at a time in her life where she needs to make certain decisions that may not be easy. I so want her to be happy. Please pray God shows her a clear path and her heart is open to hear it.

Patrice ask for prayers for a special little girl

Kate McCrae. She's a 5 yr old girl with a massive brain tumor, so her & her family definitely need prayers! Her site is prayforkate.com!

Please pray for Grace..

She is struggling in some major decisions she needs to make concerning her future. She has been laid off and hired back for 2 weeks and waiting to know if she will have a job next week. Please pray for a clear path for Grace. It has been a hard few weeks not knowing what will happen one day to the next.

Please pray for a sweet little boy Ezra.

He is fighting cancel and showing it who is boss. His mama is a special lady too..

Pray for my sweet crazy friend Sheli..

she tries to hide it but she is still healing form her back surgery.

Please pray for a little girl V, She has been through so much ...

Jenny AKA Tattooed Lady is in the hospital. She is such a strong awesome lady. Visit her blog and let's pray for her.

A sweet friend Lianna is having a wonderful giveaway. But not just any giveaway. She is doing a special giveaway to go towards the cost of treatments to help her become a mommy. And trust me this beautiful lady will make a wonderful mommy.

Please pray for Philip. He is struggling in so many areas..

Praises..

My special friend Shannon has two praises. This week marks seven months from her having her open heart surgery. She showed such strength physically and spiritually during this time period.

And on top of that her doggie had 8 puppies today.

And this week she finally shared a lil surprise..she is having a baby..Talk about blessings...

Sweet Abby..doing what little girls should be doing. I am so excited for her.

Spirit Jump is a awesome group that is a praise to so many people. Please stop by and support them .

Special Picture...What Do You See?

I have looked all week for a picture to go along with my Thankful Thursday post. I have found so many beautiful pictures. And then I found this one. Yes it is beautiful . But to me it is so much more. It yells a reminder to me. Let me share what I see and you all tell me what you think and what you see...

When I saw this picture I thought of two things..

One..Life is filled with curves...and while they may be hard..we know what is on the other side. God and his love and promises. Looking at this picture I see where the beach curves..and we can not see the other side...but we KNOW what is there...more beach and ocean. Just like we know that God is there around every curve ...

Second I see and love the foot prints. To me it shows a path walked. How many paths we all have walked. Some days I log on and I find that my path is hard and lonely. Other days I log on and I see others walking a path. This picture reminds me ..we all walk a path and we are never alone..

I am so thankful that he carries me on my harder days.

I was walking along the beach with my Lord.

Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life.For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand,one belonging to me and one to my Lord.

When the last scene of my life shot before me I looked back at the footprints in the sand.There was only one set of footprints.

I realized that this was at the lowest and saddest times of my life.This always bothered me and I questioned the Lord about my dilemma.

“Lord, you told me when I decided to follow You, You would walk and talk with me all the way .But I'm aware that during the most troublesome times of my life there is only one set of footprints.I just don't understand why, when I needed You most,You leave me.”

He whispered, “My precious child,I love you and will never leave you never, ever, during your trials and testings.When you saw only one set of footprints was then that I carried you.”

New Family Member..

I wish ya'll could of been here to see this...

I bring home this sweet tiny baby bird that was on the road. I called the bird wildlife place and they said when they are that young they do not really do well they need to be hand fed every hr or so...

Soooo...I decided what any mommy to 4 would do..bring the little sweet abandoned bird home ..and show the kids ...

Then I hear the front door open and it is Jim..all the kids jump and say..Oh Dad is going to kill you...lol.

So Jim comes in and says..why is everyone in one room? I say we are bonding...he says..okay what have ya'll done.

Cole says as loud as can be..Mommy brought home a birdie and we are hiding it from you Daddy...lol

So for now we are working with our vet friend and feeding the sweet baby bird who is eating a ton and seems to be doing great. He is all curled up in his blanket and so darn cute.

He is making this sweet sound...so I named him Tweet..

Isn't he so cute...I hope he lives...

Follow Up...and Pics.

Follow up After tons of tears...white bleached out streaks in hair..a trip to walgreems at night with her wearing a hoodie..Here she is.. Yep I meant to do it the way I did..Not. I swore if her hair could be fixed I would NEVER touch it again.

Wordless Wednesday

Brothers doing what they do..

Showing love ...

Cole holding Philip's hand while we wait for Philip's Dr yesterday.

Thankful Thursday..Reminder..

Thankful Thursday..

That will be the day I blog the prayers and praises I receive over the week.

I picked Thankful Thursday as the name...why?

Well of course we are Thankful for our praises. But for me I am Thankful I know I am not alone and I can pray and know God cares and is listening.

So help me...Please send me your prayers and praises...or anyone your know who is needing prayer or praise.

Prayers and Praises for Thursday post....amyb1569@cfl.rr.com

Speaks To My Heart ...

I LOVE This....It speaks to my heart tonight ....I need to get me a Mercy Me CD so I can hear more of their wonderful message.

Bring The Rain by Mercy Me
I can count a million times People asking me how I Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray Bring me joy, bring me peace Bring the chance to be free Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days When this life brings me pain But if that's what it takes to praise You Jesus, bring the rain

Not Me Monday..

It is Monday Morning and I do so like to begin the week with the Not Me Monday Meme hosted by MckMama at My Charming Kids.

I DID NOT agree to put some simple highlights in Emily's hair yesterday.

I DID NOT think to myself ...I have never done this..how freakin hard can it be?

I DID NOT think how much fun I had while pulling her hair thru the cap and then I DID NOT think wow I am really good at this.

I DID NOT freak out when I happen to look at her hair 1/2 way thru and notice it was almost white vs the Carmel the box said.

I DID NOT tell her as we washed it how much I loved her and she was beautiful no matter what.

I DID NOT threaten Reed and Philip as they came into the kitchen to watch Emily's reaction to her new hair. BRATS..lol

Emily DID NOT freak out and tell her over and over it is my first day of JR high..my hair is ruined.

WE DID NOT go to Walgreen's to get more color ..and Emily DID NOT wear a hoodie in 99 degree Florida weather to get the OMG mom fix my hair color.

I AM NOT all that this morning because Emily's hair looks woo hoo.

I AM NOT thinking her friends will all want me to do their hair now..LMBO.

Thank goodness...because I NEVER thought maybe we could just cut out each strand of the highlighted aka bleached white hair.

Reed just left for his first say of High School ..I DID NOT really want to drive him there so I could see him walk into high school for the first time.

And when I DID NOT ask him if he wanted me to take him he DID NOT look at me and say Why would you want to do that...I have the bus Mom and it does not take pictures as I walk in. ha funny Reed.

I am laying here watching my sweet baby girl get ready for her first day of Jr. High . I AM NOT trying to figure out how in the world my baby girl looks like this young lady getting all dolled up to LEARN.

I AM NOT so freakin happy that Cole Tre missed the cut off to start K by 20 days. Woo Hoo...

I AM NOT trying to think about the silly fact that I lost 4 readers over the weekend. I really DO NOT care...really...But tell me WHY WHY WHY. Okay sorry I AM over it. LOL come back...come on you know you wanna.

Next Week

Next week is going to be a very busy week. Tonight I told Jimmy that I really do not know when there have been so many medical appts in one week. While I am a little anxious about how to fit everything in ...I am sure it will all just be how it is going to be. I have a feeling that worrying about it...will not make it go any easier. What is that saying I so live by? Oh yes..
God laughs when we mortals make plans...

I would like to ask you for prayers on Tuesday for Philip. It is a BIG appt for him. He will be seeing the DR that has been away. We have some very serious decisions to make. The one that stands out the most tonight is the medication issue. Philip is in pain daily...everyday. He struggles some days to even get up out of bed. And I see It wearing him down. I have a strong feeling that his body is not the only thing hurting..His heart is hurting. He just seems sad. Of course I would be sad also if I felt the way he does daily. I have been praying daily to come up with a well rounded solution for Philip..medically and spiritually. I am sure God is listening and soon we will all see a improvement in Philip.

So Tuesday at 1:00....we will meet with the Dr . Philip is due to get his morphine pump refilled. I am also curious to see what this DR thinks about his partner raising Philip's pump by 15%. There is a medication that has been talked about in the past that we will discuss again. I have to admit that this medication has some wonderful effects. I am scared for Philip to have it added in his pump. For years I have heard some scary things about this medication. I never really thought much about it..because I never thought we would need it.

I pray that God shows us a clear path in this decision. And if this is the path we end up going..that he calms any worries that this over protective mom has.

I also will be having some testing this week, seeing the surgeon and making some chemo changes.

And let's not forget that Emily and Reed will be going to school. How did my baby boy get old enough to go to High School and my sweet girl go to Jr. High...and a more important question could be..since I am 29 years old..how is it even possible to have children old enough to be in those grades...Hummm...LOL

I hope everyone has a blessed Sunday. This has been a long week . Glad it is the weekend. Wish it did not go by so fast...

What are you all doing next week? Wanna share?

Special Request..

New idea.. Re posted from August 5th 2009
I have been thinking about this for quite some time..and I finally am ready to stop thinking and start doing.I LOVE to know what people need ...prayers...encourgemnet...well wishes..etc. Yet sometimes I stumble on to this information well past the time that it was posted.One of my favorite Sunday School lessons was about intercessory prayer. I sat there and listed to the missionary speak about it and it has been nagging at my heart since that day.

So....I would LOVE and feel so BLESSED if you would help me start something new with my blog. One day a week I am going to pray prayer request and then on another day I am going to post praises.
I will start to collect both and get the list started
.Will you help me...Can you send me your prayer request of your praise. Email it toamyb1569@cfl.rr.com

I have been so very blessed with each of you praying for me and our family. Please let me share and give back...I know my readers are so devoted to helping and praying. Share with me so I can share with them..

"Mr. President"..We Are Praying For You.

Today has been a mixture of emotions today. I have thought long and hard about some issues. I decided to do what I do best..come here and share them.
As most of you will recall..I told you long ago that I planned to share the good the bad and the ugly. The funny thing about that statement is...That was before I even got my diagnosis.
I also have said I would not just give a token answer to questions such as..How are you doing..or how are you feeling..I just say it like it is. And lately that has been a little down and frustrated. I am not happy about the repeat surgeries, or my chemo. But I am thrilled to be here and fighting. I will never give up. I depend on God to be in charge of this battle and he gives me the strength to continue to move forward. God and I are a team against Cancer. We are going to win.

I am far from perfect. In fact there is a long list of things I need to work on. But the things you accused me of..are NOT on that list.

But let me also say this. Never Ever for one minute of my life have I ever doubted God loves me and is very much in control of every minute of my life. Just earlier this week..I said I found a saying that so said what my hear felt. God has been holding Philip's hand as he holds my heart..on the harder days. Another thing that has been clear in my blog is..I do NOT believe in luck of chances. I have always said if I thought for one minute that Philip's medical issues and my cancer was a "roll of the dice" I would be a bitter hard person. I know without a doubt that God has a plan for Philip, myself and our family. He truly is in charge. And Thank goodness he is..cause I am sure I would screw it up. Ha.

I think I acted too fast today by sharing the hateful email from Mr. President. In fact I gave this person too much attention today . I have a feeling my response was what this person wanted.
Now that I have shared this with each of you...I want to address a few things and then move on. After tonight I plan to not allow Mr. President to consume anymore of my time or my blog space.

I am who I am. I have been open and as honest as I can be . I started my blog months before I had my operation and my cancer diagnosis. I have shared the good days and the bad days. I have shared the cute sweet family pictures and some hard to look at pictures. Like I said ..the good and the bad. That is not going to change. Not for Mr President or anyone else.

A few days ago I blogged about my desire to start a prayer and praise day on my blog. Praying for others has given me such a awesome feeling. I love the whole concept of Intercessory prayer. I also LOVE to hear about the praises. The wonderful birth stories, adoptions and children who are fighting and winning their own battles. It feels great to take the focus off of myself, Philip and our family issues..and focus on others. That is why I love the blogs so much. You can feel involved in other's lives. I think Mr. Presidents email was a direct cry for "I need prayer".

Today Mr. President has attacked me. And I am a big girl and while it "burned" a little...I have moved on ...My anger turned to sadness for this person. How sad that he has so little in his life he feels the need to attack someone else. I also have to say that I prayed for this person today. It was clear that they need to feel the love of God and maybe that can help heal their heart.

Mr. President then decided that his first attack was not enough. He needed to add more. In response to someone emailing him about how rude his email was...They respond and sent to me the following.

I only fear that Satan has taken over her life.... and is causing her to focus on hateful things........ Apparently there will never be any peace for her.... Do you think this is carma? Or is she a victim of her own devices?

My response to this is..Satan has NOT taken over my life. I strive to be the kind of christian lady that Satan says...Oh no she is awake today..( thank you Sheli for that..lol). Hateful...Heck I am far from hateful. And I strive for peace. Most days I feel it. On the harder days I pray for it. And God blessed me with it. Each day I wake up to my wonderful children and my DH. I thank God for my blessings.

Mr. President then decided that attacking a adult was not enough...so he lowered himself even more. To bring Philip and his illness into this is just about as cruel as can be. I do hope that you can pray for some forgiveness. You must be a miserable and hateful person. Mr. President sent me the following..

Philip is your punishment for being such a bad person. If you keep acting like you are ,he is going to punish you by having Philip die a painful death.

Let me make this clear. Philip is a blessing . God blessed me by allowing me to be his mother. I love to think of God looking around and thinking...who would be blessed by a wonderful child like Philip. And he picked me. I love my son more then I can even explain. I would not change being his mom for ANYTHING in this world.

So Mr. President...I want to thank you for taking time to let me know your feelings. At first I was angry...and now I am just sad for you. What a bitter person you are.

I would like to ask each of you tonight to join me in praying for Mr. President. His heart is bitter . What a sad way to live a life.

I am done with this topic.

Thank you ALL for your support today. You all lifted me up when I was hurting . I am so VERY blessed by each and every one of you. Talk about blessings...ya'll are mine.

Ouch...Am I That Awful To Deal With?

----- Original Message -----
From: Mr. President :AKA Parker1801
To:amyb1569@cfl.rr.com
Sent: Friday, August 07, 2009 11:10 AM
Subject: Get a Life.........
It seems to me that your blog reflects a self-absorbed, self-loathing and sociopathic personality. I will pray for you a (not really) nd those that must endure the embarrasment of your sicknesses.

An observer.

Up Late..

I am up late tonight....I have felt bad all night and in a lot of pain. I am really hurting . Just a little tired tonight of this incision pain..and knowing it is going to have to be worked on again. I can not help but wonder ..what the heck is going on...and when is it going to be over . Okay..there is my pity party...quick and to the point.

I have been worried all week. With school starting next week..I am wondering how I am going to make sure I am stronger and on top of everything for the kids. I know I can do it...well I know the old Amy could do it. This new Amy I am not too sure about what she can and can not do some days. Seems she lets me down sometimes.

I guess what I am trying to say is ..it is so very important to me that the kids have a good year. Emily is starting Jr High and Reed High School. I want them to not only do well but to thrive this year. I know they are older..and can do for themselves. I just hate feeling so run down and not able to jump up some days to do things or anything.
And of course I have Philip and his medical needs ..and my adorable Little 4 year old man.

Gosh..I just re-read this..I seem to be in a I WANT mood tonight. Yikes.

I know I have said this before..But I am missing the old me. Well ...I am sorta missing the old me.
I miss how I use to feel..full of energy and happy and active. Now I feel ...Bluh..exhausted and some days I wish I could stay in bed and never get up. I am not depressed..Just healing..

I do NOT miss the old me that felt like she knew where her faith was at. I have found such a new relationship with God. There have been days where I felt I had no one who could help me..and I just gave it to him. During these times..I have given God more and more of my heart..and it feels good. Really Good.

So could it be..that in a odd way this could be some type of hidden blessing?

Okay..in a few hours I have to get up. I am going to try some ice and sleep.

It felt great to be able to come here and share my 2 am feelings..what a blessing all of you are.

Post a comment and let me know you came by for a visit..yes even you awesome lurkers..LOL

New idea..

I have been thinking about this for quite some time..and I finally am ready to stop thinking and start doing.

I LOVE to know what people need ...prayers...encourgemnet...well wishes..etc. Yet sometimes I stumble on to this information well past the time that it was posted.

One of my favorite Sunday School lessons was about intercessory prayer. I sat there and listed to the missionary speak about it and it has been nagging at my heart since that day.

So....I would LOVE and feel so BLESSED if you would help me start something new with my blog. One day a week I am going to pray prayer request and then on another day I am going to post praises.

I will start to collect both and get the list started.

Will you help me...

Can you send me your prayer request of your praise. Email it to
amyb1569@cfl.rr.com

I have been so very blessed with each of you praying for me and our family. Please let me share and give back...I know my readers are so devoted to helping and praying. Share with me so I can share with them..

Urgggg

I am not going to dwell on this. ...but I am going to share it with all of you. As many of you know I had surgery July 3rd. It turned into a complicated operation due to the fact a second mass was found a few hours before we were going into the operating room. Due to the second mass the Dr needed to make a more complicated incision and "bridge" some nerves and tissue together. This has made the recovery less then easy. In fact it has been painful and hard. Last week I saw the Dr again and needed additional surgery to fix a complication from surgery. I noticed this weekend I had the same issues again and increased swelling and pain.

It looks like the original problem is back . The surgeon is going to do a special scan and then go back in and work on the area again.

While I hate this set back... I am just taking it one day at a time. I am really frustrated with my recovery. BUT I am looking forward to putting this behind me and working on healing.

I am working on healing in many areas of my life. It is a daily battle BUT I will win the battle. To not expect to beat this is giving up...and I will never give up.

Random Monday Thoughts.

Okay really I have been thinking about this for more then just today. In fact lately I have been doing too much thinking. Sometimes thinking can be helpful and others it can play on your emotions and fears. So today I am going to blog some here and there thoughts...

I am going to wait to blog the details about Philip's medical. To be honest that is all I seem to think about lately and it is wearing me down. It hurts me more then I could ever explain to not be able to "fix" this for him. Heck I would love to just be able to "help" him. I have been trying to do that since the day he got sick. And about the time I think I take a step forward I end up feeling worse about the next medical crisis. With the new school year starting for Reed and Emily. I have this dread in my heart that while they are moving forward. We are doing little if anything to help Philip move forward with his future. And trust me I have never given up for one split second for Philip to have a future. It may not be the straight path I had always prayed for..But there will be a path. God will lead us on the right path. Please pray that I have a open heart and mind to what his wish is for Philip.

I had a thought the other day about God and Philip's medical issues. I LOVE this.

God has held Philip's hand while holding my heart.


Lately I have felt very much out of control in many areas of my life. I know God is really the one in control. And he and I have had talks late at night about why I need to feel in control. It is complicated and I have a feeling God just shakes his head at me some days and says..one day soon she is going to let go and let me guide. Thank you God for not ever giving up on me.


One area I have felt very much out of control is my health. Lately I have been thinking about where I was a year ago. And in reality a year ago is gone and I should be thinking about a year from now. Heck maybe I just need to think about today. Yet last year things were very different. I felt happier and healthier. I had just finished losing 95 pounds. I started feeling whole and healthy. And today I feel not so healthy and some days far from whole.I do not even recognise m body anymore. In fact when I find myself out of breathe with the simple act of checking the mail or taking a shower. I do not feel too pretty or exciting. I miss ME .I do not know this new person..I feel broken.

So I have to ask myself. Am I feeling spiritual broken or Physically. While some days I do struggle with my spiritually strength...I know I am loved and I love that God is here for me no matter what. I would much rather be physically broken then spiritually.

I guess part of my "issue" is how I am handling things with my health. I try hard to keep going . I work on the thought of "fake it till I make it". And I think sometimes that is not always good. I find myself "feeling" like family is just over me being sick. Well not over it but use to it. But I am NOT use to it. I am not sure I ever will get use to any of it. Here is the pity party...I guess sometimes it feel like no one cares that I am sick. Oh it looks as ugly typed out as it does in my head. I need to work on getting the ugly out of my head and heart. It is GOOD for anything. Waste of time and emotion.

So where do I go from here? Some may say snap out of it..trust me I have tried. Some will say Pray about it..trust me I have.

Baby steps...it is not a sprint it is a marathon.

Thank you for allowing me a safe place to come on the harder days.

Farmer Amy?

Is it that bad that I LOVE my FaceBook farm as much as I do? I mean it is free therapy. Sometimes when I am harvesting those cute little veggies I MIGHT imagine they are the heads of some of the people who are making my life a tad harder..Oops..did I just really admit that? Did I mention I am on some strong pain meds from my operation last Wednesday? Blame it on the pills...always.


So come on who will admit they have a "relationship" with their farm town farm?

Please do not hate me because I am a level 33 and have 1,026,693 coins. I am going to buy a mansion ...soon..lol

See what pain meds and too much bed rest can do...Make a city gal become a farmer. Yes I know it is not "that" real of a farm..but it is my kind of farm. Dirtless and no animal poop to deal with.

Maybe if ya want..we can even be farm town neighbors...wanna?

Sunday evening update

Just thought I would share that Jim is back home. I love the picture of us with Cole Tre. We went out for his birthday dinner before I had my surgery. It was nice to be able to spend some time together.

The kids are really happy to have their daddy back home.