Big Favor

As many of you know I have been dealing with a battle of cancer. Also Philip is struggling with some serious medical issues. A wonderful group called Spirit Jump has so blessed us with cards and small gifts. Please help me give back to them ..take 5 minutes and help me help them. Tell them Amy B sent you. would you write a review for our friend @AmyB11569 http://bit.ly/foOv8
Tell them how you have seen SJ bless our family and others.

Let me know if you did this..and it would mean so much to me.

Thank you.

Long Day...Glad it is over.

I am home healing from surgery today. It was not expected and I did not find out until late yesterday I would have to go in for surgery today. The Dr was so very nice again today. He explained in detail what the problem was and why it had happened. The last surgery I had 3 weeks ago was complicated and in a hard place..where the drains were at caused a issue and it needed to be dealt with. I ended up in a lot of pain and saw him yesterday. And today was the day. He did tell me that I would need to go back to surgery to deal with the ongoing complication of the healing process. Needless to say today has been a long hard day. I am disappointed and frustrated...but I feel so VERY blessed with my Dr and his staff. I have been taking my pain meds and ...can you tell by this post?

Have you all noticed all the different colors of my gowns? I am thinking the pink one was the prettiest. But I just like that today was cloth and not paper.

Did I mention I am on strong pain meds?

Speaking of strong pain meds...can you tell which picture the pre op drugs kicked in?

Found a wonderful store..and giveaway

Entered a giveaway here and so want to win the beautiful silver ring...it is so pretty. It sold at this awesome store..

If I win..

I swear I will cook...I so wanna win the test kitchen cookbook..

Giveaway..

Great Giveaway.

Great Giveway...If you win THIS can we share..please?
You know how I love smell good stuff..

Living With My Daughter...

See how sweet she looks...do NOT be fooled. This little pre-tween has a way with me like no one else I know. She keeps me laughing most days and sometimes a little teary eyed.

I am so thankful that God blessed me with a daughter. I love this little sweet girl too much.

Now with that being said..she is stubborn..and I have no idea where she got it from. She has a sense of humor that will not stop. She is a mixture of strong and gentle at the same time.

And she has me and her daddy just where she wants us...LOL.

In some ways she is so independent and the other side of her wants me to drive her to the new Jr high her first day.

But she is growing up fast...too fast...

Tell me will she love me when she is 13? Will she think I am so cool when she is 14? Will she want to stay up late and watch movies with me when she is 15? is she going to pick boys over me at 16?

Tuesday's Tribute

As we all know daily life can get crazy and busy, All of us are guilty of getting caught up with our own lives . So that is why I LOVE the Tuesday Tribute days..I am so very blessed and my of thanks you list is VERY long...

This week I have a very special thank ..

I had such a blessing this week from the

Church Of Christ..Burrus Chapel-Keefe, Tennessee

They sent me a beautiful card that was signed by the members...I must admit I was so surprised and it was wonderful to know that there are people everywhere praying for our family..

GOD is GOOD...

Tuesday Thoughts..

I wanted to thank all of you who take the good with the bad in my blog AKA my daily life. I know sometimes it is not all pretty...but then again...Life is not. I guess it is just the way it is. I do try to keep it real..cause reality is all I can depend on some days...

I seem to recall I use to ask..do you want the real story or the token one..and EVERYONE said the real one..

So we keep it real here...right? Deal?

Now...with that being said..Thank you for those who lurk . I know you are there and it means a lot. Lurkers are more then welcome here. Thank you also for the lurkers who come out and say..I am a lurker but wanted to say......
I love that... Thank you. And my goodness all of you who come here and read and or post comments and emails..Thank you. Sometimes your words are what get me through a rough night ..or remind me it is all okay when I am in a Dr appt.

For those of you who decided to stop following or commenting because I have been a downer or blunt lately...I am who I am..and it may not always be pretty...but it is the best I can do...and really in the end...isn't that enough?

Okay wish me luck...Cole is in a cute mood today and tells me if it snows after Philip's appt he will marry me today. Hummm...

Please Please pray the Dr can do something today and help us ...more then just a simple let's raise his pump meds ...Heck maybe a new Dr with a new set of eyes..you never know...it could be wonderful...

The best medicine...brotherly love..

Well I now have a wonderful feeling that all will be good at the DR appt for Philip BECAUSE Cole Tre is going to go and help Philip.
He is going through a hard stage right now so I always like to try to take him with me when I go ...but usually not DR appt.
But Cole Tre has been so good and such a big boy and helpful at the last few appt..that he gets to go today.
He woke up and asked and said he would be a big boy and very quite and would hold Philip's hand..

So that has to help...Right?

Vent update..

After some calls that ended up being not so nice....I got a very nice call back from the PA this afternoon.

Philip will be seen tomorrow at 11:15...I was warned that the regular Dr is out of town so this may be just a "lets get him over the hump" fix appt tomorrow. Not the best..but we will take it...It is a step in the right direction.

The reason I did not take him to the ER is because of the type of machine he has..he can only have certain types of meds and also they can only set the machine. I think in the end the ER would of been a big mess. BUT...I will be asking the DR what we should do next time we face this..and he is gone or it is at night..or a holiday..etc.

Philip has been sick all day. He finally got up at 5:30 and is just taking things really slow.

Thank you all for your comments...your support meant so much to me today ....and everyday.

How in the world..did I get so blessed to have all of you on Philip's team?

Oh yes I am here to vent again..

I bet many of you will get what I am about to say...I LOVE Philip's DR. I think he is wonderful and cares and everything else good I can think to say about him. I also love his front office lady. She is sweet and always seems to care how Philip is doing and even ask about me. I also have a soft spot for her because I had my kick butt shirt on that said LOVE HOPE FAITH and she looked at me and said..I love your shirt and I learned that lesson late in life. I said well at least you learned..so from that moment on...I have had a nice feeling when I talk to her. Wow I just gave you tons of info you may not of cared about..But you know me..lol

So my sweet son is sick. He is miserable and in pain. He did have a few good hours yesterday afternoon where he was not hurting as bad with his pump and pain meds...then last night it all got bad again. So as I have mentioned before he is maxed out on meds..between his pain pump and the pain pills and the seizure meds and on and on. It is alot..too much..for him to need to take and still be hurting.

Philip ended up throwing up all night...needless to say I have been counting the hours till the Dr office opens to call them. Why? Because I THOUGHT they would be able to help me..

So I call..and find out his Dr is out of town..so I ask about his PA. The lady says he is here but he is booked up...I said until when and she says till the 31st. I explained to her that Philip was in a lot of pain ..and not functioning well. I also told her I had a concern as to if the pump was working correctly. She listens and says ...I can give you no medical advice. I am thinking where in the world is the sweet lady I always talk to..of course she is not there. So I say...does your office have appts set aside for emergency patients. She says..Mam...all our appts are for emergencies. She explains to me when dealing with such strong medications things can go wrong. Wow thank you for that ...so I left her with...well not all your patients are kids and kids who have had 19 brain operations and now are so drugged up they can not function. So please make sure you send all that info the PA because if something goes wrong I want to make sure I know that you knew just how sick he was.

It is just a hard place to be..because we always are able to get in. He is a wonderful Dr and he is the best at what he does. But his staff ..or whoever answered this morning really made him and his whole office look awful , at least to me. Plus the bottom line is Philip is just really sick and needs to be seen.

Have I heard back? Two guesses and the first does not count. HECK NO.

Here I go again..

Okay I am feeling really guilty about my post last night .

Sometimes I wish I could be more of a person who says it and leaves it alone. Then again I like that I am a person that does not want to hurt anyone...

I want to make sure each of you understands something...the post had NOTHING to do with ANY OF YOU asking questions on here , in emails, on twitter or facebook or the phone. I love that you care and want to know. Do you have any idea what it does to my heart to know that no matter what is going on...with who..or what time of day..Someone will be here to pray ..and they care. That is a true blessing...

I think I was very frustrated last night because ...well because I just feel bad and I am over feeling bad. And maybe I can admit I was feeling a little sorry for myself. Just a little.

I have been thinking that I miss the old me..but the truth is..so much good has come from this hard time. I have found myself being forced to lean on GOD more then I ever had in my life. And that is a wonderful thing. I have forced myself to make more time for my children..and my family. And I have found all of you...so many wonderful new friends...

So while I miss feeling stronger and healthier..I would hate to only think about that and not the good that has come from all of this..

With that being said..I was frustrated..I have people who email me and are very upset that I have not done this or that ...They are mad because I have not shared the deep personal issues of my family. I have had someone be very upset with me because I have ignored emails from them when they say that maybe it would be better for Philip to not be here. I am NOT and will NEVER allow someone to force me to do or feel like I need to do something because I owe it to them. Heck..I am still trying to figure out what I owe to myself and my family.

So for each of you my friends who support me..please do NOT stop posting here..do NOT stop asking how we are doing..I know you do it cause you care..and that is a wonderful feeling on some hard days.

So come on...come here and ask me some questions..make them good..you know you want to..right?

Sunday Afternoon Philip update

I wanted to give you a quick update on Philip. He was up a lot last night but slept this morning. he got up about 3 and took some more meds and seems better for right now. I will be making sure we get in to see the DR tomorrow morning. WE have had too many days where it seems like everything is going better and then all heck breaks loose. A plan of action will be nice tomorrow.

I guess my issues still goes back to...sure today he seems in less pain and is up and functioning..but the amount of meds he is on along with his morphine pump is scary and shocking. Wish we could find and fix the issues vs taking more and more drugs. But for today I will be thankful that the meds have been controlling his issues better. Baby steps...

Also without going into personal details...I would like to ask you for prayers for Philip dealing with some issues that are ongoing and personal as a result of him having a stroke. These will be dealt with but it may not be easy pleasant for him or me. But ya'll know me..we will get it done.

Have I mentioned I so wish there was a book called How a Mommy is to know what to do for all of this..

Can any of you write one and send it to me?

Love you all and am more thankful for all your support then you know..Please stick around..I promise things will get better ..They will...right?

Questions and Answers...Part Eight

A wonderful blogger friend Rachel... who has been so supportive asked.... what do you do to wind down? What kind of fun stuff do you enjoy? (my list would be all FOOD, so I'm sure you are far more interesting, LOL)

Oh Rachel...Food has always been really big on my list to cover all the bases. It has been my best friend on some VERY hard days at the hospital ...I ended up weighing 223 pounds ..One day I realised I was as upset being heavier and eating as I was facing life. So the diet began and I lost 95 pounds. Know what happen ? After I got down with my weight and was on a way too strict not so healthy diet..Philip was in the hospital..I gained 15 pounds in 2 weeks. That was a reality. Then know what happen the next time? Philip was in ICU for weeks and I stayed hard core on plan and almost had a nervous breakdown. I had no idea how much I depended on food.

Oh wow I just realised that is not the question you asked me. But I will go ahead and just keep this here...

Now Rachel..How about I answer that question..

I LOVE to take bubble baths...I LOVE candles..I LOVE all smell good stuff. Especially for the house. My new favorite scents are cucumber and I love coconut. I love getting pedicures..they make me feel so spoiled...Wish I could get them every month. Heck I wish I could teach Emily to do them. And the idea of getting another massage is just heaven. So I guess I like spoil Amy things...maybe we need a girl weekend away to do some of these..wanna join me?


My new sweet friend Lianna ( who I am so glad I have found on blogger and Tweeter ) asked...
with all the things going on in your life, what do you do for YOU??? I know you always put everyone else in your family first (which is what I try to do too), but sometime a girl just needs her time. So what, if you could, would you do for YOU??
I think I answered a lot of these things above. I LOVE smell good stuff. I love bubble baths...I am thinking about trying to buy one of those cloth pillow for the tub to use when I am not feeling well and have a headache. Bubble bath and a candle..and lotion ...Heaven.
I also would love to try to get a massage soon. I have been looking at some signs around town ..I think they are taunting me..LOL.

Oh and one new thing I LOVE is very strong smelling..what are they called? The smelly sticks you light..I found some one time before that were real strong and smelled wonderful. Now all I can find are wimpy ones.

So if you know of any ESTY ladies who make them or sell them..Let me know.

Odds and Ends...Small Vent

Tonight we are in the same pattern as the past three days. Maxed out on meds..and he so needs more...Finding a balance is NOT going to happen. We will be getting some testing and procedure on Monday. Part of me wonders if the new machine could be broken ..chances are no....more then likely it is just not working for him. We will know more Monday. The Dr who is covering for his DR would be more then glad to see us and try to help..but as we have heard way too many times..Philip is complex and they are not sure what to do or try etc. His Dr will be back Monday and I just feel in my heart He is the best one to even start to change anything...Guessing games are never good..and when it is my son..It is not a option I am willing to take..So we are taking it day by day..Hour By Hour..

I am healing...still sore..but that is to be expected. I had a wonderful conversation with my sweet friend Sheli last night. Her DH who is a pastor blessed me with a wonderful time of prayer...He said just what I needed to hear. In fact I told Sheli I thought I had a pastor crush on him...she just threaten me and said some things that I did not know a pastor wife could or should say...Nah..I am joking..

Sheli listened to me tell her how concerned I was that I was so tired and worn down ..and even got out of breathe so easy. She listened and then reminded me that I am sick and have been having surgery after surgery. It is odd...while I know all of that...and I live it daily..it is easy to forget it and get down on myself for feeling "OFF". I Hate to feel like I am giving into being sick. But you know what...as much as I hate to admit it..some days lately it has won. This thing called Cancer and Treatment has been taking a toll on me . But not for long...

I wanted to share that my anxiety has gotten some better. I have been really trying to focus on the wonderful blessings in my life and not all the things that can and might happen. It does not always work perfect..but I am working on it daily. I do NOT want to give in to worrying about what if's...cause there are some real bad ones out there...

I have really tried hard to spend some time focusing on the kids. The truth is..Philip's medical issues require a lot of time and physical and emotional energy. Reed is growing up by the minute and before long he will not even want to share silly jokes or gross stories with me...Emily is turning into a young lady by the minute ...she is anxious about gong to Jr high..and I am anxious and excited for her. And well you all know I LOVE every second I have with my sweet 4 year old. The kids require care and time from me..and they give me back something more special....then money can buy...LOVE .

Sometimes it seems that I feel like I am being short or nasty or judged...if I do not call or post or share this or that. The truth is..I am who I am..and I am doing things MY way. In the end of the day..I have to lay down and know I have done the best I can in a day..and some days that means I can not and am not going to talk, share, dwell, or harp on my personal life..or details. Some days I can not and will not answer emails...and I also may not answer my phone. Sometimes when "you" get upset that I have not answered the phone or answered that email...I have my head stuck in a toilet...or I am laying in bed trying to figure out if I can make it one more day without washing my hair. The fact is..while you want to hear the details..the answers to your questions..and or what is going on...It is not just simple fill in the blanks..it is my life we are talking about. Conversations about my Son and his medical issues are painful for me..if I want to talk about it..I will..when I can. If you ask and I say I will share later..I will. I do not and am not going to share details about my DH UNTIL I want to...It is not a reality show..it is my life. It is me who has been lonely and hurting and sad. Is it that hard to understand that I do NOT want to give out details? My medical..it is hard enough for me to even think about what may happen..I will tell you the "ugly" facts when I am ready..if I am ever ready.

This is not to you or you or even you..it is a general FYI...I can not even begin to tell you all how much your support means to me. But I am finding MY way. Somehow I did not really GET it that I am sick ...until it has gone on and on..until I have had operation after operation. Until I figured out I need meds to do the simplest of things...I think a light bulb has gone off..this is real..and I am finding my own way of dealing with it. So be patient and let me find my way..

Speaking of meds..I am tired and my pain meds are kicking in...

Steps Backwards..Philip.

I come to you all tonight and ask you to please pray for Philip. We are taking steps backwards... Things are not going well are NOT going well for him and I just am just heart broken. I have spent hours watching him suffer tonight...actually I have spent years watching him suffer.
Between Seizures and Pain and Severe Headache..it has been a long hard day.

We keep adding meds and pumps and seizures meds and then more meds that lower the seizure meds so we have seizures and add more meds...trying to not be negative here..but it seems like we take one step forward and a bunch back. It is crushing me tonight...really. It is just painful to watch and think about tonight.

He has had all the meds he can take tonight plus some.

I have a call put into the surgeon. Maybe he can up the pain pump..He has done it twice already. Know what nags at my heart....and also makes me angry...we can not figure out how to fix this..

With everything else..19 brain operations, strokes, seizures, loss of right side function and now weakness of left side..why why why and what what and what...Okay..I went there..some days and especially some nights I just can not help it..WHY..and how can we help him.

Please pray for Philip..He is just a kid..my first born son..

Thank You all for being here for me always..I am so blessed by each of you..

Look what you can win...for me..lol

My friend Kristen is having a wonderful giveaway. There are three choices you can see here . I know you all know the rules but I am going to share them again. If you enter cause you saw it here...you share with me..and yes..if you send the necklace to me first I will send it back..You believe me , right?

So to make it easy I am even going to show you the one I want to win..

I LOVE this..I live by the beach and I LOVE the beach. I realised the other day I have NOT been back since my diagnosis. I miss it so much. The beach has wonderful memories and my family. As soon as I can handle the heat I am going to get a chair and go and sit and talk to God. I always think if anyone doubts there is a God..go sit at the beach it is beautiful.

Opps..I am going on and on..

Okay..so back to the point..Please go enter..and when you win..let's share the beautiful necklace above..

Hurry it ends TONIGHT

Philip

It is going to be a long night. I hesitated to post this ...Lately I feel a little on the "needy" side in my blog. But then again..I know so many of you care about Philip and would want me to share...

Philip is having a very hard evening. He had a really bad seizure and it has taken a lot out of him. He is in alot of pain and not feeling well. He is now maxed out on all the meds he can take...This puts us in a bad place.

My heart is hurting tonight. I just do not know what more we can do to help with his pain. It is hard to see my first born son suffer and hurt...I wish I could take it all from him.

Seems like things are hard right now..and I am having a hard time talking myself out of the fact that I want to scream...ENOUGH.

So instead I have talked softly to God and told him I am tired and weary and feeling weak tonight. I can feel her heard my prayers.

Something In Pink..Medical Update

Some may say pretty in pink..I say feeling pathetic in pink...lol.

Do I look drugged in this picture? Cause I am..

I Love how the DR office has these nice soft pink breast cover up gowns.. They just lift up and over..so much nicer then the blue paper robes.

I have had a lot of pain since my surgery. In fact I have felt so bad and run down I have spent way too much laying down. Actually I was a little concern with the level of pain I have a week later.

Today I saw the Dr for my follow up. I just adore the DR who did my surgery. He is so gentle and so kind.

He explained to me that the operation he did was complex because of where it was. He had to do some extensive work on the nipple area..He explained that because he had to do two places he did some damage to the nerve area. He ended up having to "bridge" the nerves back together for good blood supply. I have no idea what this means. But I said ..oh wow..okay.

He then said the healing would be in stages. Throbbing..Burning..shooting pain and all of the above. Sop the level of pain I am having is normal and is to be expected.

He then told me that both masses he removed were tumors and we did the best thing not just biopsy them but removing the whole mass. He did tell me that the type of tumor these were..do grow and sometimes fast. So one again we did the best thing with removing them.

We will be working on a follow up plan. But until then I am working on healing and my fatigue do to the treatments and operation. I will need to have follow up breast MRI, Ultrasounds, Mammograms every three months. And any new masses will need to be removed immediately. Plus whatever treatment is needed.

I do not know what the treatment will be for any of this but of course it will be done .

The Dr said something today that I thought said it all. He said this office has been filled with a lot of heartache..and there are days I hate having to speak to young ladies like yourself.

I left feeling overwhelmed..and anxious...but blessed he was kind and gentle. And so very thankful that he had taken both out and the second one was found on surgery day.

So for now I am just laying in bed feeling pretty sick. I hate feeling this way. I hate pain meds. I hate not just feeling like myself. Of course it has been a while..I am nto sure what that feels like...Okay I know that was whinny. I am just a little over things today.

Tomorrow will be a new day and God willing I will wake up and I will be thankful.

Question and Answers...Part Seven..

City Girl turned Country Girl asked how all the children react to Philip's medical condition and also mine. Great question. To be honest I am not always sure how to answer that. Kids can be hard to read sometimes...

Philip...is very sweet about my medical conditions. He is always the one who will come in and ask if I am okay and how everything is. He seems very over protective of me and I know he worries.

Reed...He will never say one word about me or Philip. In fact if I did not know better I would think he seriously does not know there is any issues. But the truth is he is very quite about his feelings and always has been. He is skirmish about blood, bandages, throwing up and or pain and crying. Because of this I always make sure we talk about it every once in a while. As I have said before he is my most sensitive child and I love his sweet "if I ignore this" it will go away attitude. How I wish that were true.

Emily...Oh sweet Emily. She worries and worries and worries. She is the one who know matter what I need done she will do it. She wants to sit in the waiting room for all my operations. She has gone and stayed at the Ronald McDonald House for long periods of time to be close to Philip when he was in the hospital for weeks at a time.

Cole...He is the best medicine for me and Philip. He can make us smile on our worse days.

I think as a family unit we all handle our feelings different. Not always pretty.. But the truth is we just handle it.

My long time friend Sandy asked me two questions..How did the computer get wet on Philip's make A Wish Trip To Hawaii...

Humm...well I was driving because Jim hated driving there with the one way streets. I happen to end up on a one way street and all of the sudden had to make a quick u-turn in the rental van ..seems Emily did not know when to hold on to that drink and it went flying forward all over the van floor. where the lap top happen to be laying. When I took it to the geek squad my special friend Mike worked forever to get my pictures off the hard drive for me..even though there was dried sugar crystals on there from the soda..YUCK.


Second question was...what is my biggest fear...Hard question. I think my biggest fear is just not doing enough the right way. I so want to be a good mom, a good wife, a good friend and a good person. Lately i feel like I come up short on each of these areas. I know most of us do feel that way..but I really feel that way in a serious way. I never want my children's childhood to be filled with thoughts of..well it was okay but my mom was sick and we could not do such and such...or it was okay but we could not afford to go to here or there because of medical bills.

And last but so very important. I worry about not being strong enough to beat this illness and leave my family. I love my children more then I ever thought possible. I so want to be here each and everyday.

And of course it goes without saying...I fear not being a person who lives of to the Christan standards I want..I am so working on my relationship with God. Without him I would have so much more to fear.

Wordless Wednesday..

Emily wanted a sister and ......

Checkin In...

Today I have a really LONG medical day. I am behind on some of my treatments and today we will see what we need to do about that...since I am still trying to heal...I am a little overwhelmed today.

Also I see the surgeon about the drain.

I am a little...frustrated or anxious...maybe both...I will not be getting my biopsy results till Mid next week. They wanted it sent to a second lab. Why?

Now to be honest...If I let myself think about the second mass and the second lab..I could start thinking really bad thoughts..and deep in the night I do just that..I am trying to not jump to conclusions. It will be what it is...and I plan to deal with it..head on ...I just pray that it is all okay and I can work towards getting strong and well. I look forward to the days ahead...to do just that.

I hope you all have a blessed day.

Wordless Wednesday

This picture was taken the day I came home from my surgery. I did not even know he climbed up and cuddled with me...I was still knocked out from my surgery and meds.

How sweet that he is laying with me while I sleep...

Tell me..How blessed am I? I would say VERY.

Picture Says It All...

This is what Spirit Jumpers can do for someone who is having a hard day. A card like this can make such a difference.

Consider joining today and make someone smile.

Question and Answers..Part Six

Janet asked..Is Philip home yet?

Philip is home and working on healing. He has had some rough days but he also has days where he seems like he is getting stronger.

He did have a seizure on July 4th that was scary. I will never get use to the idea that he has these. They are so scary...

Philip has been to U of M and we are waiting on him to finish healing to move forward. The type of testing he needs can be dangerous to the new machine he has. So we are working that out.

He will have a vascular mapping to look at the area of the mass in the brain stem.

Andrea asked...where is Philip's mass at?

Andrea here is a picture of the brain and where the mass is. As you can see there is a while line in the middle. That is a piece of the old shunt that they can not get out. They did try but there is just so much damage and it is in the deepest area of the brain..against the brain stem. The DR all say the same thing..it is in the worse place possible. Or wow that is such a tricky place. And on and on. I can say without a doubt I hate the mass. It has been a problem from his first brain operation at 6 weeks old. Then again at 6 months old. What a shock that it has come back.


Joyce asked..what is the plan for Philip?

To be honest I do not know. And that drives me crazy. Keeps me up at night and keeps my mind crazy with what ifs. That is the honest truth.

I do know he will go back to U of M and do some serious testing...and some of it is going to be life changing. Decisions are going to need to be made and I just do not know what the right answers should be. My security in my ability to know what is right left when Philip had his stroke...time has not healed that.
Philip will then need to go to NY Sloan. We are working out the details .

We have been told that the suergons here are not the best choice to do surgery on Philip. Hard to hear but deep down my heart told me that already.

Do You Hear That?

Do you hear that loud high pitch annoying screaming? That is my left breast screaming obscenities. I have decided my breast hates me..and well this morning I hate it ....so there.

I know each of you needed to know this tid bit of info...

Questions and Answers...Part Five

Shannon asked...Who is your favorite blogger that has had heart surgery? (So selfish of me, I know.) :) Ok, and a real question... I mean, lets get serious....What is your favorite Starbucks drink? :)

I adore Shannon.and she has gotten me through some pretty tough days. I dare to say that she and I have the same type of smart butt sense of humor. Ha Shannon? Love you sweet friend.

Then again I do think it was a late night talk where she offered for her DH to see if he could get my pics off my old hard drive. And I had to ask her would he have to "SEE" all the pictures. She loved that..ha.
Shannon showed such faith and courage when she had her heart surgery. Then she begged for my pain meds..or at least to lick them..LOL. Ha
And my favorite SB drink...I ask Evan the cute SB guy to take skim milk and 3 shots with 8 SF hazelnut pumps and blend with ice. YUMMY. How about all of you?

Josie asked me..what is your favorite candy..
I love twizzlers and jubbies and such. Chewy candy...

Erica asked..what is your favorite scent..

I love candle and soap scents like cucumber and pear...cocunut..gardenia..stronger the better...
My favorite soap scent is the fresh and clean scent of PINK..yummmy..

Susan asked about my dogs..

I have two retired greyhounds...Jumper 16 and Rasta 11...They are our boys and I can not tell you how much they have helped me feel better on the harder days. Jumper is older and we baby him as much as we can...

Questions and Answers..Part Four

Krissy asked..what is your favorite quote or saying..

I had to laugh about this because this was what popped in my mind and I had already blogged about it 2 months ago...The beautiful gift you gave me has gotten me through so many rough days..Thank you so much.


I received a beautiful card from Krissy who sent me a gift for Spirit Jumps. It was 2 pieces glasses of sea glass with the word HOPE written on them. Her card said the most perfect words. I am going to LIVE by these words. If I have to repeat them to myself everyday..all day. Thank You Krissy for the gift and the wonderful words. They may just change my outlook and help change my life...
When the world says to give up....Hope whispers..Try it one more time...

Qestions and Answers...Part Three

Becky asked me...How did I meet Jim. What my favorite movie and music are...

Me and Jimmy...wow. Okay I just graduated from High School and came back to Florida to visit my family before starting college. And guess what? Yep. I got a part time job at the grocery store. And there was this OLDER guy who would come in and I noticed he would come in and buy the oddest things...such as pens and gum and medicine and beans.
Then one day he came in and was sick..coughing and sneezing and all ick. When he came through my line he was coughing and I said..do not sneeze on me..I do not wanna get sick. He looked at me and said..Oh hey...and that was that..lol. When he left I wondered "who" would be making his soup when he was sick.
The next day he came back again and asked me if I would like to go up to the beach while he fished. I said sure but ended up not going. He swears to this day I stood him up..I happen to see him again and he asked me out and I went..and 3 months later we got married...and here we are almost 22 years later.
Oh and let me add when he picked me up for our date ..the back seat had all the things he had bought..He was not buying things at the store..he was stalking me..and I sorta liked it.
On our first date..I just knew ...he was something special.

My favorite music..

I really like all types of music. I LOVE the RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS. Just can not help it. There new CD's just are wonderful .
I have been listening to tons of James Blunt lately..His CD reminds me of my life right now. I just love the words ..
Eric Clapton has a few songs that really touch me...
And if we are being blunt..Justin Timberlake is about too cute and I happen to listen to his music while watching him..LOL.
I also am learning about a lot of new music...Casting Crowns and others. I am going to have to get me some worship CD's. I love the music and well of course the message.

My favorite Movie...

Well I am not sure about the movies..so can I cheat and do TV shows?
I LOVE House. I know it is just a show. But I so wish I could find a DR just like him to help Philip. I also love the Biggest Loser..after losing 95 pounds last year..I love to watch others reclaim their lives. And I am a crime TV junkie. Love it.


Joyce asked...what are my favorite colors..

I love black and brown. Odd I know..lol. My new mixture I like a lot is..Brown with Pink..so cute and preppy..

I am also a silver girl over Gold..Love silver everything..

Great questions ladies...if you have anymore...let me know...I am having fun with them.

Tonight,

I am trying to prop up for a few while I do my ice pack..so I thought I would update real quick. To be honest...I am really worn down...and having a rough time. I find myself hurting so bad that I worry what I am going to do until it is time for my next pain pill.

Emily has stayed home with me all day and as always she is such a help and true blessing.I felt awful today. The boys were going to my SIL for a 4th of July party...and I did not have anyone to watch Cole today...so she stayed home with him instead of going. Thank goodness I have her..My family does not live by. And except for Jim's parents.who have helped with the kids. .the extended family seems very busy with their lives and summer. In some ways it wold be nice to get a phone call saying..we know Jim is gone and you are alone..how are you?..then again..as I have said a million times...it is pretty clear where we stand at....A lesson well learned..a simple phone call or card can be such a blessing on the harder days.

Some of you already know this...but I wanted to share here that Friday I had a small issue. When I got to the breast center they wanted to do a clear scan...so I got prepped for that. While the lady was doing the scan I kept noticing she was looking in two different places and measuring in both those areas...Of course I asked what was going on..and of course she said the Dr would talk to me.

Then they told me that the DR had called my surgeon and she needed to speak to me. The news was they fond a second mass. She needed my permission to do the second procedure with the wire to have it ready for the DR to remove during surgery later that day.

The thing that I wake up thinking deep in the night is...Did they just miss the second mass? or was this new? The idea that they misused it is hard for me to swallow. I have had mammograms,ultrasound and a MRI..

Wow...I think I just felt numb...scared...alone and overwhelmed ..all at once. So I said of course..we want to get everything out at once.

That procedure was very difficult and painful. The DR there was very nice and very gentle but made it clear that the second one was also in a tricky place and we would have to work to get the wire behind that area. She also tried to aspirate it ..per Dr request..and could not it was solid. So I had a bleed inside the breast from that while made things swell immediately. OUCH.

After getting both wires in two total opposite sides of my breast and then having two mammograms..It was time to go to the surgery center. I have never felt my legs shake so much walking into that center. If I could of "changed my mind" I may just of ..

The lady who was my nurse was someone I knew from school and she had been my nurse when I delivered Emily. So it was nice to see a friendly face.

The DR came and spoke to me..and was very honest. He is concerned and he knows that this is something that has to be dealt with now..and it now has been. He did say that we needed to make a diagnosis if there was one and deal with it hardcore..or get good results back and move on..so I can deal with the rest of my treatments and get well. Was nice to hear that someone expects me to get well...I also expect I will get well...but it never hurts when the DR says the same thing.

They gave me some wonderful I could care less drugs...and I was much better. The wonderful nurse there said..we say yes to drugs here...Thank you...for that...and too bad no take out...lol

The dr did speak to me afterwards and explained that I will have a long recovery. He had to remove my nipple area to get to both places..and of course it had to be two separate incisions. He also took some areas in my arm pit..so needless to say I am sore. I get to wear this wonderful so not VS bra for 3 weeks day and night with compression packs..Repeat after me..OUCH. My sweet daughter was helping me and she said..Oh mommy will your boob always be black..I sure hope not Emily..lol

My meds have kicked in and I have been getting sick from them. I think with the pain meds and the other meds I am on and treatment..it is too much...so I am going to go lay down and NOT move if I can help it.

I also have some mouth sores from my treatment..which make things seem a little harder also.

Ladies..We are always honest here...right? I am scared. I do not know what to think about the second mass. Was it there and was missed...or is it new? I also know and I have said this week to someone I trust ...I know luck has nothing to do with God. But on my weaker times I can not help but think..the more times we roll the dice..the odds can turn out bad. I mean every time they look we find something. Why? My body is letting me down..and my heart is a little hurt...

I am trying hard to not do the what ifs...but my goodness...what if...I am already struggling so hard with the other..we still may need to operate on the masses on the chest wall...and now these...

I just do not know how all this has happened and so complicated.

I so want to end this with I am sure it will all be okay...but tonight I just do not have it in me..even to fake it.

I guess I will just say...I know God will be here with me..I wish maybe tonight he would yell a little louder...stop my mind from thinking...I miss my husband tonight..and wish he were home already. But he will be home soon.

Sorry to be a downer..I am just a little overwhelmed and scared.

Love to all of you...

I Love These.

Wow..I read this comment this morning as i am about to leave for the hospital...How perfect is this for today?

Krissy said..I saw a quote today and felt the need to share it with you "Faith is taking the first step... even when you don't see the whole staircase."

I swear I need to tattoo that on my forehead..

Imbeingheldhostage said..My mom used to tell me the story about how a pearl is made by constant friction, etc... and I'd say, "I don't aspire to be a pearl, I am more than happy just to be a grain of sand".

Wow...what a wonderful story..Love it. I will be a grain of sand ..How about You?

Sparky'sGirl..said..One of my favorite sayings is "If the devil is fighting you, then he hasn't got you yet!" So when things are falling apart I always remind myself "The Devil hasn't won yet, or he wouldn't even bother with me!" (((HUGS)))

I really like this..and I am going to make sure the Devil never wins...


And for the life of me I can not recall who said this one..but I love it..

Amy strive to be the type of women that the devil says..Oh crap she is up again today..

There are tons more I have gotten and I am going to blog more of them..

First Came the....

First came the mammogram...I had never had one but the oncologist wanted me to have one..just a a precaution...

Then came the...Can you come back for a second mammogram? I am thinking to myself..I am never doing this again..cause I hate that they are finding "things"

Then came the ..we need a ultrasound...My goodness...I am going to be so glad when I get the all clear..and I am not going to be happy when it is time for my next mammogram..

Then came the...we need to do a MRI..I can not even begin to explain the thoughts I had while I was laying on my tummy with my boobs in these little containers and being in a machine for an hour..But I do know I was thinking..Never Ever Again..lol

Then came the oncologist saying...you need to see a surgeon..well great...ok

So I went to this wonderful surgeon...and waited a LONG time.

While I waited...I got to wear this wonderful gown..

As I sat there I noticed my toes looked kind of rough and needed a pedicure..

Then I spent some time wondering what was in that Yellow envelop. You see it over there..The one that is just thrown over there like it is no big deal...

As I should of known..It showed that I would need surgery...and that is what I am doing in 4 hours...

While I complained about the mammogram and finding "something". I lay here tonight and I think..Thank you God for guiding me to the right Dr to send me to have it done. And please please please make the news this morning a good outcome.

I can not help be remember the last time I went in..I came out with shocking news and my life forever changed...

I can not help but wish Jimmy was here with me ...but he will be back soon enough.

My message to you..GET YOUR MAMMOGRAM..

Wordless Wednesday

Well you know me so this is not really wordless...

Sweet Cole is having a really hard time lately. He is at a age where he does not understand some of the changes that are going on in our lives. Heck I do not understand the changes..and I am a adult.

So I have been taking him with me when I have certain appts. I also have been talking to him about my operation this Friday. So he knows it is happening. I do not want him to worry that when I leave the house I am going to come home with Boo Boo's ( Cole Tre Words) and him not expect it.

So today he went with me to my DR appt and for my labs. He held my hand and said he was helping me be brave.

God so very blessed me with my sweet boy..