Tuesday's Tribute

Have you ever felt alone? Ever felt like everyone is only concerned with their own life issues? If we were honest we have all had days where we have felt that way...

Before I even started a blog I spent a LONG afternoon reading someones blog name Meaghan. I remember thinking wow..how can anyone go through what she did and handle it so well. I was and still am in awe of her strength.

I have to shake my head..because life sure does have a way ..huh? A few months later..I was facing a very scary time..and I remembered Meaghan. I tried to remind myself that I also could be strong like Meaghan. And there started a friendship.

Yes I wanted to tell you how wonderful and strong Meaghan is and how she inspired me to dig deep and fight. But there is something else. Meaghan has not just fought her battle and moved on. She has not forgotten about all of us who are still fighting . She has started a wonderful program called Spirit Jump. This is my reminder that I am NOT alone. There are wonderful people out there who care about others in the world ...

Spirit Jump has made some of my hardest days brighter. There have been days that I have driven up from treatment and see a box...what a true blessing. There have been cards and a beautiful angel for my key chain..a willow angel..a purse...a necklace ...and on and on..I have been so very blessed by Spirit Jump. I will never forget the wonderful kindness of everyone who donates.

Another things that Spirit Jump has done is send gifts to Philip. He received a tag blanket that our whole family fights over. We LOVE it.

One thing I know for sure is my blog family is filled with wonderful giving ladies and yes a few wonderful men. Please go visit Spirit Jump and join their raffle. And maybe even more special...bless someone who is driving up from a DR appt or treatment with a card or a gift. I can tell you from my heart. It has been the best medicine...

Thank you...SPIRIT JUMP.

Questions and Answers ...Part Two..

Ha..here I go again...thinking someone here cares enough about my boring life to ask questions for me to answer...so come on...keep asking...and I will keep answering...lol.


Skeopple asked me...how can she help.

Each of you who come here and support me are doing more then you know. This is not just words..it is the truth. There was a time where I had NO idea that anyone could care less about me or what happened with me or our family. Wow you each have shown me just how wrong I am. On my very worse days ..I KNOW without a doubt I can come here and someone will be here within minutes to say just what I need to hear...day or night..so see..Skeopple...you are helping me...each and everyday. Thank you. Thank you ALL.


Cathy asked..how long will you be recovering from your surgery? How is Philip doing? Is there anything I can do to help you?

Philip is having some pretty hard days. To be honest I am not sure what to say. Things are just hard with him right now. He is still healing and that in itself is hard and takes time. But the other issues are what is concerning me..he is having very severe headaches..and they make it hard for him to even get out of bed. He also has been falling a lot. Three times in the last two days. I just do not know what is going on. When we spoke to the nuero Dr he explained about the fluid in the brain and the ventricles..maybe that is part of it. We will keep a close eye on the shunt. And of course the mass in the brain stem.
One thing I wanted to answer also is..we are still moving ahead with the testing for the other hospitals. But we have to wait a few more weeks. All the DR agreed that Philip needed to heal from his operation. The testing would put a strain on his shunt which we do not need right now while he is healing. We also need to let his new machine and catcher scar some ..so it does not become dislodged.
He will be scheduled for a vascular MRI mapping of his brain...next.

As for my operation...I am not really sure. I do know that the mass is behind the nipple area which means it is harder to get vs the meatier part of the breast. This is why the Dr will go ahead and remove the whole mass while in there..so he will not need to go back in. I also know I will come home with a drain. I guess a lot will depend on what the mass shows..

Just you asking and caring ...means a lot to me...more then you know.


Tracy asked...How are you holding up with Jim away? And when do you think he may be able to come back home?

Great question and a hard question...I miss Jimmy ...alot. I am lonely and I am alone. I guess it is a hard place. No one mentions he is away. So no one seems to mention I am alone. Then again I know it could be odd for them to mention it also. I guess maybe it would be nice if family could call and ask how things were going alone. But family can be odd ....and maybe it is hard for his family to bring it up. Then again it is hard for all of us. I hate him being so far away and us not being able to see each other. But I guess maybe it will make our reunion even more special. I hope so. It will be a few more weeks before he is able to come home. Thanks for the support Tracy.

Just a sweet mommy day...

I swear God knew just what I needed when he made me a mom...


This Morning Cole rolls over ( yes he has been sleeping with me lately ) and he sniffs me and says...Mommy you smell like roses...Ahhhh....Gotta love that...

A little while ago he came in and had a brush and was singing ...YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL by James Blunt..( yes I have a James Blunt CD and maybe I have been drowning a few tears in it lately) But when Cole sings it to me..it makes me smile...

Today I had to go to the surgeon's office for some labs for my surgery. Then we had to go to a section called the breast center. As serious as can be..Emily says..wow maybe I can get me some bigger breast here...I did not have the heart to tell her..that was usually where they take the breast.


So I then explain to Emily that he breast are fine..and she says as serious as can be...well they are like small chicken cutlets..OMG what did she say?

Cole just came in here and said..Mommy can we make a water park in the bathroom...Umm...NO..remind me to watch him today if he decides to spend some time in the bathroom and lock the door.

REPEAT..NOT MONDAY

Okay many of you have wondered about the panty issue...I seem to have a little history of medical issues and no panties...so I thought I would do a little rerun of a DEC NOT MONDAY..that is about...well yes..panties or lack of..enjoy...lol

1. I did NOT go to a DR appt Friday without any panties on. That would be tacky.

2. I did NOT do this non underwear thing because I hate to do laundry and was thinking this could be some miracle help to save me loads of laundry. NOT ME..lol

3. I did NOT then have a panic when the nurse tells me to strip down and put a gown on because the DR was going to do a test on me.

4. I did NOT have a serious OMG what am I going to do when the nurse said be sure to leave your panties on.

5. I did NOT cringe when she said leave the gown untied in the back. Is she serious? Yep.

6. I then did NOT stand there rubbing my hands over my face saying THINK AMY ..THINK fast. Panic was what comes to my mind.

7.. I then did NOT stand there thinking OMG what in the world am I going to do. And I then did NOT look at some items they had on the cart. There is NO way I would consider trying something with a glove. I am dead serious. I did NOT stand there trying to make it work. Just FYI the Glove would not work. What was I NOT thinking. Panic was getting worse.

8. I then did NOT think maybe I can do something with a sock. And yep..there was no socks on my feet with my flip flops. Dangit. Amy wear the extras...Like underwear ...socks..

.9. I then did NOT just think I needed to go to some type of mental help therapy when I found out that the test would be a shock electrical test where my legs may fly up and down. WHAT? You are NOT serious. Yep. I can see it now. Me no panties on and my legs flying up and down and all around.What was I thinking? Seems like when I got dressed that day I was NOT thinking

.10. I then did NOT think..oh well strip down Amy and be glad you lost almost 95 pounds. It could be worse NOT.

11. I then did NOT think...I have my Not Monday post. NOT ME. HA

12. I did NOT have a split second wonder of did I really Pee Pee on my 4 year old.. I had just woken up and had to check... well things happen. LOL. Oh BTW even if you ask Cole...I really did NOT pee pee on him. LOL

Questions and Answers..Part One

Okay you asked and I answer....

You all asked some wonderful questions...I am going to answer a few each day this week...

I would love for each of you to keep asking questions..I love that you ask and they make me think...


Grace asked...How did we pick Reed's name and what is the one thing I love best about him.

To be honest I am not sure how I even thought of the name Reed. I do not recall when I even heard it for the first time. We do not know anyone who is named Reed so it must of just been a name I heard and it clicked.

What I Love best about Reed. There are so many things. But I can tell you that Reed is the sweetest child I know . He is so sweet and so emotional in many ways. He was the best baby I had. And has grown into the most wonderful young man. He has the most gentle heart. He has never been in trouble except for the...clean your room or else.. God so blessed me when he allowed me to be Reed's mom.


Bluesuede asked me If I loved her best...

I know she already knows the answer to this..but of course I do..how could I now. She has been nothing but supportive on the good and the bad days since day one. What a blessing to know ..no matter what ..I have her support...so yes..I love you BEST..


Holly asked what family support I have here locally ..

Jim's parents live here in town. They have been a wonderful help with the children over the years while we have taken care of Philip's medical issues. In fact I am not sure what we would of done without them. In fact my MIL and I have spent weeks sleeping in ICU waiting rooms...
Jim's sister lives about 45 minutes away. Reed has been spending a lot of time there lately earning money working at the church .. going towards his youth church trip. This has been a wonderful blessing for Reed. I have been joking that Aunt Anne and Uncle Jay can not claim Reed on their taxes..lol
The rest of our family is busy with their own families. And a few of them seem to judge me rather then support me...why? I am not sure. I am trying my best..that is all I can do. Really in the end ..that is all we can do...Right?


Sussie asked..what is something you want to do with the kids before the summer is over?

Go to Wet and Wild...LOL. For years we have planned to go and never seem to get there. In fact Emily saw that if we go once we can go free for the rest of the year free. Since it is by Philip's DR in Orlando we could go often., we just have not . The last time we went was 8 years ago. That in insane. The kids ask every year and for some reason life gets in the way. Life has a way of doing that. Huh? Maybe not this summer.


Karen asked....what is your favorite drink..

Diet Coke...and StarBucks..( I am so cheap I never go there ...)

Okay..I think this was a good start...I will answer more tomorrow. I think I am sort of boring...

If you have a question..ask away..I will answer..

This and That...

Would you believe me if I said I was in a funk...Cause I am ...and I really am not happy about it. I hate being in a funk..it seems to wear me out. Then again the more I try to get out of it..the more I seem to be in it...so....hummm...

Tomorrow will be a new day...right?

I am resting my leg/knee. It is doing better. It is sore...and I am over it. But it could be a lot worse. So I am feeling really blessed that it was found early and is healing. I went and had my clotting level drawn again. I am sure it is fine. I will get the results back tomorrow.

I also find out tomorrow about my surgery. If it is still a Go or if it needs to be canceled. If it is a GO I will have a lot of appts this week getting ready...

So back to me and my funk...not sure what is going on...I have felt a little down and lonely. Not lonely ...like lonely..cause I have 4 kids here all the time..but lonely for my DH..lonely for someone here that cares for me and how I am and what I am thinking, feeling , wanting and needing. Just lonely in general. and yet I am honest enough to say I am a little anxious about when Jimmy comes home. I am sure most of you can understand where I am coming from...

I guess I just feel frumpy and grumpy and sluggish...did I mention I am in a funk?

Small Issue..

For the last few days I have had this odd nagging ache in my leg/knee area. I ignored it and joked with Emily I was getting old..I also kind of thought I was falling apart..

Guess what...I am falling a apart just a little..lol

So yesterday my knee/ leg got much worse...so I finally spoke to my Dr and they sent me to the ER. I have had a clot before and was on a blood thinner in the past ...so the DR was concerned.

Ummm..can you say ..NOT HAPPY...lol

So after waiting for my blood work to come back..and having IV meds and fluids...I decided to just sleep...

Seems my toenails were the topic of conversation with the male nurses and tech. Three of them told me they liked the color...Ummm Thank you..odd but sweet...

Then the not so peppy vascular tech came to get me...She made sure to tell me that she had to wake up to come in ..she was on call..and did not even have time to brush her hair..I think she was not overly happy...

So then I waited and waited...and watched tons of Fox News...and waited.

Yes I have a blood clot...Thank Goodness it is in a NOT awful place..but it is a issue. It is being dealt with...and I will just deal with it...even if I am not happy about it...lol

I finally got to come home at 5 am with strict orders to rest and elevate and well...BLOG ALL WEEKEND...

And just for those of you who know that I have a bad habit of going to DR appt with no panties on..I did come back home and put panties on before I went to the ER. Learned my lesson..lol

Hurry and Join The Swap..

If you enjoy Swaps then hurry and check out this one..It sounds like a lot of fun...

Good Night..

Ummm...I am wondering if I scared you people off...I mentioned something about a fundraiser ..a $1 donated each time someone asked me if I had scheduled my Breast surgery...and now ya'll do not ask...HAHA.

In case you did not know it...I was joking..LOL

So ...not that you asked lately...but it is schedule for next week...It should be about 3-4 hrs total....and I have to say now that it is scheduled..I am nervous...I guess I just do not want to have another surgery...I do not want to deal with it..I do not want to be down and out for anymore time..for healing...Somehow I can not help but be a little shocked at how much my life has changed in the last 6 months...5 operations and bags of meds , treatments...etc. Just goes to how ...how quickly life can change. Also reminds me what is really important in life..

I am working hard on trying to control my worries and my fears. This new feeling of anxiety is very hard and something I have never really dealt with. I have been leaning of GOD more then I ever have. And I have to say..that while things seem harder right now...I FEEL GOD with me..and the more I lean on him...the more I feel his LOVE.


BTW Cole promises me that we are getting married tomorrow...His little face just lights up when he tells me that...then again he is usually looking at Emily to tell her..he is not going to marry her..LOL

Tomorrow I am going to start answering some of your questions..wow ..you all are doing great...Keep sending me your questions...I am so excited to answer them...we will see if you enjoy the answers..

Good Night my friends..God willing I will wake up tomorrow and enjoy the day that He blessed me with.

Wordless Wednesday

Yes..He was saying..Aunt Amy...come pick me up...and I did just that...

Is he not so darn cute?

Good Morning

Well darn..I have been up for hours . I am tired and at the same time too wound up to sleep.
I am not too sure what exactly I have on my mind..but I wish it would go away. FAST.
I mentioned before about having some anxiety...it seems to of taken a toll the past few days. Just a overall feeling of dread...and when I stop and think about what exactly I am dreading..it seems like a lot of everything. It is not about the things you would think I would be worrying about. It is about everything and anything...crazy stuff. Wears me out..and keeps me wound up..not a great mixture. I spent some time researching it online and found a few thoughts on the subject. Baths, Candles, relaxing music, medications . I know that for now..adding any new medications is something I need to try to avoid. I am already on more meds in one day then I have been ever total in my life...I am not anti medication...just know it can react with my mixture already...but if it keeps up I guess I will be forced to talk with my Dr about my options.
The bath and candles and relaxing music sounds nice..huh?

This morning Cole is going to the dentist for the first time with Emily. I know he should of already of gone.but well...he has not..but he is today...Wish us luck..and you know I will take and share some pictures today.

Speaking of Cole..he tells me daily that we are getting married...then he looks at Emily and says..are you jealous E? Aahhh...And if I am really lucky he will stare at her and kiss me and then say..Oh sorry I am all out of kisses for you E....too bad..I can not explain to you how much I love my little man..God truly blesses me.

Remember to send me some questions..not that I think I am too interesting...or special. I just love when some of you ask things and make me think...I swear I have the best BLOG BUDDIES. You all have helped me more then you know...

Curious?

I did this before and really enjoyed it...so I thought let's try it again...Ready? I would love each of you to join in..and yes you also..you..yes the lurkers...I know you are there...LOL

Ask me a question or two and I will work on answering them. They can be about Philip..Me...my other amazing children..Jim...whatever you wanna know..I may be able to answer..

This could be fun..so jump in and ask...

New Medication..

As many of you know..Philip has a mass that is in a very hard place. He also has suffered a stroke and has damaged areas to his brain. The area that the mass is in is a very vassular medication..Which makes headaches a daily hrad reality. We have tried so many medications I for these headaches...in addition to a morphone pump he gets meds from daily..nothing has worked. Today he started a new medication...
The relief of RELPAXRELPAX relieves migraine pain and symptoms, such as nausea and sensitivity to light and sound. RELPAX even works on the worst migraines.How RELPAX works RELPAX is believed to block the release of substances from nerve endings in the brain:
These substances cause the swelling of blood vessels around the brain. This swelling is thought to cause migraine pain
These substances are also thought to cause other symptoms of migraines, such as nausea and sensitivity to light and sound Clinically proven, long-lasting migraine relief:
Two clinical studies have proven that with RELPAX 40 mg, more people got relief of migraine pain with just one dose than those taking Imitrex®* 100 mg
And, with RELPAX, more people were pain-free within 2 hours and for up to 24 hours, than those taking Imitrex®†
Many RELPAX patients feel rapid pain relief - some within 30 minutes
Eletriptan can cause serious side effects on the heart, including heart attack or stroke. Although these side effects are rare, do not use this medication if you have a history of heart disease, angina (chest pain), blood circulation problems, ischemic bowel disease, severe or uncontrolled high blood pressure, or history of a heart attack or stroke.

So I am keeping a open mind..and a prayerful heart...what a blessing it would be if it could help him feel even a little better. I hate for him to be in so much pain...everyday. He deserves better...

Is it okay to Wish Today away..just a little?

I can so tell today is Monday..Is it bad to be looking so forward for the day to end? You know I had a friend tell me once not to wish away my days...but I think since it is Monday ..maybe it is just expected...lol

Today I went to get a new medication for Philip filled. I almost had a heart attack...It is a $50 co payment for 6...yes SIX pills. He so needs this medication to help with his vascular issue causing his severe headaches...But ouch...I must admit I am a tad stressed about this...Especially since if he had to have the max dose it is 2 pills in a 24 hr period...Okay deep breathe...in and out...SLOWLY..lol


I got a call today. They want me to drop off my films for my breast surgery. We will be getting the final schedule in the next day or so...Funny how I was not too concerned about it or the outcome until I get the call back today trying to schedule it..Now it seems to be on my mind ...non stop. It will be GOOD to get it done and behind me..Move beyond it ...one step in the forward direction...is better then always looking back. So I took the leap last week and called and said..get my scheduled...and you all thought I could not follow your directions..of get that darn breast surgery scheduled ASAP. See I can learn..


I am feeling odd about being here alone..especially with having my surgery done. In many ways it makes me miss Jim all the more. But in truth...I miss the old Jim and know this is the steps needed to help him find himself again. So my heart is a little conflicted...and yes I am emotionally tired and Physically too. For some odd reason I have been having some pretty severe anxiety. I never could imagine how hard that is to deal with. The mind can play havoc on us...and mine seems to be doing just that.

I sometimes wonder....I saw this sign the other day and it said If everything is coming at you ...you are on the wrong path...Not sure what other path I can take. So for today I look towards heaven and ask God..show me the path and guide me down it...

Quick Philip Post

I wanted to let you know I am going to be working on the next stage of Philip's story....I hope each of you will enjoy reading about Philip's miracle. I also think it will allow each of you to understand his medical issues a little bit more.

I also wanted to let you know I received a 5 page letter from the awesome Dr at UofM . I read it and just shook my head. Funny how living it is one thing..but reading it all at once can feel overwhelming..

We have to wait a few more weeks before we can do the follow up testing..he is due to have a MRI mapping test..of the vessels in the brain..to deal with the area of the mass pressing on the brain stem. It is in such a "bad" place they need to check the vascular paths.

The reason we are having to wait is...due to his new machine and the cathers that are in his spine up into the brain area..they need them to scar in a little more. They do not want to pull with the magnet of the scans and dislodge them. There is metal on the machine and the tips of the cathers. So we are taking this time to work on Philip healing ..physically and emotionally.
He is still going up on his seizure meds and we are working on the correct dosage of the morphine pump..

Baby steps...

As anxious as I am for us to move forward on Philip's medical issues..I think this is God's way of saying...slow down...heal your body and your heart. I know God knows best and I know he has always held Philip in his grip....he knows the right path and if I am still and listen...he will guide me down that path..and help me know what is best for Philip...

Thank you ALL who are on Philip's team..I am in awe of how blessed we are..So many of you post comments and email me and call. You have no idea how much each of those simple acts mean to us. And for my lurkers..I LOVE LOVE LOVE when you comment.

Odds and Ends at 3 am..

Tonight or should we say this morning...I seem to have a lot on my mind..and no matter how much I try to sleep it is not happening.
I spent some time in prayer tonight ...I feel so thankful that a few weeks ago I hit rock bottom and decided that I just can not and should not try to "fix" or "control" how things are going to be. I almost feel a since of great relief just turning it over. Because if I were to be honest with myself..I seem to not be doing a good job of fixing anything. I guess I am just thankful for my rock bottom..because since that day "me emotional rock bottom" I just feel like I have a sense of freedom...I am not running, hiding or always controlling everything...and while this all sounds wonderful....It is still very hard for me. I have found myself taking it minute by minute...

I feel so blessed in many ways....My children are such a wonderful source of love and complete crazy love ...I just feel so thankful to be their mom.

I have to say I miss my family. It just seems so wrong to be so far away from them. I know I have my family here with Jim and the kids...but with everything being so "off" it makes me miss my family even more.

My sister and Derek played on my heart strings ....with me holding my perfect sweet nephew...they told me if I wanted to come there and live they would take the daycare money and rent me a house..and I could take care of "our" baby. We all knew that was not possible..but for a split second..all I could think of was..hummm...that baby is so darn sweet...I would love love love to have him in my home with us everyday. He is the best medicine...and did I mention that he looks at me and I just melt?

Speaking of family. I had to sorta laugh. My MIL and I had a heart to heart blunt talk the other day. And she mentioned how she knew I had blogged about Jimmy. I told her yes I had and what I had said. I love how she "seems to find out" what is in my blog. I would like to think it is because people care...but some days it makes me wonder...Oh well. I feel like I have been nothing but respectful with anything I have said in my blog...about any and all of our family issues. So I guess it is good that she "hears" what is posted. As long as I post from my heart...how can it be wrong or bad?


I wish it was not 3 am..I just can not sleep and I know it will be a problem in the morning when I have to drag myself to the lab... Then I have a DR appt...so I know I should go to sleep...yet my mind if going a mile a minute..



Don't ya'll wish we could just turn off our minds when they try to take control of us ?

Today

Well today was a really hard day for Emily. She has missed her daddy all day...and I can not blame her. It is hard for it to be Father's Day and not be able to even talk to your daddy on the phone.

After all my magical words failed to make things better...I just let her cry and get it all out...

I love that she loves her daddy so much...what a sweet relationship they have..

So we are home and getting to bed...

So glad today is over...it has been a long hard one..

My Natural Xanax...

Need I say more?

Of course I do not but you know I will...

Talk about a blessing straight from God...

I just LOVE my sweet baby nephew Jackson...way too much...

Isn't he the cutiest thing? Doesn't he look like he so loves his Aunt Amy? LOL

He and I are like peanut butter and jelly..we belong together..

Thoughts found online..

Meekness is calm confidence, settled assurance, and rest of the soul.
It is the tranquil stillness of a heart that is at rest in Christ. It is the place of peace.
Meekness springs from a heart of humility, radiating the fragrance of Christ.


The meek will be at rest in the storms of life …
(Matthew 11:28–30; Psalm 37:7; Hebrews 4:1–11)

Me...Today

Today I am reminding myself that I am NOT in control and that I MUST have faith ...because without faith ...I feel like I do not have much left...

So I once again ask for prayers for me to NOT try to control things...To take a step back and let things have time to repair themselves...

And to not have a harden heart but also not such a sensitive heart...

Maybe I can find a balance..wouldn't that be wonderful?


I will be back to blog in a day or two...I am just taking things one day at a time..

I am so blessed by each of you..Thank you all...

You are invited to...a Party

My goodness my amazing friend Jill is having a wonderful One Year Blog Party...and the wonderful thing is...we get the gifts..how sweet is that?

So come visit her Party and take a few minutes to read her wonderful message. She is such a special lady...I just know God sent her my way..and I am thankful for her daily words.

Tell her Amy sent you...

Okay.go...go..fast...Now...

A Wonderful Message of Love....

Not so long ago I meet a wonderful Lady Rachel who has offered my family so much support over the last few months. Today I have been truly blessed to read a special blog post ..I invite you to visit her blog and see what a wonderful blessing her message is today. I promise you ..it is special.

Christmas in July Sawp

Christmas at Angies' spot ...Swap

Baby April Rose..

This has been heavy on my heart for days. I know there are many people out there who are upset with B ..and I can understand why. But this is not what that post is about. Deep down I think we all know B is not healthy and I pray she gets the help that she so needs. Her cry of helps were not clear but in the end they have been heard...Now it is her time to heal...I pray for her ...I think she has a long road ...

For me the baby Rose issues stirred a lot of emotions. I am sure they are many that you also felt. I grew to love B and her baby Girl Rose. I would read post and tweets about her laying down and feeling her baby move around late at night..and I dreaded and yet was anxious to hear the news of when she was born. I worried myself sick that she was giving birth at home..because I have seen what medical care can do in some issues. I wanted Baby April to have every chance.

With that being said...B's post caused a stir in me. I began to question MYSELF because of her post. I would read her post and think ..wow if I could only be as strong as she is. if I could only have as much faith as she has. If I could only hold on to hope at all cost and not have any anger. If I could be more like B was...IF IF IF IF....

Each time I would log on her page and see Philip's button so big on her page...I thought and said to many...wow how in the world can she care about me and my issues when she has such a burden in her heart and life right now. When she would email me about my issues and "talk" with me...it made me think ...she really is just amazing..I wish I could be more like her...how can she be so strong and do so much. Each week she had my personal story and Philip's with my blog link..and I never had to ask her to do it. She would email me and ask how things were ... She asked about my blog and my story..she would ask about Philip.. Once again...wow...Do you notice a theme..WOW..she is all that...I put her up on a pestle...

When we all thought baby April Rose was born..I posted a tweet saying..Welcome to the world Baby Rose..your mom and you are already so loved by many. And I meant it with all my heart.
I prayed and I cried and I cheered with joy. But in my heart..I felt guilty. I thought to myself...maybe God changed the outcome because B had trusted so very much. Maybe he blessed her with the gift of April Rose being alive because she was " a better trusting mother". I know and knew deep down that God does not work that way...But in a few moments I could not help but have this nag. And yet I was in awe of the miracle of April Rose and her mommy B.

Somehow..I just feel so sad about this. I am so very happy that there was not a baby April Rose..and yet in a weird way I still mourn her loss in a way. I now know B is sick and hurting and yet I am just sad that there was no happy ending for B and D ...with them coming together for the love of baby April Rose.

Walking The Walk Today...

I wrote yesterday that I had a break through...or a melt down ...or a life changing moment...but whatever it was...I am thankful for it. It was a hard day...and yet I got through it...with the blessing of God and the support of each of you...thank each of YOU. How very blessed I am to have such a team of supporters.

One thing was clear yesterday is...you all are very wise and so true to your spiritual walk. Thank you for holding my hand yesterday and helping me. Your words and thoughts meant so much to me. Without sounding dramatic..I felt broken and you guys were like glue that held me together.

One thing that was clear yesterday is...I am trying to do too much..Fix things that I Can not fix...control things that I can not control...and it is causing me problems in other areas in my life. I am trying too hard in areas that NO matter how hard I try it will not be fixed...and not focusing on the area of my life that is the clear answer.

Staying up half the night because I can not sleep...trying to pretend that everything is fine..and not wanting to have things change here is NOT a real solution to my reality. Lack of sleep, being tired, meds and worry can play games with your mind if you are not careful. That makes a person not pay attention to what they are doing ..enough is enough.

The reality is...I am one person and doing the best I can. I am going to learn to take some time for myself..and when I shut my door it means I am wanting to be left alone. Not to keep banging and asking me if you can do such and such or he did this or that. Did you know that sometimes a child..a pre teen and teenager needs to hear NO..heck NO..and sometimes us adults need to hear that also.

So with that being said...I know I can not run around acting like all is okay..and keep the manic pace I feel like I am in...Down time..is not a bad word. Even for kids...Right?

Yesterday it hit me..How can I focus on anything I am doing when the phone is ringing..email is going off and the text messages coming in...and at the same time..I am trying to get things done so I can come home to rest from my meds. and suppose to be someplace else.
It can cause a bad outcome..tears...short fuses ...mistakes and half taken care of issues.

I have felt a little like a hamster on his wheel ...going going going...yet getting no where.

I am taking the advice of a wonderful friend..I am letting go of any guilt I have and looking forward ....looking back is not going to help...Guilt sucks ...I wonder how long it takes to go away...

It became clear to me..God needs to be in control..and I need to take a step back. I have said the words he is in control...and yet at the same time...doing things my way ...I am going to try not only saying teh words..but LIVING the words..

Yes there are things I have to deal with..and I will. But there are things I do not have to deal with...or fix..or control.

So yes I am off the cliff..I did not jump on my own..I was pushed...but I would like to think God is just as pleased...As long as I am off the cliff I end up in the same place..In his gentle care...

So my message is...yes God has been knocking on my heart with gentle reminders about areas of my life...I think he beat me over the head with a baseball bat. I opted to listen..


So here is reality today. I am a mom or 4 children. .One who is very sick and we have no idea what the outcome will be. He has a very long road ahead of him..and I can not fix him no matter how hard I try. I am working on getting myself well and stronger...Physically and spiritually. And for a while I will be doing things alone while my DH gets strong and healthy...so he can come home and be the man he wants to be. That is MY reality...

Short Cuts Do Not make the road any less bumpy.

Walking The Walk...

Let me start this with...this has NOTHING to do with my relationship with Jim..this is not about my marriage..or my relationship with him or anyone else. .period...

This is about my reactions and actions of dealing with my stress....or life issues..or disappointments. Instead of leaning of God FULLY...I have leaned on God MOSTLY....and maybe handled things my way vs what I know would be HIS way.

Have you ever been in a personal conflict? Something that you can not blame anyone but yourself for. Even if you are tired...worn out...worn down...and feel a little broken? Do you sometimes seem one way and yet feel another? Have you ever just not followed your heart and done the right thing? Do you think that sometimes if something is nagging you and you can not seem to break out of a way or thought patten....God will bring you to a place where you have no choice but to confront it...confront yourself ..and your feelings, thoughts and ways? Do you believe that God forces our hand when we are lagging behind with just thoughts and talk vs action and change?
And when he does force our hand and if we do make the right changes...or decisions...or changes our thought patterns...does he then forgive us? Does he help us forgive ourselves? Is it wrong to hold on to guilt towards ourselves if God has forgiven us? I mean who are we....in comparison to God.
I wonder sometimes if we are not harder on ourselves in the forgive dept then God is?
I guess the truth is..I need change today. I need to step back from the drama of my life that I can and try to focus on the drama of it that I am forced to deal with...In some ways I think emotionally I am making things harder then they need to be.not everyday...but some days..maybe.
I need a change...today. I need to walk the walk and not just half walk it or talk the talk...
Reality is...I am being sloppy in some ways and enough is enough.

So today I come to you..my sisters in Christ and ask you to please...do not say I am being too hard on myself. This is not the case...

Pray for me...Pray for me to let go of some of my guilt...and my expectations...Pray that my disappointment would be used to make me closer to God and not try to control things and do too much which leads things into a mess... Remind me that God does forgive and even if he does not forget he does not hold a grudge...

It is time for a change in ME and in MY heart...

Reaching Out To You..Yes You...

Sometimes it feels so hard to pray. I don't know what else to say or how to say it ...even yet where to start.



I have been driven many times to my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I had nowhere else to go.

Abraham Lincoln





Having a little bit of a rough time...so I have been keeping to myself..Ask me how that is working...and I will answer Not so great...So here I am.... reaching out ..to YOU.



First let me say that you all just amaze me. I just do not know how I became so blessed to have each of you take time out of your busy life to not only read my blog but many of you have sent me personal emails. I am so very blessed by each and every one of you.

I know I should not be amazed by how God works in the lives of others. Yet this past week I have just had this feeling of WOW. So many of you shared personal stories of depression ..your own or you spouses. Thank you. It helped me realise I am not alone. Many of you told me that my post reminded you to let your spouse know how much you appreciate how they support you during your harder days or reminded you to support them a little bit more. Never would I have thought my post would of lead to such wonderful messages of hope and love in my email box..In fact I can not begin to tell you how much I wanted to rewind things and not post anything. But maybe God knew some of us needed to be reminded that life is filled with ups and downs....and we all need help sometimes in how we deal with the twist. So thank you for allowing me to share my feelings..and thank you each who shared with me your stories and your spouses stories. While I hate to know many of you are also hurting...I must admit it was nice to know I am not alone.

So see...Yes I so wanted to go back and rewind time and maybe not of written those blog post...God knew it was something that I needed to do. Wow..I sure am glad he is in charge..cause I am just too flighty to know minute to minute what I should or should not do.

So yes I am tired...really tired. Physically, emotionally and in some ways spiritually. I have questioned many things this week. And while doing this..I have found myself being pretty hard on myself. It is hard sometimes to not look in the mirror and wonder what I could or should do different. Part of my problem could be that I have been not only tired but lonely. I miss Jim.

I am working on the details and dates for my operation. It looks like it will be in about 2 to 3 weeks. My labs have been a little off so we are having to make some changes with my treatment for this week. I have been fighting a infection and needed to start on a new medication today. I will have to have platelets this week and then repeat labs. I also will have a MRI and Cat scan over the next two weeks. Then it will be time for my PET scan. I will be getting the date for my BM test in the next two weeks. So a lot of testing and procedures ...Baby steps...It is not a sprint...it is slow and steady...

Philip is just working on healing from his operation. He is still very weak. Today was a hard day for him. He just felt bad and was in a lot of pain. He finally went back to bed around 11 am and just woke up a few minutes ago. Even with the pump and pain meds he still seems to be in a lot of pain. We have raised his seizure meds again this week. We are still working on the details ( testing and finances) for the follow up stay at Sloan . As I posted HERE the Dr at UofM was very kind .Hard to hear what he had to say. I will be praying that the DR at Sloan will have a better option. Praying is all I have left to do as a mom. I feel helpless in so many other ways.

Each of you who email me..call..spirit jump..donate money towards Philip medical bills..( on the button on side of the blog...) and pray for us...I appreciate your support more then you know. In a world that seems to be so focus on itself..you all sure do show a example of what friendship and reaching out to others can do...Thank You.

Just So Darn Cute..

I have been up sick all morning....my treatment has kicked my butt. I woke up very shaky and really sick . I have taken some of my meds and have the heating pad..I hate feeling so shaky It is hard enough to be sick but to be shaky and weak seems to make it so much harder..I think today might just be a really down slow day..and maybe that is just what I need. Okay I am done with giving the illness or cancer anymore attention in this post...I am thinking if I fake it is not here today ...I can make it a better day. Think it will work?

Is it just me or does he look like his hands are in the praying position? I am pretty darn sure he is praying that his Aunt Amy comes to visit him very soon. I need to be held and rocked and loved...oops..I meant of course He needs to be held rocked and loved.

This little sweet baby has kept my heart filled for months ...I love him so much and trust me he will know it. I am his only Aunt and he is my only nephew on my side of the family...so in my selfish eyes..I am thinking we only have each other...Can you see my point of thinking?

I had kind of thought my sister might not "take" so well to this mommy thing and call me and say come and get him...Okay well one can wish..huh?

Sweet Jackson...your Aunt Amy knows you are a gift from God made just for memememememe...and I love you..

Last Post About This Topic...

Tonight I had a call from my mom ...she had read my blog...and was concern. She asked me a honest question...Are you comfortable with having your personal business out there. She also said she was surprised considering how private I have been in the past about these issues.

As I explained to her..I would NOT of shared this info IF I had not had people asking me some very hurtful questions...

When I started receiving emails asking me if Jim had walked out and left me..or was he having a affair...or even one person asked me if I killed him and there was not a LOL after her question...I KNEW that SOMEONE had shared my personal information with someone who shared and shared and like a wildfire....it seemed it was everywhere. I had shared with very few people that anything was "going on" . In fact I was very careful to NOT share it...As you see that did not work out so well with me. Lesson learned...

The problem is when you do not know the facts of something and you share little bits and pieces...it becomes so much more then it ever was...and shame on YOU who felt the need to hurry and be the special one with the "NEWS". Next time please make sure if you are going to gossip you get the facts correct.

With this being said...I am upset. I am hurt. I am frustrated. And being who I am ...and who you all have helped me to become..I need to be blunt here with each of you...I hope you can listen to my heart .

I am not and will not listen or read anything that is nasty mean or judging of my husband. Until you have walked one mile in his shoes you do not know ....He is a man with a heart and feelings. He has stood by me and our children since day one. He has watched OUR son struggle to live for 19 years. He has watched his brother die on a heart transplant list 3 years ago and his sister who lived with us die 5 years ago. He is watching his wife and best friend fight for her life so she can live and be a mother to his children. He has gone to work and told them when he thought he would be laid off that he would do whatever he could to keep his job. And even with a serious back injury he has worked in a store room cleaning out large boxes in between programs...to keep his job. I can not imagine knowing that if I lost my job my wife and child would not have insurance for serious medical treatments. And everyday worry about if I would have a job or not.

My husband did not have a affair..he did not leave us...he did not do some awful thing...

As I said before...years ago Jim seeked treatment for depression . He made some changes in his life and life style that would help him live a healthier happier life...for himself and our family.

A few weeks before Philip's operation..he started to have some personal issues and things became hard...WE took the steps we thought would help and for a while it did. But as time went on..it was clear that things were getting harder and not better.

As a couple we did what we do best...we stood side by side and faced things head on. With the help of his DR..We made some decisions. Decisions to help Jim get better..stronger..healthier...so he can be the man and father he is and wants to be. I admire him for this.

Yes I have been hurt that things have not been going wonderful...yes I am frustrated that Jim could not "snap" out of it...but I have never been as proud of him as I am right now. He is not taking the easy way out...he is facing things head on and working on getting well...just like I am with my cancer.


So let me say this...My husband has not done some awful thing that I need to forgive him for. I said I was frustrated and hurt...but my goodness...what if he had not gone for help and something awful happen...or he continued down this path and got sicker and lost his job or worse. He did and is doing the right thing. He is here for me in sickness and health and I am here for him.

Those of you who want to send me the emails and say mean or awful things...if it makes you feel better..Then Good for you. I hope you or your spouse never have to see just how far you can be pushed without it causing you some heartache.
For those of you who say you hope I can forgive my husband or that he comes home. My husband will be home...soon..and healthier and stronger then he has been in a very long time. I can hardly wait. You have no idea how much I miss him .

A week ago I prayed to God very loud and very clear..that I needed help. God answered my prayers. Maybe more clearly then he ever has. God has done exactly what he wants with Jim and myself. And he is with both of us each step of the way. God blessed us more then you can imagine with the answers to my prayers last week. I am so thankful....

This will be the last time I discuss this topic on my blog. I am done explaining any part of this . I think it is clear how I feel about things. This was not and did not need to become such a big deal. But when I felt that I needed to defend Jim about crazy affair talk and such..I shared the truth. My goodness there are many worse things then someone having a issue with depression and getting help. In fact I think it takes a very strong man to admit it and find a way to fix it ..so he can come back and support his family....

For those who have continued to support me and send me message of hope and prayers for myself and Jim. Thank you so very much. Each of you have lifted me up higher and reminded me that I can come here and share and not be judged.


Now enough of this...can we get back to ...ME ME ME ME...ha..Nah...

How would you all like a few Cole Tre stories? How about a Philip update? Would you like to see my handsome 16 year old with a new hair cut...and of course there is always a Emily story..

And who wants to know my plans to get hot and sexy and well all that before Jimmy gets back..so when he comes back he will be ...well....hummm....

Hearts Are Not Made Of Steel...

Thank you all so very much. If I ever had a doubt I could share my TRUE ..feelings with each of you on my blog...they would be gone after my difficult post on Wednesday. Of course I have never had a doubt that I can be who I am with each of you on my blog...because you have all lifted me higher and held me close on some very hard days. I am so thankful to have each of you.

Today has been a hard day in many ways...and one of them is about my blog. So after feeling very anxious about what to do, what to say, what not to say, worrying about did I say too much and who is saying what...I am doing what I should of done hours ago and coming here and sharing my heart.

On Wednesday I shared this..

I am also dealing with some personal issues. Without going into a lot of details . For right now...The kids and I are living at home alone. This is for the best . I really do not have much more to say about this subject. So if I seem a little different or take longer to get back to you..or do not call you back...It could mean I am having a bad day...or maybe I am just a little busy being a mommy...which lately means alot of extra hugs and kisses...I am blessed.

The reason I did this because I felt like I needed to share it for a few reasons. For one reason is. It seemed that someone had shared this information already with a few people and they were emailing me about this. I felt hurt that something so private was shared . The truth was when you share bits and pieces of a story because you do not know the details...then the DETAILS seem to get bigger and bigger by the minute. I did not share the details because I did not want to, it was personal . I have been very private about the whole subject and tried to be respectful even when I have been hurt or angry some days and wanted to come here and blast.

Once I started getting some emails asking about this and that....and some emails that said things that just could not be further from the truth..I thought the simple statement I made above would be enough to let everyone know...I am fine..the kids are fine..and that I am working through some issues...to let me deal with my family issues and my marriage. Maybe I should of been a little more blunt.

Now with that being said...I have worried all day..and I just can not do it any longer. So I come to you...No my husband is not having a affair. No my husband did not leave me because I am sick or Philip is sick. No my husband is not dead. NO NO NO NO NO...with all that being said...let me tell you what I am willing to share...

Do you see the couple above in the picture? It is US. It is us clinging to trying to find our way. We have been married 22 years ..He is my husband and my best friend and I love him. He is the father to my 4 beautiful children.

But obviously if he is not living here something has changed. This is what has changed. Our son is seriously ill. It has and is taking a toll on all of us. And I am sick. My husband sees me sick every weekend . He sees that things have changed. I am pretty sure he fears if something happens to me he will not only be alone without me but have 4 children and have one son who is so sick that we just do not know what to do one minute to the next. He is human and he is scared . I have to stop myself and think..if you were to take any one of these issues alone ..it is enough to be overwhelming...pile them all up and it cane seem like too much. Trust me..I know...

Now do not get me wrong...He is not perfect..far from it. He has made some mistakes in how he is dealing with everything...and I am hurt with him right now. But in truth he has hurt himself also.

For years Jim has dealt with some serious depression issues. He has taken steps to control it and we have always handled it well as a team. But lately even with meds and counseling ...it just has not been enough. One thing has led to another and well .. ..all heck broke loose. After meeting with his DR yesterday for hours we knew things were at a very serious point and they needed to be dealt with. And they were.

But my husband has decided to do the right thing. He is not taking the easy way out. He has decided to face his issues head on and deal with them. When in reality the easier path would be to ignore all of it and continue on the path of depression and looking for the wrong way to fix it.

I think it takes a real man and a wonderful Father to make some of the decisions my husband has made. And while I am very hurt and frustrated . I am proud of his decisions as of yesterday.

I am going to have avlong road ahead of me. ..and if all goes well maybe Jim will be back home. But in the same way I am sick...Jim is sick..and Jim is hurting and he is worn out and worn down.. We all are.

Today as I was coming from my DR appt I really listened to my CD that a very special friend gave me... the words of a song said it all...Maybe this can explain it better then any words I can..

Broken Hearts need some time..

One Day we'll wake up and find

Life is hard and the pain is real

But the strongest hearts are not made of steel

They are made of tenderness and trust

Sometimes life has it's way with us And

We find it's the heartaches , struggles and scars

That make the strongest hearts...

I pray this is true. Please pray for Jim during this time. While it is hard for me to be here alone...I do have the kids and I have each of you daily offering me prayers and wonderful messages of support. Right now I imagine Jim is feeling pretty alone.

Wow..I feel better getting this off my heart...

She is Doing IT Again..

Dandelion Wishes...

If you have not done a swap from her blog..you are missing out...Hurry she fills up fast..

Our Visit To UM Yesterday

I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down and wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day. But once again, I say amen and it's still raining as the thunder rolls I barely hear You whisper through the rain, "I'm with you"and as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away.”

This is what I thought about in the middle of the night. Yesterday was a hard day. The trip there ..not knowing where we were going. Going down the wrong street. Ending up on a BAD street behind 6 Dade Police cars and the Swat team in the middle of the street...Emily said wow this is like the show 48 hrs. Somehow my GPS got very confused...If she said one more time turn left turn left..makes a U-Turn...damn thing..

But what was hardest was walking in and having to recount everything to a new DR who knew nothing about Philip's medical history. We started with my pregnancy and went all the way through yesterday mornings history. To say it was emotional draining would be a understatement.

The Dr was very kind and very gentle but very blunt. He was different from other Dr we have seen in the past he talked numbers and rates. He spoke to us about the development issues that have happen due to the stroke at such a young age. We discussed in detail about brain damage and trigger to seizures and meds . The list of discussions went on and on...and to be real honest..it seemed like it would never end.. I was impressed that I did not run out of the room..

He asked questions no one had ever asked before...such as the number of times Philip had been on a vent. He then went on to explain to me that this is also a cause for some of the medical problems. While interesting...it was hard to hear. Then again..there was no choice. A child who has had 19 brain operations...lives on a vent from time to time..

The Dr was very shocked that where Philip's mass was at in the brain. He said that most of these types of masses would be on the outside of that area not embedded in the brain where his is. He went into great detail about where it is and why this was a major issue in the past. This was a very uncomfortable topic. In fact It was all I could do to not run out of the room. He explained about the vascular make up of that area. He also said it was one of the most complex areas of the brain. Which means due to the damage that Philip already has there and the mass being there...it is just a really bad situation to be in. He also made it clear that there are very few DR who would ever be qualified to operate on Philip in that area. After talking about odd and percentages... It just puts everything in a really difficult place. I am not going to share the details right now. Because I just can not . But It was the most uncomfortable conversation I have ever had with a Dr ..and trust me..I have had many very bad conversations.

I know so many of you are wanting to know about the details of the appts. Because you care. And I want to share them. I really do. But there were some really hard topics yesterday and some very difficult decisions to be made. Thank you for letting me take my time to focus on Philip's recovery right now. And of course my medical issues.

I am also dealing with some personal issues. Without going into a lot of details . For right now...The kids and I are living at home alone. This is for the best . I really do not have much more to say about this subject. So if I seem a little different or take longer to get back to you..or do not call you back...It could mean I am having a bad day...or maybe I am just a little busy being a mommy...which lately means alot of extra hugs and kisses...I am blessed.

Long Over Due...

Look How Cole Transformed to this cute little man today...

Gosh he is so darn cute.

But not without a battle ...and some nose picking and some dirty looks ....even a are you crazy mom look...

Highlights From Our Road Trip..

See this sweet boy..He said he would help me get to Miami yesterday. He was all excited to go on a long road trip with all of us shoved in a small rental car with tons of junk food. One small problem..Do you all remember he has had a problem lately with throwing up on Emily...AKA car sick..so we started with him needing my sun glasses...doesn't he look so cute. Then he ended up with Chewable Dramine..Doesn't he look drugged. LOL.

Now I would have pictures of Emily next to him but and I quote..." No pictures.." I do not have any make up on". Now the make up she is referring to would be some lip gloss and a little blush.

So go ahead and thank me now...cause I saved you from

seeing Emily with no

make up on...wow..

I rented twilight book four on tape and look back and Emily is sleeping...she swore she was going to stay awake and listen to it..

So as we are leaving Emily says..can we go shop at the new DASH....

Oh Shoot Emily we would but you do not have any make up on...

Feelings...

Aunt Amy Feels The Same Way Tonight Sweet Baby Jackson..

Please Do Not Cry For Me..Aunt Amy Will Be There Soon...

I Love You...

Aunt Amy

Gosh He Is Too Darn Cute..

Here it is 3 am ...and

Here it is 3 am and I am up thinking..imagine that...I have not been online much these past few days...
There have been some personal issues I am dealing with along with the medical issues for myself and Philip. I have been doing alot of thinking and praying non stop. I have to admit I have felt pretty alone these past few days ...YET...I know without a doubt I am not...

This is just a rough patch and this will pass...

I just wanted to let you all know I am okay and taking it one day at a time..baby steps...

I will have a Philip medical update later this week. Please keep him in your prayers. It has been a rough week physically and emotionally. There were some adjustments made to a seizure medication this past week and it has helped. So I am excited about the improvement.

Please keep me in your prayers. I am having to deal with some changes in my life that have not been easy but in the long run may be the very best thing for me. It is odd how things seem to work out that way. The things we dread most end up being the very thing that was long overdue. But still not easy.

And before you ask...LOL.. I do have a call in to the surgeon and will have the date for my surgery and let you know it this week...I promise..really I will..lol. It means so much to know you all care so much...