I have not posted much lately because to be honest...I have been in a bad way. Not your normal bad few days but a period of sorta freaking out.
I have tried to talk myself out of it...I have tried to count my blessings...I have tried to shame myself into getting over this...and yet here I am ...a day of crying and just pure anxiety. Why? I am not sure I even know...
I guess one thing was..Last year I just KNEW that I would make 2009 Christmas wonderful, magical and everything it was not last year. And I can honestly say I have never felt so set up for failure..and know what..It worked..I failed. I can look back and say with my head..you did the best you could...but my heart feels like I did not meet my expectations. And the funny thing is..my expectations were not reasonable.. Christmas is about baby Jesus..not magical memories. I know that...I do..I just need to remind myself of that...
I guess what I wanted was...no cancer..no worries..Philip to wake up happy and cured...and well...me 125 pounds..( okay..lol)
We were so blessed at Christmas. Some very special friends ( you know who you are...) blessed Philip with a kindle. He is so excited and has been looking at the amazon website all week. When he does start some school classes he can download the help books on Kindle.
Spirit Jump so blessed Philip...They won a small notebook and gifted it to Philip. Meaghan is such a wonderful friend and a amazing lady.
So that leads me to tonight...Is it a set up? Cause I have been a mess. I just can not seem to forget just what hard year this has been. And the poor pitiful me can not seem to think tomorrow I am waking up in the same FUNK we have been in this past year. Philip is no better..in fact he is worse...I am still doing treatment and in fact have so many test these next two weeks it is not even funny...and this new year will be without my beautiful nephew. Is it me..or has this been one heck of a hard year?
I think Cole saying to me..you are always at the DR appt instead of with me..Kind of summed up my feelings. I feel like I am not 100% in any area of my life...and in so many areas I am half doing everything.
So I came to you with all of this because I need something...can you please pray for me to work myself out of this awful cycle of depression and anxiety. I sorta feel like I am going crazy. I know that sounds funny but it is sad.
I have been reminding myself non stop that I am blessed..I am alive and I am here ..I have four wonderful children. Philip is alive and here ...I am blessed. and yet I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders..and It could all fall apart in a matter of seconds.
I am praying hard...I am asking god to help calm my worries and fears..
I think that when this new year stuff is over..maybe I will feel better. All this focus on the past year and looking at a new year has got me all ...sad, stressed, mad, hurt , worried and the list goes on. And yet I tell myself I am setting myself up to what or how things SHOULD be...
I want to be thankful and happy and positive for the new year...and yet my heart is hurting and worried. I think I have really just hit a very hard place and am trying to find my way out of it. And it seems that there is more pressure to do that because in a few hours it is a new year...
Is anyone else feeling this way...
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18 comments:
I am claiming PEACE, HEALING and JOY in your life, right now, in Jesus' Name. HE IS ABLE. Thank you Jesus for my friend and that you are holding her, all her cares and anxieties in the Palm of Your Mighty Hand, right now.
Thank you Jesus!
Love you and am standing in the gap for you.
Lisa
I will pray for you sweet Amy!
Amy, I still can't believe you are standing with what you have been through for so long. I can't imagine why you shouldn't have feelings of anxiety. I have them and I'm not going through any of the things you are. It may just be part of being a woman. Your feelings are intensified because of Philip, your cancer, losing Jackson, etc. I wish I was there to help you. Just know that I am always thinking of you and praying that things will get better for you and your family. I really admire all of you.
Oh sweet Amy... I am here. And yes 2009 was awful! Wanna come visit me?
Praying for you my dear friend. If you get chance read the LPM blog for today. I have felt the same you are feeling. It helped encourage me. Maybe it would you too.
I cannot imagine going through all that you have had to endure. I will pray that God will give you comfort, rest and peace in this new year.
I know exactly how you're feeling! Nothing seems to make it better. I will pray for you. And remember, you're amazing! *Gabby
I have felt this way in the past and I sympathize. You can't be 100% in everything, that's just not possible. Never enough of you to go around....
You have my prayers.
xoxo
HAPPY New Year! Yes I feel the same way but it's different for me in some ways. I spent 12 months praying for a miracle and God kept his plans veiled from me. I just read yesterday that we are to pray and NOT worry - we are suppose to let the future up to God. He veils the future from us for a reason. I truly think you are experiencing anticipatory grief. You are on a roller coaster - and that can drive a person insane (at least it did for me).
At this stage in my life (without Jeff) I have absolutely no idea what I'm suppose to be doing for the rest of my life. I don't have Jeff here to validate my existence and I feel lost. I was loved by the "best" and I'm not sure anyone out there can support me the way he did.
I pray that somehow you can do what God wants us to do - "believe, pray and not worry". Put it all in God's hands and take one day at a time. Sometimes if we look at the entire picture - it's too much to comprehend, deal with and quite frankly we are NOT in control.
In rare moments when I just prayed and left the rest up to God - a calm came over me.
I hope this made some sense to you because I feel like I'm babbling.
Hugs - Cheryl
It has been a tough year for you and it is OK to recognize that. It is so much easier for someone who is not walking your walk to tell you it will be OK. I will write your name on a post-it and leave it on my desk and will do my best to say a little prayer of encouragement for you every time I see it.
Happy New Year!
Amy....I am praying that 2010 is filled with blessings for you and Philip. You are so open and honest and always an inspiration to me. Praying that you cast all your cares on Christ....
Oh dear friend, my heart aches for you!
I have felt this way, certainly. Despite the blessings that you mentioned you still have the right to feel down and anxious. You are dealing with a lot and a mother you have to be strong for not only yourself but for others. That's exhausting.
For the record I don't think your thoughts are harsh only human and honest. You are allowed to feel this way so long as you maintain perspective that you will not always feel this way.
I wish you and your family the best new year.
2009 was terrible for me. I was surrounded by death, including my dear mother. I cried most of the day 12/31. It is now a new year AND new decade, and I will move on.
Oh sweet lady...praying for amazing you and your family each day..I will pray extra hard for you to get relief and peace during this difficult time. I want to thank you for being honest and sharing your heart.You have gone through and continue to deal with so much..you had such an awfully hard 2009...I pray this year will bring peace,hope,promise and many blessings to you and your family.Much love
I don't think your thoughts were "harsh" I think they are real, human and honest. You have gone through hell this past year, there has been much more than just your cancer, Philip's condition and the loss of your nephew, you have had many other things too, for most people just one of those things to deal with would be enough to curl up in the fetal position and have a pity party, but you dear sweet lady, have stood strong through most all of it. While Christmas 'should' be all about the birth of our Saviour, for most people it is much more than that. It is a time to reflect and reflections should be honest, your "harsh" thoughts were honest reflections as they should be...if we are not honest to ourselves about our lives how can we better things? You have a right to be feeling down, you have had to deal with many negative things and you will continue to deal with them in the strong way you always have.
Standing on the thought "If God brings you to it, God will bring you through it" And the thought "Let go and let God"
Happy 2010 Amy, may the year bring you sweet happy memories...wishing you and yours the very best.
As I read this I stopped and placed my hands together.... I prayed for you and your family. I prayed for a better year with happy endings. I prayed for both of us to weigh 125...LOL.
You're a fighter! You're a wonderful lady.... just remember that!
in my thoughts and prayers Amy.
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