I am here today to ask for prayers . I am just so frustrated and overwhelmed . I swore I would not come here and post until I had a happy go lucky or carefree post...I just feel like a wet blanket. I can not find the energy to fake it lately, And today it seems that I just feel like giving up and going away. I have to laugh when I just wrote that because where the heck would I go? If anyone know..please let me know.
I am not feeling sorry for myself. I admit things are rough in many areas of my life right now. Yet I know and feel that I am overly blessed also. But lately the blessing part seems to be buried..and no matter how hard I try to remind myself of that...It just seems like words..I need to find that feeling of knowing that..
Philip has had the worse day today. He has felt awful. He is hurting. And he is frustrated beyond any of us can imagine. But today he has been very emotional for him and the tears have flowed. It was a awful conversation that we both left upset from. He is angry and he has every right to be. And lately I am the one he shares that with. And no matter how much I understand why he does it...It hurts my feelings and sometimes just makes me think..someone shot me. ( sorry just being honest)
I have been having a really rough time these past few days with itching and also vertigo. Both are plain draining on me. I found out that my liver numbers are off and that is due to the toxins we are using to treat the dreaded cancer. My body is just not happy right now. The liver is a big concern. Scans are due in 2 weeks and now we will be adding some new test. I hope I pass. Seems that every time they look..they find something. I will just hold onto the idea that it is going to be okay.
I think the idea of this time last year..I was only days away from finding out I would need surgery and then that I had cancer. I am not one who lives with regrets..or what if's. But I look at this year and feel sad. Blessed but sad.
I am worried about the economy and how we will continue to pay these crazy medical bills. I know we will be fine. ( we will, right?)
I have been really thinking about the holidays last year. I want the kids to have a nice Christmas. Last year when we found out I had cancer...we never lit the lights again. How in the world did that happen? I know gifts are not about Christmas...yet I still worry...Do any of you worry? I remind myself we are blessed to be together and have a roof over our head.
And I am sure I do not need to even explain to you the hurt and sadness our family feels with not having Jackson. Some decisions that are needing to be addressed and the why's are hard to not think about every minute of the day.
We miss him so very much...so so much.
I am just tired today...just really emotional and physically tired.
Please do not give up on me and or my blog. I will work on some happier post...I notice I do not have many people posting comments...I think I would run away too..LOL.
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28 comments:
Ya know sweet friend... I hardly ever get comments on my blog... perhaps that's because I think I'm funny or deep and others don't?
This is all very draining... I pray every blessed day for relieve and things to not be so well... you know.
Looking back is a hard pill to swallow sometimes... praying for great things in the future. Hugs always, Prayers constantly, Hope and Believing NON-Stop.
Oh Amy, my heart breaks for you. You have every right to have a bad day and let out how you feel. Sometimes it helps to just let it out in the written word. I wish I could do something to make it all better. Know that I'm here for you and thinking of you and your family. I hope Philip has better days ahead. I know all you want to do is be able to take away his pain and frustration. The last thing we want as mothers is for our babies to hurt or be sad. My heart goes out to you. Get rest and rejuvenate. Tomorrow has to be better than today. LOVE YOU! :)
I am so sorry you are having a tough time right now. I came across this the other day when I needed it.
For I can do everything THROUGH Christ who gives me strength
Philippians 4:13
Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. HUGS
I don't know what to say because I haven't ever been where you are or walked the road your walking. But I will be praying for you and your family.
I'm still here and reading faithfully. I haven't been commenting as much because of time restraints. Also I often just don't have words other than, that I'm praying. But - whether I comment or not, I'm still praying. Hugs!
Oh Amy ..... I'm one of the guilty ones (not posting). Please believe me I read every one of your posts and have not fallen behind. Dealing with Jeff's death has been difficult and I keep thinking "who am I to give advice - I can't even get out of my depression." It is getting better but it's like I'm on a roller coaster.
I know I speak for everyone ..... please don't feel that you can't come here and post exactly how you feel. This is not just for light/happy comments. You should be able to bear your soul.
I can't even begin to know what to say to you and the "I'm praying for you" sounds so cliche /// empty. You are going through so much as well as Philip and it is no wonder why you both are sometimes at odds with one another.
I'm just so sorry you and your family are going through this horrendous journey and I WILL continue to pray for you. God has got to hear us!
Hugs - Cheryl
Amy,
Know that I am still here for you. I am still praying for you and your family. I don't post all the time because I just don't feel like I really have anything that I can add. I can't imagine having to deal with just one of the things you have going on let alone them all. Feel free to email any time you need to vent... God Bless you Amy!
Jenny (jennyn@osu1.com)
((hugs))
Praying for peace that passes all understanding.
Cindy
We're still here!! We just wish we had words to make it all better! But we don't so we are sending our words up to our Father in heaven and asking Him to send you His comfort and healing right now.
we're not running away. no one can have a happy life all the time. just hold on, we're praying for you.
much love xx
NEVER apologize for being human. You have every right to be upset right now and many reasons. Lack of comments could be because of what I do-pray for people but not comment.
I know I am bad about lending my voice as well as my prayer but this post really got to me. Please no that even though we may be silent, we are here.
Shellie thebogarts@earthlink.net
I read often, but seldom post. Writing as you truly feel and sharing with others is a wonderful blessing...when we share we often feel better...sort of getting it all out... Bless you and may you close your eyes and find some peace deep within your soul and God will give you all the strength you need..it is ok to have all the feelings etc. you are having. God Bless Lesley
Amy,
It's your blog and you can say whatever you want on it! Life isn't always happy things! We are here to listen and pray for you:)
Amy let it out. I understand and you are still in my prayers. I always read your blog even if I don't read anyone else's. I may not post a comment very often but I think of you often.
I have been going through a good bit of stuff myself. So I haven't felt like commenting or even posting on my own blog.
I know that you have so much on your plate with your own disease and dealing with Philip and his health problems. Then having to worry about how the bills will get paid. Sick people shouldn't have to worry with those things on top of taking care of their health.
I am so sorry about your nephew. I know that you miss him. I was surprised to learn that your sister lived in Spartanburg, SC. I used to live in Easley, SC right outside of Greenville.
Your friend,
Linda
I will never run away from you I promise :)
My heart and prayers are with you Amy!
God is right there cry out to Him!
Love you,
Jill
Praying for you.
Wow. This post made me think of last Christmas and so many of our fears for the future we shared together. I know I said even then that one day mine would just be a bad nightmare and now that's what it is. Yours, sweet friend, is still happening...everyday life. Yes, you are blessed, but life is still hard, still sucks sometimes. Don't worry about faking it or being a wet blanket. Just share your LIFE with us, we love you!
I'm still here. I'm not running away from you, but they are keeping me busy here in our little town. The more I say I'm going to give some of it up, the more they ask me to do.
No matter how busy I am, I'm never too busy for you. I hope you always remember that. You are constantly in my thoughts and prayers.
You don't have to be strong and try to pretend to be happy or that evrything is OK. You can't get thru any of this on your own. Just turn all your fears and worries over to God and he will get you thru this! I learned in my bible study last night that we all have fears that we don't express, things we think we would never be able to survive. But we need to tell those fears to God and turn them over to him in such a way that even if the worst possible thing does happen, we will be OK because he is God and he is faithful, Always! Much Love and prayer coming your way!!
Amy~ I NEVER want you to fake being happy in your life or your blog!!!!!!! You are what you are honey.. I know this may seem strange but embrace what you are feeling and go where it leads you.. Meaning you obviously are grieving and emotionally overwhelmed and maybe your mind, heart, and body are trying to tell you to cry, scream, be mad at all of the things you have a right to be!!! God is not expecting you to fake anything, he is wanting you to ask him for help and comfort and he will give but it might not be in the exact ways you understand.. I don't even personally know you but I love you so much it makes my heart hurt to think of you guys in such pain..SO I am telling you to just take it minute by minute and then maybe hour by hour and so on..
LOVE & HUGS & PRAYERS
Still here - praying for you!
{{{Hugs}} You do not OWE us a happy-go-lucky post, you owe us your honesty, your feelings, your needs. We are here to listen to your soul, to pray for the things you need, not the things you think we want to hear. If we did not care we would not be here. I don't think there is a person that has followed your blog from the beginning that for one second judges you. I think I am speaking for the many that come here and thank God for our uneventful lives and ask God why you go through so much. Amy, if many of us were in your shoes, going through what you have gone through with your own cancer, Jim's problems and Philip and now the death of Jackson all at the same time would have just thrown in the towel and given up...but you continue to fight, continue to ask God for blessings and continue to try to concentrate on your blessings...most of us would be in a heap, crying out "Why me God?" and you so graciously say "Why not me'. With that said, I know not what to say, I am so often overwhelmed at thought of what you go through and can understand why you don't sleep, why you feel so down...it is normal and I think you should let the feelings surface and be real with them. Then ask God to take them away. I am so sorry you are having a hard time with your treatments, that in it's self is hard enough, without all the other stuff on top of it.
I can understand Philip's frustration, I can not imagine living in the constant pain he does and not becoming angry...it is the normal path of living in pain. I continue to pray that he will find peace.
Praying for you and your whole family, I know it will be a hard holiday season without Jackson and with all you are going through, but you have the knowledge that you have an army of prayer warriors out here praying for you.
Hugs & love
Hoping you are having a good day today. Praying for you and Philip always!
You're not obligated to be happy for anyone...
xoxo
Prayers going out.
You have every right to feel the way you do..you are dealing with way too much.I'm sending a huge hug your way..I so wish I had a way to make things better for you and your family..you are such an awesome person and you so deserve a break and some relief from all you are dealing with in life. I will keep you in my heart and continue praying.Remember the deal we all made?About sharing the real feelings, good, bad, heartache or hilarious..just the way life is..by doing that it helps so many others..we may not be dealing with the same things neccesarily, but it feels like there is someone who just gets it and gives hope and inspiration to so many.Give up on you? Never..you are too precious! I am not going anywhere..yep you are stuck with me sister..LOL...love you Amy!
sorry - i never signed the last comment - jaded
i'm glad you let it all out...at one point on my own blog i felt like i too was just a 'wet blanket'. but you know what? so what? a lot of your words resonate with me and with others i imagine. ultimately this is your space...and you have only shared another side to your experience.
this is not an easy time for you.
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