Do over...????

Over the last two week I have found myself just down. Not down about anything in particular ...just like a black cloud over myself I could not shake. A few days ago I was trying to explain to Jim that I just did not feel like myself ..and I said ..well a year ago next week my whole life changed and it seems like it is never going to go back to the way it was. It hit me without me even known what I was saying...I was struggling with the idea that last year the day before Thanksgiving I was told you need to see a surgeon and a oncologist ..and I went off to Thanksgiving thinking...wonder what is wrong..but never thinking a few days later we would get the news I had cancer. Call me naive..I had no idea. And maybe that was a blessing. So while I am not a person who builds up dates to remember hard things such as death and illness. I suppose it being Thanksgiving makes it easier to remember.

With that being said..I am digging deep. Deeper then I ever have to move forward and now look back. In truth I so wish I could go back...but where does that stop. I would do anything to go back before Jackson died...anything. I would go back to the days before I knew I had cancer. I would go back to the days where depression did not enter our marriage..I would go back to before Philip had the left side issue. I would so go back to the days before he had his stroke..and well his first brain operation. Go back and back and back.

WHERE WOULD WE STOP IF WE HAD DO OVERS?

The thing is..if I did a do over then I would not be living my life. And as tough and scary and sometimes sad and frustrating as it is..It is MY life . It is our family and our destiny to move forward and look forward not back. I would like to think Do Overs are not what God wants from us. He wants us to be thankful for what we have and make a new life and a new way..and use him to guide us along the way. He is what I call our GPS...( sometimes I think mine has a factory default..but we all know God knows best..) But boy he does not always make it easy huh?

Yes.. I have had some rough days. I have had some wonderful days. I remember many of you waiting on twitter for me to post the I am a aunt update...and when I did you all welcomed Jackson to the world. Some of the same ladies were there when the news was posted there was something so very wrong. And you prayed non stop. You held my family in your prayers when you heard our heartbreaking news. And you know who you are...you talked to me for a hour afterwards and you cried with me..and shared my hurt. I am so thankful for you and that . Thank you .

When Philip has had hard days ...operations...detoxing off meds...or simply I have felt lost as a mom. You have been the one that have lifted us up in prayers and wonderful thoughts and messages. I know one day I tweeted on my phone we were waiting on the DR to come in. My stomach was turning. I was scared and nervous. Within minutes I had emails and post and tweets with messages of love and support. I FELT them. It was one of the most odd things I have ever felt. I could actually FEEL the love and support. I just felt the love and support you had for our family but more importantly Philip.

When there was a family problem that was personal and ended up being shared without me knowing...and some of you came to me and asked. When I finally decided to just share ..so everyone would know the real details and not the ..wow did you hear details. You lifted me up high and even though many of you were frustrated by the details..( Rebel..Gosh I want you always on my side.LOL) you prayed hard for our family.

And well my cancer...what can be said about the support I have felt. I swear I am not sure what I would do without all of the support.

Do you see what I am trying to say? ( okay stop shaking your heads no..)



What I am trying to say is..If I did a Do Over...I would not have each of the blessings I have from each of you.

I am just so grateful for all your love and support you have given our family. I am not sure we could get through this walk called life without you. You have held us up when I was sacred. Cheered us on when we felt like just giving up.
I am far more blessed this year then I was the year before..I have felt more love and support this past year then I ever have.

Thank you for never giving up on our family. This Thanksgiving I am thankful for each of you..