Okay really I have been thinking about this for more then just today. In fact lately I have been doing too much thinking. Sometimes thinking can be helpful and others it can play on your emotions and fears. So today I am going to blog some here and there thoughts...
I am going to wait to blog the details about Philip's medical. To be honest that is all I seem to think about lately and it is wearing me down. It hurts me more then I could ever explain to not be able to "fix" this for him. Heck I would love to just be able to "help" him. I have been trying to do that since the day he got sick. And about the time I think I take a step forward I end up feeling worse about the next medical crisis. With the new school year starting for Reed and Emily. I have this dread in my heart that while they are moving forward. We are doing little if anything to help Philip move forward with his future. And trust me I have never given up for one split second for Philip to have a future. It may not be the straight path I had always prayed for..But there will be a path. God will lead us on the right path. Please pray that I have a open heart and mind to what his wish is for Philip.
I had a thought the other day about God and Philip's medical issues. I LOVE this.
God has held Philip's hand while holding my heart.
Lately I have felt very much out of control in many areas of my life. I know God is really the one in control. And he and I have had talks late at night about why I need to feel in control. It is complicated and I have a feeling God just shakes his head at me some days and says..one day soon she is going to let go and let me guide. Thank you God for not ever giving up on me.
One area I have felt very much out of control is my health. Lately I have been thinking about where I was a year ago. And in reality a year ago is gone and I should be thinking about a year from now. Heck maybe I just need to think about today. Yet last year things were very different. I felt happier and healthier. I had just finished losing 95 pounds. I started feeling whole and healthy. And today I feel not so healthy and some days far from whole.I do not even recognise m body anymore. In fact when I find myself out of breathe with the simple act of checking the mail or taking a shower. I do not feel too pretty or exciting. I miss ME .I do not know this new person..I feel broken.
So I have to ask myself. Am I feeling spiritual broken or Physically. While some days I do struggle with my spiritually strength...I know I am loved and I love that God is here for me no matter what. I would much rather be physically broken then spiritually.
I guess part of my "issue" is how I am handling things with my health. I try hard to keep going . I work on the thought of "fake it till I make it". And I think sometimes that is not always good. I find myself "feeling" like family is just over me being sick. Well not over it but use to it. But I am NOT use to it. I am not sure I ever will get use to any of it. Here is the pity party...I guess sometimes it feel like no one cares that I am sick. Oh it looks as ugly typed out as it does in my head. I need to work on getting the ugly out of my head and heart. It is GOOD for anything. Waste of time and emotion.
So where do I go from here? Some may say snap out of it..trust me I have tried. Some will say Pray about it..trust me I have.
Baby steps...it is not a sprint it is a marathon.
Thank you for allowing me a safe place to come on the harder days.
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9 comments:
Amy, I know you're in a struggle right now and have been for quite some time. It probably does feel like no one cares sometimes because Mom's are not supposed to get sick...they are not supposed to feel bad or need anything from anyone. It's hard to fault anyone for that mindset, because we bring a lot of that on ourselves by always being the one who's always there to fix everything. I know you feel helpless in Philip's case, but don't. You are doing everything humanly possible...note the keyword there...'humanly'. Keep doing everything you're doing and everyday you'll feel and be a little better. Like you said, baby steps. And last of all, don't lose your sense of humor! I so admire you having such a great sense of humor in the midst of all your turmoil!
Amy I am praying for you! Sometimes it just helps to get your feelings out.
I am so sorry you're struggling. I hope that things get better for you & for Phillip. I wish there was more I could say or do, but I will pray for you. I have faith things will get better for you!
Amy,
You come here anytime you need some understanding hearts...we're here for you!
I have said the exact same thing many times...it's a marathon, not a quick sprint. Gotta take one step forward at a time...whether that means one week, one day, one hour...whatever it takes. Hang in there...you have the thoughts and prayers of many.
Amy~ You know I have been a constant worrier about Philip AND you!! I often worry about how you are coping with all of this as you are physically and mentally wiped out.. If people are "over it" then they should try and live it and help! Spiritually there will always be a battle for you, Satan is going to take these already horrific times in your life and throw them in your face and try his hardest to make it as bad as he can until you give up on God...That is his goal, will you let that happen?!?! No I don't think so..I think that we as humans want to control things because if we don't control it then something won't turn out right, so this is one of OUR biggest struggles...
And if you feel like your family doesn't care then you need to just tell them how you feel. As my Hubby would say "there are those that choose to live in their fantasy world so they don't have to deal with reality" and then their is people like me (myself not him lol) that are so honest and live every bit of reality that is thrown my way, meaning I am very blunt with what I say. I never lie about how I feel because that's who I am and there are people in my Hubby's family right now who won't speak to me because "I told them how it is"....You know those that are ignoring you they sound like the ones that can't live in reality, but you have to you have no choice...
Many prayers for you tonight Amy...
I can't imagine how you wouldn't feel that way....I know it may feel selfish to you but it isn't...you need care, sympathy and support, and someone taking care of you too. Praying for you!
You're right - life is a marathon & is all about the baby steps. And I for one admire how well you're putting one foot in front of the other.
I'm so sorry you're hurting and sad right now. Does it bring you comfort to know that all of us are out here, caring and praying for you? 'Cause we are.
Much love & many prayers from GA,
Leanne
Oh girl...bless your heart..you have so much to deal with and you are going through such a difficult time. I am always amazed at you. All these obstacles and yet you keep on trying...love that.Your spirit is just wonderful and so inspiring to me. I continue to pray for you, Philip and your family every day..keep holding onto your strong faith and never give up!
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