Tonight,

I am trying to prop up for a few while I do my ice pack..so I thought I would update real quick. To be honest...I am really worn down...and having a rough time. I find myself hurting so bad that I worry what I am going to do until it is time for my next pain pill.

Emily has stayed home with me all day and as always she is such a help and true blessing.I felt awful today. The boys were going to my SIL for a 4th of July party...and I did not have anyone to watch Cole today...so she stayed home with him instead of going. Thank goodness I have her..My family does not live by. And except for Jim's parents.who have helped with the kids. .the extended family seems very busy with their lives and summer. In some ways it wold be nice to get a phone call saying..we know Jim is gone and you are alone..how are you?..then again..as I have said a million times...it is pretty clear where we stand at....A lesson well learned..a simple phone call or card can be such a blessing on the harder days.

Some of you already know this...but I wanted to share here that Friday I had a small issue. When I got to the breast center they wanted to do a clear scan...so I got prepped for that. While the lady was doing the scan I kept noticing she was looking in two different places and measuring in both those areas...Of course I asked what was going on..and of course she said the Dr would talk to me.

Then they told me that the DR had called my surgeon and she needed to speak to me. The news was they fond a second mass. She needed my permission to do the second procedure with the wire to have it ready for the DR to remove during surgery later that day.

The thing that I wake up thinking deep in the night is...Did they just miss the second mass? or was this new? The idea that they misused it is hard for me to swallow. I have had mammograms,ultrasound and a MRI..

Wow...I think I just felt numb...scared...alone and overwhelmed ..all at once. So I said of course..we want to get everything out at once.

That procedure was very difficult and painful. The DR there was very nice and very gentle but made it clear that the second one was also in a tricky place and we would have to work to get the wire behind that area. She also tried to aspirate it ..per Dr request..and could not it was solid. So I had a bleed inside the breast from that while made things swell immediately. OUCH.

After getting both wires in two total opposite sides of my breast and then having two mammograms..It was time to go to the surgery center. I have never felt my legs shake so much walking into that center. If I could of "changed my mind" I may just of ..

The lady who was my nurse was someone I knew from school and she had been my nurse when I delivered Emily. So it was nice to see a friendly face.

The DR came and spoke to me..and was very honest. He is concerned and he knows that this is something that has to be dealt with now..and it now has been. He did say that we needed to make a diagnosis if there was one and deal with it hardcore..or get good results back and move on..so I can deal with the rest of my treatments and get well. Was nice to hear that someone expects me to get well...I also expect I will get well...but it never hurts when the DR says the same thing.

They gave me some wonderful I could care less drugs...and I was much better. The wonderful nurse there said..we say yes to drugs here...Thank you...for that...and too bad no take out...lol

The dr did speak to me afterwards and explained that I will have a long recovery. He had to remove my nipple area to get to both places..and of course it had to be two separate incisions. He also took some areas in my arm pit..so needless to say I am sore. I get to wear this wonderful so not VS bra for 3 weeks day and night with compression packs..Repeat after me..OUCH. My sweet daughter was helping me and she said..Oh mommy will your boob always be black..I sure hope not Emily..lol

My meds have kicked in and I have been getting sick from them. I think with the pain meds and the other meds I am on and treatment..it is too much...so I am going to go lay down and NOT move if I can help it.

I also have some mouth sores from my treatment..which make things seem a little harder also.

Ladies..We are always honest here...right? I am scared. I do not know what to think about the second mass. Was it there and was missed...or is it new? I also know and I have said this week to someone I trust ...I know luck has nothing to do with God. But on my weaker times I can not help but think..the more times we roll the dice..the odds can turn out bad. I mean every time they look we find something. Why? My body is letting me down..and my heart is a little hurt...

I am trying hard to not do the what ifs...but my goodness...what if...I am already struggling so hard with the other..we still may need to operate on the masses on the chest wall...and now these...

I just do not know how all this has happened and so complicated.

I so want to end this with I am sure it will all be okay...but tonight I just do not have it in me..even to fake it.

I guess I will just say...I know God will be here with me..I wish maybe tonight he would yell a little louder...stop my mind from thinking...I miss my husband tonight..and wish he were home already. But he will be home soon.

Sorry to be a downer..I am just a little overwhelmed and scared.

Love to all of you...