Thank you all so very much. If I ever had a doubt I could share my TRUE ..feelings with each of you on my blog...they would be gone after my difficult post on Wednesday. Of course I have never had a doubt that I can be who I am with each of you on my blog...because you have all lifted me higher and held me close on some very hard days. I am so thankful to have each of you.
Today has been a hard day in many ways...and one of them is about my blog. So after feeling very anxious about what to do, what to say, what not to say, worrying about did I say too much and who is saying what...I am doing what I should of done hours ago and coming here and sharing my heart.
On Wednesday I shared this..
I am also dealing with some personal issues. Without going into a lot of details . For right now...The kids and I are living at home alone. This is for the best . I really do not have much more to say about this subject. So if I seem a little different or take longer to get back to you..or do not call you back...It could mean I am having a bad day...or maybe I am just a little busy being a mommy...which lately means alot of extra hugs and kisses...I am blessed.
The reason I did this because I felt like I needed to share it for a few reasons. For one reason is. It seemed that someone had shared this information already with a few people and they were emailing me about this. I felt hurt that something so private was shared . The truth was when you share bits and pieces of a story because you do not know the details...then the DETAILS seem to get bigger and bigger by the minute. I did not share the details because I did not want to, it was personal . I have been very private about the whole subject and tried to be respectful even when I have been hurt or angry some days and wanted to come here and blast.
Once I started getting some emails asking about this and that....and some emails that said things that just could not be further from the truth..I thought the simple statement I made above would be enough to let everyone know...I am fine..the kids are fine..and that I am working through some issues...to let me deal with my family issues and my marriage. Maybe I should of been a little more blunt.
Now with that being said...I have worried all day..and I just can not do it any longer. So I come to you...No my husband is not having a affair. No my husband did not leave me because I am sick or Philip is sick. No my husband is not dead. NO NO NO NO NO...with all that being said...let me tell you what I am willing to share...
Do you see the couple above in the picture? It is US. It is us clinging to trying to find our way. We have been married 22 years ..He is my husband and my best friend and I love him. He is the father to my 4 beautiful children.
But obviously if he is not living here something has changed. This is what has changed. Our son is seriously ill. It has and is taking a toll on all of us. And I am sick. My husband sees me sick every weekend . He sees that things have changed. I am pretty sure he fears if something happens to me he will not only be alone without me but have 4 children and have one son who is so sick that we just do not know what to do one minute to the next. He is human and he is scared . I have to stop myself and think..if you were to take any one of these issues alone ..it is enough to be overwhelming...pile them all up and it cane seem like too much. Trust me..I know...
Now do not get me wrong...He is not perfect..far from it. He has made some mistakes in how he is dealing with everything...and I am hurt with him right now. But in truth he has hurt himself also.
For years Jim has dealt with some serious depression issues. He has taken steps to control it and we have always handled it well as a team. But lately even with meds and counseling ...it just has not been enough. One thing has led to another and well .. ..all heck broke loose. After meeting with his DR yesterday for hours we knew things were at a very serious point and they needed to be dealt with. And they were.
But my husband has decided to do the right thing. He is not taking the easy way out. He has decided to face his issues head on and deal with them. When in reality the easier path would be to ignore all of it and continue on the path of depression and looking for the wrong way to fix it.
I think it takes a real man and a wonderful Father to make some of the decisions my husband has made. And while I am very hurt and frustrated . I am proud of his decisions as of yesterday.
I am going to have avlong road ahead of me. ..and if all goes well maybe Jim will be back home. But in the same way I am sick...Jim is sick..and Jim is hurting and he is worn out and worn down.. We all are.
Today as I was coming from my DR appt I really listened to my CD that a very special friend gave me... the words of a song said it all...Maybe this can explain it better then any words I can..
Broken Hearts need some time..
One Day we'll wake up and find
Life is hard and the pain is real
But the strongest hearts are not made of steel
They are made of tenderness and trust
Sometimes life has it's way with us And
We find it's the heartaches , struggles and scars
That make the strongest hearts...
I pray this is true. Please pray for Jim during this time. While it is hard for me to be here alone...I do have the kids and I have each of you daily offering me prayers and wonderful messages of support. Right now I imagine Jim is feeling pretty alone.
Wow..I feel better getting this off my heart...
43 comments:
{{Amy}} It took such courage for Jim to admit he needed help, I know it couldn't have been at the worse time for you, but these things don't ever come at a convenient time. Your whole family has so much on it's plate and it is of no surprise that there will be those that can not handle the situation your are all in. I pray that God just wraps his arms of love and comfort around Jim, that he heals his hearet and is mind, that he gives him strength and helps Jim see the way clearer and when Jim comes home he will be able to be strong for you and your whole family.
For you I just will keep praying constantly...you amaze me!
Oh girl you know I am praying for all of y'all!
And I pray that you and Jim come out of this stronger and tighter than ever before!!
Hugs!
Amy, as always, I don't guess or wonder what your situation is. I wait for you to share -- if you want to and when you want to. I am here when you need me. You have every way there is to get in touch with me. Maybe, I shouldn't say this, and I'm not judging Jim. I know the situation you all find yourselves in must be unbearable, but I just wonder what would have happened if you had decided to take the same path he did? You are a strong woman. Don't ever let anyone tell you any different.
In you honor the lyrics to "I'm a Woman"
I can wash out 44 pairs of socks and have 'em hangin out on the line
I can starch & iron 2 dozens shirts 'fore you can count from 1 to 9
I can scoop up a great big dipper full of lard from the drippins can
Throw it in the skillet, go out & do my shopping, be back before it melts in the pan
'Cause I'm a woman! W-O-M-A-N, I'll say it again
I can rub & scrub this old house til it's shinin like a dime
Feed the baby, grease the car, & powder my face at the same time
Get all dressed up, go out and swing til 4 a.m. and then
Lay down at 5, jump up at 6, and start all over again
'Cause I'm a woman! W-O-M-A-N, I'll say it again
If you come to me sickly you know I'm gonna make you well
If you come to me all hexed up you know I'm gonna break the spell
If you come to me hungry you know I'm gonna fill you full of grits
If it's lovin you're likin, I'll kiss you and give you the shiverin' fits
'Cause I'm a woman! W-O-M-A-N, I'll say it again
I can stretch! a green back dollar bill from here to kindom come!
I can play the numbers pay the bills and still end up with some!
I got a twenty-dollar gold piece says there ain't nothing I can't do
I can make a dress out of a feed bag and I can make a man out of you
'Cause I'm a woman! W-O-M-A-N, I'll say it again
'Cause I'm a woman! W-O-M-A-N, and that's all.
Oh Amy my sweet, sweet friend. I am praying for you and for Jim and for your kids. I am praying for your marriage and believing that the love you have for each other has the power to withstand all of this stuff that life has thrown at your family. Hugs to you...
Vickie
I'm glad that you shared. I have to admit that I was very, very ticked off when I read your statement about being alone. I thought he had left. I'm glad to know that he is dealing with his pain. I honestly can't imagine what you all are going through...I know the stress level has to be through the roof. Please hang in there and know that we care very much. I wish your husband the best as well and hope that he will be emotionally able to come home to his family soon.
I wish I could come there and help you in some way. It's times like this that I get very frustrated for being sick and broke. If I was able to travel right now, I would offer. I'm thinking of you daily and praying for better days for all of you. God bless.
It's a lot to deal with - for both of you. I'm sorry that people passed this on and left you having to clear things up, on top of everything else. Just remember that there are a lot of us out her who care and are praying for you - and Jim.
oh amy, you are so full of strength. you may think you are not, but you are. i know there is so much going on right now, but please know you are loved and hugged from far away! i am all ears honey!
love ya!
I am so sorry. That is a lot to deal with it. I cannot imagine it. Take care of yourself as best you can. I pray your friends lift you up.
I have a lot I'd like to say, but I'll save that for a phone call. :) You have written this beautifully. I am proud of you for handling the inconsiderate, hurtful responses you've received from Wednesday's post. Those who choose to read into a person's life, come up with their own scenario are very wrong in their thougths and actions.
You were not deserving of such painful emails, especially with all you are currently dealing with. Your husband is a very brave and wonderful man. He is allowing God to lead him to a place where he can receive the medical help he needs to be whole for all of you.
I cannot imagine the pain and stress your family is dealing with. What I do know is Almighty God sees your every moment. He feels your every burden. He is there to guide you, comfort you, bless you, love you.
Delete all the hatefullness and doubters from your inbox. They have no place in your life or on this "journal" of yours.
I am proud of you for sharing so openly with all of us. And pray that as others read this, they too will see your heart and not play the "blame game" or be so quick to judge what's going on in your life. You, DH and your children know the truth....more importantly, God knows the truth. Let Him continue to be the head of your household. Hold your head high and be blessed by His love.
Love you! Sheli
Oh Amy!
Your strength and transparency are inspiring!
I will be in prayer for Jim and all of you!
I'm very sorry someone felt it necessary to speak about anything publicly that should have been left private! I know that hurts and you don't need more hurts in your life right now.
God will see you all through this!
Praying for the children and your healing as a family!
Lots of love,
Jill
Prayers for you, and all those you hold dear.........
Amy: I am so sorry! My heart is breaking for you! Depression is a real illness and sometimes other things get in the way and it's very hard for men to deal with it. I am praying for all of you and you have my 100% support. I am not near you, but I can always listen.
Amy-I don't know you in "real life" but I wanted to let you know that I am praying for you, your family, and the full plate that you all have right now.
God is good...all the time.
((hugs))
Erin
Dear sweet friend... those words on that CD are just as true today as when you first heard them almost 2 years ago. I love this song. I'm glad it speaks to you and you love it. Well, you know my heart and wishes for you and your wonderful family. Hugs, Love and Prayers... always.
Praying for all of you, diligently and faithfully. xoxo
Thanks for sharing. That's what we're here for!
Oh geez. My heart just goes out to you and your family. I am keeping you all in my prayers.
I am so sorry that you felt you had to share that. That was very personal and painful I'm sure. Shame on all of us for going where we should not go. Living life in a fish bowl is no fun for anyone...especially the fish!
I'll keep you and your family in my prayers!
I'm so sorry you are having to go through all this. I know first hand how physical problems and emotional problems can cause havoc on a marriage. Commit everything to the Lord. Trust in Him... lean on Him. He can heal your precious marriage and family. If you need to talk, just email me. I'm just a phone call away. God bless you precious sister in Christ. Proverbs 3:5,6
Psalm 18:29
Amy
I am praying hard for your family right now.
I wish there was something I could do or say right now to help, but know that I am praying.
Much love and prayers
Liz
You have many who love you. I am one.
You do not owe any of us your private business. If you choose to share it, I will treat that as a sacred trust, as I hope others will, too. I respect your privacy, but I want you to know you are in my heart and in my prayers to God.
Dear Amy, I am just so sad and sorry that you have to bear so much.
Praying for all of you!
Amy.
You are correct.
We are here for you.
We do not judge.
We pray.
We support.
We cry.
We love you and your WHOLE family!
Hugs,
Sharon
Have I told you lately how proud I am of you, how much I admire and respect you, and how much in awe of you I am? I know without a doubt that your dear husband loves you more than life itself. God will see you all through to the other side of this. I just know He will... Do you smell like PINK tonight?
Thank you for sharing. I pray for you everyday. I know things will get better for you soon. You are just dealing with so much right now. My heart goes out to you so much. You seem like a wonderful person that doesn't deserve this.
Blair- A lurker from Texas :)
One of the best things we can do for our spouses is to support all the wonderful and hard things that they do - regardless of what other people think or assume.
Because ultimately - you're supporting your best friend - and that supports you... and your children.
Thank you for your honesty and openness. I was not assuming anything except that it had to be hard for both of you - so my prayer has not changed.
Praying for unexpected blessings and a way to reconnect and be a stronger than ever family.
Amy~ My heart continues to break for you...What a horrible thing to be going through on top of everything else. I have already prayed and I will continue to pray for you and Jim and for the rest of your family..I sure hope you did not feel pressured into telling us this because people were hearing and saying the wrong things. I want you to know that I believe your issue's are yours to keep private if you want to, and if you want to tell us you will!! And you are right about Jim, he too has an illness just like you do. I hope the steps he's taking leads you all back where you should be.
Take care dear friend...
Amy,
I have followed your life and your posts about Philip for quite a long time now.
I have wondered, as I am sure many have, how you manage to cope from one day to the next.
I have dealt with depression almost my entire adult life. On meds. Off meds. It has been a struggle. What makes it so difficult for most to understand is that my life is relatively good. I have no real reason to be depressed. I have good things around me. I have a good family. Yet the demon of depression is still there.
With all that you are dealing with, I know you will understand when I say I just want to run away sometimes. I'm sure you want to run away too, but you can't. I want someone to make my pain go away. I just want someone to make it all better. I say these words as a person who really has nothing wrong with her life. I can't even imagine how I would cope if I had the serious issues that you do.
I share these things with you because my sympathies go out to all of you. Yes Jim too. With depression it's hard enough to cope when things are good. Everything can seem so bleak. Add on to that the issues your family face right now, and I suspect he's reached his breaking point.
I imagine it was a terrible decision for him to leave. Add on to his depression the feelings of guilt that he must have.
I am not making excuses for Jim. I'm just saying that he has probably reached his breaking point, and thank goodness he is doing something to make things better.
A number of years ago I knew a man who was also diagnosed with depression, and it was very serious. He just couldn't "buck up" or "snap out of it". He just couldn't. One morning he shot and killed his wife, his teenage daughter, and then he killed himself. His depression was so severe that he couldn't go on anymore, and in his sick mind, he loved his family too much to leave them with no husband and father to support them.
I commend Jim for taking the steps he needs to take before he gets any worse. I know it doesn't make things easier for you, and I know that he may be judged harshly by some. This may, however, be the best thing that he can do for all of you.
He must be a very good man, or you wouldn't have stayed married to him all these years.
God bless all of you.
((((HUGS))))
So sorry to hear your marriage is going through some struggles. I hope and pray that you two can find the path that leads back to each other.
I'll be praying for you! (-:
I'm sorry that someone shared something confidential and caused you to feel that you needed to share these things.
It's understandable what everyone in your family is going through, given you are all human beings and you are dealing with enormous issues.
I'll be praying for healing...in all areas...in all family members.
May God protect your marriage and heal your hearts, minds and bodies. May He shower you with His mercy and love and give you both the strength to carry the cross of suffering He has placed upon your shoulder. May His loving hand be there to help you on your way. May He send His legion of Angels to guide and protect you. May His Holy Mother wrap you warmly in her mantle of love and protection and intercede with Him on your behalf. As wife and mother I offer this prayer for you.
Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thine intercession was left unaided.
Inspired by this confidence, I fly unto thee, O Virgin of virgins, my mother; to thee do I come, before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in thy mercy hear and answer me. Amen
Amy~
The only words I know to offer you this morning are...I'm HERE, I CARE, and I'm PRAYING for all of you. God Bless You, my sweet friend.
I still come over, read, and listen...you are in my thoughts and prayers...my ninth year of not having my Anelisa with me is coming up...my heart is with you in these rough times...
Honey, hang in there. I'll be keeping all of you in my prayers, and pray that God shows both of you the path He intends for you.
I am so sorry you all are going through such a difficult time. I am sure all of you are struggling right now with all the rough roads you are traveling, but just know that I am keeping you all in my prayers and I soon hope that every single one of you finds peace in God's arms.
Hugs & Prayers,
Lisa
Amy,
Sorry that you felt you had to tell everything. You and your family are still in my prayers. I know that your husband must really be having a hard time. It is really hard to be a caregiver as you know. I can not imagine having to worry over both a child and a wife.
I remember the pressures of having my husband fighting the battle of cancer and taking care of our boys. My heart goes out to your family.
I was listening to one of my favorite songs by Casting Crowns and I thought of you. I just want you to know I'm praying for you and your family. May His grace, mercy, and love be on all of you now and always. (((Hugs)))
Here are the lyrics...
"Praise You In This Storm"
by Casting Crowns
I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You
But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth
xoxo
Wow honey. I don't know what to say. Steve and I are praying for your family. All of you are going through a really hard time and things are going to happen (good or bad) during the struggles. I am sure your husband is a good man. No one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes. Whatever his mistake was, he is going through a rough time just as much as you are. Both of you need some time away. Time to collect yourselves and reconnect after. I am thinking of you both and praying for you daily. Things will be fine. Take it one day at a time.
Hugs,
Kami
Oh Amy....I am so sorry for all of your trials....I will continue to lift all of you up in prayer. I am so thankful that as Christians we know that our sorrows and worries are TEMPORARY. How glorious heaven will be!
This is your place, where you come to share what you want, when and if you want,and I am honored that you share your journey with us..we made a deal...good, bad ,ugly or hilarious,here with you through it all...just know if you need to talk or whatever I am here.I want you to know I care a lot about you and your family and pray for you all daily. Much love
Amy, I left my post before you said that Jim has depression. I'm sorry, but your posts until you said that kind of made it seem like he was taking a "vacation" from it all and had left you with it. I hope he is better soon and you call all be together again.
I still stand by my theme song for you -- "I'm A Woman - W-O-M-A-N because you can do it all, sister!
You are truly one amazing and strong woman! I am praying for you and your family!
Not sure where to post this but I wanted to ask if anyone has heard of National Clicks?
Can someone help me find it?
Overheard some co-workers talking about it all week but didn't have time to ask so I thought I would post it here to see if someone could help me out.
Seems to be getting alot of buzz right now.
Thanks
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