Working On a Better Attitude

When I look at this picture the tears roll. The very first time I saw this picture we were at a different hospital due to insurance issues. I happen to be walking from the waiting room while Philip was in the operating room and looked up and saw this picture. It said OUR CHIEF OF STAFF. It took my breathe away. I think I may have to buy one of these for my house and frame it. Not only because it is a beautiful picture but because I seem to need the daily reminder. Of course there is not a day that goes by that I do not KNOW that GOD is in complete control. But I so want to help him. I would love for him to come to me and say Amy my child..tell me what you would like me to make the outcome to be. As funny as that sounds...I really want nothing more. And yet I KNOW he knows best. I KNOW he knows my heart. I KNOW he loves Philip and I KNOW he loves me. I know this with all my heart. Yet I have this internal battle..with myself. Nothing worse then fighting with yourself. Huh?

I know I have been in a funk..or a bad way..It is not because I am depressed or sad. I am not even mad or feeling sorry for us. I am just frustrated. And I think I have let that take over somewhat. I think if I were not careful I could just bang my head against a wall. And maybe I am thinking about that more then I am thinking about praying.

I never want to come across as ungrateful for the blessings we have had with Philip. I know it seems like lately a lot of the focus has been on a hardships and the battles. And yes they have been so hard. But I need to drag my mind back to the blessings we have and will continue to have. If I let my mind go to the idea that my baby boy has had 19 brain operations, strokes, 20 plus other operations, and so many other issues...and he is still here ...it just brings me to my knees. Thank You God. There are so many parents who would do anything to have their children back and have them to take care of. I thought of so many of the families I have followed for years and have lost their babies. We are blessed . WE ARE BLESSED.

I wanted to share something with you...and I thought about this for hours last night. The first time we handed Philip off to the Dr for a brain operation after his stroke. I barely could let go. It almost felt like I really KNEW awful thing could and DID happen . I was so scared. The while time he was in the operating room I just was scared too death. Jim and I went out in the hallway to wait by the ICU Doors to talk . A man overheard our conversation and said something I will never forget.

He looked at me and said..I know you are scared. But I would do ANYTHING to be in your shoes. MY daughter drown this morning and we have NO hope. We are waiting to take her off life support. She was a year older then Philip. He said I wish we could try something...anything...to help her.

This man looked so lost and so hurt. And a hour later he walked down the hall with a few stuff animals and a social worker after signing a death certificate. He had no hope.

We still have hope. So yes I may be tired. I may feel frustrated and worn down. But we still have hope. And no matter how tired or discouraged I am..I will never ever give up..because we have Hope...

I received a beautiful card from Krissy who sent me a gift for Spirit Jumps. It was 2 pieces glasses of sea glass with the word HOPE written on them. Her card said the most perfect words. I am going to LIVE by these words. If I have to repeat them to myself everyday..all day. Thank You Krissy for the gift and the wonderful words. They may just change my outlook and help change my life...

When the world says to give up....Hope whispers..Try it one more time...