Monday, April 6, 2009

Here I sit..some thoughts..

Waiting for my meds to finish running for my PET and so many things on my mind. I am really tired today yet I feel a nervous feeling in my gut. Lately so many things are going through my mind about Philip and his operation.
Tonight I am going to share with you what the surgeon has told us, what we have decided, the risk, the benefits and my fears and my hopes.
I know that I am not alone. I want to be strong. I want to be that person that many of you comment about...The one you say is so strong. But wanna know a secret? I am minutes away from my PET scan and what I want to do is rip the IV out and leave..Pack my family up and run away. Run away from all of it. But I know it will follow us. When Philip was little I use to day dream about he and I running away to a island...just he and I. I would protect him and we would just forget about everything and everyone. I think back to those thoughts and wonder if I was on drugs..How naive I was during those moments. Maybe I need some of those meds now..Huh?
Have I mentioned I hate feeling needy. But I really wanted to reach out to you..these few minutes before my scan. Just to share a little.
So many times on some hard days I come here and share and I leave feeling blessed and stronger.
Some of you may remember that the last time I had my PET a few months ago I was praying real hard and looked up and saw the name PHILIP's on the machine. I am going to get in this machine and pray and look at my PHILIP"S sign...a sign that all will be okay. There is a small part of me that thinks..Oh no what if this machine does not have that..I am in a different room. Is that a bad sign..How will I explain to this weird I mean nice tech that I need the other machine and the other person will have to switch with me. Okay Now that I shared my worry..see it is in the pretty writing..that is me sharing but not saying it. Do you get what I mean? I am feeling better now. Gosh it is good to share .
Okay they said it is time..so here we go...I am ready to get this done and over with and behind me. I am ready to move .
Please check back tonight for my post about Philip's upcoming operation.

7 comments:

Beth E. said...

Praying for you. :o)

Mari said...

I'm praying right now.

Kim H. said...

Sending you a GREAT BIG virtual Hug right now!

Charmaine said...

Sending love and prayers. Praying for the very best. Stay strong.

His grace is sufficient. said...

Amy, it is okay to admit that you are scared, lonely and needy. Who wouldn't be in the same situation that you are in right now? We are all here for you to lean on. We will pray for you and your family.

Hearing you say that you are not strong as everyone says that you are reminds of the song by Twila Paris "This Warrior is a Child".
You are God's child. Go sit on His lap and tell Him all about it. We love you.

bluesuede said...

I'm here ...

mistika said...

Praying for you...God would help you thru this one!