Waiting for my meds to finish running for my PET and so many things on my mind. I am really tired today yet I feel a nervous feeling in my gut. Lately so many things are going through my mind about Philip and his operation.
Tonight I am going to share with you what the surgeon has told us, what we have decided, the risk, the benefits and my fears and my hopes.
I know that I am not alone. I want to be strong. I want to be that person that many of you comment about...The one you say is so strong. But wanna know a secret? I am minutes away from my PET scan and what I want to do is rip the IV out and leave..Pack my family up and run away. Run away from all of it. But I know it will follow us. When Philip was little I use to day dream about he and I running away to a island...just he and I. I would protect him and we would just forget about everything and everyone. I think back to those thoughts and wonder if I was on drugs..How naive I was during those moments. Maybe I need some of those meds now..Huh?
Have I mentioned I hate feeling needy. But I really wanted to reach out to you..these few minutes before my scan. Just to share a little.
So many times on some hard days I come here and share and I leave feeling blessed and stronger.
Some of you may remember that the last time I had my PET a few months ago I was praying real hard and looked up and saw the name PHILIP's on the machine. I am going to get in this machine and pray and look at my PHILIP"S sign...a sign that all will be okay. There is a small part of me that thinks..Oh no what if this machine does not have that..I am in a different room. Is that a bad sign..How will I explain to this weird I mean nice tech that I need the other machine and the other person will have to switch with me. Okay Now that I shared my worry..see it is in the pretty writing..that is me sharing but not saying it. Do you get what I mean? I am feeling better now. Gosh it is good to share .
Okay they said it is time..so here we go...I am ready to get this done and over with and behind me. I am ready to move .
Please check back tonight for my post about Philip's upcoming operation.