Thursday, April 23, 2009
From A Mom's Heart....
There are two parts of my heart. And sometimes it gets hard to keep them separate. I know many of you moms out there know what I am talking about. Another way to describe it is "trying to find that balance". One part of you is the sweet , carefree , loving, can do and be everywhere mom. The other and all too real part is the mom who is mom who feels sad, burden, loving and feels like she can fix nothing mom. I am both of these moms. And lately it is causing me to feel worn down...freaked out...like a failure...and never good at either one.
Now before you all feel like you have to tell me how much you respect me or how wonderful you think I am...that is not what this is about. This is just about some raw feelings that I have to say ..out loud to someone. And since my family lives with it daily. And really it is not safe to talk to strangers in the street. I come here.
Here...this is my place. The place I come when things are good. Things are okay. And things are sad or scary.
So back to my heart. Wanna know something. All of you who think I am strong . I think I am really weak. I have not been handling things very well. I have been worrying, and stressing, no sleeping, not eating and plain sad some days. Not everyday but more often the closer we get to surgery. Instead of feeling in control ...I feel like I am white knuckle every step of my life.
One part is me LOVES to come and post about the PINK. We laugh and we joke and we make fun happy memories. But they seem clouded..with THIS,
The thing is.I need to find a peace. A inner peace. I am depending on God. I lay awake at night and pray to God. I know that God has never let Philip down. On my worse days God has always lifted my heart and helped Philip. Yet I am not at peace. I hear the words to depend on God. And I think I am. Yet I am scared ...a deep scared.
If you asked me what I am scared of..I would have to really think before I answered. I think what scares me most is Philip hurting. I love Philip more then anyone person should love someone . From the minute I saw him I promised to always take care of him. And now I can do NOTHING to help him. I watch him hurt. I watch him suffer. I watch the seizures. I have watched him be wheeled off to surgery for 18 brain operations...I have watched him scream in pain...on and on..and there I am ..his mom..standing there..yes I support him...yes I love him...but I feel helpless.
Last night things reached a really bad point. Philip is in so much pain. The process of getting ready for this surgery is almost cruel. But it is needed. There is NO way around it. Like so many things in Philip's life he just has to do it. Well last night he was at a point where he had just had enough. I was sick from my treatment. Reed needed help picking out classes for high school. Emily was being a preteen girl. Cole was being spiderman. Jim was NOT doing the dishes. And Philip blew up and said he was NOT going to do the surgery. Well he has to do it. And so me being the mom I am..I tell him he has to do it..which he knows. He goes into a very emotional out burst and tells me I do not understand. And you know what he is right. But he does not understand how hard it is for me to watch him suffer too. It was just hard..sad...a little bit ugly..and a lot hurtful.
The end of the conversation Philip said something I will never forget.
He looked at me and with his lip quivering said..My future does not look to good mom.
Dear God..Please help me.. help my son...
Posted at 12:57 PM