Thursday, April 23, 2009

From A Mom's Heart....


There are two parts of my heart. And sometimes it gets hard to keep them separate. I know many of you moms out there know what I am talking about. Another way to describe it is "trying to find that balance". One part of you is the sweet , carefree , loving, can do and be everywhere mom. The other and all too real part is the mom who is mom who feels sad, burden, loving and feels like she can fix nothing mom. I am both of these moms. And lately it is causing me to feel worn down...freaked out...like a failure...and never good at either one.
Now before you all feel like you have to tell me how much you respect me or how wonderful you think I am...that is not what this is about. This is just about some raw feelings that I have to say ..out loud to someone. And since my family lives with it daily. And really it is not safe to talk to strangers in the street. I come here.
Here...this is my place. The place I come when things are good. Things are okay. And things are sad or scary.
So back to my heart. Wanna know something. All of you who think I am strong . I think I am really weak. I have not been handling things very well. I have been worrying, and stressing, no sleeping, not eating and plain sad some days. Not everyday but more often the closer we get to surgery. Instead of feeling in control ...I feel like I am white knuckle every step of my life.
One part is me LOVES to come and post about the PINK. We laugh and we joke and we make fun happy memories. But they seem clouded..with THIS,
The thing is.I need to find a peace. A inner peace. I am depending on God. I lay awake at night and pray to God. I know that God has never let Philip down. On my worse days God has always lifted my heart and helped Philip. Yet I am not at peace. I hear the words to depend on God. And I think I am. Yet I am scared ...a deep scared.
If you asked me what I am scared of..I would have to really think before I answered. I think what scares me most is Philip hurting. I love Philip more then anyone person should love someone . From the minute I saw him I promised to always take care of him. And now I can do NOTHING to help him. I watch him hurt. I watch him suffer. I watch the seizures. I have watched him be wheeled off to surgery for 18 brain operations...I have watched him scream in pain...on and on..and there I am ..his mom..standing there..yes I support him...yes I love him...but I feel helpless.
Last night things reached a really bad point. Philip is in so much pain. The process of getting ready for this surgery is almost cruel. But it is needed. There is NO way around it. Like so many things in Philip's life he just has to do it. Well last night he was at a point where he had just had enough. I was sick from my treatment. Reed needed help picking out classes for high school. Emily was being a preteen girl. Cole was being spiderman. Jim was NOT doing the dishes. And Philip blew up and said he was NOT going to do the surgery. Well he has to do it. And so me being the mom I am..I tell him he has to do it..which he knows. He goes into a very emotional out burst and tells me I do not understand. And you know what he is right. But he does not understand how hard it is for me to watch him suffer too. It was just hard..sad...a little bit ugly..and a lot hurtful.
The end of the conversation Philip said something I will never forget.
He looked at me and with his lip quivering said..My future does not look to good mom.
Dear God..Please help me.. help my son...

34 comments:

Vickie said...

Amy..I am standing here in front of my computer, weeping for you, for Philip, for the sadness of the reality you're facing. I am weeping and praying for you both..

Hugs to you my friend.

Stacie said...

I wish I knew what to say. I know! You look WAY too young to have a teenage son. Seriously!

Cindy said...

IT's good to have a place like this to vent, cry, share your joys, and all the ups and downs in between. Sending you and Philip hugs!

April said...

I know I've said to you before that I will never pretend to understand how you're feeling, but today, I feel this incredible connection. All my life, all I ever wanted to be was a mother. Nothing else! There have been several scary times with my girls (nothing like what you're experiencing!), but times that have brought me to my knees. That feeling of complete helplessness has overtaken me, at times, and it's pained me to know that there was nothing I could do to make the situation better, except BE THERE. Amy, I think I've told you before, but I don't believe you or Philip realize just how much you're helping each other through this difficult time. Even through all the ups and downs, highs and lows...you're there for one another!

I hope you know just how badly I wish I could take the hurt and pain away that both you and Philip are experiencing. I'm praying for you fervently...I trust that God hears!

Jen said...

I wish wish wish I had something to say that would ease your heart - just know that you're in my thoughts and prayers.

♥ Becky ♥ said...

Amy, I can't imagine how hard this must be for you, but I know that God will take care of Phillip and you. I pray every day for your strength to continue and for Phillip's pain to subside.
This blog is your sanctuary and I'm glad that you feel you can come here and talk about everything. I hope that the days come quickly for Phillip's surgery so he can feel better, even though I know you are scared for the surgery. We are all here for you no matter what and will continue to be your shoulder when you need us.
Becky

Hope said...

I don't know what to say. I think what you're feeling is normal. You have some extreme circumstances, hon. I think you handle them very well.

I agree with Cindy, it's good that you can vent here. This is your space, Thank you for sharing it with us.

Hugs and prayers,
Hope

Rachel said...

Amy - I am praying with tears in my eyes.

I know it's easy to say "depend on God", but it is so incredibly hard to do - to feel it all the way down where all the hurt and fear is.

And Philip's frustration... can you imagine not being able to share it with someone you love and trust? That person is YOU. He absolutely knows that you love him beyond imagining. You are safe for him to "blow up" at, to share his fears with.

It sucks, and it's hard for him. But I've been in both places (same as you - but to a lesser degree)... guess what? It's HARDER being the mom and watching your kid be wheeled off to surgery and hurt. It's harder than doing it yourself.

So all those feelings - I hope you can channel them into your conversations with God. Because HE is YOUR safe person. He can handle it.

And I bet He's hurting just as much as you are.

Don't let anything rob you of the joy of the miracle that Philip is. It's hard, yes. But he is still a miracle.

Lisa said...

I am so sorry Amy. I wish that I could help, but the only way I can help is to keep praying for you, Philip and the rest of your family.

((HUGS))

Sheryl said...

i am not going to share any empty words except to tell you that i have read your words, my mom's heart aches with you and i am praying!

AmberW said...

Oh my heart is just absolutely broken...
I wish I could come and scoop you all up and take you to a far away island that has some sorta miracle cure for all of our aches and pains...
You know I am sending my love...

Vivienne said...

Amy I am so sad for you, for Philip, for your whole family. I really choked up at the end of your post when Philip said that to you.

I can only imagine how overwhelmed, tired and scared you must feel. No parent should have to go through what you're going through and no child should have to endure that kind of pain.

I'm glad your blog is a cathartic outlet for you. You say you're not strong, but your readers think you are, and God must know you are, because He says he will never give us anything we can't handle WITH HIS HELP.

I know sometimes it can feel like you're praying into an empty phone, or all you can articulate is "please" over and over. God is there and knows what you're trying to say.

Hang in there.

Call Me Cate said...

Praying for Philip and your family. I can't imagine...

Blessed Mom of 8 said...

Amy - it is so good to be honest and let out all the real and raw emotions. There is no need to hide them. No need to pretend life is good when it is hurting.

God knows how hard this is and through it He is working things for your good and His glory. Despite the enormous amount of pain - the suffering is all done in His name. Not for vain!

Remember when the days and nights are longer than you can bear - ask Him to lift you and keep you safe. Ask Him to be the hands and feet for all of the needs placed before you now. Ask Him to love you through this as ONLY He can. Ask Him to comfort you and take away the fears. Ask Him to comfort your preteen daughter and spiderman. Ask Him to fill them with the peace that surpasses all understanding. Above all else just ask Him. Come as you are - right here today broken needing your Father to get you through this. His promise to you Amy is that no matter what is going on - He will!

Hugs and many prayers being lifted up for you and Philip!

Your heart is precious and a jewel in His crown!
Jill

Beth E. said...

I am praying, Amy!

IJ y JDs Mami said...

Sorry you going through all this... your right sometimes its just good to have a place like this to just let it out and be you .. I pray for you and your family.. May our Heavenly Father Bless you and your family and give you peace of mind and heart..

Krissy said...

I lasted until the last line of this. I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through or what Philip is going through right now but I am 100% behind you guys in whatever way I can be. You are both incredible people who have been given a journey with many rough bumps, turns and unknowns along the way and it seems there are many to come as well.

You guys are always on my mind and in my prayers and if you need anything, I'll do everything in my power to help.

Sending hugs to you and your family <3.

Kelli said...

I'm so sorry that you are all going through this. I can't imagine how hard it is to watch your child in pain. I'm praying for God's mercy and peace for you and Phillip right now.

Liz (Loving Mom 2 Boys) said...

I am sending all my love and hugs to you right now Amy.

(((HUGS)))

Liz

Shari said...

Oh Amy, I,too, am weeping for you and your precious boy. I am praying and keeping you close. I wish I had the right words to make it all better and I don't.

(((hugs)))

brenda in seattle said...

I've been following your story for the past few weeks. Heard about you on the riggsfamilyblog. I can't even begin to imagine the difficulties you are facing right now but know that someone is praying for you in Seattle.

Rachel said...

Hope you find unexpected blessings today. You are always amazing at finding those moments of gratefulness.

Something that I mentioned in the award for you on our blog today :)

Carla said...

Oh Amy, I'm in tears--for you, for me, for us! I totally know how you feel and feel the exact same way. I do have peace, but need to reflect on how I got there. I think one huge thing that helped me get there wasa book called A New Kind of Normal. Best book ever and was all about accepting these difficult circumstances and still have peace. If you send me your address, I can mail it to you : ). I will ofrewarn you, I cried through the whole book, but it was refreshing.

Gavin has taken to screaming "I hate you!" to me when I force his meds on him sometimes or hold him down to get poked....tonight he screamed that he wishes I would get sick after I explained to him that he needs his meds so he wont be sick. It breaks my heart because it does suck. He's right! But it just is and we cant change that.

He seemed to get it in his almost 4year old brain. baby steps, I just gotta keep taking baby steps.

(((Hugs))) I am praying for you and wishing we lived near each other...

xoxo,
Carla (Masto mama)

City girl turned Country Girl said...

I too know nothing about the pain you and your family especially your precious son are feeling. But what I do know is that fear of trusting God with everything, there is always that question; Am I? Am I trusting him completely? How do we know that we are giving all of our worries to him when we still feel this constant worry and sorrow and pain. I think that is just the human side of us and even if we don't feel right God knows our heart so whatever it is that needs to be said to him or not said he already knows... I am so glad you have this outlet to just vent and hurt in the flesh because I'm sure with your health and Philip's it is unimaginable how you get through the days. I will be praying for all of you and I know God is with you. And remember no on here would ever think anything bad because you can't be happy go lucky all of the time, you are human...

ixtapacheryl said...

Oh Amy ..... I'm sitting here crying for you and Phillip. Getting caught up on your blog it just brings back all of the memories of Jeff. I know what you mean about wanting to run away - reducing the pain - dealing with the raw emotional feelings. I truly wish I could just give you a big hug and be there for you.

I just returned from Jeff's funeral yesterday and flying into Tampa was raw for me. I'm sure the guy sitting next to me was wondering why I just sat looking out the window and occasionally crying silently. I don't think I said one word during the 2.5 hour flight.

It is just so hard and dealing with what you have to deal with is beyond comprehension. All I can do is pray hard for all of you.

Big hugs to all of you!

Rene said...

Oh, my dear sweet friend, I'm sorry I didn't read this yesterday and I hope that you are feeling somewhat better today with all this prayer going on around you! I added another one for you this morning!! You know it and I probably don't have to remind you but God is in control even when it doesn't feel like it. You are doing everything you should do both as a mother and a caregiver for your son -- yes, there is a difference, as I well know! The mother needs to protect her child from any pain at any cost but the caregiver needs to help the patient through the pain knowing that it is necessary. With my husband I sometimes put the wife side of me in the closet and try to stay in the now as the caregiver. I find that guards my heart a bit -- I hope that makes sense.

Hang in there sweet one and know you are precious to us all!

Hugs,

Rene

JANE said...

Oh Amy.... my heart breaks for him. Just know your prayers will not be the only ones, we moms hang together and pray together!

bluesuede said...

I started a comment last night and deleted it. I just want you to know that I'm here ...

Painter Mommy said...

This is actually the first time I am visiting your site. You are a subscriber to my Painter Mommy blog. I have read through several of your posts as well as your son's story - WOW! What an inspiration! Your strength and faith are amazing.

I can't even tell you how happy I am that you were picked by random to be the winner of my giveaway. You deserve it girl!

You have won the Romantica Home Spa set that includes Alluring Body Lotion, Luxurious Bath & Shower Gel, Salt Glow Body Scrub and Sensuous Bath Salts.

Please email me your info so I can pass it on to the giveaway host.

Congratulations! I am going to subscribe now to your blog! Lotsa love to you and your family, DAWN

Email - Dawn@PainterMommy.com
@PainterMommy

misty said...

I'm not going to pretend to know how your feeling or tell you some pat cliche. But I am your friend and I just want you to know I pray for you, I cry for you and am here for you through good and bad.

Mimi said...

Always praying for you and I am here if you need anything! Thank you again for your lovely gift. You are so special.

Love,
Kami

Gellyfish said...

Prayers and positive thoughts from Tennessee.

wife.mom.nurse said...

oh Amy, I am praying...

Farmgirl Paints said...

What do I say to that post?? I feel such a sadness for you and your Phillip. All I know is that God is in it no matter the out come. Trust and let go. As a mom that advice sounds so shallow. If it were me would I be able to do that?? I don't know, but you have to try.

Thanks for sharing your struggles. It's good that you have this platform to get the support you need. My prayers are with you.