Ya know I try to show a positive attitude in my blog. Many of you seem to think I am strong and I just have to ask are you sure it is my blog you are reading?
Today I am not strong . I am going to work hard to get there by the end of the day...so here I am ...
Each of you who follow my blog have no idea how much the support has helped me. I know I have said that a lot . But I sometimes wonder if I depend on all of you too much. And since I have a habit of doing that...why stop now.
I am too worn down to sugar coat how I feel today. For a few days now the tears have just flowed. I feel out of sorts, out of place and just worn out.
I have not felt well this week. I have not snapped back . I just can not snap out of this. Last night my bones ached so bad I was in bed in tears. I have to admit I felt a little defeated. Between being sick all week and in pain yesterday. I felt emotionally and physically beaten up a little.
Then there is the constant worry of the issues with Philip. I have come to a place that I know we are doing what needs to be done. But I can honestly say my heart and stomach are anxious. I have this feeling. Not a bad one. Not a good one. Just a feeling of dread. Yet when Philip and I talk about things , all he will ever see is a positive...we will do what we need to do attitude...and then when we are done..I feel dread. I have decided dread can wear a girl down.
Now for the big news . I have not said anything because I had hoped I would wake up and it was a dream. But reality is...this is not a dream.
There is big worry of Jim being laid off. He went back to work part days this week and the first day ended up in a meeting with a boss and each day there has been some issue ....that seems to shout that things are not good. Jim has worked at the same place for 18 years this May. Never has he told me he is worried about his job. This week everyday the worry gets more clear.
I have prayed. I am worried and then prayed non stop.
I shave spent two nights thinking ..what can we cut down on. Well in truth..not really anything. I can not help but to think about insurance issues.
I feel like maybe I could lose it. Did I say that ? Okay well today I feel that way. We are behind on every bill including the house from when Jim was out of work. I can not help but think if we were caught up somewhat I could see things more clearly ..with the We can do it talks I am having with myself.
I guess today I just feel kind of alone. Maybe I do it to myself. There is no family support here except for Jim parents and they do all they can do, and more. Reality is...we have to depend on our family of 6 to make things okay...and maybe that is what God is trying to beat into my head. But I feel weak emotionaly today ....and I need to feel stronger.
Maybe I am just tired today. I mean It takes a lot of effort to put on that happy face when the kids are home. They worry enough with things like illness that we can not hide...I just can not let them see me fall apart. I hate for Jim to see me worried cause I know he is worried. heck last night when I was sick from my treatments I tried to hide it..I wanted things to just be OK last night.
I know in so many ways things could be worse. I have used that slogan for my whole life with Philip's stuff. Philip is here. I have options for my medical stuff and am blessed to be able to go to treatment today and it is covered under insurance today....and Jim does still have his job today.
Okay..time to dry the tears...and go get ready for my treatment...and maybe get some sweet cuddle time with Cole Tre...Gosh he is the best cuddle...
I know I do not need to say this..But I am sorry I am so down today. I just feel a little worn out and really sad. I know God will make sure we are okay. Yet I am a mess. I would appreciate any prayers you can offer today.
Things are going to be okay...and I will work on a better attitude.