Thursday, March 19, 2009

Feeling Worn Down Today...

Ya know I try to show a positive attitude in my blog. Many of you seem to think I am strong and I just have to ask are you sure it is my blog you are reading?
Today I am not strong . I am going to work hard to get there by the end of the day...so here I am ...
Each of you who follow my blog have no idea how much the support has helped me. I know I have said that a lot . But I sometimes wonder if I depend on all of you too much. And since I have a habit of doing that...why stop now.
I am too worn down to sugar coat how I feel today. For a few days now the tears have just flowed. I feel out of sorts, out of place and just worn out.
I have not felt well this week. I have not snapped back . I just can not snap out of this. Last night my bones ached so bad I was in bed in tears. I have to admit I felt a little defeated. Between being sick all week and in pain yesterday. I felt emotionally and physically beaten up a little.
Then there is the constant worry of the issues with Philip. I have come to a place that I know we are doing what needs to be done. But I can honestly say my heart and stomach are anxious. I have this feeling. Not a bad one. Not a good one. Just a feeling of dread. Yet when Philip and I talk about things , all he will ever see is a positive...we will do what we need to do attitude...and then when we are done..I feel dread. I have decided dread can wear a girl down.
Now for the big news . I have not said anything because I had hoped I would wake up and it was a dream. But reality is...this is not a dream.
There is big worry of Jim being laid off. He went back to work part days this week and the first day ended up in a meeting with a boss and each day there has been some issue ....that seems to shout that things are not good. Jim has worked at the same place for 18 years this May. Never has he told me he is worried about his job. This week everyday the worry gets more clear.
I have prayed. I am worried and then prayed non stop.
I shave spent two nights thinking ..what can we cut down on. Well in truth..not really anything. I can not help but to think about insurance issues.
I feel like maybe I could lose it. Did I say that ? Okay well today I feel that way. We are behind on every bill including the house from when Jim was out of work. I can not help but think if we were caught up somewhat I could see things more clearly ..with the We can do it talks I am having with myself.
I guess today I just feel kind of alone. Maybe I do it to myself. There is no family support here except for Jim parents and they do all they can do, and more. Reality is...we have to depend on our family of 6 to make things okay...and maybe that is what God is trying to beat into my head. But I feel weak emotionaly today ....and I need to feel stronger.
Maybe I am just tired today. I mean It takes a lot of effort to put on that happy face when the kids are home. They worry enough with things like illness that we can not hide...I just can not let them see me fall apart. I hate for Jim to see me worried cause I know he is worried. heck last night when I was sick from my treatments I tried to hide it..I wanted things to just be OK last night.
I know in so many ways things could be worse. I have used that slogan for my whole life with Philip's stuff. Philip is here. I have options for my medical stuff and am blessed to be able to go to treatment today and it is covered under insurance today....and Jim does still have his job today.
Okay..time to dry the tears...and go get ready for my treatment...and maybe get some sweet cuddle time with Cole Tre...Gosh he is the best cuddle...
I know I do not need to say this..But I am sorry I am so down today. I just feel a little worn out and really sad. I know God will make sure we are okay. Yet I am a mess. I would appreciate any prayers you can offer today.

Things are going to be okay...and I will work on a better attitude.

21 comments:

Vickie said...

I sooo wish I had words that could ease your burden. Please know that I am praying for your family. The following is a quote that I find myself clinging to when I feel overwhelmed. Maybe it will be of some comfort to you as well...

"There is nothing--no circumstance, no trouble, no testing--that can ever touch me until, first of all it has gone past God and past Christ, right through to me. If it has come this far, it has come with a great purpose, which I may not understand at the moment. But as i refuse to become panicky, as I lift up my eyes to Him and accept it as coming from the throne of God for some great purpose of blessing to my own heart, no sorrow will ever disturb me, no trial will ever disarm me, no circumstance will cause me to fret---for I shall rest in the Lord of what my joy is---that is the rest of victory. (Alan Redpath)

Denise @ Sunflowers, Chocolate and Little Boys said...

I feel so bad for you. I know you have so much on your mind. Please try to give it all to God and he will handle it for you. That is much easier said than done. I am going through alot right now too and find myself down a lot....I think letting us know how your feeling and letting us support you is a good thing. {{{HUGS}}} I am praying for you and you family. That every situation that your facing will work out for the best. And that you will find some relief and feel better. God Bless You!

Grace said...

Always prayers for you dear one. You don't depend on us too much... that's what we are here for. Hugs and hopes for a better time...

Lori said...

I am so sorry to hear all of this.. You and your family are in my thoughts. Keep your chin up! I hope everything will work out for you and your family.
I'm sending you a blog hug :)

Things are getting pretty bad here at my work, but we have to keep our chins up and hope something will turn around. You are not alone.
Thanks for sharing your stories.. You are loved out here in blogland.
Take care my friend...

Liz (Loving Mom 2 Boys) said...

Oh hon I am so sorry. But happy or sad you still are strong. Strong is not putting on a happy face - strong is pushing forward, trying, and perservering. Strong is being there for you children and husband when all you want to do is curl up in bed. You are not being weak by sharing this with us, you carry so much no one expects you to smile every moment of every day.

I will be praying hard for you and your family right now.

Much love and many hugs
Liz

April said...

Amy~
You have no reason to apologize for not feeling strong or having an emotionally difficult day! YOU ARE HUMAN!!! My goodness, Amy, anyone who's going through what you are right now would feel distraught, sad, and often, helpless. Even though I'm a Christian, I've experienced each one of those emotions whenever I've gone through some valleys. With that being said, I think that you may not realize just how strong you are! You are strong because you can get on here and be completely open and honest about your life situation and you don't hold anything...ANYTHING back! I love and admire that about you so much! You keep things REAL! Do you know how much strength that takes? LOTS!

So, you just keep sharing about your life exactly as you have been, openly and honestly. You can bet that I will say a prayer for you that God will help you through your treatments and that you will feel the love from so many of us who care! Praying for Jim and his job situation, too.

Charmaine said...

I would be feeling worn down if I was in your shoes too...you have alot to deal with. Having cancer is hard enough on it's own, but to also have Phillip's situation, the recent health scare with Jim and now his job situtation, we all would be lying if we said it was nothing to worry about or feel down about. What I use in these cases is this "If you pray why worry and if you worry why pray" Part of praying is believing that God has a master plan and that he is going to to take care of the situation. Sending prayers for you to feel comfort, to feel confident that God has a master plan for you, for Phillip and for Jim...praying that you find joy today, so that you don't have to work so hard to put on that happy face. Praying for you to know that it is OK to feel worn down, that we still love you and care about you whether you are up or down...Take Care and God Bless

OhYeahBabe said...

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad, Amy. I can't imagine what it's like to be you right now. God uses weakness to show His strength!
OYB

Melissa said...

I'm pretty sure if I had everything going on that you do I would be pretty down, too.

Hang in there! (((hugs)))

Dawn said...

Praying that you find peace today!

Kim said...

My heart goes out to you. I so wish there was something I could do to make things better for you.
My best friend, from high school recently started chemo for metastatic breast cancer, stage IV. Her hair is now coming out by the handfuls. She is trying to keep up a brave front, as you do,
most of the time. I will be praying for both of you.

Aspiemom said...

I read your post today with such a heavy heart, Amy. You don't need to be worrying about so many things! You have so many things going on right now and I wish I could help.

Then I looked over and saw that you have 130 followers. Hmmmm. I know you are not asking for money and you would never do that.

But I can't help but think that if each person who follows you sent you $5, let alone $10...it could really make a difference! I doubt if everyone will be reading the comments and people don't know your mailing address (unless they contact me!), but it's a thought I just had.

With all of the physical problems you are going through and Philip is going through, I wish you didn't have to think about the financial and job problems!

AmberW said...

Amy - you do NOT have to be strong all the time. You remind me of me, except I am not nearly as strong as you. I can hear that you are trying really hard to be strong, you want so badly to put a positive spin on things - but you are completely and 100% entitled to feel overwhelmed, sad, defeated. Things are going to get better - and I never ever stop praying for you, for Philip, for the rest of your family. And now I will add your hubby to the list - and pray that his job is not in danger.
All my love and hugs to you my friend!!

Anonymous said...

Please know that you are a amazing person and that you are a light to all of us.

Denise said...

Amy,I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. It just seems more than you can bear. I can remember when my husband was in the hospital the 5 weeks before he died from his burn injuries that it was a roller coaster ride. Things just kept going wrong and I wondered if I could do it, could I go on? So I prayed for strength and I told myself to just make it through the next hour and it would be okay. And then the next hour. I told myself I could worry in an hour. And I would worry for a few minutes and tell myself I couldn't worry for a few more hours. At my weakest moments when I would say "I can't do this." I would then tell myself. "Okay, you can't go on. What does that mean? How do you stop? Of course you go on." That's when I developed the "I can worry in an hour strategy."

I am praying for strength for you but most of all I'm praying for peace.

Tim said...

Amy,

We are so praying for you guys. Be strong, I know thats easier said than done. God does have a plan for you guys and sometimes it means adversity to see his true will. Carey got laid off a few years ago and because of it found a job immediately that paid 25k more than what she was making, only 10 miles from our house(thats a very short distance in Houston), and benefits out the kazzoo that we didnt have before at the other company. Since being there she has gotten two promotions, 5 raises, and 4 bonuses all over 10k. God works in strange ways sometimes, maybe He is just trying to open up a door for Jim?

Love and Prayers,

Tim

Oh, make sure you check out the giveaway at Fort Thompson!

Carla said...

Hi Amy,
Thank you for leaving a comment on my blog. : ) I just spent the last hour reading your blog and my heart just hurts for you. In some ways, I can identify with how you must be feeling--in more ways than you know--even though the circumstances and the way it all came about are different.

My husband suffered a traumatic brain injury 10 years ago (we were together then too). He was in a coma for 3 weeks and had to relearn everything. He had half of his skull removed and they didnt put it back until 6 months later. He's had 4 grand mal seizures, the last one was almost 2years ago.

Then, I may have RA, and I do have mastocytosis/mast cell activation disorder (an autoimmune mast cell disease). We dont know about the RA for sure yet. I have the factor in my blood, and have non specific arthritis findings on scans, and inflamation in some peripheral joints. We're still investigating.

In addition to my son, my daughter was really ill the first 4-5 years of her life. She has bone lesions, and has mastocytosis too. She had two stomach surgeries and had a period of time where she turned blue almost everyday for over a year.

Then my son. He is going to have his stomach removed.

Even though there are some similarities, I know the circumstances are different. However, I can relate to the feelings that come when it feels like you got way more than your fair share of heartache. I have, on more than one occasion, told the Lord that I thought there should be a rule that says every family can only have one major heartache of a problem. Why do we have so much hardship and someone else apparently has none?! It's unfair distribution here!!!

Nevertheless, I trust the Lord. I know that we suffer because sin is in the world. I know that in the Bible, the great faith filled men and women were ones with turbulent pasts, and were ones inflicted with difficult things--they were ones who lived on God's grace, because it is sufficient. I know that Job was allowed much suffering because God knew he wouldn't forsake Him. He was a huge testament to the meaning of faith in God, and it's such an encouragement, because this suffering is temporary.

We will be fully restored into God's image and live for eternity with him without any hardship at all someday. Until then, I am so thankful that he gives us what we need to get through each day, even though many of those days are spent in tears.

I so wish I could live near you and we could lean on each other--two moms, pressing on to get through each day....but we are on opposite sides of the country! (I'm in California)

Know that I am praying for you, and hoping for good things to come from this stream of seemingly neverending series of suffering.

One thing I didn't find, what is Phillip's diagnosis exactly?? I saw that he had a stroke, and seizures, and read a little about the surgery, but I dont really know more than that. I saw that you have RA and Non hodgekin's lymphoma, and your husband's high BP and herniated discs....is there more? What surgery is he having and why?

I put your button's on my blog, and added my name to your list of followers. I will be following your journey and hoping for healing for all 3 of you.

Lots of (((Hugs))) and tissue(!) coming your way.....
Love in Christ,
Carla (Masto Mama)
http://mastomama.blogspot.com/

bluesuede said...

Amy, I don't know what happened to my comment yesterday. First, I typed it and got in a hurry and didn't send it, but then, I did send it when I got home. I said all of that, so that you will know that I am still following you, but of course, you already know that. You and your family will remain in my heart. I'm sending you huge load of Tennessee love.

ixtapacheryl said...

You have every right to feel down ..... I know everything must feel overwhelming and that you can't handle one more thing on your plate - but you'd be surprised at how strong you really are.

The prayers are still pouring in from Homosassa, FL.

Hugs :)

JC said...

Leave all your troubles to God. He will take care of you. I'll add you to my prayer list. Breathe, exhale, keep thinking positive, A good affirmation to remember, taken from Florence Scovel Shinn, "God is my unfailing & immediate supply of all good." "Be strong! Fear not."

What's next said...

I am praying for you!