Tuesday, February 3, 2009


=Today I could use some prayers from my wonderful faithful friends. You may of noticed that this past week I did not blog except for yesterday which I wrote earlier..I so hope you all enjoyed my story.
This past week I have been worried....worried in a way that I have made myself sick. There was a issue last week with a appt for Philip that turned complicated . I felt a little attacked a a mom and yet at the same time I could see where the DR was coming from. The appt ended on a very off note and I have been checking the mail everyday for a letter of discharge for Philip from his Drug program. Who would of thought I would have a fight about me under medicating him and them wanting to over medicate him. It is a long story and to make it simple...I dropped Philip pain meds because he could not function on them...he slept all day...he rubbed his nose all day...he made no sense all day...and simply he could not function. The issue was his pain was the same on the pain just he was drugged. So when Philip took his drug test he failed it due to too LOW of a drug level. I should of spoken to the DR first about this. But as a mom I just did what I thought was best . The rules of a drug program are different and strict. Funny how I am worried about him being kicked out for too little of drugs vs too many which is why most get kicked out. I came home freaking out...sick..thinking..I have ruined Philip's chances at getting help ....guilt is not a strong enough word...trust me.
A wonderful friend called and I was crying ...scared...not knowing what to do....and she said...basicaly...deal with it. So the next day I went and gave a letter to his nurse . He was not there. Today we are due to see his partner. I know our DR is on vacation so he may or may not of read the letter. But today we may get removed from the program. Everyday I hold my breathe when I check the mail. It is crazy.
Part of me knows that I am a mom who is trying my best. Part of me knows I handled things wrong and I would do it different if I could do over. Oh ..do over...what a nice concept...huh? One reason this program is so important is...he is the best...he is the one you want...so with saying that....why did I not trust him or talk to him....I planned to but the test came first and them I was thrown off guard...excuses..I know...
The reason I NEED him to be with this DR is he is such a great suregon. And Philip's needs are so complex....with the prior brain operations. He is the best and I need him to be the one to help Philip. But not on that many meds. And yet I know this was a short term trail of meds. I just did not think things through.
This week I had him take his meds as the DR wanted...and he could not function. So today is the day. Today I find out what is going to happen.

So here is the letter...

I wanted to write you this in case I do not get to speak to you before our next appointment. I owe you a explanation about Philip's drug test .
Philip has been taking the morphine extended release daily and had been taking the perceott 10 mg for his pain. He also had been on the anti seizure medication. During this time period. He was sleeping more then he was awake and doing nothing .As you know I have always fought very hard to make sure Philip is active and involved in school and active with his friends. On this medication he did nothing and could not function . I made the mistake of trying to adjust his medication lower to find a balance. I should of contacted you . And was wrong and I apologize . I thought if he took the morphine and the loratab he could have some pain relief and still function. I was trying to find a balance between pain relief and seeing Philip function.
Earlier this week his pain level reached a very high level and I realized that my idea of a balance was not working and added back his meds. As I said he has been on the extended morphine daily. I added back the seizure medication . He has been at half dose seizure medication for a week and now is at full dose. So as of now he is on all meds full dose. The Morphine daily, seizure meds , perceott. He will not be missing any of his meds. I will keep a log. And you can urine or blood test him anytime you feel you need to. There will be no issues with any future drug test.
As you know I have always told you that I have been worried about the pain meds. But I also trust your judgement. I know you know what is best for Philip . I am sorry I did not handle this the right way. I was trying to help Philip and in the end I guess I hurt him. I am just a mom who is still learning. I did not plan to not follow your plan. I just had my operation and then was diagnosed with cancer and started treatments. One things lead to another and I tried to fix his issue. If you will I will let you fix him and I will stay out of it.
I have brought in the original bottle of meds to show the nurse so you know there has not been a issue with the meds. And as you know he will not be needing a refill for a while. I am still very hopeful you will consider a procedure that can help him without strong meds.
I trust your judgement. And I need you to help Philip get better. Please do not discharge him from your program. We need you. I would hate for Philip to suffer because I made a mistake trying to help him. If you would let me know ASAP if you are going to let him stay in the program it would wonderful. I am very concerned about this. And so is Philip.
Thank You,

Please pray for some calm peace for me to help Philip get clear answers today. I am still feeling pretty sick from my treatment and not myself. But today is the day and I need to just do it. So would you all help? Pray for me to feel strong and in control yet open to listening to a solution.
I NEED Philip to be okay.
I am wondering if God knew what he was doing when he decided to have me deal with these issues daily for Philip....Can there not be a cheat sheet?

I am dressed and my hair is done...a little lip gloss and some smell good...and I will go and hold my head high and say...I am a mom...I did the best I did with what I knew..now I will do better...I will not beg...

Anyone wanna go with me and hold my hand..lol


Lisa said...

Amy -

I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. I realize that you were just trying to help your son and that is what any "NORMAL" Mother would do for their child.

You and your family are always in my thoughts and prayers.


Liz (Loving Mom 2 Boys) said...

What a difficult time you are going through (((HUGS)) I will be praying for your strength today, as well as the Dr's understanding. You are doing what you think is best for your child, what most any mother would do. I will pray that the Drs realize that you made a choice for your son that you thought was best and not trying to abuse the system. Hopefully they will work with you to help find a way to help Phillip and his pain, without having such strong negative side effects.

You are in my prayers,

Denise said...

Im holding your hand. And Praying for all of you. Dont feel bad, you did what was right. I truly believe that as Moms, we know our children better than anyone. And you learned from this.....so please feel better. And know that God is with you, ALWAYS. Holding your hand and getting you through the rough spots.

annie kelleher said...

aw, consider your hand held and your shoulders hugged :). ive been away because of a sick puter. hoping all is healed... xoxox

bluesuede said...

Amy, I am sending you a virtual hand to hold. I wish I could help you in some way.

I can understand about Philip's medication. They put Daddy on morphine and he slept all the time. I thought if I backed him off, he would be able to visit a little with his friends. I learned my lesson. It was better to see him sleep peacefully than to be coughing every breath.

You and Philip along with Jim, Reed, Emily, and Cole are always in my thoughts and prayers.

Denise said...

I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this. I am praying that everything works out and you find some peace.

Denise said...

Praying for you right now. I know how hard it is to be a mom (I am one) and I know sometimes I wonder if I make the right decisions with Parker. It's hard! You did what you thought was best...and learned from it! Praying praying praying!

April said...

Such a powerful post, Amy. You did what you, as his mom, thought was best. As parents, sometimes we make good decisions; others, not so much. The point is that you followed your heart and no one can fault you for that!

I will definitely hold you close in my prayers for peace, calm, and strength to find solutions that will work. God bless!♥

Melissa said...

I wish I could hold your hand. I don't think you did anything wrong and I think that your doctor could have handled the situation better.

If Philip needs his meds to be taken exactly as prescribed then he should have made sure you were aware of that without making you feel as if you were wrong to worry. Don't beat yourself up.

And like you said, state your case but don't beg...your his mom, you get to ask questions and have concerns.


Shannon said...

In my heart I am holding your hand today.

ixtapacheryl said...

Oh Amy - I'm so sorry to hear about the pain meds. I know what you mean ... you want him to be pain free but still have some type of life. It's so hard to watch someone that basically is so tired from the meds he just sleeps.

I had heard over time that pain meds stop working after a while. My mother was on a ton of them in the past and for some strange reason her pain ended up worse and she was still on the pills. The meds messed with her mind - well you know the story. When she moved down here we got her off all meds and what a difference. She still has back pain - but she can think again.

I know what you were trying to do - find a happy medium. I'm almost positive the doctor will not kick you and Philip out of the program (especially after reading your letter).

Prayers are flowing your way my friend. Good luck today.

Aspiemom said...

That was a good letter to the dr.

Thanks for sharing this with us. I am praying for you.

JANE said...

Holding it over the bloggy-waves!!

misty said...

Praying for you,Philip and your family during this difficult time.I hope everything get worked out.Know that God is with you and he will see you through this.God Bless!

Hope said...

Bless your heart! I think you are an amazing Mom. There is nothing wrong with trying to help your child, you may have went about it the wrong way, but you love him and your intentions were pure. It goes against the very essence of being a mother to not be able to take the pain away from your children. I am praying the Dr treats your son.

I would've done the same thing! ((Hugs))

Patrice said...

I can't wait to hear what I'm sure will be good news. I'm sorry you had a rough week. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers as always!

2BIG said...

Our minister talked about this type of situation in the sermon on Sunday about how our plans and our way to handle some thing are not always God's way and some times God needs to just slap us upside the head to get our attention to do it his way.

I will be praying the talk was the smack and God's plan for Philip will be fulfilled with this doc's God given skills.

Mishel said...

I wish I could hold your hand and share some of your burden but I can't. I do know the One who can and will!!

I love your honesty and complete openness with your readers. I know you're not writing all of this to gain sympathy or pity. I can hear your heart in every word you write.

We don't know one another, but you now have a place in my heart. A place where God has placed you in order for me to remember to lift you up as often as He reminds me.

Be blessed and continue holding your head up! You are surrounded by prayers and our loving Savior is clearing away all the stumbling blocks and replacing them with stepping stones.