Tuesday, February 17, 2009

My Pity Party...

I have not thought I was depressed until today. Today I lost it. It has not been pretty. Swollen eyes,..red nose...ugly. For days now I have dreaded my mom leaving. It has been so nice for her to be here. And now I lay here and watch her packing to go and the tears just flow..way to easy.
The funny thing is...I just really have LOVED her being here. It just made me feel so secure ....and now I am feeling pretty empty. I did not see this overwhelming feeling coming but it is here and it is not good.
I know I am blessed. I have no doubt about it...but I feel pretty empty tonight. I know it normal to be sad because she is leaving...I mean she is my mom. But I can not seem to shake this crazy feeling...that I have nothing much to look forward to. I know I do...I am a mom and a wife ...but....
I think when I had my first operation it was on Oct 31st and I knew the holidays were coming soon. Then I had the next operation and it was Thanksgiving and Christmas and then the Diagnosis of Cancer. Then there was so much going on with all the scans and appts etc. Then I had this new operation and I knew my mom was coming. Now she has been here and is leaving...and really ...all I can seem to think is..what is there to look forward to? I should be saying Living...but my heart just says...I just seem so really sad and I just can not seem to stop the tears. Someone tell me to stop these crazy tears. I could end up needing extra fluids this week. Ha
It is not like we did anything so wonderful..I laid around and watched TV . I threw up for days and tried to heal from my operation and treatment. Plus it was nice to have her here while Jim was in the hospital. But it was nice to have her here...and have here and know she just cared what was going on. I guess that is what moms do...huh?
I guess maybe I am just down and tired and sick and sore and yadda yadda...but as much as I hate all those..I hate being sad. Stinks to be sad.
I guess in reality I did not really realize just how alone I had been feeling until my mom was here.
Oh someone please tell me to hush...

17 comments:

bluesuede said...

Oh, Amy, who wouldn't be having a pity party? I can't believe you haven't had one before now. I know that Jim is your rock and now that he's sick, you're scared. I'm praying for you and thinking of you constantly.

Amy B said...

Does this mean you are on your way? I know..I know...I so know about the flying thing...how long will it take you to drive? LOL
I would love to come sit and rock a LONG while with you...you know we could talk for days...
Love you..

Prudentia said...

We all are really just children, you know, and love the comfort that Mom brings. I'm sorry she has to go back to work. Makes me long for the days when families stayed planted close to each other and all. Then I think about how dysfunction that can really be sometimes and decide God knew what He was doing when he plopped me down onto the earth during THIS era :)

Maybe me and Eli should start walking tomorrow ...

Amy B said...

I will send you a ticket.. you and Eli...oh and my puppy...tell me what time to get you..
Maybe a long sweet Eli talk is what I need...This needs to happen this week. He always makes me smile. Just like his Mama..

Patrice said...

So sorry you're having a rough week/day! That's never any fun! :( Isn't it funny how you can be totally grown up but still love having your mom to take care of you!? I hope things get better for you, soon! And don't feel bad for venting, venting a lot of times makes me feel a lot better!

annie kelleher said...

theres nothing like mommy when you're sick. i dont get along all that great with my mother and even i want her around when im sick! so dont be surprised...you know we had to see a neurologist... this past weekend... she recommended chicken soup for helping heal from trauma... the homemade stuff you just throw the chicken in the pot with a few onions, carrots, celery... that sort fo thing?? she said it was the GREATEST for helping heal... just a thought ... feel better... i wish i were closer... i'd bring you some myself! xoxox... annie

ixtapacheryl said...

When I get in those moods over Jeff's decline and my frustrations .... I've started to pray. It somehow soothes me. I find myself praying while doing the strangest things - taking the garbage out - tube feeding him - getting his clothes out and trying to motivate him to get up and take a shower, shave, etc. I just get so tired of crying and if I do start I try to do it without Jeff seeing me. Sometimes I'm not always successful.

Remember - you are not alone. Not only to you have us mere mortals praying for you and your family but you've God listening. So talk to him - and always remember the little saying "pray, hope and don't worry". It's all in God's hands.

P.S. another little thought that runs though my head is I hate looking like I do after a long crying spell. That stops me dead in my tracks.

Charmaine said...

I would be crying buckets of tears too if I was in your shoes...why shouldn't you? You have had a whole lot on your plate for a very long time, you are dealing with very serious life changing events and they all are scary, having your mom there, gave you a sense of peace and calm, it gave you a feeling of child like security and now it is leaving....go ahead and cry your tears it can be very theraputic. Wish I could come and help you out, but you are about as far from me as a person can be in this country, so I will have to be satisfied with sending tons of prayers and good wishes, for you, Jim, Phillip and the family.

Vickie said...

Oh Amy!!! Of course you're broken hearted at your mom leaving. It's perfectly natural to feel the way you do.

I'm going to share something I have learned in life...it's so simple and yet it's profound at the same time. Here is it...

Go ahead and cry. Crying is good for you it helps to wash away the pain and fear and hopelessness that creeps in when we're faced with hard times.
Amy your tears are precious to God. Not one is wasted. Scripture promises us the God saves our tears in a bottle, that's how precious they are to Him.

Psalm 56:8 You have stored my tears in your bottle and counted each of them.

Go ahead and cry, my friend. Cry and allow Jesus to comfort your soul.

I wish I could come and sit with you and help in some way...but know that you are always in my prayers.

Love,
Vickie

Vickie said...

Oh Amy!!! Of course you're broken hearted at your mom leaving. It's perfectly natural to feel the way you do.

I'm going to share something I have learned in life...it's so simple and yet it's profound at the same time. Here is it...

Go ahead and cry. Crying is good for you it helps to wash away the pain and fear and hopelessness that creeps in when we're faced with hard times.
Amy your tears are precious to God. Not one is wasted. Scripture promises us the God saves our tears in a bottle, that's how precious they are to Him.

Psalm 56:8 You have stored my tears in your bottle and counted each of them.

Go ahead and cry, my friend. Cry and allow Jesus to comfort your soul.

I wish I could come and sit with you and help in some way...but know that you are always in my prayers.

Love,
Vickie

Rebecca Jo said...

I'm sorry.... its OK to have a pity party thought right now - you're sad... everyone wants the comfort of a mother when they are not feeling well....it'll get better...

Shannon said...

Amy I know just what you are talking about. It has been so great having my mom around for surgery and after. There is something about them just being there that makes life easier to deal with. Even if it's to hold your hair back when throwing up or bring you a sip of water or just be there to let you cry your pity party.
If I was there we could have a pity party together. We could throw up, then laugh because we're both throwing up, then cry because even laughing is painful. Then keep crying because it feels good. :)
Praying for you still...

Aspiemom said...

You are definitely allowed to have a pity party. It's so nice to have mom come when we aren't feeling well!!!

misty said...

I tried to comment but I don't think it worked, so I hope this isn't duplicate...I'm catching up here...Amy, sending you big hugs and love. Don't hush, it's good to get it out!I have been praying for you and your family so much to get some relief. With all the stress your under, I don't know how you do it. And you are right, there's nothing like Moms. Hoping things start looking up for you soon, we are here for you.

Hope said...

I wish I could hug you! I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I know whenever I'm scared, My Mom is the first person I turn to. It doesn't matter how old we are, we still need our mom. ((Hugs))

Mrs4444 said...

This ought to shake you out of it; imagine how many women do not have a mother to nurture them. You're lucky, really.

Did that help? Sorry,hon. Just trying to help you change focus.

Amy B said...

Thanks Ladies.
I think I just had a bad few hours. It hit me pretty hard that I am here with none of my family. And lately it seems like my main focus has been operations, cancer, brain operations, strokes...on and on. So a mom break was nice...but all good things have to come to a end..
Back to reality...She will be back.
Being able to come here and vent without being judged was wonderful as always...Thank you..
I am so glad it is the weekend..