I have not thought I was depressed until today. Today I lost it. It has not been pretty. Swollen eyes,..red nose...ugly. For days now I have dreaded my mom leaving. It has been so nice for her to be here. And now I lay here and watch her packing to go and the tears just flow..way to easy.
The funny thing is...I just really have LOVED her being here. It just made me feel so secure ....and now I am feeling pretty empty. I did not see this overwhelming feeling coming but it is here and it is not good.
I know I am blessed. I have no doubt about it...but I feel pretty empty tonight. I know it normal to be sad because she is leaving...I mean she is my mom. But I can not seem to shake this crazy feeling...that I have nothing much to look forward to. I know I do...I am a mom and a wife ...but....
I think when I had my first operation it was on Oct 31st and I knew the holidays were coming soon. Then I had the next operation and it was Thanksgiving and Christmas and then the Diagnosis of Cancer. Then there was so much going on with all the scans and appts etc. Then I had this new operation and I knew my mom was coming. Now she has been here and is leaving...and really ...all I can seem to think is..what is there to look forward to? I should be saying Living...but my heart just says...I just seem so really sad and I just can not seem to stop the tears. Someone tell me to stop these crazy tears. I could end up needing extra fluids this week. Ha
It is not like we did anything so wonderful..I laid around and watched TV . I threw up for days and tried to heal from my operation and treatment. Plus it was nice to have her here while Jim was in the hospital. But it was nice to have her here...and have here and know she just cared what was going on. I guess that is what moms do...huh?
I guess maybe I am just down and tired and sick and sore and yadda yadda...but as much as I hate all those..I hate being sad. Stinks to be sad.
I guess in reality I did not really realize just how alone I had been feeling until my mom was here.
Oh someone please tell me to hush...