Up and can not sleep.I have felt weak and "off" from my treatment last Friday......just been walking around thinking of too many things. I am in a little conflict with myself. I had planned to cancel Philip's appt this week because to be honest I know we are just not THERE yet about making a decision . The brain operation for the deep brain stimulator is not a easy decision and yet we can not do nothing. I am not even sure they can get the dang thing in. Tonight Philip broke down and vented in a not so great way just how much pain he is in all the time....so how in the world can I cancel the appt. Now I feel rushed and forced. I know you all may think I mean to make a decission. That is not what I mean...just to deal with it. Awful...Gosh that sounded awful to say..like how in the world can I say I do not want to deal with it. It is not a deal with issue..it is a wrap my brain but even more my heart around this.
I never ever say why..and I am trying hard to not say why tonight. But my mind is drifting towards..can we just not let him have a little break? He is losing strength in his left side and in severev pain in that side and he had a stroke on the right...soooooo ...well it hurts my heart...that is all I can say.
The other issue is..I am having a rather painful operation next week. And I will be required to be down and rest for weeks. So ...well just a example of trying to find that balance between Philip's medical issues and my new ones. Of course if I had my way I would just say forget mine and let's focus on his. But then again I need to make sure I am okay to stay around to be here for him.
Hey does anyone have a zanax?
Okay I said it..just needed to dump it out so now I can lay down at 4 am..cause the alarm goes off at 6 ..
Thanks for being a wonderful sounding board. Where else is there a place to come at 3:56 am and know someone will be here.
I am blessed by each of you. Thank You.