Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Thoughts at 3 am.....

Up and can not sleep.I have felt weak and "off" from my treatment last Friday......just been walking around thinking of too many things. I am in a little conflict with myself. I had planned to cancel Philip's appt this week because to be honest I know we are just not THERE yet about making a decision . The brain operation for the deep brain stimulator is not a easy decision and yet we can not do nothing. I am not even sure they can get the dang thing in. Tonight Philip broke down and vented in a not so great way just how much pain he is in all the how in the world can I cancel the appt. Now I feel rushed and forced. I know you all may think I mean to make a decission. That is not what I mean...just to deal with it. Awful...Gosh that sounded awful to how in the world can I say I do not want to deal with it. It is not a deal with is a wrap my brain but even more my heart around this.
I never ever say why..and I am trying hard to not say why tonight. But my mind is drifting towards..can we just not let him have a little break? He is losing strength in his left side and in severev pain in that side and he had a stroke on the right...soooooo ...well it hurts my heart...that is all I can say.
The other issue is..I am having a rather painful operation next week. And I will be required to be down and rest for weeks. So ...well just a example of trying to find that balance between Philip's medical issues and my new ones. Of course if I had my way I would just say forget mine and let's focus on his. But then again I need to make sure I am okay to stay around to be here for him.
Hey does anyone have a zanax?
Okay I said it..just needed to dump it out so now I can lay down at 4 am..cause the alarm goes off at 6 ..
Thanks for being a wonderful sounding board. Where else is there a place to come at 3:56 am and know someone will be here.
I am blessed by each of you. Thank You.


Lisa said...

Amy, I know you are flooded with so many thoughts and it would be nice to be able to get on with life instead of having to give this trial the attention it has to have right now. I know you have to put your life on hold to handle this situation plus the pain of it all does not help. Take one day at a time and know that God never puts more on us than we can handle plus He is there carrying you. Rest in His hands, ask Him for that peace that passes all understanding and for wisdom on what to do. We prayed this way for my parents and when treatment was needed it was provided and things just seem to fall into place. I will pray for you too, I am here if you need to talk. You can make it through this, you are a child of the Most High God and you are a Victor and not a victim. Love and prayers to you my friend.

April said...

Hi Amy~
I cannot imagine how tough it has to be to see your son in so much pain and to not be able to really do anything to help. I'm like you, I think after all he's been through, I'd want to allow him a break, too. I'm sure it gets to be overwhelming at times. Forgive me, Lord, for the times when I complain about a minor headache or a crick in my neck...I have NO reason to complain, at all! Amy, you've shown me that time and time, again! My little aches and pains are a walk in the park compared to what you and your son are experiencing. I pray that God will keep me more grounded from now on.

Will the brain stimulation help ease the pain Phillip is having? I'm sure you mentioned something about it, I just can't remember. I know it isn't an easy decision, either way.

I pray that God will ease your mind, my friend, and He'll make the path you need to follow more clear to you.'re in my thoughts and prayers!!!

Davisix said...

Amy...I know I've been a terrible bloggy friend and I'm so sorry. But please know, just because I don't always comment doesn't mean I don't always have you in my thoughts and prayers. I mean that! Love you!! Ang

Stacy said...

I can't imagine all the things you're going through. Just know that a lot of people are praying for you and Philip.

Aimee said...

Bless you deary...listen my prayer is that the Holy Spirit will whisper your restless spirit and give you the answers to the questions you need and want. I am praying that His instuctions will be plain, so you will know beyond a shadow of a doubt the decision that needs to be made. I am praying.

Denise said...


You are not terrible, or awful, or any other rotten adjective that you come up with. You are human and you are tired and overwhelmed. You are facing stress after stress OF COURSE you don't want to deal with it hour on end. You ALSO need a break from it.

I hope when you finally got to sleep, that you had a good and restful sleep and that you feel more at peace with it all.


Melissa said...

I truly don't know where you find the strength to stand up under all of the things you are dealing with. You are one strong lady.

I will be praying God sends you the right answer for Phillip and that your surgery isn't nearly as painful as you expect.


Charmaine said...

Amy, I don't think there is a mother out there that would not want to ask God "why"...Phillip has been through so much and it takes such strength and grace to go through it like you do. Making decissions as to whether put in a "deep brain stimulator" is no easy decission...there are so many positive and negative possibilities that you have to weigh out and it should not be taken lightly, I completely understand your feelings. As was said, rest in God's arms, invision yourself laying in his lap and resting your head on his shoulder, feel his loving arms around you, ask him for strength, guidance and knowledge, he will give it to you and so much more. I continue to pray for a miracle...I believe that one can happen and I will pray for one for you and Phillip.

Shannon said...

Reading your blog really helps me get my mind off myself. I hurt for you because I know that a few months from now all the bad pain and emotions I am dealing with will be a thing of the past, but you will still be facing giants. My heart is thinking of you often and I pray for you and your family.

misty said...

Hugs to you,girl. I pray for you and your family every day. This has to be overwhelming and so painful.Keep your faith,God will see you through. I pray he will give you guidance and let you see clearly the path you need to follow.God Bless!