The last few days something has been really nagging at me...and to be honest I have not been able to figure out what it was...so like all us women and or moms..I just shoved it down deep and tried to move on. Do ya think it worked? Nope not too well. Yesterday I took Emily to the peds for a ongoing cold . Simple right? While I was sitting there I got that nagging feeling again. We went in and talked to the NP and she was sweet and wonderful with Emily.....and o our way we went. Standing in the elevator I just felt sick. I started thinking about Philip. I started thinking about how scared I was when he was little and I had no idea what was wrong and now how scared I am to know and not be able to fix it. I swear I almost had a panic attack. Why did that happen then and why now? I am not sure. In fact I have no idea. So I shove it down deep and onward me go...
So last night I am watching this show and a baby is sick. I looked at the moms eyes and just felt sick . I had that same look and you know what...I think I have kept that deer in the headlights look for years now.
Back when Philip was little and had his first operations there was not really anyway to get my feelings out about it and him and life , I wonder if that is when the shoving down deep started. You have no idea how filled up I fill with the shoving down deep. Does that even make sense?
I have no idea what got this all started with me...but as much as I want it to go away...I am not sure I have anymore room to shove down deep...
I am so blessed that we have Philip...God could not of picked a more perfect first son for me. Yet I have so many other feelings...worries...fear...sadness..and a little anger mixed with disappointment. Not in God or Philip...just in the way things have turned out. And yet the flip side is...I feel I need to say Thank You God for how things turned out and we have Philip with us. What a mixture of feelings , Huh?
And I just have to say that right now I have a lot on my plate and this emotional stuff is not helping...lol..Sorry sounds blunt but you know me..blunt.
So what am I to do?