Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Just Some Thoughts...

The last few days something has been really nagging at me...and to be honest I have not been able to figure out what it was...so like all us women and or moms..I just shoved it down deep and tried to move on. Do ya think it worked? Nope not too well. Yesterday I took Emily to the peds for a ongoing cold . Simple right? While I was sitting there I got that nagging feeling again. We went in and talked to the NP and she was sweet and wonderful with Emily.....and o our way we went. Standing in the elevator I just felt sick. I started thinking about Philip. I started thinking about how scared I was when he was little and I had no idea what was wrong and now how scared I am to know and not be able to fix it. I swear I almost had a panic attack. Why did that happen then and why now? I am not sure. In fact I have no idea. So I shove it down deep and onward me go...

So last night I am watching this show and a baby is sick. I looked at the moms eyes and just felt sick . I had that same look and you know what...I think I have kept that deer in the headlights look for years now.

Back when Philip was little and had his first operations there was not really anyway to get my feelings out about it and him and life , I wonder if that is when the shoving down deep started. You have no idea how filled up I fill with the shoving down deep. Does that even make sense?

I have no idea what got this all started with me...but as much as I want it to go away...I am not sure I have anymore room to shove down deep...

I am so blessed that we have Philip...God could not of picked a more perfect first son for me. Yet I have so many other feelings...worries...fear...sadness..and a little anger mixed with disappointment. Not in God or Philip...just in the way things have turned out. And yet the flip side is...I feel I need to say Thank You God for how things turned out and we have Philip with us. What a mixture of feelings , Huh?

And I just have to say that right now I have a lot on my plate and this emotional stuff is not helping...lol..Sorry sounds blunt but you know me..blunt.

So what am I to do?

10 comments:

mamasmitten said...

Sorry to hear that you have such feelings. But in attempt to ease your pain I would like you to know that when I read your blog I am relieved at how real honesty leaves an impact on others.Even people we don't know. Thank you for being so real, Ive been inflenced by your story.

Grace said...

So what are you to do? - Exactly what you are doing... realizing that you are shoving it down and doing something to let it out. It's great therapy - for you and for your readers.

misty said...

Amy, with all you have going on, your mixed feelings are normal.I cannot imagine your stress level and you cope with all these issues remarkably well. I know you probally don't see it that way, but we do. The great thing is, you are being honest and sharing your feelings, good and bad. You have touched peoples hearts and lives. The way you deal with it all, is inspirational. You know there will good days and bad days, but God will be there to walk through with you.And we will be here front row, cheering section!Hang in there,girl...Luv ya!

April said...

You need or want to be blunt? I say bring it on anytime!!! :)

Amy, in all of this, just keep in mind that you are human. You have ups and downs, highs and lows, just like the rest of us...and it's OK. I'm a believer that God will never give us more than we can handle. You are strong...I feel it everytime I read your posts!

I'm sending hugs your way and I hope and pray that your burdens and your worries get easier with each passing day.

He And Me + 3 said...

I can't even begin to imagine what you are feeling or going through...feelings are hard all the way around. Because most of the time when something happens we already know how we should feel, whether we feel that way or not...it is ok to feel every emotion we all deal with things differently. You are a strong person, & it is ok to let that go sometimes & just feel.
Praying for you & Philip.

Rebecca Jo said...

Sounds like you are such an in-tune mom... I think when you feel like that, you just ask God why you are having these feelings? Is He trying to tell you something - something to cause you to grow & learn? Its OK to feel however you feel - even if its a tad moment of anxiety.. but remember who's in control & find peace!!!

Tink said...

Philip sounds like a wonderful boy! It's always wonderful to hear people's honesty and how they are feeling. We're human! There are time we love what we do and other times we don't. There are times we appreciate what we have and times where the grass looks greener on the other side. Thanks for being real! And YOU!

AmberP said...

Such a gross but real feeling.
I think the best way to deal with it is face it head on {but all I have to say is.... i NEVER do that...result: panic attack central - even had one last night at work!}
You're taking things one day at a time and that is key!! As always, you are in my prayers and I think about you often, especially when I am having a tough day! You bring me right back up!

annie kelleher said...

you remind me of when my little brother was born with downs syndrome. he's been a great kid and a wonderful brother and i woulnd't trade him for anything. but life is different than it woudl've been if he'd been normal and admitting that doesn't make me a bad sister, i don't think. it is a loss and i think it's prefectly okay to mourn and acknowledge when things dont turn out the way we hope.

Queenie Jeannie said...

Hugs honey!!

What do you do? Reach out for professional help! Someone who is trained to listen and to help you work through your emotional issues. There is no guilt or shame in needing help, or for getting it.

Blogging can be helpful and fun, etc. But it can't replace professional help. PLEASE look into it! Suffering isn't the way to go. It doesn't help you or anyone else. You can get through this!!

Please keep us informed!