I realized today that out of everything I have dealt with in my whole history of Philip I have NEVER been as sad, frustrated and just all around overwhelmed. When that thought came to my head I thought to myself...how in the world can you say that after 18 brain operations, strokes, ICU infections ..on and on? Because this is just something I can not accept. Let me try to explain.
Up until a few weeks ago I would of told you just how sad we were about Philip's stroke and what it has cost him in the long run. I would of told you about how hard all his operations have been. I may of told you about how many holidays he spent in the hospital or laying on the couch with double leg cast or rods in his arm ..I might of even told you that he came so very close to dying last year and my heart and nerves may never be the same again.
But today it hit me...I would go back to all of that in a heartbeat if we could. How fast the things we dreaded and felt overwhelmed about seem comfortable in the light of new issues. How can I explain the fear I feel that Philip is going to lose the use of his left arm and or side. How can I watch him hurting everyday. I mean the headaches and seizures are bad enough. The pain in his right arm from nerve damage has been awful. But how in the world are we to as his parents to watch this and not be able to fix this. The odd thing is...I grew in some odd way to know that I just could not fix the other issues. Maybe it was that the damage was already done by the time we knew and acted...and now I am watching in slow motion and I am scared and sad.
I am never like this. Okay well sometimes. But today is different. In a way it is scary. I think I may of hit some bottom. A bottom where I KNOW I can not fix this. A bottom where God is forcing me to not only say the right words but FEEL the words. I am going to have to give this to him cause by gosh I can not do anything.
I was not ready to go to the appt tomorrow. I had planned to cancel it for a few weeks. So now I am forced to DEAL and THINK and WORRY and FREAK a little ....and I really wanted to cancel this appt. Maybe it is kind of like pulling off a band aide....it has to come off..so do it slow and have it hurt...long or just do it. So God is saying RIP it off and Amy tomorrow JUST GO and DEAL with it. I know he will be there with me holding my hand..I hope I can feel it.
I am not mad at God I am just very disappointed that this is the path he has chosen for Philip. And to be honest I am hurt . But I am told he is a big GOD and he will understand how I feel.
In a odd way today I feel further away from God and yet close to God then I ever have.