Wednesday, January 28, 2009

I am just not okay today...

I realized today that out of everything I have dealt with in my whole history of Philip I have NEVER been as sad, frustrated and just all around overwhelmed. When that thought came to my head I thought to myself...how in the world can you say that after 18 brain operations, strokes, ICU infections ..on and on? Because this is just something I can not accept. Let me try to explain.
Up until a few weeks ago I would of told you just how sad we were about Philip's stroke and what it has cost him in the long run. I would of told you about how hard all his operations have been. I may of told you about how many holidays he spent in the hospital or laying on the couch with double leg cast or rods in his arm ..I might of even told you that he came so very close to dying last year and my heart and nerves may never be the same again.
But today it hit me...I would go back to all of that in a heartbeat if we could. How fast the things we dreaded and felt overwhelmed about seem comfortable in the light of new issues. How can I explain the fear I feel that Philip is going to lose the use of his left arm and or side. How can I watch him hurting everyday. I mean the headaches and seizures are bad enough. The pain in his right arm from nerve damage has been awful. But how in the world are we to as his parents to watch this and not be able to fix this. The odd thing is...I grew in some odd way to know that I just could not fix the other issues. Maybe it was that the damage was already done by the time we knew and acted...and now I am watching in slow motion and I am scared and sad.
I am never like this. Okay well sometimes. But today is different. In a way it is scary. I think I may of hit some bottom. A bottom where I KNOW I can not fix this. A bottom where God is forcing me to not only say the right words but FEEL the words. I am going to have to give this to him cause by gosh I can not do anything.
I was not ready to go to the appt tomorrow. I had planned to cancel it for a few weeks. So now I am forced to DEAL and THINK and WORRY and FREAK a little ....and I really wanted to cancel this appt. Maybe it is kind of like pulling off a band aide....it has to come off..so do it slow and have it hurt...long or just do it. So God is saying RIP it off and Amy tomorrow JUST GO and DEAL with it. I know he will be there with me holding my hand..I hope I can feel it.
I am not mad at God I am just very disappointed that this is the path he has chosen for Philip. And to be honest I am hurt . But I am told he is a big GOD and he will understand how I feel.
In a odd way today I feel further away from God and yet close to God then I ever have.

19 comments:

April said...

Amy~
I really wish I could give you a hug, though we've never met! I can feel your distress and worry. I don't have any magnificient words of wisdom, but sometimes, in order to grow from experiences...we have to GO THROUGH THEM! Unfortunately, there is often no other way.

I will pray that you will be comforted tomorrow as you face dead ahead into the unknown. God be with you and Phillip! Please know that I'm thinking of you!!!

Grace said...

I know my words are minor and meaningless for all that you are handling my dear friend. I have many thougths that run through my head where Philip, you and rest of the family are concerned. I am sure that the way I say this won't come out right, so I won't even try... so I'll just say it... Every one of your feelings are real and justified and Yes, God understands your feelings. The path that Philip is on is a hard one... and oh yes, scary. God, I believe, did not purposedly chose this path for Philip for the pain and the issues... but perhaps for all the witnessing you and your family does for others that are also going through difficult situations. I believe and have read others here say that they are in awe of how strong you are... regardless of what comes your way. THAT my sweet friend is witnessing... you have touched so many people's lives in such a positive way... you have no idea. Many, many hugs and prayers for you today and every day.

Tink said...

I TOTALLY understand, but in a different way. I have a child with a mental illness and although in all ways he LOOKS normal, he is not. He also has some disabilities along with his illness. At times I want to curse the heavens and at other times I am very accepting. When I turn things over to the God and realize that I am not my son's savior, but only Christ himself was designated for that job, and I turn things over to Him, then I find myself at peace. But it is a cycle. Thanks for sharing and God bless.

ixtapacheryl said...

I agree with what Tink said .... it's a process. One day we feel we can conquer anything that comes across our path and other days we are so overwhelmed we can't take one more thing on our plate.

Amy you are such an inspiration to me and I look forward to learning more from you. When I feel so defeated with my husband's illness - I find myself re-reading your entries.

I will pray extra hard tonight for you and Philip. Trust in God and he will deliver a miracle for you and Philip. God knows you both deserve one.

Aspiemom said...

It is so hard when you see your child suffering and you can't do anything to help them. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I'm glad that you know the Lord. You wouldn't want to be facing all of this without Him!

We're praying for you.

annie kelleher said...

i think this must be hte worst path of all for any parent to walk and i think you are doing so with grace and dignity. it does suck rocks for both you and phillip and your whole family. i think if you wanted to be mad at god it would be okay. i dont think god minds when we get mad....

Melissa said...

Oh boy, can I relate. The more I rely on God the further away I feel from him. It's odd.

Ironically, I watched my mom struggle with the fact that I'm also losing the use of my arm. It's really impossible to be the one it's happening to but I can only imagine how much more difficult it must be to see someone you love suffer and not be able to do anything about it.

You and your family continue to be in my prayers and I hope you will feel God holding your hand tomorrow...

Andrea said...

Amy,
Hey there, hang in there girl. Rock bottom is horrible and so completely overwhelming. I love my two boys so much and then I remind myself that God has loaned them out to me to be there mom here on earth. God trusts you Amy and he feels your surrender to him. We all want what is best for our children and it is so hard to let go of that control to protect and help them, to save them. You are amazing and will continue to be strong, even when you feel on empty. You will make it past this dreadful appt for Philip and God will help you hear what the doctors say. You will rise up again and recover from this painful surgery. Your children love you and need you and God knows that you (his child ) needs him. Hang in there and fight!

Lisa said...

Consider yourself hugged Amy and I am saying many prayers for you. It is so frustrating and so cliche' to say this too shall pass. It is upsetting to me when bad things happen to such good people. I know God will be with you, He will never leave you nor forsake you. when we have faith in the Lord He is pleased, you hold onto your faith because no weapon formed against you will prosper.
when my mom was real ill I asked God to speak to me, to let me know He was there. He told me, "Lisa I have sustained your mother, if you keep believing I will keep working." I knew that was the Lord talking because "sustained" is not a word I normally use and when I looked up the meaning I realized God was speaking to me. Ask Him to speak to you. love and prayers, Lisa

Aimee said...

Press in...Press in to the peace God can bring you. Lay it ALL at His feet. Leave it and walk away. Press in...

misty said...

Hugs to you,girl.With all you have dealt with and continue to go through, you have shown what an awesome, strong lady you are.Do you know what a great teacher you are?I pray that God could just give you,Philip and your family a break.If anyone deserves one, it is you.You have every right to feel the way you do.And know that God understands your feelings.He will see you through.Sending extra prayers today as you face this next challenge.God bless!

misty said...

Hugs to you, girl. With all you've gone through and continue to deal with,you are one strong lady. You have every righ to feel the way you do. And know that God understands,he will see you through.I pray that he could just give you, Philip and your family a break. If anyone deserves one, you all do. Extra prayers today as you face this next challenge.God Bless

Anonymous said...

you have every right to feel the way you feel..i pray for both you and philip.
cb/marianne

Mishel said...

(((Hugs))) are being sent your way. Our Father is a loving & compassionate Father. Like you said, God is big enough to handle it all! I KNOW that He's very much aware of all that your family is facing. I also know that He loves you & will fill you to overflowing with all the peace & wisdom that you need. I am thankful that I can pray for you.

*Keli* said...

Amy~You can do this! Just keep your eyes on God. Keep believing! I believe trials and tribulations are set before us to remind us that we NEED HIM, to lean on only HIM. God does not want us to be in pain but He wants us to give it all to Him. You can't do it alone..He will pull you through! Stay strong!! And I will keep praying for you, Philip and your family! xoxo Kel

Kalei said...

You deserve a peaceful break from all of you worry and anxiety. I wish I could offer you a little coffee break. I don't know what is in store for any of us. I can tell you that I know you have lots of love, support and prayers being sent in your direction and that Phillip is lucky to have such a wonderful mother. I don't know how you do it.

bluesuede said...

Amy, I'm trying to catch up. Our town looks like a war zone. We have been without power since Tuesday, I think. I have been praying for you and Philip.

Tiffany said...

Hugs, Hugs and more hugs. I can't imagine waht you are going through, but please know you are never far from my thoughts.

Denise said...

Amy, I see that you haven't updated since this post so I'm just checking in on you. You are in my thoughts and in my prayers.

xoxoxoxo
Denise