Thursday, January 8, 2009


Finding a balance. That is on my mind alot lately.

This afternoon I have been in just a way. I have been looking forward to this day being over and going to bed...but now it is 12:30am and I can not sleep. So as many of you know when I have some "issues" and it is 12:30 am I blog.

There have been a lot of things going on this week. I have had tons of appts. Tons of testing. Tons of waiting. Tons of stress.

Tomorrow marks 4 weeks post my operation . Three weeks being re stitched and drain issues. My recovery is slow but going in the right direction. I am having a issue finding a way to ease back into my life. I feel that in some ways I am expected to just jump back to normal. And I just can not. I have never had something knock me down like this operation has. In fact some days I feel like I am taking one step forward and two back.

Having the kids home for break was much easier because there was no getting up early to get them off to school or trying to figure out schedules around appts . Part of my frustration seems to be...trying to heal..trying to be a mom...trying to be a wife...and trying to figure out the best way for me to beat this illness. Sometimes I get the feeling everyone around me wants to me move on and just deal with it. I am pretty sure that is not the case but it seems that way. Sometimes I can move on...but sometimes I seem stuck..It is a long road and I will just need to find a way to make it work . I do not want to dwell on things but I also am not feeling like I can jump back into taking care of everything here in the house , the kids , and myself. But isn't that what a mom and a wife do?

Okay how is this..Being seems that my family and some friends are over me being sick and we are just getting started. There I said it. Bless their hearts. See you say Bless their hearts to ease the rude comment I made about them.

I guess I am feeling sorry for myself and it is not a pretty thing. I just am feeling low tonight. There are just some "issues" at home that remind me that in many ways..I am the one who will need to take this on ...and beat it..

Tomorrow is a important day for Philip with a DR appt. In fact we have been waiting for this appt for a few weeks. Please keep him in your prayers. He is miserable and needs to find some answers to help him. WE have had to make some pretty hard decisions that had to be made this week regarding Philip. I wish I knew how to help things with Philip. I feel like a failure most days with his issues. Sure wish there was a clear path and if not then maybe some cliff notes.

Sorry to be a downer. I just feel a tad out of sorts and overwhelmed.
Tomorrow will be better..Until then I am going to go take a so needed pain pill and get to bed.


lori said...

{{{hugs}}} every right to vent and feel helps to get it out. but i know how strong you are and you won't be down for long!

Andrea said...

Hey Girl, so you had a tough day. Sometimes it is okay to just say to your loved ones, church and friends " Hey there, even though I have gotten through this surgery thing, my battle has just begun, I don't feel too great and I need some help here with a few things." Write down anything you feel might be overwhelming to you like Laundry, dinner or driving the kids to school. You are so loved by us bloggers and I bet you are so loved by all of your family, friends and support friends and of course your church. They are waiting and wanting to reach out and assist you so you don't feel abandoned at this time. You may feel that they are thinking "amy, lets get on with it. I betcha , no way they are just busy and also might not know how to approach you when it comes to asking you if you need help. You just need to say those three words " I need help" You will have the rest of your beautiful long life to pay it forward. I know that seems important to you right now. I have a sixth grade student this year who's mom has cancer. She was feeling so depressed and helpless. We sat down and wrote a list of ways she could help out. Wow, what a difference I've seen in her. Her helping her mom with the laundry and dinner has made her feel useful and loved. Her grades has gone up. Hubby could help your daughter with the laundry and they could consider it a bonding time. Lol! Your church could set up food delivery to your house. Seeing your kitchen isn't cooperating at the moment and your are still not feeling so great. My good teacher friend was battling cancer and I helped out by bringing dinner to her family and driving he to appts. I had a newborn at the time. She was glad I was there and years later she paid it forward when I had a C-section and was limited on mobility. You don't always have to be so strong and do it all. You are a child of God and he is carrying you right now in his arms. Let your friends also carry some of the weight! If you pray I bet you can feel those strong arms sending peace your way. Wake up each day and take it one step at a time. I wish I lived by you so I could drive over and give you a hug and help you out with any to-do list you had. I'm praying for you.
Andrea from Southern Ca.

April said...


Please don't ever feel like you need to apologize for being REAL! You just write/say whatever's on your mind and get things off your chest! Nothing makes a person feel better once in a while than blowing off a little steam. We're all human!

I know you've had a very tough and exhausting week. I don't even pretend to understand. Just know that I'm keeping you very close in my prayers all the time. GOD HEARS and HE CARES!!!

I will definitely be saying a prayer for Phillip. I hope (and pray) he's able to find some relief very soon.

Today is a new day! May your health and perspective be renewed! God Bless You on your continuing journey.

annie kelleher said...

you're not being a downer. it always takes a lot longer to get over anything major like that than they tell you. it always hurts more, too. at least, that's how it's always been for me. maybe im just a big baby, but i find healing can take waaaay longer than i usually want it to. i hope i dont sound like im lecturing when i say how much i want you to just be easy on your SELF - you cant take care of anyone until you take care of you - so dont think you're being selfish or undeserving or lazy or slow. you're doing an amazing job from what i can tell coping with some really sucky cards. i wish i could give you a hug and maybe a nice foot rub, but since i can't... i'll send you happy thoughts and healing wishes...

Aspiemom said...

I can relate to your downer, my friend. I had the same type day yesterday. An altercation with my son caused me to snap, when I normally wouldn't have, and I cried and yelled and felt like I was totally losing it, so I just took my trusty oxygen and a book and crawled into bed. Couldn't sleep because my nerves and emotions were in chaos, but read and coughed up deep stuff from down in my toes somewhere. A few hours later I came back along the living. I think the Prednisone can make me a little manic or something, sometimes.

I know we have our excuses, some good and some bad. But our bodies go through so much in trying to heal, let alone the fatigue and pain and emotional espect. Once in a while we'll have these downner times and then we'll bounce back.

People around me are so used to my physical state that they don't see me as sick, which can be a problem and I'm reminding them more often how it affects a person to only be able to breath at 1/3 what others does and enlist their help and compassion a LITTLE more.

I'm so sorry you've been having a rough time. We're praying for you and hoping that God blesses you with some really blessing-filled days ahead.

Grace said...

You vent girl... I do so believe that it helps... sometimes family and friends seem like they may be over it... but I'm sure they are not. I know I don't need to say... but I am in constant prayer for Philip, You, Jim and rest of the family. I am here for the long haul... in sickness and in health... HUGS for you my dear sweet friend.

Charmaine said...

I wish I could reach through the computer screen and give you a good old fashioned hug! I think this has to be as hard for your family as it is on you. Your family is used to you being super mom, because you were, always taking care of you can not, it is not possible and you should not even try, because right now the most important thing is taking care of yourself. Your family is also probably pretty scared, because you are their mom, their rock, their everything and you are sick, really sick and they can not do anything about it. What you need to do is to decide what you want them to do, how you want them to help you, and then you need to sit down with your family and have a talk. Let them know how you feel, they are not mind readers and since you have always been the family care taker, they don't have much experience in that area. So let them know, be honest, and I think they will surprise you. Let them voice their fears, their thoughts and you will come up with something that will work for all of you.

As far as family and friends being tired of you being sick...I don't think it is tired, I think it is at a loss for words as to what to say. When you feel hopeless as to helping someone that is sick, after a while you feel your words are just that, simply words. I know I pray for you daily, I know your fight is going to be hard, and I don't know what else to say. I wish I had magic words, but I don't and I feel so bad for you. We all are still here for you but sometimes you will have to be patient with us too. ;)

Plus I think it is pretty normal to have the feelings you are having after 4 weeks of healing and all you have had on your plate before and after your surgery, you have to be emotionally drained.

ixtapacheryl said...

Oh Amy I can feel your frustrations. I can only speak from a caregiver and I get so frustrated and mad at Jeff for still "sitting in his hole he was put in". His tumor is gone - but still undergoing chemo (only two left). I understand him feeling tired but I get so mad that he's unmotivated.

I'm guilty of wanting him to get over this and move on. It's been a long road as it started last March. I'm tired and at times I feel very guilty of feeling this way. I've talked to a Priest about this and he said they are "human emotions and unless I feel like doing him bodily damage" it is no sin to feel these emotions.

Your family wants the "old" Amy back and that's just going to happen. My suggestion to you would be to sit down and have a "family meeting" about how you feel. I know I loved it when Jeff would open up and tell me what he was thinking/feeling and believe me he didn't do it enough.

Your family loves you - but they are also going through a grieving process just as you are. Keep the faith - and communicate - communicate - communicate.

Lisa said...

Amy - I actually kinda know how you feel. I think EVERYONE is totally over the fact that I can't lift anything over 20 lbs until the 19th. I am over it too, but my poor hubby, well I sometimes think he gets frustrated and well I can understand. He has just been doing so much and I feel guilty. I know that I shouldn't, but I do because I know if the shoe were on the opposite foot I would probably be getting tired too. I hate to even say that, but it would probably be true. I would just be tired of having to do alot of the stuff.

Hopefully you are wrong with your assumptions. I am always thinking about you and wondering how you are doing. Hang in there my friend!!

XOXOX ~ Lisa

bluesuede said...

I've been saving this for you. Something the preacher said last Sunday that really got my attention and I immediately thought about you. God will not lead you to it without getting you through it. I may not have it exactly like he said it, but you get the meaning.

You are dealing with so many issues on so many levels. I have been through house renovations without any sickness and it was grueling. I know exactly how you are feeling about that. When everything is out of place and cluttered in my house, it seems like my mind is in the same shape. I have trouble getting my thoughts in order and that's without the medication you are having to take.

You juggling appointments and schedules was like me trying to work and have sick parents -- running errands, going to countless appointments, getting medicine (and that's not easy because a lot of times they don't have what you need and that adds another level of stress), preparing meals, and on and on. I nearly lost my mind and I was well -- or at least I think I was.

Then, you have your marriage. It takes work without all the other issues. I realize that mine suffered while I was taking care of my parents, but what can you do? Also, my DH had several operations and other health issues during that time. You have to deal with the sickness first and foremost. As for you and Jim, I have read enough about your marriage to know that you will get through this. It will take work and time, but it will get better and your marriage will be stronger.

I wish I had some magic works that would make this all go away for you. Just know that you are always on my mind. I keep the sachet you gave me close to my home computer and when I get a whif of it, it's like you in a gentle breeze reminding me that you are there and that you need me.

Whatever I can do for you, you know all the ways to get me -- USE them. And, remember, things always seem better in the light of day.

Stacy said...

You can vent all you want too! We are always hear listening. I pray they can find a way to ease Philips pain. You are going through a lot of stuff and it's ok to be down sometimes!

Kimorexia said...

Still praying for you & Philip, Amy. (((hug)))

Anonymous said...

Don't apoligize for being down. I'd say you are 100% entitled. I remember when I found out about Reese's heart defect (and other things), I cried til I couldn't cry no more. THEN, I was ready to grab the bull by the horns. (can't tell I'm a farmers wife, can ya?) Just let it all out. Scream, cry, stomp your feet, whatever it is you need to do. And now I'm going to tell you to have a good day. I'll check your spirits later. ;0) Mis

Debbie said...

Amy - my prayers are with you. You can't possibly be expected to bounce back in 4 weeks after serious surgery and you just need to STOP when you need to stop.

Healing includes rest, requires rest - so please rest when you can. Some people may not understand, but I think other people close to you will.

Glad you blogged - it's good for you.

JANE said...

Oh girl, I'm sorry. Wish there was more I could say or wise words of wisdom. Praying for you and so hope things go well with Philip today!

Anonymous said...

I think venting helps, so vent away! I am sorry that you are feeling like this but things will get better. I will be lifting you and Phillip up in my prayers.

Melissa said...

From someone who can understand how you are feeling (((hugs)))

I wish I had good advice but I don't. Please remember to treat yourself kindly and that thankfully you have a place to put down those feelings and emotions here!

misty said...

You are going through so much right now, and it's good to get your feeling out. I know you don't see it this way, but you are dealing with this amazingly well...I can't imagine. You will find your balance but it is going to take time. You have had such a curveball thrown at you with your new issues.You already had so much on your plate. But, I know this about you, you see your blessings through the obstacles. Try to be patient with yourself and your family.You have always been their supermom, and still are.Don't be afraid to ask for help, either.I don't think they are over it, but probally struggling to deal with it in their own way. Keep your faith. I know you are a strong lady. With God, your courageous spirit and all who love you, you will get through this! Believe it! Prayers for you, Philip and your family,esp.for Philip with Dr. appt today. Hoping for pain relief and some answers to help him. God bless!

Tink said...

It's okay to feel down; especially with what you're going through. The only way I can relate to what you're saying is when I was sick every single day of my pregnancy with my son. At first people were sympathetic and then later not. They just wanted me to get over it and be myself--What they want is their old person back and don't know how to act/react to the change of events. Eventually they'll come around. My concern is that you get the support you need in the meantime! You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Christina said...

Sending lots of (((hugs))) and prayers. :-)
I think it's healthy that you can vent and be real on your blog. And you have a slew of followers here to support you.

AmandaHoyt said...

I am praying for you, your family and Philip.

Vickie said...

I've been reading your blog and Phillips caringbridge page for a long time and never made a comment but I pray for you and your family daily. I just want you to know that venting is an amazing way to get through situations and you keep it up. We may be long distance but we are sisters in Christ and prayers go along way.
I will continue to be praying for your and Phillip's healing and prayer warriors we need to pray for God to send Amy help physically and spirtually and just lift her up.
Love in Christ,
Vickie from Knoxville, Tennessee

Lisa said...

I am so sorry you are down but Amy that is okay, you are allowed to feel that way. No one can imagine how you are feeling and you are probably stronger than you think so everyone forgets what you have been through. It is like a tall child acting their age when everyone thinks they are much older. We as moms have it in us to do it all even when we can't, I am guilty of that and then I start feeling sorry for myself but it is a very real situation and we need to let ourselves feel it. I am glad you can blog and you can email me anytime. My sister and I have had a tough time with my parents both being ill and I have 4 children in addition to sharing a lot of responsibility with her and trying to maintain my own home. You have been through a life changing event and I am so proud of you for setting goals on getting through this trial and yet still taking care of your family. Hang there friend I will pray for you tonight, you will be able to turn your scars into stars and God will use this trial to minister to other people through you. Your strength is an encouragement to me. I am also praying for Philip.
Much love and prayers to you, You can make it, you are a VICTOR not a victim and you are a child of the Most High God and He will see you through.

Feisty Frugal and Fabulous said...

Hi! Just wanted to say hello since I've been checking out your blog lately, thanks for posting on mine! Your email address isn't in your profiel so I wasn't sure how to contact you. Mine is in my profile so you can email me there!

Chef E said...

We all vent, that is what I like about this blog thing...BTW I really wanted to know if anyone would admit to making this...and would never post it on is naught and I bet I won't get that many comments on it too :)

Gran to Angels said...

Hi Amy!
Maybe your family is not wishing you were over this...maybe it was like my family...My Jim was so worried watching me heal and waiting....when he saw me make something to eat..he said in his mind that meant that I was ok! If I was doing "regular" things then he could stop panicking. Crazy things go through the minds of those that love us!
You and Philip are in my prayers without ceasing.....
Love ya Amy!