My Mind and Heart

Well I have to say I wish my mind would take a break. It seems to go non stop. I have been thinking of everything non stop. So I thought instead of thinking I would try to figure things out here.
I have no idea how all this has happened. I mean it is not a why me thing. I really am not thinking anything like that...I guess deep down I think..why not me. Things happen to so many people. And in truth I have been so blessed with the issues Philip has. Let me explain...Yes Philip is not well. And things sure have been hard for him. And as his mom , my heart is broken some days with fear and worry. But in the end..it is such a miracle he is here with us. I told God...well I begged God..that if he would let Philip live..I would take whatever he gave me and take care of Philip. It was a deal I made with God. I have to laugh when I say that cause I have a feeling God does not make deals. So I have taken what we have and felt blessed. So how could I say why me now? Remind me of that in the days to come.
But I do need to say that I am worn down. I am so over worrying about things. I feel like I have done nothing but worry for years and years. Almost like holding my breathe and waiting for the next thing. That is a lot of how I am feeling. I guess I just wish I knew what was going to happen. Or maybe it is best for me to not know.
I do know I am not doing "this" the way I want to. I have this idea of how I should be feeling and acting and looking...during this time. And somehow I am not living up to that .
I had this idea of walking around with this smile on my face and being so strong ....and getting my house and wash done. Getting Christmas done. Having my tree done. Oh and let's add having great hair days. Okay not the hair day. But in reality none of this is happening.
I am sick and in pain. I am tired and worn out. I am behind with everything. I just feel a little defeated. I guess I had this idea that I could make everything great this weekend before my surgery. And I have started feeling so bad and in pain....it is not going to happen.
I hate feeling like I am messing up Christmas. I love the holidays. I love doing the special things with the children. One thing we do is..every single night I would take the kids...and we would go to a different neighborhood and see lights. I really wanted to try to do that each night before my surgery. But my head hurts so bad. and my eye is blury ..so that is not going to happen. And I know it is not the end of the world. But I hate not doing it for the kids. I hate that I felt so bad that we picked out the first tree we saw so I could come home and lay down. Maybe hate is not the right word. I am disappointed for the kids. There that is better. I am disappointed that I feel so yuck and can not make these things happen. I do not want to let the kids down.
My neck and head are hurting really bad. The mass I have under my chin is really big now. The other day I noticed a second one...Now it is even bigger and pressing on a nerve. I feel like my face and head are going to explode. I have this cough because the mass is pushing on my throat. The pain meds make me sick. And I look as bad as I feel. My neck is so swollen that my face is hurting to touch. I guess the idea of make up and doing my hair is just not happening. I know that is not important rigtht now..but somehow I think it could make me feel better. Does that make sense?
With me feeling so bad..The house , the laundry, Christmas etc is NOT getting Done. I know other can do it ..I wanna do the stuff with the kids before my surgery.
You know..I think I just figured out...I just hate not being in control...Things are out of control.

I know I sound like I am complaining. I do not think I am explaining things the right way.