I have been thinking a lot while I have been healing from my surgery. I have to laugh or maybe I should cry, not sure. I have had thoughts of this and that...what I should , could , would or will do when I am up and about. Some of them consist of running a 5k...( ha) or painting my whole house..or name it I have thought about it.
But today I did some serious thinking about something that has been nagging at me for a LONG time. I decided that IF I post about it maybe I will have some accountability with it. And maybe I will be more inclined to follow thorugh..Maybe...I hope.
A little background. I grew up with a very strict dad. The words control and stern do not do him just. I vowed to never be anything like him. And to most degrees I have followed through on that. But one thing I did not realize until lately is...some wounds take time to notice and even longer to heal.
My father was very stern about food. Did we starve? NO... But did we have enough? NO. In fact he made sure he had what he needed and wanted over us his children. Over time this left me feeling as if I needed to make sure I had enough always. Now let me say that I do not have closets filled with food or a basement filled ..just in case. But I do have a deep freezer filled and my cabinets are filled. While this may sound great it is a constant reminder to me of something. What? I am not sure. But something. Maybe that I am lacking something..or better said..That I fear I may lack something.
As I mentioned before I have lost 95 pounds in the last year. I have worked really hard at not over eating but still need to work with over buying.
I find myself not using what we have and buying more because I want to make sure the freezer stays full at all times and what if we run out etc. And most times this would be okay thing. But besides the emotional reminders. There is always the risk of the food going to waste...such as if it goes bad..and even wore when we lost two freezers filled during the hurricanes.
The filled freezer seems to bring me more guilt then comfort.
So ..instead of a cute little post or a woo hoo all is great update. I am stepping out of my comfort zone and putting this out here,
I am going to make a big effort to start eating out of my freezer and pantry till the new year. I am going to only buy the side items needed to make meals complete. I am going to make a effort to not feel the need to have the freezer filled. I am going to have faith that I am not going to starve...I would put a LOL or HAHA after that but deep down maybe I am afraid of that.
Does any of this make sense?