Tuesday, November 25, 2008

My Heart Needs A Makeover

I am not sure how else to put it. My heart does not seem to be in a good place today. And I so do not want to feel this way today. So I come here today and ask my special group of ladies to pray that I can find some peaceful feelings in my heart today. My energy needs to be about Philip and his appts today . I hate feeling weak. My heart needs to feel strong....even when I am feeling weak. Isn't that the least I can do for Philip?
I feel aggravated with everyone and everyone seems aggravated with me. I would dare say I am not fun to be around right now. Maybe I have been trying to fake it till I make it and I am not making it..and now I am in a bad way.
I am going to step out here and say that my DH really started this off with me today. He said a innocent comment ...something like...well Philip has so many appts everyday. Dh did not know that TODAY was the long awaited pain management DR appt. In my head I know it is not the end of the world and that he knew there were appts everyday . And it was 6 am and it just was not that big of a deal that he did not know what day was which appt. BUT..lol...to me..I have been thinking of nothing else. Worried...praying...stressing...and filling out 20 plus pages of paperwork. So in my mind..how did he not know..
So from that..came a flood of things..that I think have been bottled up. I so try hard to show the positive side of everything..my thoughts and feelings are not always positive. I am overwhelmed and discouraged this morning.
For example..yesterday. We had the nerve test. What could of been a simple test. I have been waiting for Philip to get this test for a week. So yesterday was the big day. We go and it was hard. They had to use his right arm for the base test. Now remember he had a stroke on that side and has tons of scars from operations. They had to do the needles through the scars and that has caused a flare up with the nerves in that arm. I asked the tech if the Dr would be able to use the right arm as a base for the left arm test. He says I doubt it. So you mean we did the right arm, why? BY the time we were done..I felt sick and Philip was in severe pain. The tech looks at Philip and says..wow you are such a stoic young man. I wish all my patients were as strong as you. I felt a lump in my throat. Philip just learned at a very young age...you gotta just do it . In a way it is sad to see him be so resigned that this is the way it is for him.
I do NOT want it to be this way for him anymore.
I am not mad . I am not questioning God. I am just making this loud and clear. I want Philip to have some peace and pain free days. I am his mom and I am not fixing this for him. I can not help him. I Can not take this for him. And I can not seem to stop my tears today.


Davisix said...

Oh Amy....I'm sooooo sorry! You have every right to feel the way you do and I'm so glad you can come here and vent. We are here for you. I SO wish I could physically be there because I just want to HUG you! Please know I'm praying. xoxoxoxo Ang

Lisa said...

I am so sorry Amy. Tears have been filling up in my eyes and I so wish that there was something that I could do for you. I am not sure what I can from good ole Ohio, but I will tell you that I will continue to pray for you and most importantly pray for some relief and pain free days for Phillip. It doesn't seem fair at all, but I am sure God will hear our prayers and help you during this difficult time. Hang in there girl. HUGS!!

JANE said...

Oh Amy... remember you have all of us to vent to and girl, just some days you have to let it out. When it comes to our kids, it's always different, we always feel we have to fix it all. It's ok and we are with you and praying for you and Philip! You can cry on our shoulders anytime!!

Stacy C. said...

Amy, I am so sorry that your going through this right now. I pray that your DR appointment today will bring some pain free days. I can not imagine what you go through seeing your child in so much pain. You are in my thoughts and prayers!

Shannon said...

I think what made me start crying was the comment the doctor said about Philip being strong. It has to seem so unfair the circumstances that have made him strong. Why should a child have to learn to be strong? Amy, I'm so sorry for all you have been through. I will pray for you today and praying that Philip will have those pain free days that you, and he, long for.

Slick said...

Hugs and Prayers for Philip and You today and everyday. Please remember that in an instant I am here for you...

Christin said...

Amy my dear.... I love you so much and it breaks my heart that I cannot take some of this pain for you. My heart goes out to you and know that I am always here for you for at least a virtual shoulder to cry on. I am praying for you today all day.

I love you ((((((((AMY))))))))

2BIG said...

Praying for you and for your family.
It is so frustrating when you have the perfect plan to take the pain way and be the one to help your child, but your plan isn't God's plan and God didn't whisper in your ear the whys and the hows of his plan so all you can do is be frustrated cause you see things happening to your child you can't fix.
God says to unburden ourselves and give it all to him but it is hard to let it go and we hang on for some reason we never understand, in our hearts the let me do part struggles to rectify with the knowing in our minds give it up and God will deal with it for us.

One thing you did learn yesterday it to ask the WHYs for every detail of any test before y'all agree to them for any future things.

One last thought I know you are stressed but couldn't DH be just as stressed worrying about Phillip and his innocent commnet was his way of trying to express it? Maybe you need to have a Dr Phil talk with DH about how you heard what he said and is that what he meant and then both of you could have a much needed support for each other time during this medical crisis and avoid a reoccurance during the next time should there be one.

Hope all goes well today with the pain management appointment ands you get a doc who will truely listen to all you and Philip say about how it is and they don't have already decided this is how it will be based on just reading he charts.

He And Me + 3 said...

My heart is breaking for you Amy. I don't know how you feel, but as a mother I can sympathize with you. You are strong, even though you may not feel it. You are! I am praying for you and Philip today. My you find rest today friend.

E said...

I'm rather new to your blog, so I don't know much yet. But I do know that tomorrow is a bright new day and that Thanksgiving will be the very next day. God will make the sun rise and fall, and God will give you breath. God will send you something so simple and yet so powerful that you'll smile and remember that "God is good ALL the time" even when life seems hard. Hang in there, Amy!!! Tomorrow is a new day!

Praying for you.


bluesuede said...

Amy, sometimes it just feels good to cry. I hope things get better soon.

Reading your post reminded me of a time with my Mama. She was so brave. She never wanted anyone to see her cry. We had been to the doctor and on the way home, she admitted that she had an abcessed tooth. We stopped at the dentist although she didn't want to. I told her we just had to because we lived about 30 miles from him and if it got worse, we would be in a mess. Well, she went in to see him and he is the most gentle man you would want to meet. When she came out, big tears were rolling down her face. I just wanted to melt. Just thinking about it now and about what you are going through, just makes my heart ache.

Just remember that I'm here for you whenever you need me.