I am not sure how else to put it. My heart does not seem to be in a good place today. And I so do not want to feel this way today. So I come here today and ask my special group of ladies to pray that I can find some peaceful feelings in my heart today. My energy needs to be about Philip and his appts today . I hate feeling weak. My heart needs to feel strong....even when I am feeling weak. Isn't that the least I can do for Philip?
I feel aggravated with everyone and everyone seems aggravated with me. I would dare say I am not fun to be around right now. Maybe I have been trying to fake it till I make it and I am not making it..and now I am in a bad way.
I am going to step out here and say that my DH really started this off with me today. He said a innocent comment ...something like...well Philip has so many appts everyday. Dh did not know that TODAY was the long awaited pain management DR appt. In my head I know it is not the end of the world and that he knew there were appts everyday . And it was 6 am and it just was not that big of a deal that he did not know what day was which appt. BUT..lol...to me..I have been thinking of nothing else. Worried...praying...stressing...and filling out 20 plus pages of paperwork. So in my mind..how did he not know..
So from that..came a flood of things..that I think have been bottled up. I so try hard to show the positive side of everything..my thoughts and feelings are not always positive. I am overwhelmed and discouraged this morning.
For example..yesterday. We had the nerve test. What could of been a simple test. I have been waiting for Philip to get this test for a week. So yesterday was the big day. We go and it was hard. They had to use his right arm for the base test. Now remember he had a stroke on that side and has tons of scars from operations. They had to do the needles through the scars and that has caused a flare up with the nerves in that arm. I asked the tech if the Dr would be able to use the right arm as a base for the left arm test. He says I doubt it. So you mean we did the right arm, why? BY the time we were done..I felt sick and Philip was in severe pain. The tech looks at Philip and says..wow you are such a stoic young man. I wish all my patients were as strong as you. I felt a lump in my throat. Philip just learned at a very young age...you gotta just do it . In a way it is sad to see him be so resigned that this is the way it is for him.
I do NOT want it to be this way for him anymore.
I am not mad . I am not questioning God. I am just making this loud and clear. I want Philip to have some peace and pain free days. I am his mom and I am not fixing this for him. I can not help him. I Can not take this for him. And I can not seem to stop my tears today.